Well, as most of you already know, when my (now ex) John got out of prison, he pulled a complete 180 on my a$$ and went right back to the streets (and doing bad things) WELL..... he showed up at my house last night :eek: !! I was standing on my front porch, smoking a cigarette and I heard a car pull up in my driveway. I looked out to see who it was and I didn't know the car so at first I was just like "Who the hell's here????" Then he got out of the car and I was like "oohhhhh sh**!!!!! What's he doing here??" This isn't the first time he's contacted me since he pulled his bullsh** a month ago. This is actually like the 3rd or 4th time that he's either called or showed up. BUT, the last time he came around me I told him that I couldn't be with him anymore because he hurt me so bad and all his efforts to get me back are too little too late. EVREY SINGLE TIME he's come around since he got out, he's just trying to get back with me but I'm too afraid of what BS he might pull. The last time he came by was a couple weeks ago and I hadn't heard from him since then.... until last night. I went out in the driveway and asked him what he was doing there and he said "I can't stop thinking about you and I wasn't gonna stop right now but something inside told me I needed to, so I did." He went on to say that everyday he thinks of me and it's really bugging him. He said that he passes by my house all the time and always wants to stop but he chickens out right before he actually does stop because he remembers how I told him he's too little too late. We sat down on my porch and were just talking for a WHILE about him and me and everything that happened between us in the past 3 years and all that. He keeps trying to justify what he did by saying that he didn't want to "let me down or hurt me" so he just left before he did. He said he's doing really good, not doing drugs or anything (but I find that HARD to believe). He said he did it (heroin) a couple times but that he realized that he was doing wrong and didn't like the direction his life was heading in, so he left that sh** alone for good. Then we got on the subject of us and what happened this time around. He said he still loves me and cares for me more then I will ever know. He also said that he never meant to hurt me and that is what he was trying to prevent by leaving the way he did.... I told him that in all reality, he only hurt me MORE by running out like that. To that he said "Well, I'm here now, right?? Doesn't that tell you ANYTHING???" I told him "Not really because you STILL did what you did after everything that we've already been through together." He just kept trying to convince me that he still wants to be with me.... I'm sure he does, it's not like I don't believe him about that.... it's just that I was standing my ground because I CANNOT get back with him after all this.... not right now at least, he'll need to prove ALOT before I even consider it. Then he said something about if this is how I'm gonna be about it and that's how I'm gonna think, then he will never come around again. This was kinda mean of me to say back but I had to.... I told him "Well, it's not like your a part of my daily life anymore anyways!!! If you would have said those same words to me a month ago, I'd probably be begging for you but the thing is, you already did the worst you can do.... you already walked out on our relationship without even thinking twice about it. Am I supposed to beg you now after all that?? Come on now.... if you don't wanna come around me or talk to me, that's on you.... I can't stop you." He said that's the last thing he wanted and that's why he was there. I told him "Of course I still care about you and love you and want you around but things just aren't the same now.... you let me down." He said if he can't be with me then he at least always wants to be my friend because I was always good to him. I told him that I would always be there for him and I meant that too.... I will always be there for him, but that doesn't change the fact that my heart hurts because of him. He kept trying to kiss me and stuff but I just pulled away and was like "what do you think I am??? We're not together anymore!!!!!" He said he still wants to be with me and make things work and I was just like "Nope, you've got ALOT to prove before ANYTHING like that will ever happen!!!!" He IS TRYING, I'll give him that.... that guy has ALWAYS had WAY TOO MUCH pride to show so much feeling and emotion to anyone.... even someone he loves, and he has really swallowed his pride for me here. So for that reason, I KNOW he means what he's saying and I know he realized that he messed up BAD and he wants to fix it now but it's gonna take ALOT more then just words...... actions speak louder then words. I really don't know if I could ever take him back because he really hurt me. It started getting late and I had to wake up early so I told him I was gonna go in and go to bed. He said he would call me tomorrow (which is now today) and we would talk more. He said he's gonna call about 6 or 7..... and I'm sure he will too. What the hell do I do now??????

