This is the story of my son. I love him, but he has problems. I hope by sharing this story, I will gain clarity and support.

James is 11. He just turned 11 in March. He is very tall, about 5'8 or 9, thin, light brown straight hair, deep ocean blue eyes and dimples! He was diagnosed with ADHD in the first grade. He was put on medication in the third grade. And now, in the 5th grade he has been seen by cops from the Hayward PD too many times this school year. He is a very angry little boy. I call him 'little', even though he stands taller than his principal at school, cuz he will always be my little boy. Since Kindergarten, I have dealt with him leaving class spontaneously, not paying attention to the teacher, rolling around on the floor and under desks and over chairs. He has hurt other kids in his grades who are "smaller" than him. He likes to play tag and chase and him not knowing his own strength, he pushes a little too hard. (I used to call him Baby Hughey.) He was always big for his age, weighing almost 12 pounds at birth! (Vaginal, thank you very much!) He even left the school campus once. No one knew where he went, only to find out he went to the store a half mile away to buy candy in the middle of the school day, just cuz he wanted it. It has gotten to the point where the schools are at a no tolerance level with him. He scares a lot of people with his looks that peirce right through you and threats of he's gonna get you. He even threatened a class mate once that he was going to get a knife and bring it to school. He didn't say what he was going to do with the knife, but it was said after an altercation, which was enough to suspend him for 4 days. Needless to say, James has been suspended more times than that.
In the first grade he started therapy. In the therapy sessions, it came out that he suffered numerous horrors at the hands of his biological father. From the ages of 2 through 5, he was ritualistically terrorized, abandoned and abused. All this going on behind my back. I think there's even more horror that hasn't been discussed. I am not excusing James' behavior, just giving a reason.
I thought we moved through most of the hurt James had suffered, in therapy. So much so that he was a happy and functioning little boy, for a while. No problems in school that were outrageous, no suspensions, getting better grades. This was the time I had met and married Cliff, James' step-dad. Cliff just has been a great dad, but we had a family problem of discipline. I had never been the diciplinarian and Cliff sort of stepped in and gave structure where there was none. I think I was looking for that for James. He lost control and spanked too hard and left a bruise on our youngest son's tush. Being on parole and CPS a bunch of half-wits, he went back to prison in January of this year. (I'll get into Cliff's story another time) Since Cliff has been gone, James has degenerated to the point where the school is afraid he might pull a Columbine. And so was I. The latest incident was that he hit a girl in the head. James said he just played like he was going to hit her. Well, there is no tolerance with him anymore. They took him to the Hayward PD and made him sit in a room for 4 hours, trying to scare him. They cited him and released him to me. He was scared.
He is now in therapy.
When the therapist asked why he was so angry, James said,

"Because you took my Dad away."

Thus the idea of a documentary about how the justice system screws up families was born.
Cliff comes home on July 17, 2002. Hopefully, that will be the day of a new James.

Thank you for reading.
Veronica

I have a child who is having some simalar problems. He is only at the beginning. He is still in the first grade and I am getting him help now. He is in counseling and in a BIC class which is a behavioral intervention class. It has been a god sent and I am glad that were are trying to deal with it while he is young.. I will be praying for your son and for his relationship with his dad to heal his little heart and soul..

Thank you. I am trying to heal as much as I can but I will never be a father to him. I think he needs a father's healing. I also think he was miss diagnosed, which we will find out more when he has his psych eval.

Hey Veronica,
I found your story very heart-wrenching as the Mother of two boys myself. Mine are 12 and 14 and I know all about those feelings of helplessness you can get at times. I would suggest you keep up with the counselling and therapy and continue trying to find out what makes your son tick. I used to keep a journal of methods I had used with my older son in hopes that by the time my younger son started "his" attitudes, I would know it all. Silly me..LOL
All I can say is you keep trying everything you can think of to get through to him, and make sure he is always aware of your love and support.
My boys confuse me alot at times never having been one myself...the teen years are interesting indeeeeeeeed!!


Take Care,
Shannon
:confused:

Veronica, you are an awesome woman. I left my girls dad because he is manic/depressive and refused medication and I couldn't deal with the roller coaster rides, plus the abuse. He would hurt the girls.

Now, my oldest daughter is now showing signs of manic/depression. I can't leave her and it is very hard to deal with. She, however, wants to deal with it after having watched her dad and knows the consequences of not taking medication.

My prayers go out to you and this idea of the documentary is wonderful. Everything is concentrated on how bad the inmate is and how we should punish him that they don't stop and think about behind the lines. I'm beginning to wonder if anyone actually cares. Has any of the govenor's offered their apologies or care about the mothers of the death row inmates that they execute.

