Sigh, just an update for those of you who have been following my situation. This morning at about 6 am my husband got a phone call from one of his friends, we had only just gone to bed at 4am cause we had been up watching movies having a really nice time. I was so tired so I asked him to please stop talking (they weren't talking about anything at all and the friend was drunk) and tell the guy he would call him back later on. My husband said "shut up"; which of course p***ed me off and so I started yelling to hang up the d**mn phone so I could get some sleep. The next thing I knew my husband hit me upside the head so hard that I couldn't hear for a minute. Then I heard him yelling at me "I TOLD you to stop embarrassing me in front of my friends, you know I'm like a powder keg ready to go off at any minute; why do you push it?" He was screaming at me. I was kinda stunned and then the next thing I knew I felt a warm liquid coming from inside my head and trickling out my ear onto the pillow. I looked at the pillow and saw fresh blood and so I freaked out! I was like "I am bleeding from inside of my ear!" My husband's only concern seemed to be whether or not I was going to call the police. To make a long story shorter, I waited around and bled out of my ear for awhile and then after the bleeding stopped I still didn't feel quite right so I decided to go to the hospital. It was then about 7am. My husband had started to get back to his good side again so he wanted to know did I want him to go with me - I said no. So I went to the ER and the Dr. said my ear drum was ruptured. Oh yeah, I haven't posted about this but awhile ago I went and got a restraining order on my husband - in Michigan apparently they have strange restraining orders that do not get the guy out of the house, mine just said he could not hit me or threaten me. So I told them about the restraining order and they called the cops and now my husband is in jail. So now we will see what happens next, they told me he will be out in 24 hours.. the fool has saved up $1300 for bail money; ever since I got that restraining order, he was getting prepared for the inevitable; I guess he knows himself well. So much more has happened since I used to post about my prison marriage but this is all I am going to say for now about it. What a Mothers' Day present from him; a ruptured ear drum and an earache; not to mention the knife in my heart knot in my stomach feelings. We had such a nice day planned too, my husband just started going back to church again last week - he said he just felt compelled to go to this one particular church and when he got back he said then he knew why - the speaker had been a retired detective who spoke about domestic violence - my husband said he felt like the guy was talking right to him. So we were going to go to church together this morning and then he was going to take me out to lunch for Mother's Day. Well he shouldn't have hit me is all I can say.

I'm really sorry to hear what happend, I am here to supprt you!

I hope you have a good Mommies day regardless. Keep your head up. There's tons of support here for you.:grouphug:

I feel so sorry for you. I hope you feel better soon and everything works out.

Huggs. I'm a child of Domestic Violence, and all I can say is you did the right thing. Happy Happy Mothers Day**tite huggs*

Sounds like he put himself in jail!!!
Glad you put your foot down.

Domestic violence is not your fault. He needs to learn under no circumstance does a male hit a female, I don't care what the age.

I believe you did the right thing!! Treat yourself to a wonderful lunch.

ONE

(((hugs))) to you and don't worry I'm not having the Mother's Day that was planned for me either, but I guess we have to make the best of it huh? Mine isn't as bad as yours but me and my guy were fighting till 3am last night. Take care.

You did the right thing. I could never stay with a man who physically abused me. He needs to learn to stop using his fists and anger to get his point across. Frankly he should have been respectful of your wishes and either gotten off the phone or gone into another room to talk and not disturbed you.

You definatly did right...in no way should you tolerate someone being violent towards you. I'm glad you have the courage to take care of yourself and do what's right...a lot of women won't make that step for help. Good luck to you, and you've came to the right place for support!!

Isadora

I have followed your posts for awhile. You were not posting any thing else I thought that things were getting better. I'm so sorry that he hit you. But YOU did not put him in jail HE put himself there. I really hope that he stays away from you. Please remember that he has not right to touch you at all. No matter what!!!!

Isadora, I have been following your posts, and you have been so patient and loving with this man- you have had the utmost respect for your marriage vows, and for that I commend you. I'm so sorry that he has physically hurt you, and I believe you did the right thing in telling the truth about what happened. You are worth so much more than that- you have the right to feel safe at all times. You are completely correct when you say that he shouldn't have hit you- he put himself in jail, you didn't do anything wrong.
((big cuddles!!))

You did the right thing. I hope your Mother's Day gets better.

...he did put himself in jail...and he should not have hit you...I hope your ear will be okay...be safe if he bonds out...you deserve so much more and you have given him everything...HUGS!

I am also VERY sorry this happened to you....I HATE that so much (((GRRRR))) I hope youre ear will heal fast, and like Denimblue said, HE put HIMSELF in jail...HE messed up
(((LOVE N' HUGS)))

........then I heard him yelling at me "I TOLD you to stop embarrassing me in front of my friends, you know I'm like a powder keg ready to go off at any minute; why do you push it?"....... awhile ago I went and got a restraining order on my husband - in Michigan apparently they have strange restraining orders that do not get the guy out of the house, mine just said he could not hit me or threaten me.......Well he shouldn't have hit me is all I can say.

So, WHY DO you keep pushing it? If you're going to keep him in your house, you're going to have to "play by his rules" or end up hurt (or worse) some more. You're right, he shouldn't have hit you, but you know he's going to do it again, so why do you provoke him?
You really only have 2 choices here, and I think you know what they are.
Whichever you choose, I hope it's the one you can LIVE with!