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY this was so dang long but I just wanted to share this with all my girlies and see what ya'll have to say about this. Do you think he's really being serious???? Do you think he's just doing this to make things "right" so if he ever goes back in, I'l, be there for him again?? He said He's ready to go back..... what kinda sh** is that to say???? He said it
s boring out here and he had more going on in prison..... WTF???????? :eek: :confused: :mad: :blah: yeah, ummmmm there's ALOT of BAD going on in there..... but why the hell does he want to go back to that????????? I'm telling you, that man is so institutionalized, it's not even funny!!!!!!! Does he not even care about his freedom???? I love him, I always have and I always will but he has done alot of crap to me and let me down alot.... this was the final straw. We were together before he ever went in and I can honestly say that the most time he ever did good by me, was when he was in prison!!!! THAT is just sad and lets me know that he just really doesn't want to do good out here... or he just can't but either way..... I think he's gonna go right back in soon. BUT.... I still love him and it's kinda hard for me to tell him no when I just really wanna kiss him back and hold him..... that's my babe!!!!!! :( I'm trying to stay strong.... and have been doing pretty good but now I'm afraid that he's gonna weaken me and I'm gonna go back..... PLEASE HELP!!!!!! What should I do????? I need my girlies now!!!!!! ;) :) Thanks so much for listening and any feedback is very appreciated!!!!!!!!! Much love and hugs to all you chicas and thank you so much for always being here for me!!!!!!!!

Jess

OH GIRL,
I dont even know what to say. I say take it SLOW. Let him prove to you that he is doing better and wants to change. Does he have a legal job? Where is he living? Is he going to NA/AA? Is he in substance abuse counseling? Whose car was he in for you not to recognize him?

Just take some time---you dont want to start the process of healing all over again.

ONE

Actions speak louder then words.I agree with 1dayatatime.Take it real slow and see if his words are sinciere.It's not enough to say I've changed, he has to prove it.

Nope sweetie, he doesn't have a job..... He's living with his mom (where he was gonna live anyways because I wasn't ready for him to move in with me)........ He said he is going to NA classes because he's mandated by parole ti do so.... but he said he's already missed 2 classes....... I have no idea about substance abuse counseling, but he said he's passed 3 drug tests for parole so far....... and I have NO IDEA who's car that was and when I asked him he smiled and said "Not a big deal, it's my friends... he let me borrow it to come see you!" But what friend.... I dunno!!!!!! I didn't really wanna know either but i have never seen that car before!!!! :confused: I am gonna keep standing my ground and stay strong but that guy has me all confused and sh**, he drives me CRAZY!!!!!!! :blah: :( :mad: It's just cuz I love him though.... you're VERY RIGHT, I( REALLY don't want to have to start this healing process all over again.... it's already been hard enough on me. Thank you for your support hon, I really appreciate it!!!!! Much love and hugs to ya!!!!!!!!! ;) :) :p

Actions DO speak way louder then words, I'ma do just that.... I'ma sit back and see how much he's willing to prove for me..... if he really loves me and wants me back he'll prove alot, right?? We'll see how he acts from here on out but I will NOT even consider taking him back until he proves things to me, I can't let myself down like that.... not again!!!!! Thanks for the love and support!!!!!!! Much love and hugs hon!!!!!!!

JUST BE FRIENDS WITH HIM. Like you said, actions speak louder than words. I'm sure that he is sincere and that he really does love you and care about you. But like you said the hurt has already happened. He was doing things in a way to prevent you from getting hurt but you still got hurt badly and I'm sure you still feel the pain of that. Him trying to kiss you concerns me. To me that makes it seem like he is just trying to say the right things to get in your pants. I know that sounds bad but I'm talking from past experience. They say I'm sorry, I won't do it again, give me another chance then when you give in an give them that booty they go back to the way they were as they are thinking "SUCKER" in their head as they walk out your door. It's sad but it happens.

Jess, I think you are doing a wonderful job of standing strong. Do not give in. I know you still love him and care about him and I know you always will but you need to continue taking care of #1 and that's you!! Don't let him break you down especially when he thinks life is better in prison, he'll probably go back. I don't know why he would want to, he feared for his life there. Be his friend but that's it. You can still love someone and care about them without being in a relationship. Friendship is enough for right now.

Good luck, stand strong!!!

