Hi name is Norma and I had this boyfriend for two years and the first year was great but the second year he was someone i didn't know, we got into this arguement of something stupid and he started yelling throwing things and he slapped me threw me on the floor and tied my legs up and he was going to tie my hands together but he realized what he was doing and stopped but he would let me out of the house for two days untill he turned his back and i ran out he got into his car and chased me around town so i ran to the police station he got arrested a week later and i moved to my moms in another town he went to jail for 4 months got out and got 3 years of probation he found me and keep bugging me and like a stupid that i was i let him talk me into going back with him we lived in seperate towns i would go visit him and he would come here he kept telling me how sorry he was and that it won't happen again and i believed him and then 8 months later he started to accuse me of cheating on him and i got tired and told him i didn't want to be with him and the next day he showed up and started with me and i told him to go home that i don't have time for this because i had to go to work he said he didn't have money to get home so i told him to stay in his car at my house and when i get out of work i'll put gas so he could go home he didn't do that he went to my moms and started to yell at her so she called the police and he got arrested but they let him out the next day when he got out he came over and told me he's not going back home untill everything is alright with us so i lied to him and told him everything is alright with us and he went home the next day his probation officer called and told me he recieved a fax from the police station from where i lived and told me he was going to arrest him the next day now he in jail again i went to court to tell him i didn't want nothing to do with him but all he said was he loves me very much and hopes i will wait for him and he walked out. he went to court again but i didn't go this time because i didn't want to see him, they were going to give him a year but he fought it and now he's going to Wasco prison i don't know for how long because i didn't go to court . I told him I didn't love him but i lied I still love him very much and i miss him alot sometimes i cry at night i think of him alot when i hear his name or smell his coglon or hear the songs he dedicated to me on the radio.
So I was think maybe somebody out there could give me advise in to what to do.

I know this is hard for you. Alot of us here been through the same thing. He needs help. Once an abuser starts, they dont normally stop untill they get help. It is nothing that you have done, you did not deserve this no matter what he tells you.
I know it is hard for you. Please know that you have done the right thing moving to your mom's. He needs to get counselling and see what he is doing to hurt you. They dont normally do t his untill help is in process.
Please know that your not alonme. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM.

On behalf of everyone here, please find your puctuation related keys...
Now, Breathe... Breathe again.... Breathe again...

Locate a phone book,...fiind some listing under domestic violence help-line, hot-line or counselling. Call it.

Find the time, now that he's in prison or somewhere else, to start seeing a counsellor.

You may discover that what he has is not love, what you have is not love, what you've had together is not a dang thing like love, perhaps just a really nasty habit.

The person on the phone at the DV hotline can explain that better.

Good luck.

Norma,I'm glad you joined PTO.There are some very good stories on this site about DV,and you would probably find some help in them and be able to relate.As Lulu said,he needs help,but more importantly"YOU need help". And as Life said,this is not love. Please read the stories on this site about the people who have been there and done that and get some help. Good luck to you.

What else can I say- everyone has told you the right things. You are whare we once were, that's why we can relate and see things clearly. Please, give it a try and make some phonecalls ASAP.


Take care,


Tanya

I have been going to therapy and thats how i realized i can't change him I just want to stop thinking of him Thank you all you have been nice about it I just have to be strong so when he gets out he don't talk me into going back with him :)

After I left my first hubby, I thought about him for years, to the point where I thought I would have a nervous break down. I was in constant thought of him, in many ways. Wonder why all the time, why did he do this, what did i do? Wonderdered why my love was not good enough? I think those thoughts are normal, and in time with thearpy, it will change. You hang in there and If you ever need us, we are here

he always told me i got him to do those things that if i didn't get him so mad he wouldn't do those thing to me his favorite word to me were "i'm gonna nut up" and always i would say sorry to him until i started going to therapy and she said it was my fault and i started to beleive it and when he would say those words to i would tell him to go ahead he was seeing i was getting stronger and he would change his voice to fear that i would cut him out of my life and now that i have i feel a sence of relief and it feel s good to be without him but i still miss him but i think it will go away in time it's that i never been in love before and when i met him it was love because it was so different with him than the others.

You have received some excellent advice here, but I wanted to second it. I was in the same situation except I married him and had a son with him.

You do love them, that's the hard part, but I knew I couldn't live like that. What helped me was joining a group. Sitting there hearing all those women's stories, I finally figured out what you have already figured out. You can't change him. And, chances are, it will probably get worse. When they are good they are very very good and when they are bad - watch out! Anyway the group helped me stay strong when that was the hardest thing, and gave me the encouragement I needed to do the things I knew I needed to do.

Pardon.
From you first post it seemed that you hadn't been to therapy. From your third post when you said that the therapist told you it was your fault for bringing it on,...and her best advice was to stand up to an abuser and doubledogdare him to 'go ahead'.... is a really good indication that you are not working with a really good therapist.

Find another one. Daring a maniac to be a maniac is not good advice. Telling a victim that she asked for it isn't either.
Find a real DV therapist.

I totally agree with Life on this. It was not your fault in any way, shape or form! So what if you made him mad! That does not give him the right to raise his hand at you. And never challange them or you'll get it worse, that is what I have learned. To stand up against them, try to fight back; I always got it twice as hard than if I was just passive. Find another counselor, a qualified therapist would never make these suggestions! If you need to talk please PM me. I understand that you felt different with him than with other men. He was special and you loved him very much. There are a lot of good men out there, real men that will not hurt you. You will find a special man, don't worry about that. Good luck to you and stay strong.

FYI.... some shared wisdom from the ladies of BOSH... Battered Offenders Self-Help group...

To determine if what just happened might be abusive....
Consider for a second what you'd do if a stranger had done it.

You're standing in your own kitchen and someone just tossed you into your refrigerator, (or in this case--just whacked you in the head and bound your legs)... If it had been a stranger, you'd not be too put out to call it an attack. You'd know what to call it. You'd know what just happened.

If some stranger just hopped up in your face and called you everything but a child of god, you'd know what just happened. You'd know that person had a screw loose. You'd know that right off.

Lady once told me her outlook on verbal abuse. She said, "If ever I grow a tail in the course of my life,...then I'd not be surprised to be talked to like a dog...' "I wish I'd looked for that tail sooner. I just guessed I always had one." Turns out,.. I don't."

I'm sorry I wrote it wrong i ment to write she told me it wasn't my fault i started to see her after the second time he did this. and when i told him to go ahead i was tired of him telling me it was my fault he gets like this or trying to bump heads with me or because he went to jail i know now it's not my fault and i know he has problems i can't fix them only he can. I don't want peaple to feel sorry for me because i got myself into this you see he did this to his first wife and he convinced me that she use to hit him and he got tired of it and hit her back so i talked to her and she told me the whole story and then some i beleived her because she told me what he was gonna tell me after he got out of jail that he was sorry and it won't happen again and other thing and he did thats why i beleived her she was scared of him, his wife and me stood very good friends.