My husband is sitting in Dallas County Jail right now, assault, family violence, a misdemeanor charge. This after my friends called the police last Friday night knowing that he had hit me and I could not get to the phones to call for help. This was the 2nd time he had been violent with me in the 2 1/2 years we have been together, 13 months of which he spent in Huntsville (Texas Prison) on an old DWI charge, but with a probation violation.

He was on probation for felony 3rd DWI when we met, he had gotten all 3 of those DWI's before I met him, at the ages of 17, 19 and the last one was when he was age 22. We met when he was 27, and he only had 8 months left of a 5 year probation sentence at that time. Unfortunately, he screwed it all up by throwing a Dr. Pepper can at me and scaring me so bad I called the police. They sentenced him to five years in prison on his DWI charges because he screwed up his probation with a domestic violence charge.

He did 13 months, and came home Nov. 19, 2004. I had decided before he ever went in that I would give him a 2nd chance, I believed in him, and to a certain degree, I still do.

He did SO well at home at first, and this is the part that I just do NOT get, and does NOT fit with any of the "signs of an abusive man". He got a job, he got a used car, we got a home, he was never verbally abusive, he did not keep me from family or friends or try to isolate me, he was not abusive in bed, he did not put me down, none of that! He never has from the beginning. But, he lost two jobs in one week, neither of which I know for an absolute fact were due to anything he did or didn't do on the job. He took it so very hard, and so that night, behind my back, he took a drink, and that is when it all went bad.

He ended up backhanding me in the face, and then he unplugged the phones and went in the bedroom and fell asleep. All night long he had been repeating that no one wanted him, he wasn't good at anything, he was worthless, etc. but no matter how hard I tried, I could not convince him otherwise. I know that is no excuse for what he did, and my friends feel that if they were not around in the beginning of the fight, that he would have really hurt me badly, but I just don't know.

This time he has admitted to me that he has had violence in his life ever since he could remember, with whomever was closest to him at the time, be it his Dad, his Grandparents, his 1st wife, he said he has been angry all of his life, but he does not understand why, but he wants to know so that he can move on with his life and leave the anger behind.

This time he told me he wants help, and that it is him, not me that did wrong. He asked me if I could help find him a counselor that specializes in men that abuse women for if and when he does get out. He says he is ashamed of himself, and he has never, ever, ever said any of these things before.

He is my husband, I love him with all my heart, but do I believe him this time? I just don't know...I want to believe him, I really do, but how do I know if I am doing the right thing either way? I have asked God to show me the way, but so far all I am is more confused with each new day.

How do I know if he can, or will, ever change? How do I know if I should give him another chance or not? I have heard all of the lines "it will just get worse next time", and "if he hits you once, he'll hit you again", and so on, and so on, but none of that helps, I need to know what to do, where to go, who can tell me if it is possible that he can change...but I have no idea where to start.

Can you help?

I don't have any experience with a violent person, but I always like to hope for the best in a person. The only thing that I would offer is to proceed with caution. My husband has said hurtful things to me in the early parts of our marraige. (we have been married 29 years) One time I told him that every time he said something hurtful to me my heart hardened just a little bit. I told him that I was afraid that one day my entire heart would be hard and I would no longer care. That was the beginning of him opening up to me about his angry heart. He had an awful childhood. But that little opening has made a very successful marraige for me. He is my best friend and by understanding what made him angry helped both of us recognize some triggers. Everything ins't perfect, but it is good.

I'm just praying that you will do what's good for you and your son.

Hello,
I am replying to your post pure hearted. I am 38. I have been married and divorced twice to two different men in my life. I have a sons by each. One son with each one. I am here to give you a little of my own advice. Get out of that relationship if it is that bad. I am not trying to cause hard feelings. I am concerned and you MUST take care of yourself first because no one else will do it for you. I have been bet, slapped around, backhanded, my tires cut, wires under my car hood cut and ripped apart, busted windows home and vehicles. I have had my eyes blacked, blued, swole shut. An the drinking, oh, that is a whole different story. Please pm me if you would like. I am not a Dr., Lawyer, therapist, counselor, etc.. I am a divorced mother of two and the life I have lived and got thru I can share my experiences in a general way. I can tell you, no man has put their hands on me since 97'. Take care.

Just wanted to add my little hello.... & welcome.... I have received a lot of advice & a much needed ear to vent to & shoulders to cry on.... You have come to a good place full of good people... We are all here to help.... :)

Welcome!!!

Tex - I'm trying to think of what my reaction would be if I had lost 2 jobs in a week. Somehow, I can't think that I would go around whacking on people. Would you? If it were the only thing in the background, you'd have more reason to double-think this. But 3 DUIs and constant anger at those close to him, and now this crud aimed at you, you have to wonder what subtle undercurrents your son is picking up. Believe me, he IS catching the tension, even if he can't identify what it is. If you want the specifics on that one, PM me.
Whatever decision you make, make it mostly with your son in mind. He's really the one with the most to lose.

well am going against the grain here it seems...but my first husband use to beat me... not just hit but literally beat me.....after i finally got the courage to leave him he got remarried and started the same thing with his now wife.....she filed on him and he went to counceling and has to this day never hit her again and they have been togather for almost 16 yrs now and this all happened in there first yr togather...so i say yes he can change BUT only if he really wants to and admits he has a problem.....u need to follow your heart and do what is best for you...that is the best advice i can give u....just know we are here for u no matter what u decide.