GOOD LUCK! :thumbsup:

no ati2d; you don't seem to understand; it is all subjective in his head. Sometimes what he said was 'pushing it' today wouldn't be 'pushing it' on another day; it would be no big deal. He is totally unpredictable and I never know what is coming next or what is going to be ok or not. It all depends on the mood he is in.

He is totally unpredictable and I never know what is coming next or what is going to be ok or not. It all depends on the mood he is in.

If you know that, Isadora, then you really need to keep away from him....no matter what it takes.

If you continue to allow him back into your home and life, the violence will escalate and the situation will end badly. It's practically guaranteed.

He has shown his true colors for some time now....now it's on you to decide if your life is worth saving.

It's not too late....yet.

Isadora, I am so sorry this is happening to you. :(

I can honestly tell you from experience that they don't change. I don't care how much counseling or promises, once an abuser, always an abuser.

My Grandpa always said, "A man is not a man that would hit a woman"
He was an alcoholic and my Grandma was a strong Seventh Day Adventist. He never laid a hand on her.

Take care and PM me if you need to talk.
Pam :grouphug:

....My husband said "shut up"; which of course p***ed me off and so I started yelling to hang up the d**mn phone so I could get some sleep. The next thing I knew my husband hit me upside the head so hard that I couldn't hear for a minute.....My husband's only concern seemed to be whether or not I was going to call the police...... My husband had started to get back to his good side again so he wanted to know did I want him to go with me - I said no......ever since I got that restraining order, he was getting prepared for the inevitable; I guess he knows himself well....Well he shouldn't have hit me is all I can say.
Well, I don't know, but it sounds like you spoke pretty harshly to him! If you don't want him to blow up, you need to learn to be more meek & submissive ALL the time, no matter what he says or does. It's the only way you're going to keep from getting hit & keep him in your home. Paying bail sounds like an expensive way to resolve this. You should just let him say & do what ever he wants,.....or take some self-defense classes. :idea:

ati2d now I know you are joking, lol. By the way I am not allowed to pay his bail as I am the victim. And I wouldn't pay his bail anyhow.

Isadora,
Only half joking :(

so the half you are not joking about is taking the self defense classes? ;)

it is never alright for anyone to lay a hand an any other human being wether it be male to female or female to male and yes there are just as many females out there who hit men and men just stand by and take it. Why should she have kept her mouth shut. All she asked him to do was hang up the phone or tell him he would call him back later. That does not give anyone the right to hit someone so hard it ruptures their eardrum. Which by the way may never heal correctly.
Seeing my uncle beat my aunt makes me see where the victim is coming from. It does not matter if they are having a good day or a bad day one wrong thing said to tem can set them off. My uncle beat my aunt so bad one time because she told one of his friends at a wedding you look very nice. So he went home and beat hear because he felt she was hitting on him.
Isadora I wish you the best and I hope you figure out what you want to do. Sorry, my uncle got counseling and is doing very well and has not hit my aunt in over 10 years so counseling can help. Maybe it will help him becasue he sees he does have a problem. Thats the first step is to adnmitting it. IN the meantime i would make him move out untuil he can get help. good luck

so the half you are not joking about is taking the self defense classes? ;)
Every woman should take a basic self defense class, no matter what her home situation is like. We can all be unwitting victims of violence....anywhere. :(

Isadora, This is a subject I know to well, I lived in abuse for 20 years..Do they and can they change? If they reconize they have a problem and are welling to get help, it's like anything else, it's about taking responsibilty for ones actions, I wouldn't care if YOU would of smacked him in the head, he had no right to hit you. Plain & simple, if this man is abusive and not getting help, he'll do it again, I loved my husband very much but I had to finally throw in the towel, I to, had a busted eardrum, it's very painful, let it got girl, you deserve better....

I don't agree that women should be weak and submissive all the time to keep a man and not get hit.

you have a point, but you can't scratch the surface on each couples dynamics.... we all need to learn and understand how everyone works...

good luck to you Isadora- I'm rooting for ya.

it's sad. and on mother's day, too. I wonder how his mom feels knowing where her son is again..... speaking of which, I should call Charlies mom. doh!

Isadora,

Please be safe! I am glad that you made this step. BUT all to well do I know the cycle of the abused. I pray that you move on if not you may not be able to let us know about the next argument/fight.

ONE

He has threatened you, left you without transportation, left for days without calling and the list goes on, according to your previous posts. He definitely has shown you his "unpredictable" side.

You really need to think DO you value your life? Is this relationship worth the risk of losing your life over?

You are a smart, pretty, funny girl and I think PTO members hate to see you "playing" with your life, literally!

So many have been where you are and know the horrible risk you are taking. :(

He will not change no matter how many restraining orders you have. Leave him right now while you're still alive! PLEASE!

I was thinking the same thing you know he is locked up now---you should seek a safe environment while he is locked up.

ONE

In early America it was acceptable for husbands to hit their wives. There were laws on the books regarding the size of the cane a husband used to beat her with. Then we got the Right TO Vote and things have been progressing since.