Joy

Thanks Joy and Shannon!
Getting feed back about this is very helpful to me in figuring out how to handle this.
You have to be courageous enough when to say no to the officials and yet be compliant enough when to say OK.
Tough rope to walk.
Thanks again for your well wishes and prayers.
Veronica

Veronica, what can I say? IMO.....for what it's worth.....

It appears from what you wrote that "you" need to take a more active roll in the correction department. Love, support and correction goes hand in hand!

SOME........I said "SOME" children need an attitude broken before things settle down and that's done with pleasure/pain. And by 11, that's going to take some heart wrenching effort.

They have to lean that a bad attitude bring "pain"! period!! And delt with at the time of the offense so they realize it's the "present" attitude that caused it, (the hear and now).

the old, wait till you dad get home or handling it in therapy is too late, the situation is a "has been" and any effect of correction is not connected in reality of the offense, (time delay).

Another thing to keep in mind in dealing with correction. It should NEVER be done in public, if there's another way to handle it. Embarrassment is not a tool for correcting anything!

I'm just commenting from what I've read and very well, could be way off base here?? I hope it's taken as a thought pattern that was triggered. And if I need to tighten my trigger pull, let me know!

Veronica,

Never underestimate what you can do even if you are (for now) a single mom. I am one myself and have a daughter who is 8 and my boys are 6 and 3. My oldest son went thru alot after I left their father. Their memories of him consisted of "mommy, remember when daddy had a knife" to the few loving moments they had with him when he acted like a father is supposed to. My oldest son was so very confused and as a response to that he became very angry and unruly. I was called to the school at the beginning of the year because he had hit his teacher and wouldnt even sit in the principals office!! He had kicked over the desk and this grown man (the principal) couldn't even get a handle on him. When I went to the school the principal told me that he could not deal with him and his repeated outburst of violence and that if he was older he would have most definitely called the police. Right then I knew I had to take control for his sake and mine. You have to be very strict and consistent in your discipline. You are his mother and even though that was never really your role it has got to be now. SPANK HIS BUTT!!! He should never think that behaving correctly is an option. DO whatever it takes to stop his behavior pattern cuz it's only going to make things harder for you when it continues. I realize that your son is older than mine and that the problems are larger but YOU are the only one that can change it. I will pray for you, and remember with God anything is possible. I know it is overwhelming to do it all on your own but you can do it. Also, I can only speak for myself, but I experienced alot of guilt because I felt somewhat responsible for his roller coaster of emotion (I am the one that left their dad) but I always tried to remember that I was doing it for his sake and that even though it is easier to let it go sometimes it wasnt helping in the long run. Now he is doing so much better, he is so loving and well-behaved, I know that exercising "tough-love" was the right decision. I apologize if it seems as if I am rambling but I feel very strongly about this........

I hope this helps!!!

VERONICA-I WORK IN MENTAL HEALTH AND WANTED TO SHARE SOME OF MY THOUGHTS WITH YOU AFTER HAVING READ YOUR POSTS-FIRST, YOUR SON COULD BE MISDIAGNOSED OR "UNDER-DIAGNOSED" ADHD IS THE MOST COMMON DX GIVEN TO KIDS-HE COULD HAVE OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER OR EVEN PTSD-BUT THE DIAGNOSIS IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING-EFFECTIVE INTERVENTION IS- BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT AND ANGER MANAGEMENT IT SOUNDS LIKE IN HIS CASE- I AM SURE HIS THERAPIST HAS TALKED ABOUT THIS-FORM MY EXPERIENCE WITH CHILDREN/ADOLESCENTS-- 11-13 IS PROBABLY THE TOUGHEST AGE GROUP-DEALING WITH MANY PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL CHANGES. WHEN YOU ADD AN ADDITIONAL STRESSOR LIKE INCARCERATION OF A PARENT, IT MAKES IT THAT MUCH HARDER. I AGREE WITH GOLDY THAT CONSISTENT DISCIPLINE IS IMPORTANT-SO IS COMMUNICATION- KIDS THIS AGE WILL PUSH THE LIMITS FOR INDEPENDENCE BUT THEY NEED AND ACTUALLY REALLY WANT BOUNDARIES. THEY NEED THEM, FOR THEIR OWN SECURITY. THIS IS EVEN MORE CRITICAL WITH A CHILD WHO HAS BEEN ABUSED. KEEP HIM IN THERAPY, AND KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOU AND HIM OPEN. IT IS IMORTANT THAT YOU SHOW HIM LOVE AND DISCIPLINE SIMULTANEOUSLY. YOU CAN DO IT!

