Fighting for Your Marriage -- Part One


By Duane Careb

Read Part One
Read Part Two
Read Part Three
Read Part Four
This is the first of a four-part abbreviated series in which we will discover God's design for conflict resolution in marriage. In this first part we look at "Why" we argue. In Part 2 we'll discover the biblical "ground rules" for arguing. Part 3 we'll uncover biblical methods and tips to be used to resolve conflicts. Lastly, in Part 4 we'll list the next steps when coping with "stuckness" in conflicts. Challenges Most Couples Face During the First Three to Five Years of Marriage.

The title for this series are based on the book "Fighting For Your Marriage" (by Markman, Stanley & Blumberg, 1994) and used with permission of the authors.

Why We Argue
The Apostle Paul, who remained single his entire life, wrote in 1Cor 7:28, "..those who marry will face many troubles in life..". I think Paul was also talking about conflicts! This is not an indictment against marriage, but rather a statement of reality that all of us need to hear. Paul knew that two people — whom God uniquely designed with different personalities, preferences, needs, opinions and backgrounds— would have conflicts (i.e. arguments/disagreements) at one time or another in their marriage. It's a fact of life that no married couple can evade.

God did, indeed, design each of us to be uniquely different for the purpose of entering into intimate relationships with each other and to portray His image to the world Gen 1:26. Additionally, more differences stem from our expectations, family origins, experiences and ways in which we express our feelings.

Differences
God certainly designed Erika, my wife, to be uniquely different from me. She was raised in a refugee camp in Germany until the age of 11. Early in our marriage she used to cry, become frustrated and eventually shut down when she couldn't express her feelings easily. Erika is a structured and organized person whose primary "love language" is defined as acts-of-service. She believes in delayed gratification… work first.. then play!

I, on the other hand, was born and raised in Gary, Indiana amidst the constant influence of gangs and drugs. I have always been an "in-your-face" kind of guy completely in touch with my feelings. I am spontaneous, unstructured, highly relational and a bit of a procrastinator. My love language? Physical touch. We're certainly different. When I want to play … Erika wants to work!

Do you think our differences caused conflicts in our marriage? You can bet on it! It really didn't matter what the issues were in our conflicts, we just couldn't agree. It wasn't just the issues that caused our conflicts… it was our differences!


All of us have certain expectations of others as well as ourselves: like being understood and tolerated. Similarly, we all bring past "baggage" or experiences — good or bad — into our marriages. Things like family traditions, habits, pains, role models and experiences are just a few examples. How about feelings and emotions? Do you know how you or your spouse reacts when feeling angry, disappointed, insignificant, hurt or even hopeful and joyous? All of these differences cause us to react or behave differently during conflicts.

Do you know of people who escalate their conflicts because of the need to be in control? They try to "up the ante" or use a lot of negative responses while bantering back and forth. Others tend to invalidate their spouse's feelings or opinions by designing painful putdowns that lowers their partner's self-esteem. These invalidators often employ sarcasm in attempts to minimize everyone's feelings but their own.

All too commonly, however, people in conflict simply withdraw emotionally or even physically in order to avoid confrontation or accountability. The conflict becomes too intense, overwhelming or threatening and one or both may retreat because "it's just too much work" or "not worth it".

You see it's our differences and behavior patterns that really cause us to enter into and even escalate our conflicts. Of course, the issues themselves (sex, kids, work, finances, relationships, recreation, words, health etc.) merely emphasize those differences because of our opinions and/or feelings.

The Key
The key to conflict resolution is to first identify our differences by communicating openly with our spouse about our feelings, opinions, needs and behavior patterns. Obviously, the best time to accomplish this is during calm and less conflicted periods. Only then, by understanding and then accepting each other's unique differences, can we begin to work towards resolution during times of conflict or trouble. And remember that as Paul said, you "…. will face many troubles…". After we accept each other's differences we are challenged to keep abiding in Christ John 15 and engage the fruits of the Spirit in our marriages Gal 5:22

Jesus said in John 16:33 that ".. in this world you will have trouble … but take heart, I have overcome the world!" Well, take heart! With a Christ-centered marriage, you, your spouse and He will overcome conflict. Jesus promises that He will overcome conflicts with you.

