Now I have posted in this forum before about my husband and my fear that he will return to drugs when he comes home well he has been given a parole date of June30,2005. As happy as i am that he will be coming home and i will be finally gettin some again ;). I am so scared that he will use again and as sad as I am that he is in there I am also relieved that the drama isn't in my life anymore. Has anyone else dealt with this before? How do I love him and be supportive ? When in the back of my mind i'm waiting for old habits to show backup? Will i be strong enough to leave this time for good if he doesn't change? I don't expect you guys to be able to answer that one i'm confused my self but mostly scared :(

Quanswife,

I cant help you with this...but I have a friend that has and still is dealing with this. Ill tell her to PM if thats ok. Maybe she can help u. She isnt on yet. She is also from NJ. She is a sweetheart, like most of the ladys on here :) ( I say most cause I dont know ALL the ladys :)

Quans,

This is a fear of alot of us! I think searching and finding some AA/NA groups in your area would be a good idea. If you have time if would be great for you to attend until he is home and then when he is home for him or for the both of you to attend. I wish you the best!! Also alot of places offer substance abuse counseling and its a wonderful tool to use to stay clean/sober.

I would think also it would be good to let him know how you are feeling and what your fears are.

If you want to talk just PM me anytime.

One

I have that fear everyday, my husband is getting released in July and the closer we get, instead of being excited I am getting anxious. I keep thinking in the back of my mind how long will we have together this time before he takes off and starts using again? This is our 3rd "trip" to prison together and each time I say I am not doing this anymore, but my deep love and desire for him to have a good life is what keeps me here. I know a lot of women don't understand that but I figure his whole family has turned there back on him and I wont be that way. He deserves something better and with GOD's help hopefully he will make it this time.
That is how I am making it through all of this and will continue to pray and draw on GOD's strength once he comes home.
I agree with the other ladies that Alanon would be a great place to go because you really do find strength in knowing that you are not alone in this crazy mess!!!!
I wish you luck and strength. Stay strong and GOD bless you..:)

Hi. My boyfriend is supposed to be released from TDCJ in June. So far, we haven't gotten a definite date yet. Is that normal? It is almost mid-May and when I call, they still say there is no release date yet. Does anyone know how long ahead of time that they set a date?
He also was a drug user when he went in. I have been trying really hard to have faith in his promises that he won't use again once he gets out. I know that it won't be easy for him. I do have to admit, though, that the closer it gets to him getting out I have started worrying more about it. I want to be as supportive as I possibly can because I know that he is a good man, and has really been good to me. We were engaged to be married in 2000, but split up due to his drug using and all that goes with it. The only thing that I know to do is to trust that he will keep his word to me this time. I'm sure that it won't be easy, but as a parent of 3 grown children, my approach is going to be Tough Love. He is a grown man and has to be responsible for his choices. I just pray that he makes the right ones for himself and for us.

pink, from what I have learned..It can take up to 21 days after the board sees them to get a date. I could be wrong. Hopefully, egs will come along. She is good at all this :)

I know what you must be feeling and believe me so is he if he has done any soul searching inside. I went down for drugs and so did my husband. I tried to really take that time to look back over my life and change to be what I wanted to be. It was an ugly site to let me tell you that is when i figuared out why i did drugs ha/ha But once i did that I knrew that I did not want to be that person again and I knew that my husband wa still doing them and when i got out I was going to parole there and was worried. It was hard but I knew that the challange was up to me and having it around me was going to be somethig i would have to deal with. I made it thru parole he went to jail and got out on parole and is now back in on violation for drugs I thank god everyday i was strong enough to do it. I would suggest ala-non if you start before he gets out you will already know people and he can come into a group that are already freinds and know what is up. Parole may make him go to AA for substance abuse for a stipulation for parole so you would have a foot already in surround him with positive people old friends are trouble believe me i know. But you also have to remember it is his choice no one can do that for him. Love sometimes is not enough I loved my ex we were togeather for33 years before i went to jail and he was my everything from 14 years old but prison made me see the real lite and I thank god for that. He made his choices and so did I and happy to say my life is totally different and he is in jail again. I will always love him but I had to make choices for myself and he was not in them. I still hurt for him and always will but i am worth so much more than that. Goodluck it is a hard road.

