For the past 2 years my friend has been in prison (non drug related charge) and all along I have suspected that he was using the money I had been sending him to buy drugs. (I quit sending money 4 months ago because the evidence was becoming overwhelming.) Of course he just adamantly denies it over and over - and makes up all kinds of stories to justify everything - but today I found proof in the strangest form. I was going through a box of his things that he had me pick up from jail for him to store when he went to prison - books, letters, etc. Well, long story short last night I was missing him and started reading all the old letters back and forth and inside one of the envelopes was 2 fake capsules containing meth. My brother-in-law is an officer, and I had him test it this morning.

I am so upset, but not completely surprised - it just confirmed what I already believed was true. I knew in my heart he had been lying all along. A year ago In prison he refused to take a UA (gee, I wonder why) and just over a year go he rec'd a major violation for meth in his cell (but it wasn't MINE he says - "I swear!") Of course then I think of the 2 occassions where he wanted me to mail $100 and $200 to people outside of prison - for a great deal on "store" (I had a gut feeling it was for drugs and never sent it...) Like I said, way too many coincidences. How long did he think I would keep believing him?

I have known him for 15 years and he had a past history of drug use in his teens but I thought that it was all behind him. The part that hurts the worse? I can't even tell you how many times he has looked me straight in the eye at visitation and swore on the bible that he is not doing drugs. In fact he would get mad at me for not believing in him and say things like "Well you are just going to believe what you want to believe".

Oh, and another thing -3 months ago I also talked to a former celly of his and he told me that my friend had a drug problem and that most of the money I had been sending him in jail was being spent on drugs. Now I have the proof in my hand (literally). (That time my friend said the guy told me that just to try and make him look bad.) Like I said, always a story!

I feel sick to my stomach. Not only is he a drug user, he is a pathological liar. How can he lie to me!! His friend! The one who has stood by his side through thick and thin! I guess to get more money to feed his addiction? But he is my friend! Friends need to be honest! He knew how much this meant to me. I always told him over and over, that if I ever found out he was using drugs or that any of my hard earned money was being spent on drugs - that I would cut of all funding and help. He always reassured me he wasn't. Sigh....We have gone round and round on this subject for two years. I don't know if I should end our friendship or not or try to ride out these remaining 4 years. But for what! To support a drug addict who will never change? To continue supporting someone who has such total disregard for my feelings? Who totally disregards our friendship? Who is a liar? I feel so used and betrayed by someone I love. (He is not my boyfriend, just a male friend.)

Thank you for listening. Any feedback or opinions, or insight from someone who knows how the mind of a drug user works would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for letting me vent. I don't usually share personal information on here, but I sure could use some advice.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I am not a drug user however, I have been exposed to people who have had drug problems, in my own family there are in fact.

For you to find the evidence and have it in your own hand, no one can deny anything. Unless of course he tries to say someone must have put it there.

For him to refuse a drug test, you know there had to be a reason. People who are clean usually do not fear drug tests.

No one likes to be lied to and it does hurt really bad. It takes a long time to recover from the lies.

I personally think Drug Users are just so caught up in the addiction, they will do or say almost anything to feed the addiction.

I am sorry he hurt you so badly with this.

There are support groups here on the outside that you can choose to go to in order to understand what is going on with him and to help him if indeed you decide the relationship is one you want to try and salvage.

You can find out where they are in your area by calling the Mental Health Association.

I went to one for a close family member who had and still unfortunately has a drug problem and I learned how not to be an enabler. I seemed to make it possible for her to feed her addiction by giving her money and access to drugs.

I learned alot from the group and with everyone who told their story, I could relate. They always have a good sounding excuse why they need money.

Take good care of yourself and do what you feel you need to do in order to move passed this.

There is always hope, so positive thoughts going out your way for the best possible outcome for you.

All my best.

I cant tell you how a drug users mind works, wish I could. J was using and denied denied denied--it ended him up in prison and runined our family! I work in detox/substance abuse/mental health so I see it every day. I hear your story every day.

What can be done? I would confront him face to face and present all of your evidence ( I wouldnt do it in a letter, he may get into trouble if the CO's read). And go from there. You have to decided what to do, whats best for you.

Take care. I would consider cutting his money supply off.

ONE

Just some things for you to consider:

It may have been that your friend was not using drugs prior to going to prison, but once in prison its all different.

From what you have told us it does appear that the money is being used for drugs, soon as he asks to send money to people on the outside for him it is almost certain it is to pay for drugs debts.

