I was involved with my man, for 6yrs before he was sentenced. I believe that he and I connected in alot of areas...physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual,sexual...we had a mutual respect for each other. What he did to me and my children, turned my world right upside down and inside out. He molested my daughter....and I decided to stick with him throughout his sentence, thinking that there would be a way to build up our trust issues again, go to couple counselling and eventually get our family back together by dealing with all issues and doing the work, building a support system. My daughter was for it, and so was I...this was the goal.
Well I didn't realize exactly how difficult it would be to stay focused, on track with our plan. You can imagine, the societal values against me...friends turning away from me...I had no family around me...so the isolation was immensely great. But I still perserved, wrote letters, accepted his calls, arranged visits....to the point I was consumed by his prison stuff.....I couldn't talk to anybody about him, I was acting like I was "in a relationship" but I had noone around me, so I was missing out on the social aspects, the closeness that you get from a partner, There was no one around that I could share things with, whether it was local news, a t.v show, movie etc....I would go through periods, of should I keep this going?..but I love him, he is depending on me for being there for him....well just this past January, going down to visit him....it finally dawned on me..."I don't want to do this anymore"..."I'm tired of it, the whole thing"...He is getting help and learning and doing very well in his groups...and what have I done?...I need to do something for myself. I can't be there for him as well as my daughter, when I need to work on my feelings. I felt I was in a position where I can go out and meet new people, and new doors were being opened to me. But I knew I had to let go of my man, in order to move forward. You could say I had to separate myself from the baggage that was dragging me down.
I did, and it was the hard crushing thing for me to do. All I kept thinking was how awful of a person I am, to suddenly bring this onto my man, when he was counting on me for support and being there for him, staying as a family.
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I also started a new relationship with a new guy. It started out as lonliness, needing that companionship...but I was quite attracted to him, and there is alot of positives with this guy...but I held onto the guilts of hurting my old guy...I know it has to do with not allowing myself to have time to mourn, what we had...I totally rushed into it....I explained to my new guy what is going on, and he wasn't scared off, and assured me that he is a good listener. I had a hard time taking him up on his offer as...I feel I still loved my old guy, and didn't want to tell my new guy that I still care for my old guy's well-being still, and of course love him.

So during the relationship with the new guy...I've been going back and forth with my old guy...should I go back to him?...should I not?...what is best for me and the kids?...There are options...I could go back to him, as he found a city that helps Sex offenders to reunite with their families, I just have to relocate. But I'm scared to death....and also feel like I'm taking a step backwards, going back to something familiar...my comfort zone.

A part of me says to stay with my new guy and give it the chance it deserves, I would get alot of opportunity for myself and the kids. It is different for me in the fact, he is a professional, he is alot older, I definately need to learn to be assertive more with this one then my old guy. Which isn't a problem, but a skill I need to work more on....the new guy is sharing his life with me, letting me in, his son adores me and my kids...I don't have to feel shame walking out with him, or the feeling that people are staring at me....we can go out as a family and do stuff together....because he is safe. I can't do that with my old guy.....he is on parole for a year afterwards, then he can have supervised visits, but not with my daughter.
So if I choose to stay with my old guy, there is going to be alot of work...especially rebuilding trust, my daughter can't have contact with him, she's going to feel left out, if her brother gets to see him in supervised visits,we can't walk down the street together, or do anything as a family...or I have to relocate and move to another city, to put our family back together with the help of a sexonder reuniting program.

My new guy is worried that I'm going to end it with him, when September comes, as that is when his release date is. He feels, that once he is out, I'll want him back....I'm not sure, I have thought about it...but I don't want to take on anymore...I feel like I have given up on him....eventhough in my heart of hearts...he can do it, when he puts his mind to it. But there is that bit of doubt there.....maybe, possibly it will happen again.

My old man called me up and asked me, if I was inlove with the new guy...and I told him yes. I felt I had to, as keeping the options open was not being fair to either of them. This crushed my old guy again....but he called me up again last night, and Now I feel guilty again...as he said he put money into a family reintergration program, for us to get back together again once he is out....

I like him, but I don't want to deal with anymore stuff...maybe I'm avoiding it, I'm scared,I'm going to be isolated...as my friends will disown me, not much support for me if I choose to stay.

I told my new guy, that I told my old guy that I was inlove with you(new guy) and he felt good...and we actually talked for 2.5hrs straight, connecting in alot of ways, that he was holding back from during our relationship...as he believed that I will go back to him....So I feel that my life is positively moving forward with this new guy....But I can't get rid of the guilt that I'm turning my back on my old guy and what I had originally believed when he was sentenced.

There thats what I'm going through in a nutshell...........

I don't think you should have ANY guilt at all! Easier said, I know. He made this mistake, not you! Even if you didn't have a new guy, I think the old guy needs to get out and show you that he has changed before you ever even consider taking him back! You don't owe old guy nothing! Like I said, he made the mistake not you! Enjoy life and make decisions and do things for yourself!

Thank You!

Strange--
I think you are making progress. You and your children deserve to be happy. I say continue with the new guy and see what happens. You arent in prison, move forward and see what happens.

If the old guy is making you feel like you are on a roller coaster with thoughts maybe you should stop communicating for a while and see what happens.

See what your daughter says, I KNOW THAT you shouldnt let your kids tell you what to do what its very important that she be comfortable and happy. Kids want to please parents--remeber this when talking to her. Deep down inside she may be very happy that you have moved on.

I hope your family is still in counseling if so--ask the counselor what your daughter says about this new relationship and the fact that you once wanted to stand beside that man that molested her.

Good luck
ONE

To me, for him to call you and say he put money into that after you already told him you were in love sounds a little manipulative...I don't think anyone in the world could blame you for moving on

How old is your daughter? Your childrens safety should be first and foremost in your concerns. Your daughter wants you to be happy, I'm sure, and may not have even began to experience what the abuse has done to her. I stay stick with the new fellow and give him a chance. You and your children will be in my prayers.

Thanks for your replies!
I just needed to hear some feedback...some reassurance
my daughter is 10yrs.old now turning 11 in a couple of months. She really wants me to stay with my old guy, as she doesn't like my new guy very much because he isn't as playful as the old guy was. She also felt listened to more, and got more attention from the old guy as well.
Whereas this new guy, is quiet and is trying to let her feel comfortable around him first...so she isn't scared of him. He wants her trust built up first. Whereas she wants him to rough house with her, play fight etc...and that is not his style. So she isn't giving him a chance.....but maybe in time she will, loosen up a bit.

and maybe he'll loosen up a bit too! find his own ways of relating to her...

yes that is true...they both share an interest in stones, gems, rocks.

I dont have any great advice but did want to tell you to hang in there! HUGS

Staying with the old guy because of guilt is not the answer. It's very natural to want to stay with what is familiar, but that is not always the best thing for us.

Maybe this new guy will give you everything that you have been waiting for in a relationship.

Having a relationship with a man in prison is not an easy life. This new guy has the possibilities of being there for you and your kids in a way that the old guy cannot (by his choice). I say go for the new guy. :)

I just want to say, I know that this is my post, but what you were saying about not having a real relationship really hit home.

I love my guy so much, but I miss having someone here.

I don't go out much and meet guys because I don't want to be tempted with loving my guy and him not being here as opposed to having someone here with me.

Just having a hard time dealing with this lately, and your post really hit a nerve.