There are shelters and help to be had for those who want it. If you take him back all I can say is I hope you wise up before it's to late. You have done nothing that gives him the right to lay a hand on you. Please don't put yourself in that situation again.

Girl, I'm so sorry you are going through this. He put himself in jail and apparently was ready for it, saving up money for bail or bond. (What ever it's called) My first husband used to hit me...once they start they usually don't ever stop...just gets worse each time. I fear for your safety when this 24 hours is up and he is out again. Please, do all you can to make sure you will be safe. I wish you the best of luck...I hope your ear gets better fast...ouch...a ruptured ear drum...sounds so painful. Take care of yourself and Happy Mother's Day!

Girl, my heart goes out to you. My ex did the same thing to me except it was with his fist. He also broke my nose when I was 3.5 months pregnant with our son.....

Just be safe and know that we are here for you.

........The next thing I knew my husband hit me upside the head so hard that I couldn't hear for a minute. .......I was kinda stunned and then the next thing I knew I felt a warm liquid coming from inside my head and trickling out my ear onto the pillow. I looked at the pillow and saw fresh blood and so I freaked out! I was like "I am bleeding from inside of my ear!" My husband's only concern seemed to be whether or not I was going to call the police...... I waited around and bled out of my ear for awhile and then after the bleeding stopped I still didn't feel quite right so I decided to go to the hospital. It was then about 7am. My husband had started to get back to his good side again so he wanted to know did I want him to go with me - I said no. So I went to the ER and the Dr. said my ear drum was ruptured........What a Mothers' Day present from him; a ruptured ear drum and an earache; not to mention the knife in my heart knot in my stomach feelings.......
:confused: I hope you have good health insurance. All of these ER visits must be getting expensive.
You said "What a Mother's Day present....". Are there children in the home that are observing this abuse happening? You know, children of abusers may grow up to be abusers themselves or allow themselves to be abused. Do you want this to happen to your child? :confused:
But, bottom line......you LOVE him so that makes it all OK!

Please keep the thread on topic and limited to known facts only. If you only have assumptions or sarcasm to post then please walk on by

(((Isadora)))),

I am so sorry that HE PUT HIMSELF IN JAIL...you did nothing wrong. Oh god this is so awful, I hadn't read any posts from you and I thought everything was going well..I am so sorry he hurt you and your heart.

Isadora, although I've never been in this situation, I have seen it firsthad through close friends. Please get out of the sitation as soon as possible. It can only get worse unless he really wants to change. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

HONEY im speaking from experience GET OUT OF IT NOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!! I WAS IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE IVE HAD THE EARDRUM ORDEAL 2,FINGERS,LEGS,THE WORKS AND I FELL FOR THE BS EVERY TIME AND NOW HES DEAD AND IM LIVING WITHOUT ALL THE BEATINGS IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE!!!! MY ATTY, TOLD ME DONT START NOTHING U CANT FINISH!!!!!!PM ME IF U WANT 2 KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED!

If you know that, Isadora, then you really need to keep away from him....no matter what it takes.

If you continue to allow him back into your home and life, the violence will escalate and the situation will end badly. It's practically guaranteed.

He has shown his true colors for some time now....now it's on you to decide if your life is worth saving.

It's not too late....yet.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. Isadora, he put his own self in jail, by his actions. No one deserves to be treated this badly. I only pray this will be a large enough red flag to you to show you what you have in store if you continue to take his abuse. I fear that one day, you just will no longer be here with us. That would be so sad, especially since you can take care of yourself.

Stay strong and sending good wishes to you. I hope your eardrum heals in a short time.

He bonded out today before his arraignment. I only know that because I called the jail to find out when I hadn't heard anything by 6pm. I had left a message with them last night that they were to call me if and when he was released and they took my phone # and put it in his file and said they would. NOW I find out he bonded out at noon and no one bothered to call me at all! So I was home and he was out and I didn't even know it. Later on today I went to my sister's to visit and when I got home a little while ago all his stuff was gone from the house plus both his vehicles were gone too. So maybe he plans to cooperate. The jail people told me since he bonded out he hasn't even been arraigned yet, he is supposed to call them tomorrow to set a date and time. So they can't even tell me what the charges are til he is arraigned!!! Now who wants to make bets on whether or not he will even call them tomorrow to set the date and time or not? I asked if anyone told him that he is supposed to be having no contact with me and they said that it says that right on the bond. I assume he knows, he's no dummy about this stuff. Actually I kinda think he had this all planned for some reason. Maybe he wanted out of the marriage and this is how he went about it. Because he did have the exact amount of bail money saved up in his checking account. I saw the bank statement so I know it was there. And the other day when we went shopping and he bought a ton of groceries he said "I"m buying all of these groceries and you are going to kick me out". At that time I said 'no I'm not why are you saying that?" But maybe he had planned what he was going to do, who knows. Anyway he is gone.

Sorry you have to go through all this! Stay strong and keep your head up! I don't think it's right, what some have said! Easier said then done! Some don't understand if they haven't been in this type of situation! I have been there and back and could write a book, and if any man did this to me I would be gone! But it took a lot for me to learn that! I went through so much! I always thought I could change a man! I now realize that I CAN'T! Good Luck with everything! Pm me if you ever want to talk about things! I can relate!