TAKE CARE

Thank you for your shared input! It does mean so much to me to have such a supportive group to hear this kind of feedback from! Good News! James had 2 good days in a row, very rare, I think we are making a little progress. Can't wait to hear the report tonight when I pick him up.

BRay-
I completely understand where you are coming from. I agree, embarasment is not condusive to a well behaved child. I am trying everything I can to be the disciplinarian. Cliff and I have agreed he should take a backseat and support me in other ways. Thanks!

Goldy-
My son was just as you described. The school feels they should not "handle" my son, he shouldn't need to be. The UN fortunate thing is, in this state, when you do try to control an out-of-control kid by waking them up with a little pat on the butt, CPS is all over your as* and then you're in jail (like Cliff). I know about tough love, I am doing that now with James. Thank you for your help.

Sherri-
I just completed a parenting class where they taught the STEP way. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. Have you heard of that? So I have been slowly learning ways to deal with his outbursts in other ways that would be more productive. We'll see how this time around with therapy works. We start Wednesday. It worked pretty good last time! Thanks for your insight!

I'll let you all know how the progress is coming along. Hopefully he will make headlines by doing good in the world, not destroying it!

Veronica
:yes:

It is good to hear things seem to be going in the right direction...Keep us posted with any good information you get in that class!!

Shoot! I would post the whole book here if we had room!
:D

It's GREAT to hear that Cliff is in full support!!

Good things sometimes comes in baby steps, one after the other that add up too big leaps forward!

VERONICA:

GOD BLESS YOU.... YOU ARE TRYING TO DO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS..... MAY I OFFER ONE MORE SUGGESTION.... GET YOUR SON INVOLVED IN A CHURCH. LET HIM HAVE ACCESS TO THE WAY TO FORGIVNESS. I AM VERY SURE HE IS ANGRY. HE'S ANGRY AT YOU FOR ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN, (EVEN THO YOU DIDN'T) HE IS ANGRY AT THE SYSTEM, WHICH INCLUDES HIS TEACHERS AND OTHER PERSONS IN SCHOOL. HE NEVER SEES ANYONE UNDERSTAND HIM OR HOW MUCH HE MISSES HIS FATHER. NO KIND WORDS, NO HUGS, WITH SOMEONE SAYING TO HIM, HON, I'M SORRY THIS HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR DAD AND YOU....

GOD WILL HELP HIM AND ALSO YOU. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE A LOT OF DIFFERENT BELIEFS, BUT I ALSO KNOW FROM MY OWN TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS, THAT MY STRENGTH COMES STRAIGHT FROM HEAVEN....

MY HEART FEELS VERY SAD FOR YOUR SON.... AND FOR YOU TOO VERONICA.... I WILL BE PRAYING DAILY FOR YOU TWO...

LOVE YA
DONNA

Veronica, I've read your post more than once, it describes my son to a T when, right down to taking him to the police station when he was 10yrs. old. It's a great thing he's still young and Cliff will still be able to be a good influience for him! When Larry and I got back together 11 yrs. ago(my 27yr. old daughter's natural father)I believe if Larry would have made it home when Ben was still young he could have really made a difference in his life! My son was diagnosed with ADHD in the 4th grade. The school demanded he be tested. He's only took ritalin for probably 4 weeks in his whole life! He is 22 yrs. old now and has a boy and girl. He refuses to go to any treatment. He still does alot of things without thinking them through! His attention span is really short! Reading your post was just like reading something someone wrote about my son! I have to take my daughter to the hospital at 5:30a.m., she's having surgery, there's a real good chance she has endometriosis, thank the lord she already has 3 boys! I haven't posted for a few days but, I'm still here, just a lot going on! I sent you an e-mail did you get it? Everyone have a WONDERFUL DAY! Penny

I will keep you and your son in my prayers -
Keep us posted!!

and in mine too, welcome girl

Thanks! Prayers are good!
Penny,
I got your email, I responded. We'll talk more!

