tebkrg
03-23-2003, 10:53 AM
I am going to share a few thoughts to highlight some of the issues that we – as gay men - face outside the walls. Some of this is a condensed version of my own personal experience and perspective. The inside perspective will follow soon. I have decided to share the few paragraphs below before moving into the discussion of the challenges a gay couple face dealing with the prison system so that you can better understand the inherent challenges that we face daily – with or without the prison system.
Not to start too far back, but as a gay man, I have encountered a great deal of adversity, prejudice, and hate through my years. I don’t consider myself an overtly gay stereotypical figure to the point that I should have been targeted with prejudice, but it has happened. As a gay man you are a minority that is judged and discriminated against. I personally, at this time in my life don’t care who knows, except when it will have a negative effect on my future, success and/or happiness. At this point in my life I don’t choose to look for conflict but rather attempt to live a quiet life with someone that I love. As a gay man I have been passed over for promotions at work that I was more than qualified for – only because ‘the boss’ doesn’t want a gay man in the role. Some men and women alike, will all of a sudden act differently in your presence once they find out for certain that you are gay. People are on a ‘need to know’ quest for this information always. I just don’t understand sometimes why we are the talk around the water cooler – who cares anyway? I sure don’t care who you choose to love. I have been attacked on the streets by ‘bashers’ and have had more than my share of insults and derogatory words hurled in my direction. I know what it is like to be discriminated against, silently and overtly. I don’t care who you are or how strong you claim to be – discrimination hurts.
Most of us build walls and grow a thick skin. I am not an activist but I am sure glad that there are gay activists out there that have taken on the cause. My life is certainly better for it. The world is changing and becoming more and more accepting – but still the hate exists. Why? That is too deep of a question, but some of the worst offenders offering up ‘hate’ need to assess what is worse – my lifestyle choice or their open ignorance and hate?
There is that word… “Choice”. We call being gay a lifestyle choice. Is it a choice? No. I was born this way. No one would choose to go through the pain that I have been through in my life if it was a simple ‘choice’ to change. No study will ever convince me that I have - or had - a choice in this matter. No study will ever convince me that I was ‘recruited’ or ‘impressioned’ at a young age. From my earliest memories, I was different. And the worst part of this was, I was always under the impression that my feelings were wrong - although my parents and immediate social surroundings never taught me this. My feelings had to be hidden. I had to hide. Where did these feelings come from? Well, the fact that I did not have a role model to justify my feelings was one source of my grief. Everything around me was different from my own thoughts and feelings. Nothing equated to the way that I felt. Grow up, fall in love (with a woman), have children and live the dream! None of this made sense to me. None of it. All around me was a life and a world which was just not the way that I felt. I did not understand my feelings growing up but I knew that I was different. God made me this way, not a person, not an influence that I should not have been exposed to, not a movie or a book. God.
Today, I would not change anything in my past, present or future. I would not for anything now change my lifestyle ‘choice’ even if it was possible. Everything that has happened to me in the past, every bit of prejudice, every challenge I have ever faced has played a role and shaped me to who I am today. I am better and stronger for it all. You cannot hurt the core of who I am – you can only hurt the surface. I am proud of who I am from the deepest part of my being, and that part of me has nothing to do with my sexuality and lifestyle choice. I am happy with me to the depths of my being.
This introduction and personal perspective is not meant to look for pity, although I will admit that I hope for the possibility of empathy, compassion and understanding.
As gay, lesbian and bisexual people we are already down trodden and now we enter the prison system…
Prison life is hard, cold, unfeeling and it strips the human element from the very being of the person. You are a number and you are a commodity that is counted as a number. You are not a socially acceptable segment of society on the outside, but now we have hierarchy of class, role, and minority inside the walls too. The very people that are not accepted outside the walls are continuing the discrimination inside the walls. Ironic? Perhaps.
The gay man entering prison is probably not wise to expose his homosexuality. He will be targeted and preyed upon. Most gay men will do what is necessary to hide their sexuality to save themselves the shame and pain of their lifestyle and what they are up against if it is exposed. The system has already stripped away all humility from these men, but now the very essence of this person – the only thing that is left must be hidden.