My former husband had anger managment problems. In those days, they would just make him take a walk and cool down. It was up to the person who was abused to file charges, whiach was rarely done because of fear of retaleation. These days many juridictions press charges to take the victim out of the loop.

I feel he did it to himself. Best of luck to you.

words are one thing but physical violence is another...:(

cawilla and phillygirl thank you so much for your kind words and comprehension of what I am going through.

You took a step that might have saved your life. Some women I know would have made up excuses and let him stay. That would only have given him the idea that that is accapetable behavior. It is not!

Good Luck,
B.G

Later on today I went to my sister's to visit and when I got home a little while ago all his stuff was gone from the house plus both his vehicles were gone too. So maybe he plans to cooperate.
Thank God. At least this takes the decision making right out of your hands. You are in a very tough emotional situation and it can be hard to remain strong.

Maybe you should have someone stay with you for a few days or go stay somewhere else. I don't think you should stay there all by yourself. Please be careful.

Sending you a great big hug :grouphug: and wishing you the best Isadora.

Isadora

I have been following your posts from the get-go, and I am not going to sit here and tell you what you should have done. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but didn't.

You cannot sit and foccus on the past, you can only concentrate on the present and your future.

This man is dangerous, and eventually, you might end up with a lot worse than a ruptured eardrum. Isadora, you might end up in a body bag.

YOU DID NOT PUT HIM IN JAIL!!!! He did that all on his own. You have done everything you possibly could have to make this relationship work, but this man is not all there. You are a good person, and you deserve so much better!

I am really hoping that this is the first step of the rest of your life, a safe life, without this monster!!!!!

You are strong girl, and you can do this!!!!

Please PM me if you need to talk, or whatever. I am here for you!!!

(((Hugs and Strength)))

Isadora - This is the moment you've been waiting for - he's out! I realize you will still live in fear, but for Heaven's sake, keep him out! Nothing about this will get better if you ever let him come back. You've done some educating yourself about the how/why of abuse, and now's the time to learn about doing without it! Godspeed

take it from me honey take this time to get yourself 2 gether it will b hard but u can do it i dont want 2 c another woman in my shoes if she was paid 2 b in them it can get very ugly and thats no lie pm me if u want 2 talk!

[I know that was a very hard thing to do but he gave you no other choice. Any man that hits a woman is not a man. I hope that things start to go better for you.

Isadora

Please be safe with him being out. I really hope that he goes away and stays away. Know we are here for you!!! And alot of us have been when you are at. You will make it though this!!!!

sorry to hear of your situation, but you did the right thing. imo, you need to have someone stay with you a few nights or go to a friends house. i have been thru this and it only gets worse, i ended up with back surgery and my back is still messed up after 20 some years. please take care hon, i know its hard but your life is more important than any love.(on your side) he doesn't love anyone except his self, if he did you would not be hurt this way.

You did the right thing............(((((HUGGS)))))

Isadora, speaking as one who has been through abuse, you did the right thing. Now keep him out. I know it's easier said than done. Keep yourself safe, that is the main thing.

I wish you the best,
Nance

Whew you all are right when you said this was a hard thing to do. Even now I feel like I am pushing a mountain back, or a big wall of water that wants to come crashing down on me when I am trying to stay strong and resist the urge to call him, etc. I just keep telling myself that I am missing out on a great relationship by putting up with this one. That this is not how love should be. He is being charged with DV and he is so far abiding by the no contact order. But that doesn't mean I am not being pressured by people. Early this morning his daughter called me and wanted to know what happened, but really what she wanted to know was if I was going to drop the charges. I told her I am not the one who pressed the charges so I cannot drop them. Then his friend called me asking me to just go down to the court and tell them it was all a big misunderstanding. HELLO? I said this is WAY more than a big misunderstanding, he ruptured my eardrum! The friend said just tell the court that you guys are going to work it out and go to counseling. I said my husband has never wanted to go to counseling so why would I tell the court that? The friend is nagging at me to 'drop the charges'; and again I am like "I can't, it's out of my hands". But none of these people are calling to ask "How are you doing after going through all of this?" All anyone seems to be concerned with is that my husband might be charged with a felony (again) and get locked up.

Isadora-Huge hugs to you! ((()))) I am so sorry that you are not getting the support that you REALLY need right now...hope you know your PTO family really cares about you and your feelings. You are the victim and sympathy you be with the victim...I hope you stay safe and strong!

Isadora, Please don't let those people get to you, I KNOW how hard it is, but your the victim here, stay strong, the mans got serious issues girl, don't answer thier calls if you have to, go to any lengths to keep him out, you can do it.... :grouphug:

...if he gets locked up again...he made that choice himself...we care about you...please be safe!

Some Women Will Go To The End Being Abused---------i Stopped It--i Know How It Is To Keep Going With Them-----but Nope There Is No Reason For Anyone To Hit Anyone----its ----against--the Law----just Like Drinking And Driving-the Law Is The Law Love It Or Get The Shit Beat Out Of You----until Women Put A Stop To It --it Will Continue------guess What When And If You Let Him Go --there Is A Woman To Take Him----------let Her Have Him-------be True To Yourself.