Veronica...
Ok... so I am a little behind on reading this thread.... Sorry, PTO is getting to the point where I just can't keep up on reading everything anymore, but you actually directed me to this thread in another....
One thing I have to say is that you are not alone... your son is NOT the only kid in the world that is having the problems he is having... I know you have had many responses from other parents who struggle with the same issues. You would think that with how many kids DO struggle with these kinds of problems, school systems would be better prepared to actually cope with such issues, but from all I have seen, they are quick to say "not our problem!"
I completely agree with what Sherri said about possible diagnoses (great clinical minds think alike!)... but also agree with her that the diagnosis is only important in that it will direct the therapist/clinician in designing interventions. It really does sound like you are on the right track in SO many ways.... The good news is that your son has obviously responded to intervention in the past, which indicates he does not have conduct disorder, but is just a conflicted kid who needs some help. If he was able to improve last time with help, he will make it back from this regression. The whole experience is just traumatic for him I am sure and brings up a lot of new issues (he was attached and now has experienced loss and has to make sense of that... probably feels abandoned...) I am sure that the dynamics are different this time though because his behavior IS evoking different responses from so many people. The key is really just finding a GOOD clinician to work together with you....
It really sounds like you are on the right track in so many ways... It will get better. Where kids REALLY lose it is when parents just get too tired or too frustrated and give up on them.... So my advice would be to make sure you continue to get the support you need to keep doing what you need to do with him. The key is also to always separate the behavior from the kid.... you have to address his behavior separately from his other issues.... Too often, poor behavior ends up "defining" a kid as being a "BAD" kid, and that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and downward spiral. There has to be limits and both consequences and rewards to his choices about his behavior... and those have to stay separate from acknowledgement of all his feelings and struggles. Make any sense??
Just keep doing what you are doing.... Your son will eventually be alright and will one day be very successful and very grateful that he had a mom like you!!
If you ever need some additional support... please feel free to call on me... :)
Peace.......

Shawna is so good with words, she expressed my thoughts too

Thank you! I do think we will be OK. James had his second counseling session today and the therapist said to me, "He's such a sweet boy." We'll see how it goes. I got a call from school that he didn't have good days Monday and Tuesday. Then again we got back from Disneyland at 1am Sunday night. I hope and pray everyday for good days. When will they just "BE"? I truly appreciate all of you here. I gain so much strength to carry on.

Unfortunately, for too many kids, what you describe is their routine experience.... although sometimes I really wonder... are kids really having more problems today than we did, or are we just more likely to label them as "problems"? I think back to the stuff MY teachers put up with on a daily basis... I have kids on my case that I happen to think are just "normal" kids.... but they are in therapeutic foster care!! Hang in there!! He and you will be alright!! :)

I have a step granddaughter who this sounds like. She was diagnosed with Manic Depression, Schetzofrenia(sp) and something else. Gave her meds on top of meds and did no good. They sent her to a mental facility and kept her for about two weeks three times. Now she is sitting in a Juvenile Facility for no telling how long. Do NOT let this happen to your child. You fight the mental health and school board to demand that someone help you find out what is going on and to do something about it. God Bless you and your family.

I don't want to sound rude or anything, or offend anybody, but over here the US is known for how fast people go to counsel or therapists. I'm sure the children over here aren't any different then the ones over there, or whereever, but we don't send them to a therapist, because they have a 'bad temper'. If a child is being sent to a therapist over here, things have to be pretty serious. And it's not like all these children who don't go to a therapist turn out to become weird adults or anything....I always wondered how came people in the US go to a therapist or counsel so much faster then anywhere else in the world?

OKAY, I HAVE TO DEFEND THERAPISTS/COUSELORS-THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SEEING A THERAPIST-UNFORTUNATLEY THERE IS A REALLY NEGATIVE CONNOTATION OF THERAPY AND IT KEEPS A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO COULD REALLY BENIFIT FROM THERAPY FROM GOING-IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE CRAZY OR THAT YOU ARE INCOMPETENT-TO ME IT MEANS YOU ARE STRONG AND CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO SEEK SOME GUIDANCE AND HELP TO CLARIFY ISSUES IN YOUR LIFE- THE PEOPLE I WORRY ABOUT ARE THE ONES WHO NEED COUNSELING AND DONT GO- THERE ARE PLENTY OF SUCCESSFUL, INTELLIGENT AND PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WHO SEE THERAPISTS- NOW WITH KIDS, I DO AGREE THAT THEY ARE OFTEN "DIAGNOSED" FOR THE SAKE OF CONVENIENCE, OR REVENUE, BOTH INEXCUSABLE REASONS. I THINK YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TAKE YOUR CHILD TO SEE BECAUSE LIKE EVERY OTHER PROFESSION, SOME THERAPISTS, PSYCHOLOGISTS, PSYCHIATRISTS.. ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS. AND AS A PARENT DONT TAKE EVERYTHING AS CARVED IN STONE- QUESTION THE CLINICIAN TO SHOW YOU THE CRITRIA FOR A CERTAIN DIAGNOSIS AND TO JUSTIFY YOUR CHILD RECEIVING THAT "LABEL" -SOME KIDS BENIFIT FROM MEDICATIONS-SOME DONT -EVERYONE IS A DIFFERENT INDIVIDUAL WITH A DIFFERENT CHEMICAL MAKE-UP. MOST TRUE SCHIZOPHRENICS DO FUNCTION BETTER ON MEDICATIONS, MEDICATION THAT IS TAKEN CONSISTENTLY AND IS THE APPROPRIATE MEDICATION FOR THAT INDIVIDUAL. I THINK THERE IS ALSO A MISCONCEPTION THAT COUNSELING/THERAPY IS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE SEVERELY AND PERSISTENTLY MENTALLY ILL- THAT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE-QUITE THE CONTRARY ACTUALLY- COUNSELING CAN BE USED TO DEVELOP BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT PLANS, ETC--....JUST HAD TO DEFEND MY PROFESSION.