Hey Jess (((hugs))) I'm so proud of ya being so strong & standing your ground with him. Ya go gurl...I know its rough when you so badly just want to kiss & hold him and make everything be like it was before. I have been there with my husband especially when he went back to drugs. I so badly acted like I didn't care or even cared & loved him but I so did.. Just take things slow & make him prove to ya that he isn't using & he really wants you & him to be together tell him.. suggest maybe him going to meetings for addiction and that you could atleast go to them together..and he needs to be a man and start acting like one.. That right now, you can only be his friend until he shows ya that he is for real about all of this..Good luck girlie & luv ya and stay strong :)

Girl for those of us who are lucky enough to never get addicted to such awful drugs like heroin its hard for us to understand the addiction and thoughts that go with it. I know cuz I am going through something similar with my husband who just got out. And yes actions speak louder than words but I have always said that I love my husband and I have to deal with the good as well as the bad. Maybe you can go to NA meetings with him just as a start not getting back right away or anything but just to show him it can be different and that he has someone who truly cares for him. Just be there as a friend for now so that he knows not everyone has given up on him. He must not be doing to bad if they havent sent him back already. I dont know how it is there in Cali but here if you are on probation or parole they send you back right away even for one dirty ua.

You are all very right.... I need to just be his friend and let him prove sh** to me. When he calls me today, I will bring up the idea of me going to meetings with him. I support him in everything he does, as long as it's the RIGHT things to be doing. I always have supported him and I always will but he needs to do this for him.... not for me. Csmsgrl, I don't think he was trying to kiss me to just get down my pants because it wasn't really like that. He was kissing me on my cheeck and kept grabbing my hand and kissing it. He only tried to kiss my lips once and I pulled away and he didn't try again. He's not just trying to get down my pants because there are LOTS of girls that he could get a$$ from WAY QUICKER AND EASIER then he'll get it from me... and he knows that. His baby's mama being a BIG ONE on that list.... he can get a$$ from her any day any time no matter what he does to hurt her. I am different and he knows that!!! I understand what you are saying though, but I just wanted to reassure you that it's not like that... he knows I'm way too stubborn to let him have this booty any time soon after what he did. He KNOWS that I'll shoot him down a million and 1 times before he gets in these pants. TRUST ME, if he just wanted a$$, I would be the LAST person he would come to for that because I play tight!!!!! ;) :p A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!!!!!

Well thank you all so much for your love and support, it really mean so much to me!!!!!! Ya'll are the best support system a girl can ask for and I love all of ya for that!!!!!!!! You all have given me alot of good advice here and I will be sure to follow it!!!! Thanks again so much for everything!!!!! Much love and hugs to my girls!!!!!!

I hear ya loud and clear Jess!!! :) I just threw it out there but I know you wouldn't do that regardless if that was his intention or not!!! You are so strong, you are an inspiration!! I hope that your friendship and support keeps him out of prison and on the right path!!:thumbsup: :) :D

Jess,

As always, it sounds like you are approaching this with a good head on your shoulders. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, and yet you stand strong.

he needs to do this for him.... not for me

You hit the nail on the head, girl. I think what concerned me most about your post was him saying that he is ready to go back. If he doesn't value his freedom, and he doesn't care enough about HIMSELF to do the right thing, then how can he care about YOU the way that you deserve?

I think offering to go to meetings with him, and showing him that he does have support, but standing firm in "actions speak louder than words", and taking things verrrrry slowly, one day at a time, is exactly the right decision. For both of you.

Ahilton, thank you so much for the compliments.... I really am trying my hardest to stay strong and stand my ground.... I have to do what's right for me, not for him because what he did kinda showed me that HE is sure not gonna look out for me in this. I know, that part about him being ready to go back really concerned me too...... I feel you 110% there sweetie!!! How can he say something like that now but when he was in there, he just kept saying how he wanted to me free..... that man musta fell and bumped his head because he's on a good trip there!!!!!! :( That made me SAD to hear that though, how terrible it is for him to want to go back to such a hellhole and feel ok about that!!!!!!!! I am gonna support him and stand by him AS A FRIEND because like he said, if he can't have me, he at least wants to have my friendship always. I'll give him that because I have a big heart but I will not give in to him trying to get back with me....ot ANY TIME SOON that's for sure!!!!!! Thank you so mcuh for all your love, support and advice. It really has helped, I really appreciate EVERYONE taking the time to give your advice to a confused chica over here. I just love him but I KNOW I have to protect my heart and do what's right for ME ME MEEEEEEE!!!!! It is hard to do but I know I can stay strong in this, especially with all of your ladies love and support backing me up!!!!!!!!!!