So why do we argue? Because we have used our uniquely designed differences to satisfy our own needs rather than using them to build an intimate fulfilling relationship with our spouse, as God intended.



In Part 2, How Should We Argue?, we'll be looking at biblical guidelines and instructions to be used when Fighting For Your Marriage.


For additional guidance refer to "A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage" (by Stanley, Trathen, McCain & Bryan 1988). Read more from Dr. Scott Stanley at Fighting for Your Marriage.

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/article_16.php

Fighting for Your Marriage —Part Two

By Duane Careb

Read Part One
Read Part Two
Read Part Three
Read Part Four
This is the second of a four-part abbreviated series in which we will discover God's design for conflict resolution in marriage############. In this second part we look at "how" we should use biblical "ground rules" for arguing. In Part 3 we'll uncover biblical methods and tips to be used to resolve conflicts. Lastly, in Part 4 we'll list the next steps when coping with "stuckness" in conflicts.

The title for this series and the metaphor "ground rules" are based on the book "Fighting For Your Marriage" (by Markman, Stanley & Blumberg, 1994) and used with permission of the authors.

How We Should Argue
Is there really a correct way to argue? A way that will fulfill my desire to be understood and yet conduct myself in ways that will still honor God during conflict with my spouse? The Bible has many verses that model conflict resolution guidelines (or ground rules) for believers:

Ephesians 4:25-32

Verse 25 reflects speaking the truth —being honest about your feelings and positions while in the midst of a conflict or argument. You first need to identify your feelings before you can express them honestly. Feelings of anger, fear, jealousy, happiness or sadness may be easily identifiable while those of feeling unappreciated, violated, confused or regretful may be more difficult for us to identify and express. Work on being aware of what and how you are conversing during an argument. Keep it truthful, concise and honest!

Verse 26 & 27 reminds us to keep things under control. When you are out of control, Satan can quickly move in and get a foothold on your emotions. Keep short accounts of your arguments by trying to resolve them as quickly as possible. Above all, try not to bring up your mother-in-law's annoying habits while arguing about that decision your spouse made earlier today. Don't let the sun go down on your anger — even if you have to agree to continue discussing this issue tomorrow. Agree to disagree. That could become an important step towards developing a resolution.

Verse 29 says to speak only good words that will be of benefit to your partner. Let no unwholesome words come from your mouth, but only those that will lift up or edify your spouse. Seems pretty tough to do when your in the middle of an emotional "discussion", doesn't it? But God knew that good words would give grace and hope to both partners during a conflict. Ephesians 5:4, by the way, makes it very clear that the use of obscenity or stupid words is out of place for believers. Remember, God's divine intent is for us to use our differences to become even more intimate with our spouse.

Actually, Erika and I usually end up having a great "make up time" after a good argument! Remember that she's very structured (needs to reach resolution quickly and efficiently) while I'm highly relational (let's do the "make up time" first, then we can resolve later).

Verses 30~32 challenges us to get rid of bitterness, anger, rage, slander and malice. God's design for conflict isn't intended to tear each other down. Have you ever regretted something you've said in the heat of an argument? That's the rage and bitterness that got the best of you. God says that we need to replace those actions with kindness, compassion and forgiveness. He knows it's tough for us to control our tempers but remember … He designed us. He built in the ability for us to control ourselves at all times.

Here's a few more encouraging verses which we can use as guidelines for knowing how to argue:

Proverbs 15:1 says that a gentle answer turns away wrath. In other words, you can defuse a defense by being calm and gentle during your rebuttal. Certainly, don't start off the conversation in negative ways. Nothing is worse than a finger-pointing in-your-face bug-eyed mouth-frothing communicator who is attempting to win this round in the conflict. Imagine the kind of response that person will receive. Contrast that scenario with one in which both partners are firm in their respective positions yet gentle in their answers and expressions — very God-honoring and effective.

