It looks like Wayne will be in Alabama a little longer then we expected. In the beginning it looked like he would come home in late May or early June. Now, it's lookin more like July or August, thanks to the wonderful Alabama Parole Board.

He can have visitors in a couple of weeks so I told him to do whatever so I could come and visit. He told me he would just prefer to wait until I came to pick him up to bring him home. What's up with that? He won't go into detail, just told me to trust him. It's about a 5 hour drive from my house to where he's at - no big deal, and I would be ecstatic to get to see him. Why wouldn't he want visitors?

Danielle...
Obviously I can't say for sure and I would definitely ask Wayne for an explanation... but there are many reasons he may not want you to visit... for one, he may not want you to see him there or however he is looking (I know that was hard for JD at first especially since he is in seg...) It may also be hard for him to have to be in a position where he has to be compliant to officers....
Also, he may just want to protect you from the whole environment.... You have heard the stories about how visitor's are often treated with disrespect and it is often a long process to visit... particularly if you have to drive a long distance...
Yet another possibility is that he thinks it would be hard on him to have to see you... that it would be so hard to have to see you go, etc... he may be thinking it would be easier to just not see you at all than to have to say goodbye, or only have a short time to see you, to have limitations placed on your time together, etc...
I would just let him know that you really miss him and would really like to see him... let him know that it would make you feel better.... Maybe mention some of these possibilities to him and ask if they are the reason... He may not want to tell you because it would make him look weak....
I think there was another thread awhile back about how sometimes inmates have to really change their mindset and distance themselves in order to be able to survive their time... Being too close is sometimes too painful...
I hope you get it worked out and he will have you visit... I do know how badly you must want to see him!!

You are very right jds..when our phone was blocked from collect calls Stephen said it was just as well because it was easiewr for him not to call and talk to me-which through me back at first and then he explained that it was hard to talk to me everyday, he needed to distance himself from our life to get through this...just remember dannielle communication is the key!

I agree with the others. there are many reasons why he doesn't want you to visit, and I think he does this more to protect himself, to keep his head clear until he gets out then any other reason. But of course it's up to Wayne to explain that to you...I know it's hard, but I would try not to worry about it too much

I agree as well with the others...
The guys need to prepare themselves for coming home & what could possibly happen in coming home. I may be a scary thing for them to think about being free again especially if they have been in for a long time, you know?

I know when EJ was to come home last year...he took everyone off of his visitation list for the last 3 weeks before he was to come home (I was MAD, I wanted to see him 1 last time inside). He told me that he needed his "selfish time" to work on himself & prepare himself for coming home so that he can do the right things.

I am sure Wayne will tell you his reasons in not wanting you to come & see him right now.

Take care!
D

I agree with JD, I would ask him about it. As much as you love him, it would hurt to hear him say that...but he didn't say that he don't want you visiting him, he just said that he prefers you to wait until he gets picked up so the best thing to do is to ask him about it. It shouldn't be too bad it is a five hour drive and if you not visiting him right now has something to do with the facility, then I wouldn't want to drive all the way up there and get surprised.

I am coming from a different aspect. Is it maybe to save on money honey. He may know that money is tight and this is his scarfice to help contrubite to the house again. As him and he will tell you.

If it was me, I'd be working both side. If the $$ were short, don't come and I need my space to handle this situation that I can't control.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and knowing him, it's all of the above (money, his own space, and hard for me to come and go without taking him with me, seeing him in prison, etc.). I sat down tonight and wrote him a LONG letter and asked him what the deal was among other things.

He gets into this zone where it's like he completely isolates himself in his own mind. Does that make sense? It's like a defense mechanisim he uses to cope with the situation. I think a lot of inmates probably do it. I know when I visited him at the county jail, it was hard for him to come out of that zone and visit with me then revert back into the zone. Sometimes, even in those visits he was really distant and it was hard to communicate with him.

I thank God I have you guys to help, to vent to, and to listen. I don't know what I'd do without you!!!! You are my voices of reason.

>>>Does that make sense?<<<

Completely

Hopefully he can work out of it when he is releasted. That can be a problem.

Richard gave me a visual discription of what he feels like when he withdraws from me.
He said sometimes he feels like a banked sunfish a fisherman didn't even bother to throw back.
He just lays inmobile conserving his strengh. Every now and again he will gasp for oxegen. WHen he gasp out that is when he contacts me.
sad eh?

That's a great way to relate how Wayne seems to feel.

I talked to him today and here's what he told me about visiting him - he's scared I'll wreck or break-down or get there and they won't let me see him for whatever reason. I told him that was a chance I was willing to take, but he said that if something happend to me on the way to visit him, he would be devestated. I'm going to respect his wishes for the moment and leave it alone. Depending on how much longer he's there, I am not going to push it.

THAT IS A GOOD IDEA JUST RESPECT IT FOR NOW AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS

i would just be patient for now.. i know it is hard but he should be home soon..

I agree. At least now he explained why he doesn't want you to come visit him. I'd respect it too. you'll be spending a lot of time with him real soon!

HANG IN THERE MONICA!!

That is so strange to me. You are about the third person in here that the prisoner worries about the trip to and from vistations to such a high degree of concern.