Prisoners will and do share with each other about their families, friends and loved ones. These men – if they have a Partner outside – cannot. They must sit in silence. There love cannot exist in an open forum. They must hide their relationships, and not share or speak of their hopes and dreams. If they do share it is always generic, always uncommitted. A straight man will have an ear for another straight man, but often is not the case for the gay man. He now is silent, hidden, rotting even more inside than the others.
If he is lucky, he will be able to be ‘out’ with his friends inside. If this happens it is a good thing. There are many men in prison that are not threatened by homosexuality and can accept a gay man as a friend. There are many however that cannot. Some if they are flamboyantly gay may become ‘punks’ by choice or by force. This is the lowest of the low and in many cases equates to a form of slavery – sexual slavery. Some gay men will submit to this treatment in an attempt to save themselves from worse fears. What could be worse than giving yourself against your will just so that you are not brutalized even more?
For the gay man that is ‘out’ in prison, life is not always bad. Don’t get me wrong, because it is not all bad behind the walls. Many gay men suffer openly or in silence, but there are others that have achieved an acceptance and can live a fairly decent existence in light of. My Partner is one of these men that is out and is accepted – for the most part. Not however without a cost. He has, will, and does stand up for himself and has spent many lonely days and nights in the hole because he stood up for his choice of lifestyle. He will fight, and he will defend himself and he has not, and never will play any game or submit to another’s hate. We are lucky, he has been down for a while and he is a well-seasoned Prisoner. He knows how to play the politics of system – both the Prisoner’s system and the admin system. My Partner has friends that are more than just supportive – in fact some of them have written me and regularly ask after me. These men are not gay, nor are they anything but caring human beings that see the bigger picture. We are not a threat. In fact they tease him with a familiar kindness that they do with the straight guys around their wives and girlfriends. But don’t misunderstand me here because this does not mean that he still does not have to watch over his shoulder. He is constantly under threat because he is gay. These ‘friends’ are not the majority.
Visitation is stressful, much more stressful than it needs to be. Why? We cannot be who we are without the threat of retaliation from both other Prisoners and/or the administration.
What is a visit to me? It is about spending 6 hours sitting beside the man that I love. It is about me being me, him being him, and together being ‘us’. This time together has nothing to do with sex (although I would be lying if I told you that it does not enter my mind every 10 seconds during the visit – after all I am human), but it does have everything to do with love. The love that I have for this man is very real and very true. It is as strong, as beautiful, and as justified as any love that someone reading this has for their Partner. There is no question for those that choose to watch us in the visiting room that we are more than just a brother or a friend relationship. We interact as a loving couple from the way that we look at each other, talk to each other and move together. We are in love – truly, madly, deeply. I could not hide this if I tried. It is who and what we are together. I don’t want to hide it – I won’t hide it. But, I assure you that we down play it as much as possible. We are forced to be respectful as some people may take offence to our love, and so we are forced to appear less than we should to each other.
Imagine as a woman going to see your husband or boyfriend, or as a man going to see your wife or girlfriend… Imagine that you are allowed the same time for visits but you are not allowed to show that you are in love. Imagine that you could not hug and kiss your Partner entering and exiting the visiting room. Everyone else is - but you cannot. Imagine that you have to sit and talk and share but never touch, never hold hands, never walk with your arm around your Partner. Everyone else is – but you cannot. You must be careful what you say so that you are not overheard. You have to be careful how you look at each other so that you are not found out. Your love is not welcome. Your love is not accepted. You enter for a visit and shake hands or maybe share a hug like two brothers would – a quick embrace with a pat on the back and then quickly back away. You leave the visit the same way, never able to take the warmth of that hug with you on your journey. Your Partner returns to his cell feeling emptier and more alone than before your visit, because the love that is shared between us does not, and can not exist behind the walls. Most reading this will appreciate how important the hug and kiss is. Imagine if you could not have that. How would you feel?
Because my Partner is how he is, and because he is very determined for us to have all that we can have that is equal, we do push the limit. To this point I consider us to be very, very lucky. The question is will this luck hold out?
Our very first visit was a horror all its own. I was terrified of the outcome and was cautious with any outward expression that would ‘give us away’. Over that first weekend my Partner encouraged me to let down my guard and it did come down but not without stress resulting. I felt all eyes on me and I felt exposed. We have hugged from the first visit, but we do also kiss on entry and exit of the visit. We do sit side by side and will have contact within acceptable limits that complies with the visiting room rules. We do however hold back. We do not hold hands openly and walk around the room arm in arm like the other couples. We do spend our time almost completely sitting very close side by side. What we have is more than acceptable to us. All we ask is to continue with what we have. Many gay couples do not even have this much.
