DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A HORRIBLE SCENE FOR ANYONE TO HAVE TO LIVE IN.... IF A PERSON WHO IS BEING VICTIMIZED LIVES WITH THE VIOLENCE, IT IS USUALLY BECAUSE THERE REALLY IS SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT THE ABUSER.... WE FALL IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE AND THEY ARE NOT BORN WITH THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INSIDE THEM... THIS HAPPENS BECAUSE OF MANY THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO THEM IN LIFE. IT CAN BE GROWING UP IN A HOME THAT WAS VIOLENT. IT CAN BE A LOT OF THINGS EVEN TO THE POINT OF THEIR OWN SELF CONFIDENCE.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT CAN BE DONE TODAY TO HELP OUT IN A SITUATION THAT A WIFE OR CHILDREN IS BEING ABUSED? HOW CAN A WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND GET HELP FOR THE PERSON SHE LOVES? HOW CAN THAT PERSON BE TAUGHT TO UNDERSTAND THAT HE NEEDS HELP IN THE FIRST PLACE? I LIVED FOR 21 YEARS IN A VIOLENT SITUATION... THIS HAS BEEN OVER 20 YEARS AGO... DURING THAT PERIOD, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO DO IT. I JUST KNEW THAT I HAD BEEN TAUGHT BY MY PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS YOU DID NOT GET A DIVORCE..... THIS WAS A NO NO. IT WAS MUCH BETTER FOR YOUR CHILDREN TO LIVE IN A HOME TOGETHER AS A FAMILY RATHER THAN A SEPARATED HOME. BOY! WAS THAT EVER WRONG......

WE CAN CHANGE THE WAY PEOPLE OBSERVE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IF WE TRY....


DONNA:pissed: :fb: :fb: :p :p

I totally agree with you. I stayed in a 13 year abusive marriage because I was brought up that you just don't give up because things get a "little rough".

There are many women who are in prison because they had enough and they felt the only way out was to kill their abuser. There are many men in prison whose anger went to far and now their wife, or children are dead. The circle of abuse has got to stop before ours prisons fill up with husbands and wives killing each other.

Yes, it's hard and I would like to add one more thing about the children. My daughter said something to me the other day that blew me away. When I left their dad, I was hoping that I had left when they were young enough to not remember everything and that they would learn that they don't have to live like that. The other day, my daughter and I were arguing over her boyfriend. he is very controlling and possesive and it scares me. I told her that if she loved him, then she needs to stand back and let him learn how to get better himself. She said...'Like you did dad? Look what happened when yous stepped back, you lost him!!"

How do you respond to that? She is right. I was told that if he comes home drunk and passes out on the front yard..let him lay there. If he gets drunk and doesn't make it into work, don't call his boss and make excuses, let him handle the consequences of his own actions. So I did, and he turned to the neighbors wife for the support that I stopped giving him. THAT is what my daughter remembers, when I stepped back, he left. So, now she is following in my foot steps, except she won't step back because she is afraid of loosing him.
:( :( :( :(

JOY-DON'T SECOND GUESS YOURSELF- YOU DID THE RIGHT THING FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER- AS HARD AS IT IS, AND I KNOW PERSONALLY HOW HARD IT IS, WE HAVE TO STOP ENABLING AIIDCTS/ALCOHOLICS NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE LVE THEM. WE ARE ONLY HURTING THEM IF WE DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO HAVE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR. THE COST HAS GOT TO BE GREAT ENOUGH THAT THEY SEE THE NEED TO STOP. IF WE BUFFER IT FOR THEM, WE ARE HURTING THEM, NOT HELPING THEM. AS A MOTHER OF SIX DAUGHTERS, THREE OF THEM TEENAGERS, I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES THEY SAY THINGS THAT CUT US RIGHT TO THE BONE--THEY WANT SO MUCH TO BE INDEPENDENT BUT INSIDE THEY REALLY WANT DIRECTION. I AM VERY FRANK WITH MY DAUGHTERS ABOUT GOOD AND BAD DECISIONS I HAVE MADE IN MY LIFE, AND I DISCUSS THINGS WITH THEM OPENLY AND HONESTLY. IF YOU EXPRESS YOUR CONCERNS ABOUT HER SAFETY AND HER BOYFRIEND'S BEHAVIOR TO HER , EVEN THOUGH SHE MAY COME BACK WITH A SMART REMARK, SHE HEARS MORE THAN SHE LETS ON. AND WHAT TEENS SAY IS NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY REALLY FEEL. I HAVE HAD TIMES MY GIRLS HAVE COME BACK AND ACTUALLY THANKED ME BELIEVE IT OR NOT. I TELL MY GIRLS THAT THEY HAVE TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS BUT THAT I WANT THEM TO MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS. TAKE CARE. I LOVE YOU