I wonder what brings on such a worry of danger that they would rather not see the person treveling than take a chance of something happening on the road?

I think it's because our loved 1's on the inside know how long we have to travel to be able to see them. I am sure we all know that DOC loves to put them too far away from us!

They know that we are women alone traveling for god know's how long. They worry because they want to be assured that we are safe even if we don't get to visit them.

D

Yes I understand that. It is a general "smart fear" to go over what if this...... what if that..... But I never let the 'what if's' keep me from getting in my car and going down the road.

I just wondered if it is inflamed by the inmates talking. YOu know when you hear a horror story and it gets told over and over. I think there must be more to it and I just wonder what excelerates it to the point they don't want you to take the chance and drive to see them?

TORREY- I THINK THAT IS VERY POSSIBLE IF NOT PROBABLE-

Torrey I think you are right on that also...

I bet when the guys hear the stories over & over it gets into their heads & they might think that we could get hurt or wind up in a situation like the other person might have. When you have those types of stories whether it be stories on accidents or other stories in general & our loved 1's don't have US telling them differently all the time (that reassurance). They might begin to think that it's going to happen to us.

D

SOME MEN IT IS JUST A WAY FOR THEM TO WITHDRAWL AND NOT REALLY SAY IT.. THERE ARE SO MANY COMBANTIONS OF REASONS THAT YOU JUST HAVE TO STEP BACK AND REALIZE HOW AND WHY.. ULTIMATLY IT IS UP TO US IF WE STILL WANT TO COME

The men at Stringtown are strip searched before and after and then during the visit if they go to the restroom. Don't know about anyone else but I just might not want a visitor if I had to go through that everytime. LOL I might say " Oh no not today, I'm not in the mood."

People handle stress differently. I was one that pulled in a lot more when I was younger, then I do now. Basicly I have more to compare with now.

But one thing that I do require space is when I sick, even today. If I want something, I'll ask, otherwise, leave me alone. If I'm real sick, I don't even want to talk!!

When a person is in a situation that they can not control, they must find a "comfort zone" that they can live in, even temporarily until they get there balance, mentally.

The first 3 months when I was down, I divorced myself from the world. I wasn't interested in TV or anything. If asked about something that was on TV, I just say, "I DON'T A RAT'S ASS"!!! A true sign of a person hurting and unreachable at the time. That was my "comfort zone" tho.

It all depends on a person's make up, personality, how they handle things, in what kind of "comfort zone" they require at what stage of there dilemma.

Wow that is really weird that you guys are talking about how they worry about us on the road going to and coming from visiting them. Because I noticed my husband is the same way, he has always been that way since he's been locked up; always worrying that something's going to happen to me. I always tell him to try to think positive and that God's taking care of me, but he seems to obsess about it. He is really bad when I go out of town or on a trip or something, and he is REALLY bad when I go in an airplane. He has to know the exact time my flight gets in when I'm coming home so he can call me as soon as possible after that to make sure I got home allright. I do think it's kind of sweet actually. But the really horrible thing is that I was flying home on Sept. 11th and you can only imagine how he was feeling on that day as he was watching the twin towers fall and knowing that I was up in the air somewhere at that exact time!

What facility is he in in Alabama? That is where I live.

it has probably something to do with them being very afraid to loose us. for some guys we are the only one on the outside that still cares for them and they don't wanna loose that one person they can hold on to, that one person that gives them hope and strenght to carry on. And we must not forget that they are around a lotta guys who have done some bad things....and I guess the guys realize that there are still a lot of these 'bad ' guys on the outside too....
some of my friends told me that they've heard stories from other inmates that made them sick...I'm sure this has a lot to do with our men being so worried about us

I can only offer a personal prespective here having spent 47 months in Texas' wonderful prison system (sarcasm). During that time I was fortunate to be close enough to home that I got a visit every week from my wife. I never tried to stop these visits but there was always concern on my part that the extra traveling for them was dangerous and also that the money spent for gas would be better spent elsewhere. The strip searches to and from the visits were no big deal because the COs can pretty much strip you at will. The main problem with me was after the visit, the goodbyes and such was the walk back to the cell after. I never in my life felt as empty as I did during those times. It always seemed to take me a day or so just to get over the feelings from the visits.

This is a great forum, thanks to the people that operate it.

Thank you for sharing this and welcome to PTO.

Hi Monica, I just wanted to reply to your Post. I know that when I was Locked Up, The last couple of weeks, I also took everyone off my Visiting List. I didnt even want my Husband to come and see me My Last two weeks that I was in there! But He talked me into letting him come anyways! I know my reasons for not wanting anyone to come and see me my last couple of weeks was because I wanted to Prepare myself for getting out and going back out into the world! I was dealing with so many different emotions, Happiness, Fear, Joy, Nerves, etc about being released! I didnt want to have to worry about Entertaining anyone who came to visit with me! And Believe this, a lot of the People that was on my Visiting List that I took off did not understand why I didnt want to see them. And it was not anything Personal, I just wanted to prepare myself for getting out! I had a lot of diffent emotions that I was going through at the time, and just didnt want to have to deal with a lot of different people at the moment! I hope this helps answer you questions a little bit Monica! Hang in there Girl, Things will get better! Best of luck to you!!