And lastly, James 1:19 and 20 — probably the most quoted verse regarding conflict management —be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. Listen more than you speak (Erika always says that we have two ears and only one mouth!). Process your thinking and/or opinion before you respond. Without intending to completely withdraw from or purposely avoid the conflict, negotiate a short time-out to process your thoughts before continuing your "discussions".

We love this observation made by Scott Stanley in his book " Four Hallmarks Of A Great Marriage": Women evaluate the relationship during the conflict while men evaluate the issues.

Think of that! Men, we must first establish that our love for our spouse is not affected by this argument. We need to demonstrate that she is safe with us even during an argument. And likewise, women, we need you to help establish a focus and assurance that the issue itself will be fully addressed as we work together towards resolution.

So How Should We Argue?
By recognizing that God fits into the conflict even while it's underway through scripture. His incredible and unique design of our differences even provided biblical guidelines for arguing! What an awesome and amazing God we serve. He knows you, your spouse, Erika and me. He even knows that our differences will cause conflict in our marriages at one time or another.

But over 2000 years ago, God used His son Jesus Christ to settle our differences and conflicts once and for all. Through Jesus' death on the cross there will be no conflicts in His kingdom in Heaven. No unwholesome words, no anger, no fighting, no wrath. Do you want to be in that place some day? Click Here to find out how.

In Part 3, How Should We Resolve Conflict? we'll look at some biblical as well as practical ways in which we can move towards conflict resolution. We'll even learn how to "dance" with our partner during a conflict!

Fighting for Your Marriage —Part Three

By Duane Careb

Read Part One
Read Part Two
Read Part Three
Read Part Four
This is a portion of an abbreviated series in which we are discovering God's design for conflict resolution in marriage. In this third part we look at how we should resolve conflicts using the biblical examples and guidelines already observed in parts one and two. This article will also offer some practical ways in which resolution may be achieved. Our final article —
Part 4 —will list suggested steps to follow when coping with "stuckness" in conflicts.

How We Should Resolve Conflict
We now know that we also argue because of our differences not just because of the issues (see "Why Do We Really Argue?"). We also know that there are biblical instructions for arguing in God-honoring ways (see "How Should We Argue?").

Four practical tips for conflict resolution:

First, get to a place where you can accept your partner's position in a conflict. Be open-minded as well as open hearted by "hearing out" their argument or reasoning. Just listen and allow them to fully express their feelings and/or concerns. Summarize what you have just heard them say. This gives the assurance that you have absorbed and respect their right to have their opinion.

Second, acknowledge or confess any blocks that may be hindering your movement towards resolution; pride, desire for control, selfishness, insecurity, etc. If you can openly admit to any block during a conflict, your heart —and quite possibly your partner's— will be softened, therefore allowing the Holy Spirit to enter into the resolution process with you.

Third, seek forgiveness for your part in the conflict. This is a tough one! In the midst of this heavy conflict I'm supposed to stop and ask for forgiveness ... Just like that?

Remember my wife, Erika? When we argue, her level-headed structured thinking comes out at it's best! I'm so impulsive and quick to react that I sometimes need to apologize and seek forgiveness for how I respond out of frustration and insecurity. My admission and her forgiveness re-assures both of us that we are arguing about an issue and not attacking each other's character (we still love each other —we're just arguing!). That's an extremely important distinction during conflict resolution.

Lastly, show your willingness to reach a compromise. In order to do this you will need to prepare your heart through prayer. Examples may be like, "Lord, soften my (our) heart now and reveal a solution that will fulfill both of our desires" or " Join us again, Lord, in our oneness and our commitment to resolve our conflict".