Robin

I dont think your husband fits the typical abusive husband profile...my advice would be to tell him he needs the skills to manage his stress and anger, to get help...if he does it on his own he.s worth another shot...if he balks then its time for him to hit the road...if he does get help, you maybe should have him reside somewhere else til he proves his sincerity.

wishing you the best, your heart must be breaking...

You asked what to do? Did you help him find counseling as he asked? Also, he needs to be going to A.A. Just because he doesn't drink every day doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic. You mentioned that things got worse after he drank and that's a big red flag! The drinking can get much worse and then the violence gets much worse. Nothing you can do about it. HE has to be the one to say he needs help and then HE needs to go to someone - but you might be able to steer him in the right direction. Until he gets the help needed, be very careful and cautious! Been there. Done that!

Been there too.He is now my Ex.Got out while I still had some sanity left.I want to be supportive of your relationship-but it sounds so much like mine-the one I RAN from.I rebuilt my own life-it has been good.I live without drama and fear.If you stay with this man you are probably just headed for more of the same-over and over.Please think about yourself-is this what you really want?

I agree that he needs counseling and I think you need to think long and hard about this relationship. NOBODY has any right to lay their hans on you and YES it will happen again. This is very common in violent men. It's a vicious cycle and I've been there so I know. I would get out of the relationship and tell him to seek help with his anger problem.

I think you should help him seek help and stand by him but suggest you find a seperate place to leave for a few months until he can be sure he wont do it again.

With counseling (for each of you, separately and as a couple), AA and anger management courses it is possible to nip this acting out in the bud, but the odds are not great and it will take commitment on BOTH your parts... including a bone deep willingness on your part to leave on the spot, no questions, no "one more chance" if he displays any violence towards you, including throwing things, punching walls or making threats.... Can you do that?

Tx..not many men fit 'the abuse type' to a "T" But it doesn't matter. Don't believe him. He WILL do it again. counseling does NO good for an abuser, in fact, it may make the abuse worse. it is not 'anger management' that's needed. he needs to be accountable for what he does. the silence must be broken. He needs to be exposed and take the consequences. otherwise, he won't feel he has no choice but to get help.

God Bless,
Marsha

Hi ladies, I am fairly new to the site, and I'm browsing through different forums, and I came accross thes one that caught my attention and I feel your pain, and your insecurity. You must LOVE YOU first and foremost before you can love him . You are in lust with the thought of having a MAN.I promise that I'm not here to undermind or"bash" anyone, but I'm here to tell you that you sound like a beautiful person, inside and out. If you've ever heard the song by Mary J. Blige "Happy" she has a piece in the very beginning " How can I love somebody else when I can't love MYSELF enough to know when it's time; time to let go."Life is too short to allow someone else to take it from you. I promise that if GOD doesn't want you to have it, it won't hurt you. We are from man, and if he doesn't take care of himself, he's not gonna take care of YOU. I can't tell you to stay, nor can I tell you to leave. But I can ask you to think of your well-being. I don't know you from Adam, but I was in an abusive relationship, I got "BUCK", and I got OUT! I played KRAZY one time., and that was all it took. Thank GOD, it's not the guy that I'm engaged to now who is incarsorrated. GOD loves you and so do WE!!!

You are in my PRAYER.

There is no excuse for a man to hit a woman. Why allow him to take out his anger, frustrations, etc. on you? I would think seriously about staying in that marriage. I know you love him, but nobody deserves to be hit. I believe he will do it again.

well my situation is almost the same, my man is currently serving time for Domestic, i hate it. But... My responce would be yes you should give him one more chance...Only you know how your life is with out him, that's what i ask my self alot- am i like 100 % happy with out him? Well juswt think of it that way....

Your story sounds very similar to mine. My man only became abusive when he drank and it was very quick, but was out of his own insecurities and he truly wants help to change now. (Read my thread) Offer all the help you can. Recommend that he go to AA and all classes he can while inside. Send him one of the books I recommend on my thread. His "actions", not "words", will tell you if he's truly serious, and of course, even this there's always a risk we take. My man grew up with a violent alcoholic father who was a monster. I believe they anger they feel but don't understand comes from their troubled childhood, in which, the best way to heal from is to get counseling. Best wishes to you. Follow your gut feeling - it's there for a reason, and don't deny it! Take care.

It's hard and I feel for you. I don't know you, but I'm in the same boat. My children's father has put his hands on me many of times. Of course that is not right, I've done the counseling, book reading, etc. But we have been together on and off for 9 years. I've dated other people and always end up right back with him. Anyways, he was on parolle, was about to get off and put his hands on me. I had to call the police to get him away. He was doing so good, actually received some Child Support checks, he had a job, was going to school, counseling, the whole nine yards. Now I feel guilty because he's violated and going to serve years in Prison. I have no clue what I'm going to do, but yes he is the Stupid One who chooses his own decisions.
If you stay with your man, I understand. Good Luck. It is never okay for a man to abuse you in any way, so Stay Strong and Stick to Your Guns.