HE put HIMself in jail. Not you. Period. :)

Isadora - the very consistent pattern of abusers is to get you to drop the charges, or fail to appear to testify against him, or to soft-pedal the facts. So be armed against that, and, if you have to, print out all that you have posted, and read it over and over again, so you won't be swayed to his side at all. A nice long prison sentence is just what you need for him. Then you can go about rebuilding your soul and your life. But if you give, just a little, on your testimony, you will give him an out again. He will do everything he can to make that happen, including being nice, or at least compliant, so that you soften what you have a right to say - he hurt me, he terrorized me, he diminished me.
So now's your chance at a new beginning - surround yourself with safety and friends and love. Godspeed.

OMG they are so good at it too, I can feel myself being pulled toward him. I am trying to keep his face in my mind after he hit me and my ear was bleeding and I was looking out the window thinking what to do, and he was so unconcerned about my being hurt and all he said was 'what, you called the cops and you are looking for them to come now?' I hadn't even been near the phone but all he cared about was his own a**; nothing about me. This is a hard thing to get through and it is hard to be strong and believe me the words of ENCOURAGEMENT that I receive at PTO are so much help. Thanks guys for the support, you really do make a difference. Thanks nimuay.

I wondered, when he gets out, what are you going to do? Don`t you understand what they think when you take them back after they have done something like this, "you do not respect yourself so why should he". Hitting women is wrong, but if you keep taking him back the message your giving him is it must not be to bad or else why would you keep letting him come back?
I hope God gives you the strenght to do what you ever it takes to be safe. Good Luck and I hope you make the right decision, it`s the only one you should be able to live with.

Please keep the thread on topic and limited to known facts only. If you only have assumptions or sarcasm to post then please walk on by
My sentiments exactly.

Isadora,

I am glad you are okay. I had been thinking about you. Please know there are other women who have men who don't bring anything to the table and they still hang on because they (i guess) love thier man. I know the ring he bought you makes you want to hang in there, but you now see CLEARLY that he is not going to change without help. Sometimes we have to wallow with the pigs before we will return home. I'm glad to see you posting and I hope you continue. Most of us are here to support you in whatever decision you make. Lord Jesus, I hope you stick to this one. If you don't care about yourself, HE NEVER WILL.

It's a day to cheer if another woman has finally crossed that bridge of "Enough."
Don't look back - it's better on this side.

Thanks. Words of support and encouragement really help. Yes I think he will get to see what life is like without me now and see how he likes it. I will never let him back now that I have finally gotten him out! Or at least not without serious and sincere changes on his part.

Some don't understand if they haven't been in this type of situation! But it took a lot for me to learn that! I always thought I could change a man! I now realize that I CAN'T!
YES INDEED!! :yes:

Isadora, I'm soo sorry for what you have been going through! :( I pray for your strength during this time and I hope things look up very soon!! Your life is very precious and valuable. :) Please be safe and know we are here!!! :grouphug:

OMG they are so good at it too, I can feel myself being pulled toward him. I am trying to keep his face in my mind after he hit me and my ear was bleeding and I was looking out the window thinking what to do, and he was so unconcerned about my being hurt and all he said was 'what, you called the cops and you are looking for them to come now?' I hadn't even been near the phone but all he cared about was his own a**; nothing about me. This is a hard thing to get through and it is hard to be strong and believe me the words of ENCOURAGEMENT that I receive at PTO are so much help. Thanks guys for the support, you really do make a difference. Thanks nimuay.

They are good at it! I had a guy that gave me black eyes, busted lips, everything! Then he would lie to me and say "I didn't hit you that hard." I can't believe I started believing his lies! It was crazy! Now that I look back, I say "why didn't I leave sooner? What was wrong with me?"

I lived in that same situation for 12 years. I still love my ex and always will. I only wanted to see the good in him and I honestly thought he would change and maybe one day he will. I know what it is like to have people call so you can help him, yes I did it for my ex. We still have to deal with each other because we have two kids. I dont see him alone and he has moved 20 hours away. It is still not easy I get upset every time he calls I listen to all the bad things I have done and still get yelled at but I made it out and I pray that what comes your way God will take care of you. Leaving is something you have to do when you are ready. Be strong and only worry about today. Also keep busy and stay around people that would pressure you, it will help and every day will get better. Please be safe and God be with you.

Thanks. Words of support and encouragement really help. Yes I think he will get to see what life is like without me now and see how he likes it. I will never let him back now that I have finally gotten him out! Or at least not without serious and sincere changes on his part.


Isadora..you don't understand. You just went from I will never take him back (good for you) and then backed down. Until you understand this relationship is over you will take him back. You need to get into a domestic violence center and get some of the women there talking to you. Let them give you some direction and support.

He may be (when he isn't mad at you) the most gifted, handsome,
funny, generous etc. man in the world. You may be remembering the good times now that your ear is healing. Next time you may be spitting broken teeth in the sink (you're so pretty in your picture - I hope it doesn't come to that). I guarantee you he will hit you again. Please don't do that to yourself.

whoops~! I am new here, didn't mean to post an empty box, I had written a very long message and the internet ate it!

Isadora, I know what it feels like being in a marriage where abuse is the daily question .....who am I going to get today? The one who loves me or the one who hates me?

I hope you get out and get Isadora back hunny!

