Hello all.

I just have afew questions. For those of you who don't know the situation, my brief story is in the introductions section.

I've been writing to Angela since January, she's been calling for over a month, and things have recently turned serious. (When I say serious, I mean romantically.) She's 19, I'm 31, and she's been in since age 14, so she's still abit young regarding some things. She's probably never had a serious male-female relationship, and she's been hurt alot by others in that department.

I mean to stick by her, and I've reassured her in every way I can that I will indeed be there for her no matter what.

My questions. Can anyone give me some tips or advice on how I might be able to better show her that I will stay, and that I am not just "talking out the other head"? I want to help her if possible. She gives me some of the happiest moments I've ever had in my life.

Chris,

You have a good question and this one is usually only overcome with time and trust. Understand that many men and women in prison have been let down by family, friends, and loved ones in the past. Many have also been let down by pen pals too.

It just takes time. Tell her how you feel and just reassure her and have patience when she questions you and your commitment - if she in fact is questioning it...

Develop the most open and honest communication that you can between each other. If she shares her fears then you can reassure her. You, I am sure have fears and concerns too so keep the communication going openly in both directions. Be realistic and most of all honest. I cannot stress how important communication is. It will get you through so much crap that is just crap - especially when you are dealing with the prison system.

Just remember that she feels vulnerable giving her heart away. It is hard for her to trust and feel comfortable mostly becuase she is where she is and you are where you are... It is a challenging journey that the two of you are on, but it can be one of the most beautiful too. (I met my Partner as a pen pal 2 years ago)

Good luck and keep asking and you will get lots of replies I am sure!

I AGREE WITH TEB ON THIS IT JUST TAKES TIME..GOOD LUCK TO YOU

Hi Chris,

Double ditto on what Teb said ... it will just take time and lots of patience.

Chris,

be true and honest, and let your heart speak.

All my best wishes to both of you
Phil

Chris ditto on what all said here! I too have been writing to my sweeite almost 2 years now and he knows now I am not going anywhere far from his heart!

Beck

Chris,

I agree with everyone above. Also, visit as often as possible....

Deb

Hi Chris, I'm in total agreement with what Teb said (he always says the right things!!!), so I'll just second that it takes time, and completely open and honest communication, but time's the most important factor.

My guy and I have known each other fifteen years almost, and after a period of estrangement have been back in each other's lives and rock solid for three years now... but I think sometimes he still worries that I am going to disappear out of his life someday just like most everyone else has (and just like I myself did, albeit unintentionally, for a while before). Sometimes I think no matter how many times I assure him I'm not going anywhere and am in it for the long haul now, he's never going to be completely convinced and always going to be a little fearful that he'll lose me someday. But I know eventually enough time will have passed that he can finally put that worry away for good 'cos all that time will have passed and I'll still be there. I think he's improved a lot in the last year or so about that kind of worrying, but I know sometimes - especially when times are tough in there and he's struggling mentally and emotionally - he still wonders if I'm going to eventually disappear like everyone else did on him, except his family. In time I think he'll cease to worry altogether... I think it tends to come with the prison territory tho, I think everyone in a relationship struggles with the same thing at least a little bit at some point or another.

So again, time and patience. Hang in there! :)

Lys

Chris....
My JD has been incarcerated since the age of 15... so he has some similarities in situation to Angela.... I met him two years ago... when I was 28 and he was 23.... He too never had a serious relationship BEFORE he was incarcerated..... and although he had a few relationships since he was incarcerated, none of those relationships lasted over 6 months and he was hurt badly by them.... I too wanted to know WHAT I could say or do to reassure him... but in reality only TIME proved that I was going to stand by his side and TIME that allowed him to trust that.... I don't think there is any other way.... The good news is the insecurities and doubts and fears ARE eventually resolved and replaced with trust...... ;)

Thankyou all so much.

jdswifey02, a special thankyou to you. My Angela called tonight. She's trying to put a request in for a special visit for me. Even though I'm not on her VR list, the counselor said he didn't see a problem if it was a 2-day visit. (No conjugals, just 2 visits over 2 days.)

It's hard not to look at her like a young girl sometimes, but she's the woman I love, and she is maturing. She knows how much I love her, and with time I know she'll realize I'm not going away.

Chris one word, ACTIONS, mean more than words. Prove to her that you are real by actions, not just words. Do what you say you are going to do. Show her you are what you say you are. Make an agreement to be TOTALLY honest and open. No qualifications of the "Honesty" promise either. Treat her as you would want to be treated. Don't try to buy her. Ask her if she needs anything,but don't attempt to buy her love. Money can be a touchy subject. Be sure that she is what she claims to be, visit her and spend as much time with her as you can as early as you can. She will be impressed with the idea that you are travelling to see her, just for her, that is a great action to do. Ask her if you can do anything for her, magazine subscriptions, books from amazon.com, prove to her that you are treating her the way you would want to be treated. It's always a two way street. This can be the one you've been looking for all of your life, I know I have found the most valuable friend I have ever had in my friend in Texas TDCJ. She is the most loyal friend I have ever had, truthful and honest beyond belief. I have to pinch myself every once in a while to make sure I'm not dreaming, that's how much she means to me. Above all though actions, Chris, speak much more than words. Write her as often as you think of her, there is nothing wrong with that, in fact that shows her that you are always thinking of her. I write my friend daily I never miss a day. All of this adds up to a lot of actions that will win her heart. Never go back on a promise. Once again see her as often as you can afford to. You will do well, think golden rule, it works, if you live it and show her that she is that important to you that you write everyday. After a while you'll both be so in love, you'll be strong and happy. It works. PM me anytime, I have a lot of advice if you need anything.
Good Luck,
Goose Bumps

Talk the talk AND walk the walk! Say things that you are going to do, then DO them. Time and patience are important, as said before!! Letters, cards, phone calls, little tokens of affection are important. Just remember, since she went in when she was so young, she may feel the need to go "wild" when she gets out. She won't be able to go to the bar on her 21st birthday or live the "college days" like us who are free. My ex always told me that he would not need to sow his wild oats, that keeping me was so much more important than drinking/partying/meeting other people. Unfortuantly, when he came home, things did change a lot and he DID feel the need to sow his wild oats. Still doing it, in fact. TAKE YOUR TIME with her!!! Don't give EVERYTHING you are and have to her, either. Continue to live your life on the outside (I am NOT saying to cheat or have fun in "that way" --- I am just saying to never lose yourself). I spent my whole life for 5 years trying to do everything and anything to make him happy, and in that time, I became "Trey's girlfriend." I didn't even know who I was anymore. I'll never, ever regret the time that we had, and I am hoping that someday he'll realize what he had in me. Just continue to show her that you love her, but know that YOU have to live life to please YOU (that's the advice I've been getting from these great people on PTO!)

ToughTimes -

Thanks! :) I am very patient, and I know there's alot she will be missing out on, already has. I'm always my own person. She is very giving too. She doesn't normally just call whenever, asks when I want her to call. She listens. I think I have more connection with her than I've ever felt with anyone. She knows things nobody else does, perhaps more than anyone else will.

Chris, hang on in there. I am 10 months in my relationship that started out as penpals. He is younger and will be there for a long time. I have given my word through love that as long as it is gods will I will be by his side. It is hard for both parties, but if it is true love we want give up.

i to fell in love with my penpal(but that wasnt my intentions in the beginning),i have told him how i feel but because of being so hurt in the past hes very leary about giving his heart away,so i understand too.just keep inforcing how much you love her.

sincerely,rhonda

i agree with all the below...well said