Thank you ladies for all your support and advice i just hope He comes home and stays clean i mean he sounds sincere and may mean what he's saying with all his heart at this moment because of the circumstance however it's one thing to be out here and have to face the challenge of addiction and the rest of the bull in everyday life you know what I am saying

I don't want to over-simplify your problem, because I've been there and I know it is NOT simple, but I did want to tell you what worked for us. My husband and I have both been clean for a year and a half and if you knew my husband, you would know that is a HUGE deal! Nothing had worked in the past but what made the difference this time was that we have God on our side. With His help and that of our wonderful church family, we not only quit drugs, but also the whole lifestyle that went with it.

It wasn't easy. The trick for us was to COMPLETELY change our lifestyle. We moved, didn't tell anyone but our families where we were going, changed our cell phone numbers and cut off all contact with anyone from our old life. Instead of partying, we went to church. We made new friends. We spent more time with our families. We got "real jobs"-which was a switch because we finally had to start making "legal money" :) .

Like I said, it hasn't been easy, but by making sure we were strong in our faith and our resolve, by the time we did hear from people from our old life it was not a big deal to "just say no" so to speak. In fact, someone showed up out of the blue last year with what would have been a VERY nice gift if we still had our old habits and we flushed it. My husband had been high on the totem pole as far as the drug world was concerned and it took everyone a while to accept the fact that we really had quit for good, we aren't just taking a break. My husband says we have FAR less money than we ever have before, but he's a million times happier now.

It's a lot easier when you know you don't have to have the strength to do it yourself, you can let God do it--and He will. We're still not done, my husband still has to do time on a federal charge pending from his last arrest before he cleaned up and got right with God, but we know that when this last stint is over we have the rest of our lives together without all of the "bull".

Good luck to you and your family.

Yep, moving might be the plan. I know when my guy gets out of prison, he's probably going to party but I hope he gets his act together and realizes that he's just going to go straight back to jail if he goes back to the old life. I've been sober and been going to counselling for a while. He has talked about doing "legal" things again but living in the 'hood makes it tough.

I wish you guys luck and feel like I'm in the same boat.

My husband said he will not even live in the same state as he used to! He wants nothing to do with his family or old friends. I'm the only one he knows, at this point, who doesn't use! So we'll be moving for sure when he gets out.

I Have Been Claen And Sober For 1 Year And 3 Months ~ One Day At A Time ~
Shawn And I Have Decided When He Is Released In 2007 We Will Plan To Move From Our Home Town Where All Our Family And Friends Live We Wnat To Get Away. Its Easy For Me To Stay Clean B/c None Of Shawns Friends Come Around And I Have Basically Ran All My Old Girl Friends I Use To Party With Off But Shawn And I Both Know That As Soon As Hes Out His Old (( Partners)) Will Start Coming Back Around Its Happened So Many Times And Finally Shawn Says Enough Is Enough We Gotta Move And Start Our Lifes Over Its The Only Way I Feel To Make It As A Family ( Clean And Sober )is To Get Outta This Small Town . I Know In My Heart That God Will Show Us The Way . Have Any Off Ya'll Heard That Tim Mcgraw Song ~ Drugs Or Jesus~ Its A Good Song Listen To It If You Havent It Says ~ Every Body Just Wants To Get High And Sit And Watch A Perfect World Go By Theres Not Much In This Lifes B/w Us Its Either Drugs Or Jesus ~............ I Think Thats How It Goes Anyway Its Really Good Song .. I Shall Pray For The Addicts That Still Suffer ............
God Bless
Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It
Stephanie Lynn

God Bless you and yours My fiance is locked up for drugs and he is an addict I have seen his struggle to recovery ,seems he would do good for awhile then out of nowhere get back into it.I will do whatever it takes to help him in his recovery and be supportive whole heartedly It would break my heart everytime he did the disappearing act.I never gave up on him nor will I ever cause I know he has alot and I mean alot of good and potiental in him Where does one turn to when in love with a person who has an addiction?Because what affects him affects me ThanksI Have Been Claen And Sober For 1 Year And 3 Months ~ One Day At A Time ~
Shawn And I Have Decided When He Is Released In 2007 We Will Plan To Move From Our Home Town Where All Our Family And Friends Live We Wnat To Get Away. Its Easy For Me To Stay Clean B/c None Of Shawns Friends Come Around And I Have Basically Ran All My Old Girl Friends I Use To Party With Off But Shawn And I Both Know That As Soon As Hes Out His Old (( Partners)) Will Start Coming Back Around Its Happened So Many Times And Finally Shawn Says Enough Is Enough We Gotta Move And Start Our Lifes Over Its The Only Way I Feel To Make It As A Family ( Clean And Sober )is To Get Outta This Small Town . I Know In My Heart That God Will Show Us The Way . Have Any Off Ya'll Heard That Tim Mcgraw Song ~ Drugs Or Jesus~ Its A Good Song Listen To It If You Havent It Says ~ Every Body Just Wants To Get High And Sit And Watch A Perfect World Go By Theres Not Much In This Lifes B/w Us Its Either Drugs Or Jesus ~............ I Think Thats How It Goes Anyway Its Really Good Song .. I Shall Pray For The Addicts That Still Suffer ............
God Bless
Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It
Stephanie Lynn