Well I would just like to say that I think you have been WAY strong through out all of this, I have read your threads and know what's up! I wish you the best of luck girl, either route you take is going to be tuff! I just want to compliment you on how well you have handled this situation and I just think you are a very strong woman!! Good for you!

oh :( girl i am so acared for you...i dont want him to be able to hurt you again. you seem to be doing so good without his drama in your life. :rolleyes: oh man i so wish i could give you advice, i wish i could wave my wand and make all this happily ever after for you. :( i just want you to think about what good will come out of john being in your life again and what bad will come out of it too. is it worth it? oh jess, dang it, i had a missed call from you last night too, but matt and i were fighting bad and i didnt call you back. now i feel bad :( i know you are SMART and a dime piece, you deserve the best of the best of the best....remember chutes and ladders? you are at the top, john still has alot of climbing to get to where you are at ;) love you mama

wow girlie seems like he really does care and is realzing what a good thing he has lost. I wouldn't go straight back to him because it doesn't seem like he's trying to do good out here which is sad. But if you think you can be strong and be his friend then do it maybe ya'll will work thing's out. But if ya think he is only going to make you weak don't do it yet stick to your decision girlie I am proud of ya

AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW love spell, thank you so much for the compliments!!!!! I TRY, I really do!!!!!!!! ;) You're very right, either way, It will be tough but I know if I've made it this far that there's not much I can't do in this situation. I feel that I have the upper hand now, and I kinda like it that way!!!! I won't let him hurt me again, that is for sure!!!!!!!! ;) Thanks again, very much, for the kind words sweetie!!!!!!

You are all very right.... I need to just be his friend and let him prove sh** to me. When he calls me today, I will bring up the idea of me going to meetings with him. I support him in everything he does, as long as it's the RIGHT things to be doing. I always have supported him and I always will but he needs to do this for him.... not for me. Csmsgrl, I don't think he was trying to kiss me to just get down my pants because it wasn't really like that. He was kissing me on my cheeck and kept grabbing my hand and kissing it. He only tried to kiss my lips once and I pulled away and he didn't try again. He's not just trying to get down my pants because there are LOTS of girls that he could get a$$ from WAY QUICKER AND EASIER then he'll get it from me... and he knows that. His baby's mama being a BIG ONE on that list.... he can get a$$ from her any day any time no matter what he does to hurt her. I am different and he knows that!!! I understand what you are saying though, but I just wanted to reassure you that it's not like that... he knows I'm way too stubborn to let him have this booty any time soon after what he did. He KNOWS that I'll shoot him down a million and 1 times before he gets in these pants. TRUST ME, if he just wanted a$$, I would be the LAST person he would come to for that because I play tight!!!!! ;) :p A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!!!!!

Well thank you all so much for your love and support, it really mean so much to me!!!!!! Ya'll are the best support system a girl can ask for and I love all of ya for that!!!!!!!! You all have given me alot of good advice here and I will be sure to follow it!!!! Thanks again so much for everything!!!!! Much love and hugs to my girls!!!!!!
'SUP CHONG............ DAMN THAT WAS LONG, I ALMOST WENT BACK TO SLEEP AND I JUST GOT UP! SORRY I DIDN'T GET TO TALK TO YOU LAST NIGHT, I WAS SLEEPING MOST OF THE DAY, UNDER MEDS YA KNOW....... GOT A REAL BAD COLD AND I TOOK A LITTLE TOO MUCH MEDS!...... ALLS I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS MATTER, GO WITH YOUR CORAZON GURLY! I'LL CALL YOU UP LATER ON THIS AFTERNOON..... I'MA JUMP MY SMELLY BOOTY IN DA SHOWER, GET DRESSED AND GO TAKE A WALK! TALK TO YA SOON! LUV YA!

Well in my opinion he seems to really care an love you an realizes your the one he wants to be with, but yes if he really feels for you an wants you back he will do everythin in his power to get you back an will proove to you he's serious about you, but i think it be best for you to be friends only until he prooves to you he's serious about you an wants to change cuz you dont wanna get hurt all over again, good luck to you an i hope everythin works out for the best for you

Oh and add this to your list for things he must do *before you have any action with him* "
*HIV test
*RPR
*gonorrhea/chlamydia test
*Hepatitis test

You just never know!

