Well, today I started counselling for DV. I think I would have let it slip by, but my abuser got out last week, came and got the dog, and has been calling me - get the restraining order lifted, I love you, while I was in I set up a lawsuit against you, I have to see you to really apologize, I can't wait a year doing abuse group I want to be living together again in 2 or 3 months. AAAAAAARGH!!!!

He won't work for the relationship by doing a group. He won't wait for a year. well, I waited for 2 1/2.

Everything I could do for him, I did. I've asked only 2 things from him in our time together - stop talking so much about hating, and give us this time to learn - you in your group and me in mine.

Neither one is going to happen, I guess.

Anyway, for those of you who are thinking about the couselling, go for it. Safe, comforting, gets you thinking about how to understand what's happened. Helps you build the strength you need to be safe.

So, the original reason for this post was this: if you even slightly think you could use some help, GO FOR IT!! Those people are here because we need help, it's their life, their passion to make us safer now and in the future.

Peace.

Nimuay,

We all need help...abusers and victims alike. Stresses in my marriage and family 4 years after cancer led to an altercation between myself and my oldest daughter. My wife stepped in. She got hit. I went to jail, paid the fine, got the counseling. That's the short story.

Fact is, I'd recommend such counseling even for people that have NOT been involved in a DV incident whether they were the victim or the abuser. People don't have to like each other, no need to put on phony airs of peace and non-violence when such notions are against human nature...but we should be teaching our kids in school that there are some lines we should never cross and how to recognize when we are about to do so and simply get the hell away.

Four years of resentment led to a disagreement which led to a shove, which led to a reaction, which led to a punch, which led to jail, divorce and the loss of my home. Mighty expensive lesson. USAP

I totally understand what you said. I myself just started counseling today myself. I had an individual session and a group also. I am currently in an abusive relationship with my fiance who just got out after doing 5 years. He can't seem to get a job and is very angry and depressed, taking it out on me. He also just started his own individual therapy two weeks ago, don't know yet if it seems to be working, I guess a little since he hasn't beaten me up lately, just pushed me around a little. Anyways, hopefully my group will help me find the strength I need to find again in myself to decide what direction to go forward with. Good luck!:thumbsup:

Well everyone knows I am therapy. Somedays I really hate it but I keep going back. They tell me things and make me think things out. But I have to tell you that these people do not lie to me. I may not always like what they tell me but they don't lie and that is very important to me at this time of my life. I think the hardest part right now is they make me do soul searching and what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
The down part of my therapy is sometimes it is group. I have to sit and listen to women talking about how "their man is different", how "their man is going to change" and how"they love their man". I am the odd one in group because I hate who abused me and what it costed my daughter and myself. But I sit and listen not saying a word. I am thankful that I am past that phase in my life where I believe anything can change for the better where he is concerned.
But again I am rambling. I just want to tell everyone out there who has been abused--in anyway--to go to counseling and learn a different way of life...its working for me and it beats the hell out of wondering where he is and what he is going to do to me when he gets home. sokie

I don't think counseling is for me. I went once when I was younger (14) for this "Victims of Sexual Abuse" program as part of my drug rehab, but I didn't finish either one. The counselors irritated me. I don't like to be coddled or soothed against my will! I am very strong minded and independent and loathe someone who is not me, telling me anything about me. No one else has lived my life but me and no one else can change me but me, so in my mind, therapy is useless and annoying and likely to push me the other way. I also had a problem with whatever clause it is that requires professionals to report any crime I admit to committing to the authorities. What's the point of talking if I can't get everything off my chest?

I have considered checking into a Batterer's program. I think I fit the mental profile of an abuser better than a victim, going by all the pricelessly helpful info I've been reading through here on PTO! I can relate with the abuser more than victims, even though I've been both. I haven't been able to find any voluntary "Abuser" programs, they all seem to be court-ordered, etc. One crisis lady I spoke to about this ACTUALLY LAUGHED AT ME. Out loud. Like I was joking. How's that for discouraging?

That makes me feel like I'm better off as my own therapist. Me & Dahdi are each other's therapists right now! (But how healthy is that if we've both been abusers and have both been victims, even in regards to each other, we've both been both to each other. Isn't this gonna, like, cement us to each other. Granted, our relationship will be concrete, but will it be healthy?)

Sorry about the long post! The whole PTO community has been providing therapy for me over the last two months! You guys should have asked me for my insurance card when I opened the account, you all probably could have gotten reimbursed!

I appreciate being able to talk and get more than one opinion so I can get a general consensus of what's "right", because there is not always an objective truth to every situation in life.

Thank you all!

Yep coming here and talking helps me too MissQ. But counselling helps me from going insane. To each their own my mom says...as she drops me off at therapy 3 times a week.:p
But I have to tell you up front that they don't coddle or sooth you alot at DV counseling. They do make you take inventory of whats happened to you in your life and help you to make healthy choices. I have had to open up in counselling to try to get better and they have never turned me or anyone else into the police.:confused:
I don't know, I don't know everyones situation or what they went thru in their lifetime but I have to go to alot of counselling---grief, anger management and domestic violence. I understand I am messed up inside and I don't have things right in my mind to figure it out on my own. Maybe I need that extra push in the right direction so I don't make the same mistake again or just totally lose it (I have come close). Hopefully when I become of age and really try to move on with my life again I will have it together enough that I am stronger...thats what my counselling is about at this time in my life. sokie