SHERRI

SHERRI:

HOW RIGHT YOU ARE.... THAT ALWAYS IS THE MAJOR PROBLEM IN ANY ADDICTION. WE- THE ENABLERS- THINKING WE ARE HELPING THE LOVED ONE AND WE ONLY HURT THEM MORE ALONG WITH OURSELVES. AFTER I LEFT MY EX HUSBAND, I STARTED GOING TO AL-ANON FOR FAMILIES OF ALCOHOLICS. I LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT HOW FAMILIES, BECAUSE THEY ARE ASHAMED ENABLE THE ALCOHOLIC CONTINUE TO BE WHAT HE IS BECAUSE WE DO BUFFER THE REAL WORLD FROM THEM. WE HIDE WHAT THEY DO INCLUDING THE ABUSE FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.... WE ARE ASHAMED OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN SO THEREFORE, WE KEEP IT TO OURSELVES.

THIS IS THE ONE THING ALL OF US MUST DO.... BRING IT OUT.... DON'T HIDE IT.

MY BEST

DONNA

When I was still with the girls dad, he went out one night, got drunk and put two people in the hospital. He was court martialed (He's in the Air Force) and part of his sentence was to attend AA. This particular group had AA in one room and Al-Anon in the other for the spouses. I went a few times and felt more depressed when I came out because these people were so angry. So, I started going to the AA meetings with my husband instead and I learned more there than anywhere else. They are the ones that told me that if I loved my husband, then I need to let him go by letting him suffer the consequences of his actions. So, I stepped back and when he would get drunk and do something stupid, I was there, but I didn't cover for him. The neighbors "wife" felt sorry for him and thought I was being mean and so she stepped in and covered for him so he left me for her. That is what Carine remembers...me stepping back and loosing him.

JOY,

HAS HE CHANGED SINCE HE WENT WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR? IF SO, THEN GOOD FOR HIM, IF NOT, THEN YOU DID NOT NEED HIM ANYWAY....

DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.... THAT IS HOW WE ALL END UP STAYING IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS.... THAT IS WHY WE HIDE THE FACT THAT OUR HUSBANDS ARE ALCOHOLIC. THE PERSON WHO IS ALCOHOLIC BLAMES US. THEY MAKE US FEEL THAT WAY - THAT IT IS OUR FAULT THEY DRINK.... THIS IS NOT TRUE.... THEY DRINK OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL, WE JUST HAVE TO DECIDE IF WE WANT TO BE TREATED BETTER THAN THAT.

MY LOVE
DONNA

JOY-THOUGH CARINE TELLS YOU THAT IS WHAT SHE REMEMBERS, I AM ALMOST CERTAIN SHE HAS SOME OTHER UNPLEASANT MEMORIES OF HER FATHER IN AN INTOXICATED STATE-IT IS CONVENIENT FOR HER TO CALL YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED, BUT HE IS THE ONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BREAK-UP-YOU DID NOT LOSE YOUR HUSBAND--YOU GAINED STRENGTH FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN-EVEN IF CARINE DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THIS NOW, SHE WILL AT SOME POINT.

I agree with Sherri...try to hang in there and maybe get her to talk about what she feels and thinks and why she sees it that way.
maybe by talking she'll realize that what you did was the best thing you could do?

I have also been involved in several different abusive relationships. I am glad you started this forum.

I wanted to push this old thread up...
It is interesting- but I do want to make one thing clear- not all abusers are alcoholics or drug addicts- or had a difficult childhood.