ONE

It's very hard to let someone go when you love them. But the reality of his situation and life is that he likes prison and he's not tired yet, not tired of the lifestyle and not tired of the bull*#$* - and it has to get to that point to where he's tired of being tired. From what you said, he's working real hard on going back and I think you know that eventually everything he's doing now will catch up with him, he'll violate and go back and will be looking for you to "do his time" with him again. He's showing you who he is and what he's all about. He ran out on your before you had any problems, what do you think he will do when something really big comes up? Why should the relationship be one-sided? You're there for him, is he there for you? Don't be so willing to give up so much (your time, energy, etc.) that you have nothing left for yourself.

We pm'd each other a couple of times...please remember what I told you about me and my ex...I would hate for you to have to go through any un necessary pain and heartache

Hey girl, I just wanted to tell you that the reason i suggested going to NA meetings with him is cuz it gives you a better understanding of their thinking or should I say their not thinking when it comes to family and loved ones when they are on drugs. I have been going with my husband and it is really helping me to understand a lot of the problems. and like I said do it as a friend if not anything else cuz in those meetings that what a lot of them talk about is the support system and people who showed them they cared. You know there are people that hand with you when you are doing drugs only cuz thats what they are doing to but when you try and do good they are not around and then you have the ones who only want to be around when you are doing good and leave you when the going gets tough but what they really need are the ones that are willing to go through it with you. To a point of course cuz there is only so much hurting anyone can take but the way i see things is if you really realy love someone like you have never loved before well then its worth it to try and work things out cuz there is never going to be a perfect relationship and every relationship is going to have problems just different kinds of problems. Any way just my two cents.

Ah Jess I don't know what to say cause our situations are a bit similiar and I don't know what I'd do if he came around,I just recently told him not to contact me so I won't be faced with either the heartache of seeing him and him leaving again or having to make a decision on what to do if he were to want to work things out.I like you love him and want to be with him but I'd be so afraid of getting hurt again.

You sound like your doing ok and I think your a very strong woman! Just do what you feel is right for you,take it slow and be cautious,let him prove himself.

Hang in there girl HUGS!

Chonga... My girly... I just want to start out by saying I'm real proud of how you handled yourself mama!! Let John keep wishing and wanting you for a hot minute! Stand your ground and show him that you are independent and don't need his @ss! You have been doing YOU without HIM. I know he is feeling pretty bad right now and realizing what a special and beautiful, one of a kind woman he just done lost!! It would be a good idea to observe his behaviors and actions, while maintaining a friendship with him over time. This way you are not risking getting hurt again. I know you are a smart female and if you see he is truly proving himself-- then perhaps someday in the future when you are ready-- he might be worthy of a second chance. Just follow your heart and go with your gut. It will never fail you. I think it is great that you will continue to be there for him no matter what. You are a very loyal woman and men love that $h*t!! Just keep doing what you're doing and remember that you can have any man you want girl! I know you are going to make the best choice for yourself Jess and I know you are going to be happy because you have a lot of respect for yourself and demand more! :D

Sending you lots of hugs n besos,
Marie

I really don't think that I would want him around me if I was you. He hurt you and know he thinks that he can just come back, Yes he realized that you are the best thing that has ever happened to him. But if he still talks like he wants to go back inside then there is no way that I would ever take that chance. You sound like you are moving on and mending your heart. keep on moving forward and not backward!!

WOW. Major kudos to you chick!:D You are a very strong, independent,and beautiful woman...and you've got some willpower. I would of hauled his @$$ inside for a few hours!;) I can never resist my hunny. I'm glad that your handling this in such a great manner, not a lot of females would. If he plans on going back to prison, and he's happier there than on the streets, he needs some counseling.:eek: I think therapy should be a condition of every parole, but there is just no money for that. I know how much you care for him, and you know, if he can prove to be a better man for you, then take him back. If you're unsure of his motives and you doubt him a lot, then you're right for playing the friends card. I could never be just friends with Jimmy. We have too much of a history, but more power to you for being able to handle that without going crazy. I wish you the best girl, keep strong and positive, because you need to in situations like this! Good luck:)