i have to agree sherii therapist are really benifical and a great way for child and adults to deal with issues in there life. it is just such a benifical thing and I do not know what i would do for tim without his therapy sessions they help him so much.. he even likes to go..

I hope I didn't offend anyone. Thanks for your answers...I just wanted to give you a 'standard idea' of what people over here think. Or maybe that is just the people I know, I'm not sure....just wanted to get some reactions and answers. sorry if I made someone mad!

I'm not mad soraya- just saw this as an opportunity to address some misconceptions many people have about mental health/therapy-

i love u girl-i could never be mad at ya

WELL, SORAYA HON, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER WE HERE IN THE US HAVE MORE PROBLEMS TO FACE THAN YOU GUYS DO IN THE NETHERLANDS..... WE RUSH BACK AND FORTH AND NEVER TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE FLOWERS.... WE ARE CONSISTANTLY UNDER STRESS... WE FORGET THAT LIFE IS SHORT AND WE NEED TO JUST STOP AND FEEL THE POWER.

THE NETHERLANDS IS DIFFERENT.. HERE, WE DEFINATELY NEED COUNSELORS AND THERAPISTS.

THE ONLY THING I DO NOT AGREE WITH IS OVER MEDICATION OF CHILDREN... RITILIN AND DRUGS OF THAT NATURE ARE NOT THE ANSWER....

MY LOVE TOO.

DONNA

that is so true life would be much less stressful if we just slowed down for awhile. guess what we can not afford to and we can not afford not to..

ok, I'm glad you're not mad. I must say, when I moved from Belgium to the Netherlands, I thought people were always in a hurry and stressed. I still see it that way. Belgium is a very nice place to live, everything is relaxed, the people are very friendly,... I don't think I would be able to live in the US forever, if the way of life is so stressed. I hear you guys have wonderful nature. It's too bad you don't take time to go out and enjoy all the wonderful miracles of nature that you got around there

Soraya, There are MANY place's in the USA that is laided back with a slower pace!

Here in California, there are many towns with a population of 300 to 500 up in the mountain ranges. It takes a different breed of people to put up with the living conditions there, much like living in Alaska. Then there are town of 5,000 to 10,000 or less here in the Valley that carry on a slower pace then the big cities.

Then there's those that gotta have "things" and things cost money and the big money is where the RAT RACE is!

There are many reasons people put up with the RAT RACE other then money. Buying a house, small business, children in a school system and/or this is where they were raised.

Because the USA is so "diversified" any life style can be found somewhere within it's States!

SORAYA

NORTH CAROLINA IS A VERY SLOW AND LAID BACK STATE. SO IS SOUTH CAROLINA AND GEORGIA.... WE HAVE STILL, A LOT OF COUNTRY AND MOUNTAINS. WE HAVE BEACHES AND RED CLAY...

WE SOMETIMES TALK SO VERY SLOW, THAT YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE SAY (OR SO I'VE BEEN TOLD) A REAL SOUTHERN DRAWL.......


IT'S DIFFERENT IN EACH AND EVERY AREA....

LOVE YA
DONNA

Well, guess I knew this in the back of my head, but the main thing we think about, when we think about people who live in the US, is the rat race. I just hope I will be spending a lotta time in the beautiful nature that y'all have over there. The first time I saw real mountains i.e. was in Febr. in France, where I went snowboarding. I love mountains.

soraya-it's kind of funny how you explained that everyone over there has a "perceived" thought about americans. I guess it is true to some point- we like everything fast here-i guess now i can tell you what i heard about the people in the netherlands- I heard that when a person turns 18 the goverment gives you like 3,000 dollars a month till you are 21- and you don't have to work- so you can "explore the world" and find out what you want to do in life. Is that true?

what? never heard of that! gonna check it out, just gimme a min.

ok, now let me tell you that is not true! because who would work if they can get that amount of money? no that is just a fairy tale and I wonder who told you that! I wish it was true though!