My husband (2nd one) is in prison because he violated parole by hitting me. I am heartbroken - but better my heart than my face (or eardrum!) - what is next? I found the website drirene.com very helpful when I first started to get healty in 1999 - stayed single until last June 2004 when I married my bouyfriend of 1.5 yrs......then he turned too and it always takes TWO. The first time(9 yrs) I was total victim - this last time I was the "rescuer" - argh! My freedom and peace of mind seems to have cost my husband HIS - but it's not LOVE - it's toxic emotional poison and your husband is not going to stop or get better. Sour milk stays sour, no matter how long we keep hoping.

It's all about "THEM - he's "me me me me" and we become "him him him" and - in the process - we lose who we are. Please take care hunny, you are not alone!
xoxox
Ginger

Isadora. My name is Marsha, and my husband has been locked up for 6 months AGAIN. Ours was a prison romance. And that romance ended up in HELL 9 months after his release. I didn't know until after I had to get a Order of Protection that he killed his fiance through domestic violence by throwing her over a 4th floor balcony to her death. I didn't know that he beat up his mother frequently and tortured his retarded brother for years. I didn't know that he used to torture animals. He is worse than just an abuser. He is a sociopath. He abused and tried to kill his first wife, he abused and tried to kill me. He abused my daughter. It all started happening so subtly that I didn't know what was happening until I was in too deep. Then, there was the game playing of leaving him and going back, leaving and going back. You see, I loved him then. The day after I filed the Order, my daughter and I spent the night in a hotel. The next morning, I went by the house, and realized after I put the lock in the key that he was in the house. ( I had changed the locks. ) I backed out the door and ran, then he was at the door. I was on the phone and in my car backing out of the parking space, calling the police SCARED TO DEATH. 4 Police cars came, and took him away. He was found guilty of violating the Protection Order, sent to jail, then to prison, then back to Virginia to await a parole revocation hearing. I have spoken out and broken the silence. I have been interviewed by two newspapers. I am going to start speaking out about domestic violence in public. Since my husband was out on mandatory release, they are going to try to take back all his good time from 17 years in prison, and then he will get 5 years back in. I hate him now. He still writes to me lies , lies, lies lies, and fabricates these amazing stories of all lies, trying to draw me back in. I will never go back to him. I can't wait to get divorced. Even though I've moved to an undisclosed location, I will have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life in case he gets out and comes looking for me to kill me. Isadora, I am with you. I know your pain. I feel you. I pray for you. Please go to a domestic violence and learn. Become educated. My local domestic violence center helped to save my life. And I also read a GREAT book (it's like the author wrote it about my husband) "Why Does He Do That?" "Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." By LUNDY BANCROFT. It is a GREAT book.

With Love and Peace and many Prayers and Blessings,
Marsha

One more thing Isadora....when people tell you such things as "drop the charges" and "go to counseling" Tell them: "Tell him to stop abusing me" Expose him. Tell everything and tell everyone. Keep talking. Make him accountable. Break the silence. Let the message get across that you are not going to stand by and let him get away with it. And please, read that book. You will see your husband there.
With Love and blessings,
Marsha

Yes, I know. One MORE things....couples counseling does NOT work for an abuser/batterer. Once again, read that book please!

Marsha

Wow Marsha, your story is incredible. Thank goodness you are safe.

By you speaking out, you will help so many others.

One more thing Isadora....Tell everything and tell everyone. Keep talking. Make him accountable. Break the silence. Let the message get across that you are not going to stand by and let him get away with it.
With Love and blessings,
Marsha
Another good reason to keep talking & tell everyone is if/when he kills Isadora, the police will have a "person of interest" right away! :cry:
I'm glad you're safe for the time being, Marsha.
Everyone wants to believe this type of thing will never happen to them, only someone else. It's called denile .
:shake:

Wow Marsha, I am also thankful that you made it out of that ok. Thank you for sharing. I have just finished reading that book that you mentioned and yes it is awesome and very informative. Yes I did see my husband in there, on every page!

Sigh, just an update for those of you who have been following my situation. This morning at about 6 am my husband got a phone call from one of his friends, we had only just gone to bed at 4am cause we had been up watching movies having a really nice time. I was so tired so I asked him to please stop talking (they weren't talking about anything at all and the friend was drunk) and tell the guy he would call him back later on. My husband said "shut up"; which of course p***ed me off and so I started yelling to hang up the d**mn phone so I could get some sleep. The next thing I knew my husband hit me upside the head so hard that I couldn't hear for a minute. Then I heard him yelling at me "I TOLD you to stop embarrassing me in front of my friends, you know I'm like a powder keg ready to go off at any minute; why do you push it?" He was screaming at me. I was kinda stunned and then the next thing I knew I felt a warm liquid coming from inside my head and trickling out my ear onto the pillow. I looked at the pillow and saw fresh blood and so I freaked out! I was like "I am bleeding from inside of my ear!" My husband's only concern seemed to be whether or not I was going to call the police. To make a long story shorter, I waited around and bled out of my ear for awhile and then after the bleeding stopped I still didn't feel quite right so I decided to go to the hospital. It was then about 7am. My husband had started to get back to his good side again so he wanted to know did I want him to go with me - I said no. So I went to the ER and the Dr. said my ear drum was ruptured. Oh yeah, I haven't posted about this but awhile ago I went and got a restraining order on my husband - in Michigan apparently they have strange restraining orders that do not get the guy out of the house, mine just said he could not hit me or threaten me. So I told them about the restraining order and they called the cops and now my husband is in jail. So now we will see what happens next, they told me he will be out in 24 hours.. the fool has saved up $1300 for bail money; ever since I got that restraining order, he was getting prepared for the inevitable; I guess he knows himself well. So much more has happened since I used to post about my prison marriage but this is all I am going to say for now about it. What a Mothers' Day present from him; a ruptured ear drum and an earache; not to mention the knife in my heart knot in my stomach feelings. We had such a nice day planned too, my husband just started going back to church again last week - he said he just felt compelled to go to this one particular church and when he got back he said then he knew why - the speaker had been a retired detective who spoke about domestic violence - my husband said he felt like the guy was talking right to him. So we were going to go to church together this morning and then he was going to take me out to lunch for Mother's Day. Well he shouldn't have hit me is all I can say.