There are actually two other gay couples that visit at the same prison that I know of. One couple has been together for 15+ years and they visit twice monthly. The one has been incarcerated for most of that time. They do not hug or kiss or even shake hands because they are too afraid to do so. They greet each other verbally only – both entering and exiting the visiting room. Even with my Partner and I there and paving the way, it is not enough for them to get over their personal fear.
I know of other gay couples involved in the prison system that are either too afraid to show their love, or have been directly forbidden or restricted from doing so. There are lawsuits going on both in the United States as well as other countries now that are challenging the right for gay couples to kiss and / or hug in the visiting room. In the state of Arizona the right for a gay couple to even hug has been challenged. Hugs were reserved for legal spouses and family members only. Currently the right to hug has been returned in AZ but not the right to kiss. Gay men whether cohabitating in a loving relationship prior to incarceration or not, do not count - we are not family, and we are not legal spouses. We do not have the same rights as heterosexual couples and in my mind that only makes our punishment harsher.
Prison administrations will tell us that the rules are there to protect the Prisoner? I am not suggesting that there are not risks involved with openly displaying affection to a same sex Partner in a prison environment, but whether to openly display affection should be our decision not the administration’s decision. I am fully aware of the risks and sometimes feel that we are on borrowed time - borrowed time until there is a ‘retaliation’ that has an impact, or until the state or the prison changes the rules to ‘protect us’ from ourselves. This will ultimately not protect us but hurt us.
Being gay in prison is just as hard of a life as for any other man or woman that is locked up. The difference is that many of these individuals suffer in silence and never come forward for fear of reprisal. The suffering is deep and the cold reality is the emptiness that is forced upon them not being able to openly love.
Being gay is not about having sex with men. It is about men feeling and expressing love towards men instead of women. Love does not always equate with sex, however sex may be an expression of that love. ‘Making Love’ is a better term. Our wants and needs are no different than any heterosexual couple. We want and need intimacy and affection. We want and need to be loved and give love. We are only asking to have equal rights to feel and express what feels natural to us. We just want to be…
Please help to raise the awareness, and stop the condemnation of GLBT people in prison.
Not to start too far back, but as a gay man, I have encountered a great deal of adversity, prejudice, and hate through my years. I don’t consider myself an overtly gay stereotypical figure to the point that I should have been targeted with prejudice, but it has happened. As a gay man you are a minority that is judged and discriminated against. I personally, at this time in my life don’t care who knows, except when it will have a negative effect on my future, success and/or happiness. At this point in my life I don’t choose to look for conflict but rather attempt to live a quiet life with someone that I love. As a gay man I have been passed over for promotions at work that I was more than qualified for – only because ‘the boss’ doesn’t want a gay man in the role. Some men and women alike, will all of a sudden act differently in your presence once they find out for certain that you are gay. People are on a ‘need to know’ quest for this information always. I just don’t understand sometimes why we are the talk around the water cooler – who cares anyway? I sure don’t care who you choose to love. I have been attacked on the streets by ‘bashers’ and have had more than my share of insults and derogatory words hurled in my direction. I know what it is like to be discriminated against, silently and overtly. I don’t care who you are or how strong you claim to be – discrimination hurts.
Most of us build walls and grow a thick skin. I am not an activist but I am sure glad that there are gay activists out there that have taken on the cause. My life is certainly better for it. The world is changing and becoming more and more accepting – but still the hate exists. Why? That is too deep of a question, but some of the worst offenders offering up ‘hate’ need to assess what is worse – my lifestyle choice or their open ignorance and hate?
There is that word… “Choice”. We call being gay a lifestyle choice. Is it a choice? No. I was born this way. No one would choose to go through the pain that I have been through in my life if it was a simple ‘choice’ to change. No study will ever convince me that I have - or had - a choice in this matter. No study will ever convince me that I was ‘recruited’ or ‘impressioned’ at a young age. From my earliest memories, I was different. And the worst part of this was, I was always under the impression that my feelings were wrong - although my parents and immediate social surroundings never taught me this. My feelings had to be hidden. I had to hide. Where did these feelings come from? Well, the fact that I did not have a role model to justify my feelings was one source of my grief. Everything around me was different from my own thoughts and feelings. Nothing equated to the way that I felt. Grow up, fall in love (with a woman), have children and live the dream! None of this made sense to me. None of it. All around me was a life and a world which was just not the way that I felt. I did not understand my feelings growing up but I knew that I was different. God made me this way, not a person, not an influence that I should not have been exposed to, not a movie or a book. God.
