I seem to be in a rage mode most of the time. Angry at my ex, angry at Jason and most of all angry at myself. I am having a hard time dealing with all the rage and anger. Just absolute years of being treated like s**t and it is all coming to a head. I talked to a friend who is having marital problems, and she said she doesn't know how I have survived 20 years without any love or affection, she is so depressed after only 6 months. I am so angry about feeling like my life is over and I never lived. I am angry my kids have never had a life. :angry:

Then that sorry s.o.b. showed up here the other night with one of his drug friends and they were here to either rob the house, rob the cabin, or steal my meds. Now I feel threatened and unsafe. My landlord is having a fit. I know what these people are capable of if they need a fix or something. I am really mad. He doesn't want me to catch him here. I will defend me and my kids to my last breath. There are five rifles aimed this way that can see all around my house. And these guys don't ask for ID. My landlord called people and have them coming down here to watch the property. I told his mom he is going to get shot he comes near this property again. :angry:

I am angry at the heroin. I am angry at his weakness. His mom has told me time and time again about the effects of heroin and how people act. But I can't forgive what he said to me. I try and try and ask God to help me, but I hurt so friggen bad. She tells me he loves me. He told her and his brother and sister that. I don't want to know that. It is easier for me to hate him for hurting me so bad. I want to believe that someone loved me, but to be treated like that isn't love. I don't know anything about heroin. I can't believe the effect it has. I have always walked away. I never did heroin so I don't know. I am so confused and I am barely hanging on. I just about had a nervous breakdown the other day. Garrett got me inside on the couch, got my meds and kept checking up on me. I couldn't feel anything from my waist down. My son said to me, "He's killing you mom"!

I am so angry I even have to live like this. I moved out of the city to get away from this crap and he is bringing it into my home and life again. :angry:

((luna))

Have you considered talking to a professional about this? They can sometimes help out alot. It helps to have a person looking in on the situation who don't know give you some adivce. If no good advice, maybe he can give you something that I will help you with your anger. Anger is not a good thing to hold onto. It will eventually eat away your heart.

Heroin is a nasty drug, and it will turn the nicest sweetest man into the coldest distance thing ever. When my EX was arrested, he barely remembered the crime. Mostly, because he was using H at the time. Its not a pretty thing... I do not wish a drug addiction on my worst enemy.

You have to regain control of your life. I know its alot easier said than done, but you ARE a strong woman! If you aren't going to do it for yourself, do it for your children! They need you, to be YOU.

I am so sorry that you hurt. Dealing with a break-up, and on top of that a drug addiction is heart-breaking. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs
Heather

I've been in counceling since before I even met Jason, to deal with what Jim did to us. I take Cymbalta, Klonipin and Xanax, besides other meds I take for various things. I see a psychiatrist for my meds and he talks to me, and I have an excellent doctor that listens.

This whole s**t with him showing up here blew my mind. His usual is to never go back. His mother had me convinced he wouldn't come back here because he would be to afraid of the PO's watching the place. Well, he came back! His mother said he has gone to blank blank far now(She absolutely loves me and my kids and he is putting us in danger). She is on the warpath and looking for him. And this woman has absolutely no fear. She has walked into the absolutely sh**iest parts of the city and drug his a** home for the last 25 years. She will bust down doors and kick a**. She doesn't care. That's her kid and she is going to get him. He doesn't argue with her!

I have to many problems going way back, that is all coming to a head with this counceling, with everything I am dealing with. I just finally blew a fuse and all this mess with Jason was like a catalyst that set everything in motion. I'm trying to ride it, but I am having a bad time.

I wish I had been out there with a ball bat. It's all I can do now not to hunt him down. He saw me take the wood maul to my bedroom and he put his shoes on and ran down the road. He knows if I find him he will be sorry. I can't believe he had the cajones to come here after that.

I haven't yet got to the anger phase I wish I would to be honest it may feel better then just sad/missing him/depressed.Every once in a while I do get angry at him for doing this to me but mainly it is still just hurt and disbelief of the way things turned out!