*hugs* veronica. sounds like you are a strong woman! how admirable!

i'm one person that thinks therapy is VITAL to my existance! who knows where in the world i would be without it! (eeeek!)

MY HUBBY TOLD ME THAT- I'LL HAVE TO ASK HIM WHERE HE HEARD IT-

I HAVE TO TELL YOU-THERE ARE MANY THINGS I DO NOT LIKE ABOUT SOUTH GEORGIA, WHERE MY GRANDMOTHER LIVES, BUT ONE THING I LOVE, AND APPRECIATE MORE EACH YEAR AS I GROW OLDER IS THE CALM AND QUIET NATURE OUT THERE IN THAT LITTLE UNINCORPORATED TOWN, WHERE THINGS ARE THE SAME YEAR AFTER YEAR--THERE IS SOME COMFORT GOING SOMEWHERE THAT IS UNCHANGED, UNAFFECTED BY TECHNOLOGY AND THE BIG CITY 'RAT RACE'-AND THERE IS A REAL BEAUTY THERE

WoW! :eek: Did I start something here?? :rolleyes:

Let me start by saying thank you to all of the the responses, every one of them, these are the reactions I need to know and understand that I am either doing the right thing or I need to change direction fast. Thank you all!!!

I have never been one to seek therapy for every little bump in my life's road. But I think my son's case warrants it. He had a counseling session today and his counselor said, "He is a remarkable young man." I said, "I know." :D

In this day and age of CPS watching over your shoulder and micro-managing your parenting, counseling seems to please the gods. :cool:

I truly thank you all for being here, I don't think I could have gotten this far with out this place.
~V

Sherri, I agree with you! I like changes and surprises. But from time to time I just want to go somewhere where I know for sure what will happen, how people will act, no surprises

We had his IEP meeting yesterday. Me, Lori, his teacher, the principal, the school psych (never met before), the county psych (never met before), James' psych (met twice) and the mainstream teacher of the next grade up (met once) were all there. James must be a real important person at that school, you must think? No, he is being systematically shoved into a tiny hole in the ground by these half-wits (no offense to any of the professions mentioned earlier) who haven't even sat down with James for 10 minutes and they think they know what's good for him. Sorry, I get mad at these people who think what they are doing is "for the children's best interest", when all they are really doing is assembly-line analyzing. The principal used to be on our side now she is a cold hearted female dog ready at every corner with a reason to kick out James. I want James out of that school so it's all good. An hour and a half meeting and we didn't accomplish a thing. They want him to go to another school and are looking into Day Treatment at a residential facility. They haven't taken into consideration that this whole week, he has been PERFECT! He was put back on his meds and immediately there was a change. I'm not saying I like it but if it gets him through the rest of the school year with out any more incidents......well, let's just say I'm willing to try anything right now. Venting feels good, thank for letting me do it. I think I'll give him a real good reward this weekend, any suggestions???

Veronica...
I TOTALLY understand your frustration with IEP meetings and school personnel.... you see, I am a therapist, but I only have 6 kids on my caseload right now, which means I know all of my kids VERY WELL... much better than a school psychologist who meets with them for one hour to do an evaluation... I am not saying that their input is worthless... and teachers who are in the classroom all day with the kid may have information about how they behave IN THE CLASSROOM... but I have been in MANY an IEP meeting where I wondered why I was present because they didn't seem AT ALL interested in hearing what I had to say.... Any possibility of getting your son into a different school for next school year?? It really does sound like he has developed the "rep" for being a "bad kid" and now they are just searching for the behaviors to justify that label.... As for the reward.... what does your son want or what would he be interested in?? Usually the most meaningful rewards are the one that the kids pick, because being able to CHOOSE becomes part of the reward, you know?? Hey... we are always here to listen!!! :)

Veronica,
I think STEP looks like an excellent tool for parents, unfortunately I found it too late. My son was already addicted to drugs and in trouble with the law and much in denial. So it was impossible for me to use. Although he has alittle over a year left in his sentence, he'll be 18 when he gets out and I can only hope he stays off drugs and out of trouble. I hope we can help him out and let him get on his feet (as long as he stays clean) when he gets home. Let me know how STEP works for you. God Bless! cheryl