I would not defend him normally but what you need to consider is that when you go to prison one is pressured to join a group and this decision must be made to survive inside. If he cannot defend himself adequately he will need the help of others being of course the group members. As a group member he would have to prove himself and a lot of newbie's are asked to get drugs sent in , or are threatened with violence if they don't, he would have to start using drugs to maintain his position within the group and don't forget we are talking about survival here.

You say he has not respected you , but from what I can gather he has not asked you to try and bring in drugs even when I suspect he has been threatened to do so. I will not debate the drug issue to me drugs are the worst but If I were you I would do some more digging in relation to his drug use and see what is happening behind the scenes first before you make any decision.

I would not send him anymore monies and as one of the other people stated I would confront him about it, once exposed ask for some straight answers.

I guess the only point I really want to make is , if he had not gone to prison would he be on drugs now, taking into account his current environment and the need to survive, in a place where you cannot escape the drugs by walking away. Yes he may now be on drugs, but can we direct all the blame to him alone!!, If your vunerable a prison is not a place of choices.

Thank you to all of you for your insight and thoughts. It means so much to me that you took the time to read this long thread I posted and to respond. You all brought up some very good and valid points. All afternoon I have just been laying on the sofa thinking and thinking. I did quit sending him money back in January for this reason, and oh no, he has never asked me to do anything illegal like bringing some in. He knows I am very anti-drug.

In answer to your question as to whether he would be doing drugs on the outside? Probably not. He was clean for 5 years before he went in. I try to tell myself about the pressures of prison, and since is a former drug addict, I wonder if he didn't fall back into that - both as a means of survival, or a way to deal with the daily stress - and as a weakness. He is not a strong person, both emotionally and physically. Heis very easily maniuplated. Truthfully, 8 months ago I had him put into protective custody because he was constantly being threatened and was beaten up once. I wish I could visit him in person, but I can't right now.

Monday I am going to contact a local organization for people who have loved ones using drugs - as suggested so I can try to understand this more. I live in a big city, so I'm sure there are support groups around. That was a great idea.

I think the part that is hardest for me to deal with is all the stories and lies he has told me. That I just do not understand. I have told him many, many times that if he has a drug habit again to just tell me and I would fight tooth and nail to get him the help he needs, but he just adamantly denies he is using.

Keep the advice coming everyone, I really value what you have to say.

To: Caring4U
I am so sorry for the hurt your friend has caused you, I myself knows the pain of finding out someone you love dearly is an addict and has lied over and over and over again about it! My boyfriend is now incarcerated because he got his probation revoked when his probation officer found out he had been arrested for possesion of cocaine and Mark never told him. Marks addiction to cocaine has done more than land him in jail, in March of 2004 he had to have brain surgery b/c of a cyst that was behind his eyes causing #1 siezures, blurred vision and violent headaches. His addiction was on the verge of killing him and i had no clue! To this day the topic of his addiction is painful to talk about, but remember this an addict #1 doesnt , cant and wont change unless its for themselves #2 usually dosent get into drugs for "no reason" there is some under lying problem causing them to turn to drugs to numb reality. For Mark he has always felt not good enough, then in October 2002 his wife of only 4 mo. told him she wanted a divorce, I have known him for ever and we were great friends before i became his g/f. Anyway enough about him. Like i said your friend wont change unless its on his terms all you can do is be there for him let him know how much you care for him but dont help him in doing it, give him all the moral, emotional, spiritual support you can but DONT support him monitarilly beacuse them you become part of his addiction! (TRUST ME I LEARNED THAT THE HARD WAY)
If you need to talk im here...Brittaney....

When it comes to addiction, the drug becomes the addict's #1 friend. It becomes more important that anything, or anyone. An addict is willing to put everything at risk, including their life, just for their drug. So, don't think for one second your friend wouldn't lie to you. Confronting him may make him defensive--do you really expect him to admit he has a drug problem? Just tell him that you know he's having problems, and when he's ready for your help, you will support him.

I want you to know that you can be proud of yourself for keeping an open mind and not denying reality while at the same time seeking the truth.

Addicts lie. We have a saying, if their mouth is moving they are lieing. Look at the AA Big Book. Denial of reality is the number 1 block to their beginning recovery and maintaining recovery. Sad to say, they go on to admit that the only people incapable of recovery are those who are incapable of self-honesty.

Drugs are an anesthetic ... a symptom of the disease. A red flag of the pain he is in. They are a very self-destructive coping method for the pain. Only when he gets honest about that pain and finds another way to recover from it can he live without drugs.

Congratulations on cutting off the funds for his disease. That is one step towards allowing him the dignity of reaching his own bottom.