good luck girl my heart is with you...its very hard to give up something that is so normal, ups and downs bad times and good times... but if you put them side by sine the bad things seem a whole lot bigger. Its scary to give up a comfort situation(maby not good but secure in its own way) you know deep down its not right but it feels like if youre there and things go well for a while everything will get better or that you can make it better.... what you need to do is find one thing that comforts you in a good way everyday... not about him but about what you love... even if its just stopping and looking at a flower or the stars....and taking that feeling and just keep going... letting go is hard because its familiar to stay and having to deal with a big scary worldalone is very hard... you can do it though. let him go.. love should feel good not hurt. so leave him. you have one life to live and one future.. you choose wether it is good or bad, happy or sad, but remember greet each day with a smile and thank a higher power that you are alive and tell your self you can make it...Happy Mothers day hun... you make it special for yourself... Kat

It's frightening, isn't it, to find that so much of your relationship has already been lived by someone else, and written down, reported, analyzed, used as an example of wrongness. Isadora, if you back down in any way, a bunch of us here will have to make a mass visit to Michigan and track you down, rope you and hang you from a tree 'till you come to your senses!!

I know that this is digging up an old post but I'd be interested in knowing what has happend with your husband and where you are in your life right now.

Wow it was so nice to see that you are interested in what is going on with me and my situation after all of this time! I don't mind telling you but it's going to be long. Happy Thanksgiving by the way! Well my husband has been out for one year and 8 months now. It has been the roughest road; rougher than I ever could have imagined. I am going one day at a time here; today is Thanksgiving, and my husband took me out to eat to a very nice and expensive restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner today before I went to work at 2:30pm. We had a nice, quiet, peaceful time together and just enjoyed our meal. He dropped me off at work and we had some nice kisses and he left. So that was today. To summarize the rest of the time since last Mother's Day when he went to jail; he is about half way through the abuser classes that he is mandated to go to by the court. I actually think that he is learning some things there in spite of himself! I can tell small differences in his behavior. I actually think that they may be getting through to him somewhat! At least about his need to control everyone and me especially, now he keeps saying 'I know I'm a control freak' all the time; so at least he is getting some insight into himself. He is still on Probation and says he refuses to move back in with me completely until he is off of that, and that's a good thing. He does not want to go back to prison and he is so paranoid about everything still. He bought himself a small trailer/camper and stayed inthat half the time all summer, now that the weather is cold he has brought that home and rented himself a one bedroom house - he stays half the time there and half the time with me; we both need our space. I can see now that because of the prison experience he is used to being alone alot and still needs that sometimes. The prison experience has taken it's toll on him and he has struggled to survive out here since his release. The good news is that he has a great job and just got a raise! They love him because he is such a hard worker. The bad news is that he has a second job that ...well he should know better is all I'm going to say about that. I have told him that it is going to take him right back down the road to where he came from....prison....and he said 'I know it', but won't stop doing it. So, we still have bad days and good days; today was a good day by the way. He has not hit me again since Mother's Day; he has gotten furiously angry on several occasions; he has that explosive temper; but he has learned to just leave when it gets to that point now. He calms down and comes back later when he is over it. He gets verbally and emotionally abusive at times still though, I am hoping that through the classes he can learn to stop doing that too. So that is where we are at at this point in time.

Thanks for the update on where you two are right now. I think that a positive step is him understanding that he has some issues to deal with that are not caused by you. Quick tempers are deep seated issues that have to be dealt with on a personal level. I use to have a nasty temper and took it out during sports and fighting. I’m a pretty calm person now and not much gets me riled up. Honestly I’m surprised that you two are still together after all that you have gone through but I can say that I personally would not have stayed. I dated a abusive woman years ago and she was totally shocked when I told her that I was tired of being mentally beaten down a scolded like a little boy.
You must be an amazingly strong woman to deal with all that has happened to you, and I’m sure that I don’t know that half of it. The world need more strong woman like you, so keep doing what you’re doing and lets hope that he no longer has a cranial rectal inversion.

You should retitle the thread. My husband put himself in jail !!