Susan
So your in the mental health field? How much do you now about Oppositional Defiant Dissorder? My son was also diagniosed with that, and "fantasy tendencies" and also abusing all sorts of drugs. Also do you know of any counseling given to parents prior to release of there "inmates'? any information would be great. Thanks! cheryl

OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER IS ONE OFTHE MOST COMMON DIAGNOSES THAT IS GIVEN TO CHILDREN-IT BASICALLY INDICATES A PATTERN OF NEGATIVE, HOSTILE AND DEFIANT BEHAVIOR THAT LASTS AT LEAST 6 MONTHS-- INCLUDING AT LEAST 4 OF THE FOLLOWING :
LOSING TEMPER OFTEN, OFTEN ARGUES WITH ADULTS, OFTEN DEFIES OR WONT COMPLY WITH PARENTS RULES, OFTEN DELIBERATELY ANNOYS PEOPLE, BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS MISTAKES/MISBEHAVIOR, TOUCHY OR EASILY ANNOYED BY OTHERS, OFTEN ANGRY/RESENTFUL, OFTEN SPITEFUL OR VINDICTIVE--

IWOULD NEED MORE SPECIFICS ABOUT "FANTASY TENDENCIES' TO GIVE YOU ANY INFO ON THAT- THAT IS NOT A DIAGNOSIS

I AM CERTAIN THERE IS COUNSELING AVAILABLE FOR PARENTS PRIOR TO THE RELEASE OF THEIR "INMATES"- WOULD PROBABLY DEFINATLEY BE AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL MH CENTER OR WITH VARIOUS PRIVATE PROVIDERS-

HOPE THIS HELPS

Thanks Jd's Wife! Yes, they are talking about putting him in another school next year. To tell you the truth, I want to move back to my hometown, where I know everybody and everybody knows me and my family. Cliff and I have talked about doing that when he comes home. I know about ther eward, I let him pick. It was to play Playstation. So I let him. He was happy. I was happy. :D

Cheryl, STEP worked very well. I have finished the class and I would recommend it to anyone with kids or thinking of having kids. There is another class soon and both Cliff and I are going to it. My sister and her husband and my friend, Lori, are thinking of going. I wonder if I'll get a bonus grade for bringing in so many people??? :cool: In regards to your son and reading what you posted, it sounds similar to my brother. He went to county jail for a while and now he's out doing the same things, running with the same crowd. But I can see that he has no reason to stop any of it. He stays with our Mom, for free. He gets all of his meals, toys, freedom and bills taken care of. He can come and go, no rules (never have been). So why should he change. Guaranteed, he will go back, it's just a matter of time. Your son does NOT have to end up like that. Hopefully, his time in jail will scare him straight, not teach him new tricks. When he comes out, be the Loving Mom, not the Enabler. I hope everything goes well. You know, it's never too late to learn, grow or change!;)

Well, school is almost out (on Thursday) and this is the 3rd week in a row that James has had NO PROBLEMS whatsoever!!! :cool:
I am so proud of him, although a lot has to do with the meds. Maybe it was the little push he needed.
I talked with his teacher last week and she noticed a big difference. She commented on how he was able to "keep it together" when another kid bugged him. Before he would just break down and hit or yell. This time he told the kids to stop and then told the teacher. I thought that was great. But I don't get phone calls home when he's good.
Now I don't know if this has anything to do with the meds or the fact Cliff is so close to being home or the other fact that Cliff's no-contact order was lifted and James can talk and write to him, and has been for the past 2 1/2 weeks.
Whatever the cause, I'm glad of it.

Thanks for letting me share.:cuffs:

Girl do we need to get together and have coffee or what. I think you just told my story about my son. That is incredible. I have my son in counseling and he is on a medication called clonodine. it is a new drug and it is WONDERFUL!!!!! I love the effect it has on him and I had to get tougher on him. I am proud to say that the teachers are starting to like him again and he was on the A-B Honor Roll this 9-weeks..
Denise

Hey Denise!
Thanks! The meds James is on is a 12 hour time release form of Ritalin. It starts with a "C". It's not Clonodine.
I'm real happy that your son got the help he needed. You know, the kids aren't bad kids. We need to keep that in mind when things happen. I'm sure these kids want to do good and want to be 'normal' but just can't. If the meds help them get through school and life with out being teased or in trouble all the time, more power to ya!

We just can't give up on them! :)

I'm so happy to hear he's been doing good for almost a month! it must be such a relief for everybody. I hope he stays this way!

Thanks Soraya! He is doing very well, school is out, the pressure is off. Cliff is home in 2 WEEKS!! and everyone is excited, especially James.