Sokie I know exactly what you mean about being the odd one in the group because so am I! I sit and listen every week to all of the women in the group talk about how their man is different too, and I feel so much pity for them. It wasn't that long ago that I was in the same place. They believe because that is what they want most of all, to believe. In a way, it makes me depressed being there, because it brings to the surface everything that I am trying to forget, but on the other hand, I can't forget the truth. The truth is what keeps me away from him, and as long as I remember, I will never go back. He is still trying. Abusers are relentless. They abuse in any way that they can. The counselor I have is straight forward. She doesn't pull any punches, doesn't play anything down. It is what it is! She knows because she's been there. Sokie, I'm messed up too. How could anyone go through something like that and come out of it unscarred?! All we can do is go on.

i kinda want to do counseling too, but i really dont like talking about what happened. it was the first time and it was bad but its not over because he's on the run. none of my friends can relate to me cuz its never happened to them. sometimes i feel like saying something but i dont know where to start. a counselor from the sfpd was suppose to call me, but that hasnt happened yet. i feel so confused about the next step to take, should i go? i mean it only happened one time. i guess i could do a few sessions or more, but i dont wanna do a group thing, i like being private. the only thing that keeps me from breaking down is going out dancing with my girlfriend, and reading experiences on pto so i kno i'm not alone.

Please go to counselling- That thing where you sometimes "feel like saying something but i dont know where to start."... THAT'S one of the things a counsellor can really help with... getting it all straight in your head, not telling you how you "should" feel but helping you to sort out how you DO feel.
As for privacy, it's far better served by a professional who is ethically required to keep your confidence and because a professional is not part of your day to day life, you won't have your "stuff" put out there when you're not expecting it to come up.

Peanut, call again!!!!! Call until someone gets back to you . . .

Don't worry about what you're going to talk about. You'd be surprised how easy it is once you start! And if they're like many agencies there will be a fairly lengthy questionnaire that will quantify and help to organize your thoughts. It's actually rather reassuring.

I realize this post is kind of old, but still relevant.

We have a DV support group here where I live. So far I have found every excuse in the book not to go. My real problem is I am afraid to sit and talk about all the abuse. I have always lived in denial and never really told anyone the true extent of the abuse.

I have been trying to get a referal for some individual counseling but right now all they are offering is group counseling.

I made a committment to my worker that I would go next monday (I think it is 4/13) Group is from 6:30-8:00. I will report back how it goes.

Hon, you take what they have and run with it! You can deal with it, promise! Nothing bad will come of it, only understanding and a lot of tears that need to be cried.

Go to the group and ask THEM if they know of any good individual thearapists and then use BOTH resources.
Stuff will come out in group that might not get touched in a one on one session- both theraputic models are valuable.

That is a good idea to ask about a good individual therapist at group. Today a lady called me from victim/witness, talking aobut possible funding for some individual counseling. I am kind of frustrated because a few different agencies have all stepped in and said I should get counseling... but they all are "passing the buck" saying the other agency has funding for it, and if that does not work out then they can pay for it.

I was VERY upset after talking to the lady. I felt like she was rude and judgemental. Actually she just said one thing: she said, I see you have only been at your new house for a short time. She made a comment about well now I have a RO so hopefully he wont bother me here. I told her I had the restraining order before I moved.

She then asked me how did he know where I lived. I am trying to be honest about this whole thing, even though I don't want to because I feel like if I tell people how it really is or whats really happened they will judge me or think poorly of me for staying as long as I did.

I was honest with her and told her that he knew where I lived because I told him and allowed him to come over. Then she asked me the question that has been pissing me off all day, "well why did you do that?"

I am working on changing but I really wanted to ask her... which stupid excuse of a response would you like me to give you.... "because I love him", or maybe "because he wanted to see our son" or "because I did not think it was going to be a problem"

I felt like telling her... "I told him because I wanted him to come over here and act an ass and tell me he was going to burn down my house and mess up my housing and stuff" "I love it when he makes me scared chases me around and I have to call the cops on him"

I know its not her fault. I made a poor choice, I know that and I don't need her rubbing it in my face. I guess I felt stupid for letting him know where I live. But rather then asking me stupid questions about why, I wish she would help me get some counseling so I could figure out really why I allowed him to run my life and walk all over me. :)

I though victim/witness was supposed to be supportive and stuff, and I just did not get that feeling from this woman.

We all get pretty sensitive about this stuff - I think mostly because we're already beating ourselves up over them having beaten us up. Everything feels like piling on!

Never-the-less, you're moving forward, so don't let that one sentence become a roadblock. I'm old enough to have been through this the first time when it wasn't a crime and there weren't helping agencies or DV specialists. I got no help except from my family, and that meant had to go through it all again many years later, when I finally got the intelligent help I needed. Unfortunately, the gap was 30+ years, during which memories of that first relationship helped to poison all the other relationships in my life. You don't need to be like that.

Thanks nimuay

You know its hard to find a real good support group in all areas of this world but I can tell you that YOU can find a support group with in friends or however- branch out- let your local therapy offices know you are interested in having one or even starting one.
Remember one person can make a difference.

Sometimes it's hard to find a good counselor that you 'click' with -- but it can make all the difference in the world. I got offered free counseling for a short time during my DV breakup, and I jumped on it. Fortunately, the counselor at the time was perfect for me.... I walked in, took one look, and told her "I'm here to talk about drugs and sex and rock'n'roll", and the rest was history. That was 7 years ago, and I only was able to use the service for a couple of months, but we've remained friends ever since. Nowdays I counsel HER when necessary!

But aside from that, good counseling stands back, lets us sort out our issues a little bit, and gives us room to think calmly and logically. It can also give us coping tools for the future. It empowers us and helps us sort things out in our heads, to help us recognize our strengths...and our weaknesses. That way, we can make bette choices in the future.

If you aren't comfortable with a counselor, keep looking around and be open to opportunities. Sometimes there may not be really good help nearby, so be sure to listen to the occasional ant...it just might be a messenger for you.

[Or, you can certainly get good tips from a forum such as this!]