OMG THANK ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OF YA SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS, SUPPORT, LOVE AND ENCOURAGMENT!!!!! You are all very right with what you had to say and I will be sure to keep all of the advice in mind. You are all very right when you say that I should take things really slow with him as far as even a friendship goes and I will be doing just that ;) !!!! He's called every day since that night and he keeps trying to come and see me again but every time he calls, I've told him I was busy... whether I was or not, just because I can't handle seeing him all the time.... I DO still love him and it really isn't the easiest thing to turn him down all the time when I'm seeing him face to face. If I let him come around, eventually, he will probably break me down and get me to give in to him and me just knowing that things could happen like that..... I have to be careful!!!! I really can't let him hurt me and get me down again.... I love him but i love myself more and I have to protect my heart... ya'll feel me??!! ;) One of my friends (that is also a friend of his but is closer to me) ran into John the other day and they brought me up. My friend said that they were just talking and John said "Ey, have you seen or heard from my girl :eek: ??" My friend was like "Your girl?????..... ohh, Jessica?! Yeah, she comes and chills with me all the time!!" And John was like "ohh is THAT right? Why, what's she doing over here??" and he started kinda trippin. My buddy told him "Ey fool, I've known her since we were little kids (which is very true, we've been friends since I was 11) and she can come chill with me anytime she wants to... you ain't with her anymore, you fucked that up, so you can't even get mad, you've BEEN knowing that she chills with me.... it's not like she's over here fu**ing or anything but all of a sudden you're not with her and you wanna trip on shit, that ain't right !!!!" And John said sorry and told him that he was right, he shouldn't be trippin because he knows what's up with me and he has no right over me anymore. Then me friend said "but while we're on the subject, fool, you fu**ed up BAD letting her go, she's one of a kind and you ain't gonna find another one like her, and that's for damn sure!!!" Then John went started to tell my friend that he feels so messed up for what he did and that it bothers him all the time. He said I'm all he ever thinks about and it's starting to get to him. He said he couldn't leave that (what he did to me) over his head because it will end up messing with him bad. He told my friend that he still loves me and always has but that when he tried to come back and make things right between us, I just turned him down. That's when my friend said "what did you expect?? Her to come back to you like nothing ever happened and just be a fool... you know Jess ain't like that!!" Then John agreed that I'm NOT like that and he said he doesn't blame me for not taking him back because what he did to me really was wrong but he just wants to get it across to me that he really is sorry and he really does love me. Then he told him "I just want my baby back, there ain't no girl that could ever take her place and I fu**ed up so bad, I just wish she would give me a second chance to do right by her." He ever told my friend to talk to me for him and let me know that he really loves me and he's sorry. My friend said he'd pass the message on to me for John but that John would have to talk to me himself because that's the "man thing" to do in this situation. That's all that my buddy told me about their lil talk. I mean, yeah, that was really sweet, he's even talking to other people about it now and that man is really swallowing his pride for me but I still can't help but think that he's just doing it all to get me back and when he does, he'll go right back to the same ol' John. I can't take him back.... even though I love him, I just can't do that right now. I have to look out ofr me and he already hurt me. He is being such a sweetheart and I will be friends with him because he is putting in some effort to prove things to me but I just don't think he will get me back any time soon. I have already made up my mind and I refuse to let anyone and I mean ANYONE hurt me ever again!!!!! If the guy cant treat me like the princess I am, then he's not even worthy of my time. I know he loves me, I know he cares about me... hell, I know he ADORES ME but I also kow that he hurt me and I can't seem to forget that. It wasn't the first time he's hurt me, but it was the worst!!!!!! :( :mad: I'm finally doing better and focusing on myself and bettering my life and I can't let him come back and ruin that for me. Not now, not any time soon.... he's gonna have to accept my friendship or not have me in his life at all!!!!! The balls in my court now and I'm the one with the upper hand here, things are gonna go MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!!!!!!! I can't have it any other way, for the protection of my heart and feelings!!!!! I know ya'll feel me!!!! Damn, this is REALLY HARD to do but I have to do what's right for me!!!! ;) When my friend told me all that John had to say, I honestly started to cry.... not because I was sad but because I love him so much and I so badly want to just go back with him.... but I can't and that is why I cried!!!! It's so hard to say no to the one that has your heart.... and it's even harder to try and take my heart back from him... but I can do this with the support of my peeps!!!!! I love you all and thank you all once again for EVERYTHING!!!!!! I couldn't be this strong if I didn't have such good people backing me up..... I owe my strength to all of you.... my support system and the VERY BEST ONE AT THAT!!!!!!!!! I couldn't have stood my ground without all of you here.... thank you SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!

Jess I am proud of you for real stay strong girlie don't let him break you down keep that pretty head up girlie