Denise- it's Concerta, ask your doctor about it.

Hi veronica,
I am sorry to hear about the problems your facing, when my mum and sister were killed I became shy, whereas my brother went a bit off the rails behaviour wise. For this reason my dad is quite tolerant with me, but was strict with my brother, this could cause problems when we went to visit him. I think losing a parent for whatever reason very much affects a child. I do think though if he has suffered abuse, it may not be a good idea to discipline him psychically as this may fuel his aggression. I hope everything works out for you, welldone to your son for being good recently hopefully he will keep it up (maybe its the thought that cliff is coming home soon! ) Take Care and all the best,

Caroline :)

Congrats Veronica

I know you are a very proud Mom right now..... There is always an answer it just takes a little while to find it sometimes.... My Prayers are still with you and your family.... Cliff home in two weeks... That must be wonderful.... I doubt very seriously that I will ever have Butch home again.... But, who knows.

My love

Donna

DONNA-YOU ARE A VERY STRONG AND POSITIVE WOMAN-DON'T LET THE ISSUES GOING ON NOW CHANGE THAT PERSPECTIVE- YOU KNOW THE TIDE TURNS AND THE CURRENT CHANGES- AND YOU KNOW THAT GOD CAN DO ANYTHING-STAY POSITIVE-WE LOVE YOU- THINGS WILL GET BETTER-

Caroline-
I agree with you about not diciplining James Physically. That is not a good idea with him. I lost my dad when I was 3 to cancer. He was only 34. I know what it does to boys, not having a father/parent growing up. My brother is in and out of jail. Now he's out and I hope he stays out. Thanks for sharing and caring!

Donna-
I agree with Sherri, you have come all this way, don't give up now. Stay strong. I really hope all goes well for you, your son and love muffin.
I hope you know the joy of anticipating your loved one coming home!

Glad to hear that james is doing better..and also glad to hear cliff will be home in 2 weeks! Dont forget about us!! hee hee!I am very happy for you!

Oh I won't forget about you guys. In fact, I think that Cliff will have more info than I. Just like David and Ken and others, he's been through the "ropes" (more like shackles and chains) and can have a better understanding of people's questions here. He plans to sign up, so look for him!

wow Veronica, that would be really cool that we can finally get to know the man that you love so! I'll be keeping my eyes open for him!

That's great news Veronica!

Hi!
James has come a long way, I must say. He is the smart, funny, cute, shy little (big) boy that I once knew before the crap.

He is on the medication (methyphenidate/Concerta) which both Cliff and I want him off of as soon as possible. But it's maing it easier for the adults to deal with him, and as we all know it's the adults who need the training sometimes. James still has his moments but he is more a happy boy now that Cliff is back.

The Hayward Unified School District has taken its time and didn't assign James to a school. Which means we have more to do at the beginning of the school year. I still don't know if he is going to a day treatment school or staying in the special day class at a different school. Cliff is very protective and thinks James is just fine and can go into a regular classroom, like a normal boy his age should. I would tend to agree with Cliff if James wouldn't prove him wrong so many times. I think a lot had to do with Cliff not being there, now that he is, I can see James excelling to great heights.

So, anyway, the kids are coping with the separation and the the reunification in different ways. I hope it all goes smooth.

Thanks for listening..er..reading! :D

Veronica....
Sounds great!! Thanks for the update.... keep us posted on what the school does!!!
Definitely make sure you know your rights... and INSIST on what you think is best.... I am not sure about California laws... but here in IL an individual education plan must have CONSENSUS from the entire "team" (which INCLUDES the PARENT!!)
But also know that if he starts school and is doing better, you always have the right to change the plan... :)
Glad to hear things are going so well!!

Thank you, I will!

Dear Veronica,

your post made me think....

My son is five... I left his and his sister's father when he was 12 months old, so I don't think he remembers any of the abuse he witnessed- unlike my daughter, who at that time was turning 8.
A year later, I got with Ernie (the man who is now incarcerated), who despite only being 21 years old and back then having a major drug-problem, soon was their Daddy.
My two oldest kids are difficult to handle!

So far, I have been honest to the kids- Daddy committed a crime, so he has to pay for it.The cops aren't the bad-guys, etc. - but my son is ANGRY! And my daughter is confused.

No judge in this world will look at the good a person has done, how much impact his incarceration has on others. I feel myself and my kids punished!
Right after Ernie got locked up, my son stole for the first time... his motive for theft was that he wanted to be with Daddy!

I hope that your son and you will find the help that you need- I don't think you've found it, yet!

I'll be thinking of you!!!!

Tanya