I am so glad that I ran across this.. I thought, I was the only one that felt this way. My hubby is out in 41 days and a wake up call and it is scaring me to death. He has done so good this last year and hasnt done any drugs. But he also is very honest with me, and tells me he cant promise me that he will never use again. I love him for being honest, he also says that he doesnt ever want to go back again.. This was his 3rd trip. We have a son and I think that he more than anything wants to be there for him. He doesnt want to join any kind of support group says he just cant do that,but does talk about GOD and drawing his support from that. We also want to move and start all over again.
And I would do that in a heart beat if he said to do it.. I am having so much emotions right now it is killing me, I love him so much, and I dont want to have to do time again, with him. I also feel like, I have him now, but how long will I have him when he does come home. I feel guilty for thinking that, because it sounds like I dont trust him, thats not true at all. Someone tell me when does all this stop?? I love him,and cant stand the thoughts of seeing him on that stuff again, I would love to put my foot up the person back side that came up with "meth" and "crack"..
That stuff can bring a person down so fast it isnt funny..
Thanks for listening .. GOD bless everyone and those they love...

It is so nice to see that I am not alone. PTO is GREAT!!!!

This is a major fear that goes through my mind every single day, sometimes a
lot. He claims to have been clean since we have been together(almost 3 years). I have never used(heroin) and wonder if I would know if he did???

He says he has me to thank for helping him remain sober becausse I am a drug "virgin". But I still fret over this so, so much. His sobriety now is mainly because he is locked up. When he gets out he will more than likely be on parole. I am glad for this-selfishly-because he knows that use will put him straight back in. But we are surrounded by it. Most all of our friends and family use and abuse. I myself am an alcoholic and struggle every day. So I guess this is just a normal fear and paranoia of any addict. But my life with him will not survive if we abuse. He says he wants to go to church and attend meetings. Deep down I know this is our only way of making it.

Fear and worrying are just normal I suppose. It shows that you care.

angie

mine doesn't get out for another 35 months and i think about all that already. he was out from jail for just 3weeks when he started using again and went to prison. he's been there over a year now and says he just gets mad when he thinks about all the time he wasted,mad at himself . he swears i won't have to ever worry about it again but i do anyway.i would love to move when he gets out but he'll be on probation for 2yrs. when he first got out he did good until he friends started coming around again. if you can move then do it. an addict can find it anywhere but if he's serious then he won't go looking for it. get new friends and go to church too.:thumbsup:

The same thing runs through my head on a daily basis, and my husband is not due to be released until 2018. I was laying in bed with our daughter looking at her peaceful little face sleeping and feeling guilty that while i love my husband and miss him terriably i was grateful that he wasn't with us exposing her to all of the drama and abuse that goes along with the drugs. I don't want to have to go through the same "drama" that his drug addiction brought into our lives. I certainly do not want our daughter to be exposed to any of that. I want to believe in my husband when he says this was a wake up call for him and he's through with the drugs, but this is also the same man that told me the same thing after he recovered from a crack induced heart attack and went right back to his habit after he realized he wasn't on the brink of death anymore. My greatest fear is investing so many years of my life and our daughters life waiting on him to come home to us only to loose him again to his addiction when he gets out. I do know that this is his last chance and i won't go through that again.

Believe me, when you've had enough, you'll know. I've been doing this for almost 4 years and I've always taken him back. This time, I'm done. I never could have said that before, but I know it's true now. He has this last chance and any stupidity on his part will be one stupid too many. I'll be sorry, and I'll miss him and mourn for the man and the marriage I wanted to have, but the fact is, I don't want the man or the marriage I've been living with. So, if you aren't sure, you aren't done. When you reach the end of the road, it's obvious.

