My fiance' has been locked up for 1 year and a half and comes home in 14 days....any suggestions or advice on how I can help with his transition back to society?

Example: He told me he will probably get up @ 6am for a while and make his bed, then breakfast (just like in there) Should I get up with him and help or just not bother him while he is doing these things?
I am so scared and unsure of what to expect :( ...please...any advice would be extremely appreciated!!

Hello I hope the info I give helps in some small way. My best advice would be to help from a distance. What I mean is let him do most things on his own but be at the ready should he need help. Most new releasee's have been conditioned to sleeping with a light on...so maybe before he gets home put a low wattage bulb in 1 of the lights in the bedroom. Loud banging noises WILL startle them. Most times it serves as a reminder that a cell door is being opened, it will pass with time. The noise on the inside is numbing so do be suprised if he might want to just have complete silence or maybe the oppsite like sleeping with a radio on. If he has been housed in a newer facility most have strict cleanliness rules and they often times get very used to the smell of disinfectants. The most important thing I can advise you to try and help him with is try and help him steer clear of friends that might be bad influences or might have helped put him where he was. All of these things I recommend from experience....I have spent time on the inside before. As for the part about bad influences.......my 23 y/o daughter just had her parole revoked because of her so called friends help. I'm by no means naieve, I know that they didn't take her by the hand and make her do things that put her back in. By the same token they sure as hell didn't help her steer clear of going back to that place.

Hi MzBlakes,

You don't say whether or not you were dating him before his incarceration. This is important information for anyone offering advice/support. Your leadership-communication skills will determine his success. All failed relationships can be traced back to the number one communication, the interaction, that was not mutually satisfying. Your responsibility will be to maintain the integrity of the relationship, cleaning up all miscommunications through to mutual satisfaction. In this relationship you must be the leader.

Another thing we don't know is if you and he will be relating/interacting with his parents. Keep in mind that how they communicate, their individual and collective leadership-communication skills produced a son in jail. Unless they have undergone extensive therapy (rehabilitation) one interaction (yes, just one conversation and he'll be right back as the child who had no choice but to act out his disrespect and anger) with them will trigger the scripting that caused him to behave and think as he did growing up. (see CSGP) The solution? Him: "Parents, I won't be interacting with either of you (ever again) until you both have completed 50 hours of individual therapy." For him to introduce you to such a disfunctional family and expect you to put up with their machinations is not a gift of love. They are addicted to abuse and have taught him to be abusive (submitting his parents to the jail ordeal is abusive). You are equally addicted to abusing and being abused and need as much therpay he he and his parents do, else you would not have attracted, brought into your life, someone addicted to abusing his parents. It's just a matter of time that the abuse will manifest itself in your relationship with him. The solution? Insist that he complete 50 hours of individual therapy before the marriage ceremony.Arrogantly ignore this advice and the consequences will be compounded.

Especially important, you must be willing at all times to not have the relationship. If you let just one seemingly minor perpetration, abuse, condecending/sexist remark slide, without cleaning it up to your satisfaction, then it's all over but the drama.

You will have to continually choose to keep the rules and laws. Unlike others you simply can't risk speeding, minor errors/deceits, white lies etc. You've got to live an exemplary life. And whereas you may already live that way, he may have cheated during high school, or committed other unacknowledged (yet to be caught) perps. You can't afford to play like "everyone else does"

I recommend that the both of you do The Clearing Process it's free. Do 10 clearings, one per day for ten days in a row. The vast majority of parollees have only "paid" for the perpetration they got caught for. As such, their integrity simply won't let them succeed until they acknowledge all (yes all) of life's perps. Once acknowledge the karma so to speak is lifted, and they truly have a clean slate.

Best wishes,
Kerry

May i ask what is the clearing process? And your advice Kerrith is a bit startling. Do you know more info then what is being posted on this thread. Do you know why he is in prison? I'm confused?

My best suggestion is to just to let him know your there to do things with him & help him with anything & support him. If you don't normally wake up at 6am let him know but maybe be willing to get up then sometimes too. And ask him if there's anything you can do to help him while he's making breakfast. If he says no then just leave it at that to show him that you trust him. I 've just always believed the mundane little things can go a long way.

Kerry - you have some pretty strong judgements for someone who has no association to the prison systemm as is stated in your personal profile. I think you have jumped to a tremendous amount of conclusions and made generalizations that quite frankly greatly reduce your credibility on this toipic. I caution you to not become too smug in your beliefs and do not discount the affect that friends,society, and inborn traits will have on someone. There are too many people who have been raised to the highest standards and have chosen a path that their parents do not understand or condone. And siblings from the same environment can be polar opposites. Despite every proper effort some people do not do what their family, friends, or society expects them to.There is a mystery in humanity about how people "turn out" that is not explainable and can not be predicted. I encourage you to be humble and compassionate and remember that judgement is not a virtue.

mzblakes, show support in all aspects of his life. Just knowing you are there and support him has to go a long way in his adjustment. Good luck to you guys. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.