Today, I would not change anything in my past, present or future. I would not for anything now change my lifestyle ‘choice’ even if it was possible. Everything that has happened to me in the past, every bit of prejudice, every challenge I have ever faced has played a role and shaped me to who I am today. I am better and stronger for it all. You cannot hurt the core of who I am – you can only hurt the surface. I am proud of who I am from the deepest part of my being, and that part of me has nothing to do with my sexuality and lifestyle choice. I am happy with me to the depths of my being.
This introduction and personal perspective is not meant to look for pity, although I will admit that I hope for the possibility of empathy, compassion and understanding.
As gay, lesbian and bisexual people we are already down trodden and now we enter the prison system…
Prison life is hard, cold, unfeeling and it strips the human element from the very being of the person. You are a number and you are a commodity that is counted as a number. You are not a socially acceptable segment of society on the outside, but now we have hierarchy of class, role, and minority inside the walls too. The very people that are not accepted outside the walls are continuing the discrimination inside the walls. Ironic? Perhaps.
The gay man entering prison is probably not wise to expose his homosexuality. He will be targeted and preyed upon. Most gay men will do what is necessary to hide their sexuality to save themselves the shame and pain of their lifestyle and what they are up against if it is exposed. The system has already stripped away all humility from these men, but now the very essence of this person – the only thing that is left must be hidden.
Prisoners will and do share with each other about their families, friends and loved ones. These men – if they have a Partner outside – cannot. They must sit in silence. There love cannot exist in an open forum. They must hide their relationships, and not share or speak of their hopes and dreams. If they do share it is always generic, always uncommitted. A straight man will have an ear for another straight man, but often is not the case for the gay man. He now is silent, hidden, rotting even more inside than the others.
If he is lucky, he will be able to be ‘out’ with his friends inside. If this happens it is a good thing. There are many men in prison that are not threatened by homosexuality and can accept a gay man as a friend. There are many however that cannot. Some if they are flamboyantly gay may become ‘punks’ by choice or by force. This is the lowest of the low and in many cases equates to a form of slavery – sexual slavery. Some gay men will submit to this treatment in an attempt to save themselves from worse fears. What could be worse than giving yourself against your will just so that you are not brutalized even more?
For the gay man that is ‘out’ in prison, life is not always bad. Don’t get me wrong, because it is not all bad behind the walls. Many gay men suffer openly or in silence, but there are others that have achieved an acceptance and can live a fairly decent existence in light of. My Partner is one of these men that is out and is accepted – for the most part. Not however without a cost. He has, will, and does stand up for himself and has spent many lonely days and nights in the hole because he stood up for his choice of lifestyle. He will fight, and he will defend himself and he has not, and never will play any game or submit to another’s hate. We are lucky, he has been down for a while and he is a well-seasoned Prisoner. He knows how to play the politics of system – both the Prisoner’s system and the admin system. My Partner has friends that are more than just supportive – in fact some of them have written me and regularly ask after me. These men are not gay, nor are they anything but caring human beings that see the bigger picture. We are not a threat. In fact they tease him with a familiar kindness that they do with the straight guys around their wives and girlfriends. But don’t misunderstand me here because this does not mean that he still does not have to watch over his shoulder. He is constantly under threat because he is gay. These ‘friends’ are not the majority.
Visitation is stressful, much more stressful than it needs to be. Why? We cannot be who we are without the threat of retaliation from both other Prisoners and/or the administration.
What is a visit to me? It is about spending 6 hours sitting beside the man that I love. It is about me being me, him being him, and together being ‘us’. This time together has nothing to do with sex (although I would be lying if I told you that it does not enter my mind every 10 seconds during the visit – after all I am human), but it does have everything to do with love. The love that I have for this man is very real and very true. It is as strong, as beautiful, and as justified as any love that someone reading this has for their Partner. There is no question for those that choose to watch us in the visiting room that we are more than just a brother or a friend relationship. We interact as a loving couple from the way that we look at each other, talk to each other and move together. We are in love – truly, madly, deeply. I could not hide this if I tried. It is who and what we are together. I don’t want to hide it – I won’t hide it. But, I assure you that we down play it as much as possible. We are forced to be respectful as some people may take offence to our love, and so we are forced to appear less than we should to each other.