My husband and I met while he was in Walla Walla. We wrote to each other for 2 years before he was released. I married him (I was a virgin) 12 days after his release. Looking back I think I was just a big ol' naive and stupid woman right from the get go. There is this saying in Spanish: "No hay otro mas siego que el que no quiere ver." Translation: "There is no one more blind than he who doesn't want to see." To make this long and sad story short and to the point I'll just say that my husband gave me a crash course education in addiction. My wedding ring is gone, his is gone, I have no more jewlery, even a gold bracelet that belonged to my grandmothers grandmother went to the crack house down the street. Because I was so inexperienced with men (I hadn't had a boyfriend before him) and drugs (I smoked a couple joints in college but nothing more) the first year DESTROYED me. It was really hard to deal with and I still have issues with it. He was ****ed up on ice when he got arrested on January 4, 2005. We were broken up at the time and I was pregnant with our first healthy baby. (The year before we lost twins --- which made him go into drugs more because he loves children and had his first son taken from him by the state because of drugs.) Our daughter was born a few days later on January 10th. To this day he has never held her.

He is looking at some serious time. The last "deal" the prosecutor gave was for 13 years. His bail is set at $100,000, which is, of course, impossible for me and his family to come up with. We have reconciled in the 7 months since he's been in jail awaiting trial but now I keep thinking...why am I waiting on a man who treated me bad, who is addicted to drugs, who has an undetermined amount of years left before him?

Because I love him.

Sometimes I feel like such a fool. I mean, how many times do I have to get spit in the face before I realize this man won't change? Or will he? He has promised me that drugs are no longer part of his lifestyle and when he gets out he promises treatment and marriage counseling (something he has NEVER said) he said he just wants to start being a man and take care of his family, but I'm sure we've all heard that right? Before I met my husband I was an incurable optimist and now I doubt everybody's word.

But see, now I am a changed woman. I KNOW that my co-dependency is being treated, I KNOW that things won't be as they once were, even if he comes out and starts his addictions again. This time I KNOW I will leave.

I don't know if this post will help anyone but it helps me just to write it out. My husband called me yesterday and was adament that we raise the money to get him aout through a bail agency which would be $10,000 and a house title! He told me, "I know I ****ed up, but I'm ready to change and go home." I told him I loved him, he promises all these things and I want to believe him but then...I'm just tired of hoping and wanting and not getting. The women who write "He will only change if he wants to," are 100% right!

I hope mine changes, for all our sakes.

~Lala

i worry about it too. i'm relieved that mine is in prison now because i know where he is every night and i can breathe better without the drama. i feel guilty about feeling that way. he says he'll be okay when he gets out and all i can do is believe him until i see different. i would love to move away but he'll be on probation for 2 yrs. i also worry because he is my only trigger, if you know what i mean. he has three years left.

LALA GOD BLESS YOU WOMAN!!! I LOVE MY MAN JUST LIKE YOU ALL LOVE YOURS UNCONDITIONALLY BUT I AM SURE OF ONE THING I KNOW THAT WHEN MY MAN COMS OUT IF HE EVER STOLE FROM ME THAT WOULD BE IT FOR US UNFORTUNATLY I HAVE STRUGGLED TOO LONG TO HAVE THE THINGS I HAVE FOR MY CHILDREN TO LET ANY MAN TAKE FROM THEM I DONT KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT ONE I KNOW IT HAPPENS ALOT TO ALOT OF PEOPLE BUT WE DO HAVE TO HAVE A LINE SOME WHERE A PERSON CAN ONLY MAKE A CHANGE IN THEMSELVES THEY HAVE TO WANT TO MAKE THAT WE CANT CHANGE ANYONE HOWEVER WE CAN BE SUPPORTIVE OF THEM THROUGH IT MY MAN HAS NEVER TAKEN FROM ME EVER IN THE PAST FROM HIS ADDICTION AND I PRAY HE NEVER DOES IN FACT I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM HIGH THANK GOD FOR THAT ONE ALSO HE KNOWS NEVER TO BRING THAT TO THE HOME I AM PRAYING WHEN HES RELEASED THAT HE STAYS FOCUSED ON HIS RECOVERY FROM HIS ADDICTION FIRST FOR HIMSELF AND THEN FOR US GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND TAKE CARE LOVE YOU PTO

I know how all of you feel...My husband is an alcoholic. 3 DWI's and he was just sent to prison the 12th of this month. Although he will not be there very long, he served the time in county jail...I wonder if he will keep his word and stay sober. I too can no longer live this life...Although I love him with all my heart, I may have to make a life with out him!....~Charm

I was wondering how your husband did when he got out of jail??? Did he stay away from the drugs!!