I guess I'm the skunk here, but I'd think really hard about giving any more of anything. You've tried support, and that hasn't worked. You've offered understandiing, that hasn't worked. Tough love is the only other weapon you have, in this situation. Lay it out to him - no more money, no visits, no phone, if he doesn't ask for help, whether from a counsellor, a religious person, or the prison. He needs a program, he needs to want the program, and if he doesn't, nothing you do will help, and you will always be his shill, his enabler.

Thank you again to all of you. I love the honest opinions and welcome all sides. It gives me so much to think about. Gosh, yes, I guess when I confront him I expect him to say "Yes I am doing drugs and I need help!" I think I must live in a fantasy world. And yes, he becomes very defensive when I mention it - I learned a long time ago that is a no win situation.

Nimuay, what you suggest is the actual direction I am leaning towards. I understand that the bottom line is you just can't help someone who just doesn't want to be helped. I can continue to be here for him if he ever decides he wants help - and I can continue to support him emotionally, but other than that there is not much else I can do. I cut off the money, I didn't renew his 2 magazine subscriptions, I quit sending him things, (I wanted to make it harder for him to even trade for drugs.) I've talked to his counselor, his reclass officer....I think I have done what I can. I'm tired. This has been such a long day and I have a lot to sort out in my mind. Thank you again.

That is very sad and I can just imagine how deceived you feel. My heart goes out to you big time. Well one thing I can tell you for sure, is that the best liars in the world are addicts, I've been one and I'm married to one. Your friend probably would never lie to you by the sounds of things, but the addiction will. For the addiction to survive in your friend; it will use and lie to whoever to get the drugs. Hopefully someday he will get the help he needs though prison or jail is not usually a place that provides that help. Im glad that you stopped sending him money though, that is the right thing to do otherwise you are enabling the disease. I hope that someday that he will be able to heal from his addiction and make peace with those he has hurt, including you. There are probably a few that he has hurt. Be strong and don't listen to the lies.
' trust your instincts because they never tell lies '

Hugs,

Witchlinblue

Again I wish you the best...and just remember that you CANT help someone who dont want your help!!! Keep us updated on your healing process with him!!! Brittaney

Caring...I was a drug addict...and I KNOW from the very bottom of my heart...that I would lie, ALL the time!!! I could lie to ANYONE...looking straight in their eyes...and it didn't bother me. The only thing that bothered me was getting what I needed...and that was getting high. I lied to everyone that would listen...it didn't matter if I loved them or not! Your friend seems to be an addict...and he is scared. He doesn't want you to know...b/c he doesn't want you to stop feeding his addiction...and in the bottom of his heart, he doesn't want to let you down.
When you are an addict...you want to get high...plain and simple. But in the very bottom of your heart...you feel REALLY bad...but you don't know how to stop the cycle. You said he messed with drugs when he was younger...well, there's a saying "once an addict, always an addict". That doesn't mean that he can't change...but when he gets back into it...he will still have the addict mentalities. He has to want it....and truely want it...to change!!!
As for what I think you should do...I personally feel you should NOT send him any money...b/c if you do so, you are just feeding his addiction. Do I think you should just cut all ties with him? NO...b/c even when the "addict" doesn't see it at the moment...we need all the POSITIVE support we can get!! I think you should just tell him what you know...just to give yourself piece of mind...and don't feed into the lies (if you are POSITIVE that he is using). And offer your support...but not financially...to him. That way when HE decides that he is sick and tired of being sick and tired...you are there!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SOO sorry you are going threw this...I truely am! B/C from being on both sides of this (I have many friends that I know are addicts...and I don't know how to help)...that this is such a HARD place to be in! Keep your head up sweetie!!! Hugs:p
-Jackie

Unfortunately meth is a drug that depletes someone of all moral reasoning. I tried everything with my son's father, including guilt, shame and manipulation but nothing ever got through to him until he sobered up in county. Right now he is in boot camp and I don't think he would do anything to make his sentence any longer than it has to be, but my worst fear is that he will have to spend some time in a facility where drugs are accessible. I have no trust in him, but I want to make our relationship work. I know that if I found out he was using in there I would report the problem to an authority to investigate, otherwise it would continue to be an ongoing problem and he'd never get help for his addiction. I know this is extreme, but :( tough love is required in some situations.

is there a possibility he is not using a maybe being threatened to move the drugs in the prison. you did say he was beaten up. why was he beaten up. if he is an addict don't give up hope on him and I agree with what everyone said on here if he is an addict. maybe he cannot tell youi the truth because he can be put in danger so he'd rather you believe he is an addict. good luck and i hope it works out.