Imagine as a woman going to see your husband or boyfriend, or as a man going to see your wife or girlfriend… Imagine that you are allowed the same time for visits but you are not allowed to show that you are in love. Imagine that you could not hug and kiss your Partner entering and exiting the visiting room. Everyone else is - but you cannot. Imagine that you have to sit and talk and share but never touch, never hold hands, never walk with your arm around your Partner. Everyone else is – but you cannot. You must be careful what you say so that you are not overheard. You have to be careful how you look at each other so that you are not found out. Your love is not welcome. Your love is not accepted. You enter for a visit and shake hands or maybe share a hug like two brothers would – a quick embrace with a pat on the back and then quickly back away. You leave the visit the same way, never able to take the warmth of that hug with you on your journey. Your Partner returns to his cell feeling emptier and more alone than before your visit, because the love that is shared between us does not, and can not exist behind the walls. Most reading this will appreciate how important the hug and kiss is. Imagine if you could not have that. How would you feel?
Because my Partner is how he is, and because he is very determined for us to have all that we can have that is equal, we do push the limit. To this point I consider us to be very, very lucky. The question is will this luck hold out?
Our very first visit was a horror all its own. I was terrified of the outcome and was cautious with any outward expression that would ‘give us away’. Over that first weekend my Partner encouraged me to let down my guard and it did come down but not without stress resulting. I felt all eyes on me and I felt exposed. We have hugged from the first visit, but we do also kiss on entry and exit of the visit. We do sit side by side and will have contact within acceptable limits that complies with the visiting room rules. We do however hold back. We do not hold hands openly and walk around the room arm in arm like the other couples. We do spend our time almost completely sitting very close side by side. What we have is more than acceptable to us. All we ask is to continue with what we have. Many gay couples do not even have this much.
There are actually two other gay couples that visit at the same prison that I know of. One couple has been together for 15+ years and they visit twice monthly. The one has been incarcerated for most of that time. They do not hug or kiss or even shake hands because they are too afraid to do so. They greet each other verbally only – both entering and exiting the visiting room. Even with my Partner and I there and paving the way, it is not enough for them to get over their personal fear.
I know of other gay couples involved in the prison system that are either too afraid to show their love, or have been directly forbidden or restricted from doing so. There are lawsuits going on both in the United States as well as other countries now that are challenging the right for gay couples to kiss and / or hug in the visiting room. In the state of Arizona the right for a gay couple to even hug has been challenged. Hugs were reserved for legal spouses and family members only. Currently the right to hug has been returned in AZ but not the right to kiss. Gay men whether cohabitating in a loving relationship prior to incarceration or not, do not count - we are not family, and we are not legal spouses. We do not have the same rights as heterosexual couples and in my mind that only makes our punishment harsher.
Prison administrations will tell us that the rules are there to protect the Prisoner? I am not suggesting that there are not risks involved with openly displaying affection to a same sex Partner in a prison environment, but whether to openly display affection should be our decision not the administration’s decision. I am fully aware of the risks and sometimes feel that we are on borrowed time - borrowed time until there is a ‘retaliation’ that has an impact, or until the state or the prison changes the rules to ‘protect us’ from ourselves. This will ultimately not protect us but hurt us.
Being gay in prison is just as hard of a life as for any other man or woman that is locked up. The difference is that many of these individuals suffer in silence and never come forward for fear of reprisal. The suffering is deep and the cold reality is the emptiness that is forced upon them not being able to openly love.
Being gay is not about having sex with men. It is about men feeling and expressing love towards men instead of women. Love does not always equate with sex, however sex may be an expression of that love. ‘Making Love’ is a better term. Our wants and needs are no different than any heterosexual couple. We want and need intimacy and affection. We want and need to be loved and give love. We are only asking to have equal rights to feel and express what feels natural to us. We just want to be…
Please help to raise the awareness, and stop the condemnation of GLBT people in prison.