When mine got out he didn't!! I left him. I couldn't do the drama anymore!! So, I was curious how he did!!!

I Wonder The Same Thing, Will He Stay Clean When He Comes Home? I Love Him Very Much Or Else I Would'nt Still Be Here, But I Really Don't Think I Want To Live In All That "wild Crazy Drama" Again(people That Have Been Thru It Know What I Mean) And I Definately Don't Want Our Kids To Live In It Again! I've Never Done Drugs Before So I Guess I Don't Fully Understand The Power Of Addiction, But I Pray The Lord Gives Him The Strength He Needs To Overcome It!

Pinky, I Read Your Mail On The Prison Netand Thought I Might Give You A Little Info. Please Forgive Me, I Am New To All This Computer Stuff.
You Said That Your Husband Was Getting Out Soon And That You Feared Him Going Back To Drugs.
I Am Writing This Because I Was Released From A California Prison After 16 Years And What Put Me There Was Drugs.
I Used Drugs For A Long Time And I Always Lied To My Self And My Family That This Is The Last Time. After I Was Arrested And Sentenced To All That Time I Knew That I Was Going To Have To Do Something. Well For The First Five Years I Was Running Around Like A Mad Man Abiding By All Prison Rules. I Knew That If I Kept On The Way I Was, I Was Going Right Back To The Same Thing. One Day I Just Decided That I Was Going To Try Jesus, I Knew I Had To Do Something. Well After 16 Years I Found The Answere To Stop Using Drugs And That Was By Going To Church And Finding Out What God's Will Was For My Life.
Pinky, I M Not Trying To Preach To You But Im Just Telling You What God Has Done For Me. Since I Got Out, April 5, 2005, I Have Done No Drugs, I Go To Church And I Am Going To School To Learn How To Fix Computers. I Can Truly Say That The Sole Reason For This Is Because I Gave My Life To God.
If You Would Like To Ask Me Any Questions Please Write Or E-mail Me.
Know In Your Heart That I Will Have You And Your Family In Prayer.

In Christ
Art

WOW, I'm reading all these postings and I thought it was me that wrote them only my BF is an Alcoholic, We have been together for almost 5 yrs and between all the jail visits and now the prison visit half of our relationship was behind bars, EVERY visit is alcohol related and every conversation is the same "I'm sorry, this is never gonna happen again, I love you, please forgive me", He went up for parole in July and he was denied, and saddly I kinda gave a sigh of relief, he couldn't stay away from Alcohol while being on Probation so I keep thinking whats the difference if he gets parole, I Love him deeply and want to be the "Savior" but I don't drink,or do drugs so I don't understand the addiction, he come from a long history of alcoholics and everyone made it but his father, he says he wants to be there for his sons, but thinks Ohh one beer won't hurt me, I'll drink it in the garage and no one will even know, then if he doesn't "get caught" two will be ok and so on... I have told him before that If he wants to come home and decides that alcohol is more important than our family not to bother coming home, Is that Fair?? I went to Alonon and understand that I can't be the babysitter,nagging,threatening, b*tch but I dont want to wake up to find him not there or wake up to police sirens like this time, he can't tell me that this is never gonna happen again, so that really scares me, he tells me that he never wants it to happen again. We started going to church but he wants to move away, Alcohol is everywhere!! He grew up in Cali and thats where he wants to go WHY? We both have kids we have to share with other people so I'm not leaving, but he says he doesn't know if he can make it in LV. I kept thinking... why is my love not strong enough to keep him sober but I now know that its not love, its his wanting and willing to do what he needs to do to get help, and all I have is love and support!!!

I found this and I had to post. I thought I was through worrying about this at least for now or until it is almost time for him to come home. I made the decision that I would stand by him and I even married him on Sept. 7th. I was happy and proud and believed that him dedicating his life to God would make things all better or so I thought. Now for the past three nights I have been dreaming that he is home but I am not happy because he has gone back to using. I will wake up and shake it off then fall back to sleep and dream the same scenario over again. I guess subliminally it is really bothering me that he may go back to using. I don't want to doubt him and I do forgive him for the past but I don't know how I am going to handle it if things go back to the way he was right before he got arrested. Does this mean that I doubt my decision to get married? No, I just have issues that I need to work through before he gets home. I need to find the way to be the strong woman that I need to be for myself and my family, So if he decides to fall back into that old life that I can have the strength to not let him drag me down with him. I keep praying everyday for us and I will pray for you all.