I know! But at the time that's what I was feeling like. Getsome thank you so much for the positive strokes, I appreciate them. My husband has just recently actually stated that "I shouldn't have hit you". All this time since Mother's Day he wouldn't admit that. Now when he starts talking about the incident and it's about all the things that I did; I remind him that the problem was that he hit me and all the rest of that would never have happened. He actually agreed finally and said "I f*cked up". I really think that in his twisted mind he never really saw that before! Thank you again for saying I am a strong woman, you made me smile. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving Isadora. You sure as he** ARE strong, and good-hearted, and it's great to hear from you again.

As odd as it might sound I’m happy to hear that when things get heated that he leaves to cool off for a bit. I use to do that also and it helps to think and to get your thoughts in order. Several times I had to tell an ex girlfriend that I was going to leave for a little bit till she calmed down and could talk to me like an intelligent person. If I came back and she was still ranting and raving I just left to go home to let her cool down for a day or so. I grew up with a person with a short fuse and I refuse deal with someone who can’t talk to me with out cussing or making a logical argument. My wife is very even keeled and doesn’t fly off the handle very often, and when she does she more then likely has a good reason for it.
Him admitting that he screwed up is a huge gesture on his part that he made a mistake. Most choose it ignore that one little fact and take the easy road and blame it on the other for “pushing my buttons” or “bitching at me”. I hope he continues with the classes and gets to the root of the problem so that you never get hit again.
I’ve been married for 6 months now and I tell my wife that I know now what Froto(from Lord Of the Rings) meant when he said “this ring is my burden to bear” , and I get punched in the arm. :D A marriage is hard work and so is helping someone deal with their demons also, and I think that you must be an intensely strong person to deal with all of this. Good luck and I’ll continue to pester you from time to time for updates.

girl u did the right thing and that really sucks are u thinking of divorce or no? cuz u really dont deserve that and really u should get awat from him before he comes out and does it to you again just my advice but to each their own so i hope u make a wise decision but good luck to you

Isadora it is good to see you here again!!! I really hope for you that things keep getting better!!! At least he knows that he did wrong and is learning to better himself!!!

I hope so too AmyLynn! Now he is going around telling his family and eveyone that I am a 'trooper'. I guess even he is amazed that I have hung in there through all of this.

You are a trooper and it is good he knows that he has a good woman standing with him!!! I'm amazed that you stood by him though all of this.. But it really sounds alot better!!!!!

...Isadora...good to hear from you! :)

It is good to hear from you. I am glad that all is going in the right direction. Keep us posted. I care about you.

I understand these folks giving you kudos, but how in the world can you stay with a person who smacked you so hard it ruptured your eardrum?? You know it's just a matter of time before this guy loses his nut and does something worse. I hope for the best for you, and really hope this guy doesn't hurt you..

Isadora where in MI are you?? I am in MI too..I am in Benton Harbor

just Saw This Post And I Have To Make A Comment You Did Not Put Him In Jail He Put Himself There Life Is Too Precious To Have Someone In Your Life That Can Take It From You God Bless

I kinda have to agree with rick on this one. Me persoanlly if he was smart enough to save his own bail he is smart enough to say and do the right things until he is paper free. I was a battered wife at one time and the Im sorry's i will never do it again just didnt cut it. my first broken bone came from abuse and that was the day i took my 3 month old son walked out that door and never looked back. since then he has gone thru wife number 4 has 6 kids total including our 1 child and they are all by different girls and all of his divorces were granted by abuse. not to say the leopard cant change his spots but it is very rare cases. just be careful an i hope we dont read about you being in a body bag one day. Take care and happy holidays to all

I get so tired of people asking the victim "why do you stay?" the real question should be "why do men abuse women?" Then we might get somewhere....

Blessings,
Marsha

Thank you Marsha. I get tired of it too.

Isadora It is good to see you check in!! I hope that things are still going on the right road for you and your husband!!!

if we knew the answer to that then there wouldnt be so many battered and abuses females in this world now would there? on the other hand lets not all blame then men I have known females that abuse the men too. abuse is abuse no matter which gender is the abuser. plain and simple. if you stay then its your risk your life. shelters are available for those that dont have familes some even help you obtain jobs and education . in some cases they even place you in new identities and cities. so its not all one sided both genders do it but abuse is abuse and someone needs to learn to put the foot down and say NO YOU WILL NOT TREAT ME LIKE THIS!

I decided to stop thru here and just say that I have been in relationships where i was the punching bag!!! Its a hard topic to discuss but I really don't care how much a women loves a man, if he is beating on you then its not love! Your afraid of whats to come without him in your life!!!! Honestly there are soooo many red flags that went up in my past relationships that i should have seen it coming but i was too "in-love" to take a look around! I will say what my mother told me once, "a leopard never changes its stripes" so be humble and look to God and your answers will follow! Value yourself and i just want to say the book that brought me to the point where i can love me and love others was a book called "women thou art loosed" by bishop t.d. jakes it is a wonderful empowering easy-reader book that just explains the role of a women in todays world! Take care adn God Bless!!!

Oh Honey! I'm sorry this has happened to you but you know what? It sounds to me like he did this to himself - not something you did to HIM. Dont put up with his sh*t. Show him who is boss or he will do it worse to you next time.

*hugs*

Please not folk, that besides this last post. The last post on this thread was in January of 06.

Patti