:haha:
This is the first day I have ever been to this site. I have never really thought about looking for help on the web. I have been with my abuser on and off since 1989 that was many black eyes and broke bones ago. Our son is now 12 years old and his dad is now in jail for abuse. I have made several police reports but never pressed any charges until he got involved in drugs and decided that I could pay for everything we had and he could still have me and others and he started stealing my money and my cloths. I could write a book from the beginning and I am sure it would hit home with everyone who has been abused in their life. From being hit in the head with a baseball bat to having an infant child and him knocking all the windows out of my car to having shot guns and hand guns to my head to being thrown out the back door which was a couple of feet up with him coming out the door landing on top of me. Of course I was going to leave but he was always soooo nice and loving after all that kind of stuff went on. So of course I would stay for another time to come around and of course it would. We both went to classes ordered by the court he asked them if they would help him stop or get away with it? My son blames me for starting things which to me asking questions and wanting answers shouldn't start problems in a relationship. I used to think families talked about their day where they went and details if they had a good or bad day but I have learned over the years that the least said the better off that way nothing can be construed. I have had my ex attack me and tell me that he knows I cheated on him and until I tell him about it he would not let me sleep or out of our bedroom and he would continue hitting me. It got so bad that I made up a story one night and he was ok well the next day I could not stand him thinking that I really did that so I called him and told him that was not true and so when I got home that night I took another one for it. I am not really sure why I am here writting this but I try to talk to others and they are just dumb founded by my stories my friends are afraid that they will get that call one day and so is my family. We have been split for several months and I have had a couple of relations with other guys one in which I thought was wonderful I mean he couldn't walk past me with out giving me a kiss or at least touching me with a smile. It ended with me getting attached to quickly. So anyway after those ended I tried to enjoy life single but I just am not happy that way. I feel like I need someone else to be whole all my friends are married. Needless to say I have been talking to my ex again and it feels like old times of course I can only talk to him over the telephone but I feel that love all over again now I have not went to see him in jail but I will I know. How do you ever get away from it? You know and I know he will never change unless he stays jailed until he is fifty and I hope I am married and happy with life by then. After years of mental and physical abuse how do you get back to you? Can anyone help me with this I really need to become confident in myself again and really be one.
Any help PLEASE

Frist of all, welcome to PTO. I am glad that you have found us. every time I hear this, It never stops my tears. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. He needs some help in a bad way. He will not stop unless HE wants help. I wish there was a easier way but there is not.

Self confidence is sonething that we all lose in our self when we are abused. I know that support groups and counselling does help. It not only lets you know that your not alone, but it help YOU with self confendence. Getting you self back, is not easy, but can be done. We get away from it when we know or for me, that I dont or did not deserve that, and most inmportanlty, it was not your fault. it is the same when we try to look at the good that is in that person, we know when he is through beating us, that we see that good that we once fail in love with. After awhile we become so low in out esteem that we end up with the same "type" of person.
We all desire to want a good life and that good life is out there to be found, it is up to us how much we want it.

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me anytime.

Glad to have you with us

One more thing. Are you in any thearpy?

Christa!

Please- don't ever feel the 'need' to be in a relationship. It will come to you by itself.
Don't put yourself and especially your child through this anymore, PLEASE!!! Abuse can stop- but you are the one who has to make it stop. No, I don't think abusers really change, so I guess the hardest part for you will be to stay away from him. It will take some time until you really will get to enjoy being alone- give it that time, though.

The reason why most of us stayed? It's a kind of obsession. They hurt us long enough to make our souls sick enough to find reasons to stay or go back. Fear of lonelyness. No self esteem left.

I once told my family that my ex was like an illness and it takes time to get well. Look at it like an addiction- you are recovering, but as soon as you contact or visit him, you will be heading towards a big relapse. All the time you were without him and felt happy will be null and void.

Please, Christa- give your child and yourself the chance to live.


Tanya

How are you doing? I hope all is well with you. Please let us know something.

Thank you both for all the advice and information. I can tell anyone get out you know were it will lead and even give out my personal knowledge but when it comes to doing things I must be one of those people who has to learn the hard way. Oh and by the way lulu I am not in therapy besides my friends but most of the time I shut everyone out and try to fix things on my own. Or it may be that I am just so ashamed I hide out until someone forces me to come out. I just hate putting anyone through what I have to go through. I know as well as they do that there really isn't anything they can do so why make them feel the hurt I do.

Feeling shamed is something I went through. I was also one that thought i could fix it myself and i tend to shut every one out including every one that i was close too.

You have to realise that we cant fix this our self. No matter how hard we try, that is like thinking it is our fault and accepting that is not and that in fact it is the abusers fault. We dont ask for these thing to happen, they happen cause the other person has problems that need to be tend too.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help. There will come a point, ( if it dont kill you fisrt) that we have too in order to be who we want to be and to know that we dont DESERVE that. Dont be ashamed to ask for help. You have done nothing wrong. You will be suprised how much support you will get.

Your not alone, we are here any time you need us. I beleive that I have giving you my number, please dont ever hesitate to use it.

When you are rady to get that help, I can look up some numbers for yuo to call. You just say they word and we will find you that help


much love to you

Christa...

Lulu is so right- you've got us now and we know what it's like, so don't stop fighting, don't give up and give in.

You are in a good position right now- he's gone for a while!

Tanya

That's all good advice. You haven't done anything wrong, he's the one with the problem. Whether there's any chance he'll change or not (and it's 99.9% certain that he won't), please don't stick around to find out. There's a million stories like yours, and a lot of people willing to help, you just need to gather up the courage to ask for it. Which is easier said than done, but it's certainly worth the effort. Once you've taken that step, things can only get better. Look at it this way - the people that offer counseling to those in your situation want to help people, and by seeking their help you're allowing them to feel better about themselves. You're actually helping them.

If you have the time and transportation, I'd recommend volunteering also. Helping others does wonders for your self-esteem. You have a lot of love to give, it just needs to go in a better direction. Someone who hurts you doesn't deserve it.

Good luck to you and stay strong!