Try this exercise: take some time to discuss and write a simple prayer together when you are not in conflict. Don't make it long — the shorter the better. Then the next time you are in the midst of a seemingly unsolvable argument, either of you (or both) may be able to pause and read the agreed-upon prayer aloud. It has an awesome effect on conflict resolution!

"Dance" With Your Partner!
We recently listened to Ken Gire, author of Divine Embrace, as he illustrated God leading us in a grace-filled waltz depicting intimacy, union and unconditional love. Just imagine dancing with your partner during a conflict. I’m not talking about the physical dance here (Erika and I love to waltz!), but the emotional dance.

The “dance” involves several steps or moves:


1) Speaking their primary Love Language —acts of service, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time and physical touch — which Gary Chapman refers to in his book The Five Love Languages,

2) making deposits —not withdrawals — in your partner’s “love bank”,

3) developing a good “dialog” with you partner (don’t talk above or beneath them) and

4) giving your partner the assurance that “all is well” —a phrase that Erika and I use to indicate that “ there is peace in my heart and we are secure again”.



Can you imagine that kind of “dance” with your partner? You can build intimacy and union with your partner (even during an argument) through all these concepts emulated by Jesus — loving, embracing, forgiving, and edifying with assurance. Talk about “dancing”! That’s really putting Christ in the center of your conflict.

The Traffic-Light Decision Making Tool
Making decisions is a natural part of any conflict resolution. You've heard it said before, " We'll either agree or agree to disagree!" Either way a decision has to be reached. Erika and I were first introduced to the traffic-light concept by our seminar co-instructors, Ann and Tim Evans, who now serve at Lakeland Community Church in Holland, Michigan. We've been using their method of decision-making for many years.

Imagine a traffic light (red/yellow/green light) hanging in front of any decision you are about to make. The premise is simple; both red means "no!" —both green means "yes!" — if either partner is yellow … "not now!"

It is very crucial to avoid using manipulation by holding out or deliberately preventing movement towards resolution. Trust issues and resentment may arise therefore escalating the conflict or delaying resolution

So during an argument —for example, when a resolution has been proposed —we use this method to reach a compromise if not a complete decision. The traffic-light tool can give a clear indication of where each partner is in the resolution process.

So how should we resolve conflicts? By applying the biblical concepts and guidelines Jesus Himself used in loving and nurturing us: understanding where we are in our relationship with Him, offering us unconditional love in confessing our sins and seeking His forgiveness, softening our hearts with peace and finally providing a pathway for making a "green light" decision to accept Him as Lord. If you would like to learn more about developing that relationship with God see our Spiritual Resource page.

In our 4th and final installment —Coping with Stuckness! —We'll look at what steps can be taken to move off perpetual conflicts when there just doesn't seem to be any resolution. We'll discuss the serious signs of being stuck and whom you can turn to for help.

Fighting for Your Marriage —Part Four

By Duane Careb

Read Part One
Read Part Two
Read Part Three
Read Part Four
This is a portion of an abbreviated series in which we are discovering God's design for conflict resolution in marriage. In this fourth and final installment, we look at what to do when all attempts to reach a resolution have been exhausted and hope seems absent. "Not so", says our guidebook —the Bible. If fact, God's Word lists three significant options for getting help when resolution seems impossible.

Two types of problems or conflicts
OK, so you've tried all the stuff we've learned about in the first three articles of Fighting For Your Marriage (starting here), but you and your spouse still can't agree on a resolution that will end the conflict. You've tried dancing with your partner, mimicking the speaker-listener technique and even got pretty close to accepting each other's position. But, if fact, the same argument seems to repeat itself over and over again. Admit it —you're Stuck!!

John Gottman —a renowned researcher of marriage and parenting studies —indicates that marital problems are classified as two types —perpetual and solvable.

Perpetual types are simply defined as on-going issues that could involve (among other things) character or personality traits as well as philosophical differences. Statements of frustration may include: "We've gone over this time after time" or " That's just the way it's going to be, neither of us will budge!" They are continual non-solvable disagreements that represent 69% of all conflicts in our married life!

Solvable types, while recognized as difficult, are really minor annoyances that can be overcome with a little work. Statements may sound like, " Gosh, Sweetie, we sure solved that argument easily" or " Thanks for meeting me half way on that one. All is well!" Solvable types represent the remaining 31% of the conflicts residing in our marriages.

By the way, remember our conflict regarding Erika's structured belief that we should always work first then "play" vs. my correct opinion that we should play first then work (if we have time)? Is that a perpetual or solvable conflict?

Tough call. Consider, however, that conflicts appearing to be perpetual to some of us may be solvable to others.

Coping with "stuckness"
If you recognize some of the following serious signs of being stuck … get outside help!


• The same conflict arises repeatedly without resolve.
• Either partner remains firm and is unwilling to move towards resolution.
• If there is continual criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.



Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, calls these behaviors " The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" and says they are very destructive and predictive of failure in marriage. Their progression is called a "downward spiral" pattern —leading from unacceptable behavior to the worst scenario. He says they " … create a cycle of negativity that becomes increasingly destructive. The key is to recognize them for what they are and refuse to succumb to their temptation".

If you are stuck and need outside help, consider these biblical guidelines:

Join a small group —Galations 6:2 says that we should share our burdens with one another. They know you well enough to admit their similar situations. This level of accountability can offer encouragement, sound advice and suggestions that may lead to a resolution.

Select a willing married couple to serve as your mentors and be a part of your marriage "board of directors". Proverbs 27:17 illustrates how a higher level of accountability can hone us like iron sharpens iron —well tuned and straight. Our mentors, Larry & Joy, have been with us right from the start of our marriage. We turn to them —even though they live out of town —when we're stuck and need a reality check each time we fail at our attempts to find resolution. The calls can get expensive but well worth it!

And finally, consider seeking professional Christian counseling. Proverbs 19:20, among others, encourages us to listen to instruction in order that we will become wise. They have the expertise and experience of interviewing hundreds of other "stuck" couples as well as the discernment to apply relevant scripture to our situations. There should not be any shame in seeking this level of help. There are so many benefits to be gained from these teachings. It's not uncommon to revisit our counselor from time to time for the purpose of fine-tuning our skills.

Simply, don't give up
If you are at an impasse in your attempts to resolve the conflict, remember that in John 16:33 Jesus said, "In this world you will have troubles... but take heart, I have come to overcome the world". What an encouraging quote from our Savior who totally understands our differences. Those who have committed to a Christ-centered marriage can return to the core trust of that promise which can serve as the foundation of conflict resolution —that our troubles (or arguments) can be overcome. Ultimately, come back to His word —the Bible — for guidance and clear instruction regarding conflict resolution.

Agree to disagree, understand and accept your partner's differences —even if you don't hold their position regarding the conflict issue.

Try to establish an initial compromise by relieving the immediate pain. Set aside any blocks which may hinder your movement toward resolution. You make the initial move towards reaching a compromise. That action alone will demonstrate your willingness to follow Christ's leading.

Lastly, continue to work toward complete resolution. Keep moving forward and growing in your intimacy through the unique differences God designed specifically for you.

Diane Sollee, Director, Smart Marriages, says, " This isn't war, it's not about building an obstacle course or using camouflage —it's marriage. The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same".

Conflict resolution.. it's more about our differences than it is about the issues. Uniquely designed differences which God intended us to use as we develop intimacy in our marriages. Uniquely designed differences that reflect His image and sovereignty.

I love resolving conflict with Erika. We have so much fun making up using the other unique differences God designed for our intimacy!

If you want to know learn more about how you can have a Christ-centered marriage, see this page.


Duane is on staff with Growthtrac and is a regular contributor to our featured article library. He and his wife Erika are voluntary marriage mentors for pre-married couples within their church. They also serve Growthtrac as seminar leaders and teachers of various Bible-based marriage topics custom written upon request. They have five married daughters and seven grandchildren!