My story....
Early in December my boyfriends mother came up missing. My boyfriend helped to lead the search party for 3 weeks. A body was found and it was identified as his mom. Myself and several of our close friends attended the funeral. Later that evening as I waited for him to get home from being with his family, I watched on the 9oclock news a late breaking story.. I saw my boyfriend in handcuffs as they said that he had been arrested and confessed to the murder of his mother. I immediately was sick ... and so shocked. I didn't know what was happening. I had to take a leave of absence from work because I just couldn't function. I waited to hear something, from him, from his family.. but nothing. I couldn't bring myself to contact him. We had been together for 6 years and I all of a sudden had know idea who he was. After a month I decided I was strong enough to write. We have been writing for almost 2 months now. I'm going to see him for the first time over the weekend. To this day, I know nothing. His lawyer has told him not to discuss the case. He told me that he would tell me the whole story because I deserve to know, but I know that by me knowing anything it could jeopardize his case. His case goes before the Grand Jury today. Even as I write this, it doesn't seem real. I feel like i'm describing an espisode of "The Practice" or "law and order", not actual details from our life. The DA has offered a plea bargain of 30 yrs with no parole, but his lawyer advised him not to take it. What does that mean? His mother was a very messed up woman and I have no idea how any of this happened, but I had warned him many a time to get away and not get dragged into the sick life she was leading. I cry every day. It's a wonder some days that I can get out of bed. I read his letters over and over. I just feel so completely helpless and confused. I apologize for going on and on...
I just needed to vent I guess. It's nice to know there are other people that I can talk to. It really helps...

Keri

Keri,
welcome to PTO family. I cant amagine the pain that you must have felt and still feel. my heart goes out to you.

Keri,

I'm glad you found PTO.... I can't imagine the shock and confusion you felt when this all happened....and now the sadness. I hope that this weekend's visit goes well and you are able to make sense of what has happened. We're here for you so please continue to share.....

Deb

Keri~ I too am glad you found PTO. There is alot of support here. I feel for you. I too felt sick to my stomach when I first learned of my Ex's crime. But I loved him, so I can sort of feel what you are going thru. Please try and stay strong. I will pray your visit goes well and you will find the answers you are looking for.

Thank you all sooo much!

I am so glad you found PTO. It's a great site - thank you for opening up. Take it one day, one minute at a time. We are here for you.

Dear Keri,
Welcome to PTO... What a terrible shock for you. My heart also truly goes out to you.
Be strong girl even though it seem soo hard right now. Remember the love that bind you two together. Thats the most important thing right now. You know his heart no matter what kind of act he has done or why. I know you need a lot of answers - but be patient - you will know it all one day. Give yourself and him time to stop all the confusion you both have inside right now... I know it sound cruel - but no one can turn back time. Care about what happens right now.. not what could have been done instead. It will only drain your energy even more. You can be sure of he needs you more than ever now. Even if he might say he dont - he probably will because of shame and because he need to focus without feeling even more blaime. This is my guess - but he might ofcause react in another way. Stand by him if you can - BUT if you cant. Dont feel you have too!!! He made his choise in life. So will you.

I know you go through a terrible time right now.... My only little advice is not much only - remember to do at least one thing for yourself each day... for you only. It doesnt have to be anything big... just something that makes you feel good. It could be as small as a nice perfumed bath or so. It can help you through this... gaining your strenght back... even if it goes slow. Trust you WILL get through this!!!

I know you are probably going back and forth in your mind of what to do. Listen to your heart! Not what you think you are supposed to do - just your heart. And go slow.... in all your decision so you are sure about them.

When he is adviced not to take the plea bargain it kind of tells that his case is stronger than that and he might be better off with a jury. So I guess that is a good sign.


DO use PTO as much as you like. We all want you to get through this!!!

With much love

I am so sorry...I know that this has to be hard on you and the way that you found out...I am glad that you shared your story and are here with us on PTO right now...Keep faith...

my thoughts are with you...i'm so very sorry.

emme

wow.. I have been reading everyones stories and you all have so much strength. I hope some rubs off on me! Thank you all for your kind words and advice. It is much needed. Amazingly enough, every day does seem a little easier. It's the not knowing that is exhausting me right now. I hope to get to know you all better...

Keri

Keri- Welcome to PTo and know that we are now your extended family and you can count on us to be here for you through all of this- PLEASE do not hesitate to call on us if you need us-I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, and I know the "not knowing" has got to make it that much harder. Stay strong and lean on us when you need to. Welcome to the family!

Keri, welcome again to PTO, I'm so glad you found us and are here. First off, don't ever apologize for venting, rambling, crying, screaming, or anything else here - we've all been in similar situations, basically we're all in the same boat. That's what PTO's here for, the bad times and the good times. It's a great place for support and one thing you can count on here is understanding!

I am very glad to hear you finally were able to jump that hurdle and contact your boyfriend and write, and I'll tell you why it was a good thing... I know that hurdle well. Somewhere in the "Introductions" section is my own with the whole story, but the brief version I'll share with you here... where you are now reminds me all too well of where I was years ago in my own ball of confusion and torment.

My boyfriend, who at the time he committed his crime was just one of my very best and closest friends, is about to start on his 13th year of a 20 year sentence for murder. I couldn't deal with it for years and years, and I never knew what happened and what the real story was behind it, except for bits and pieces that various officials involved with the case told me at the time, and that wasn't enough to make his crime make any sense to me. I always knew in my heart that for something that terrible to have happened, there had to have been a good reason. I was confused and wanted answers, but instead I chose another road and ignored the whole thing and tried to put it behind me. There were a lot of other things going on at the time that had nothing to do with his crime, I was angry with him about some other things that nothing to do with his crime, and I just couldn't deal with any of it. I tried to make myself write him a couple of times, especially after he had written us (me and my ex, who was also his close friend), and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I chose to pretend he was as dead to me as any of my friends that have passed away, and in fact made that very statement to several people over the years. I couldn't deal with the fact that someone I loved had taken another person's life - that was incomprehensible to me, as it is to most people. Trying to get used to that fact alone is a kind of hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

It took me much longer than a month to get over and get past my inability to deal with what happened - in fact, it took me nearly ten years. Actually about seven or eight, because that's when I finally stopped being so angry about it all and started trying to sort out my emotions about it... and started trying to find out where he was, which took another two or so years. By the time I located him and contacted him for the first time, it was nearly ten years to the day he got locked up.

And I was, once I did, so sorry that it had taken so long. I wasted ten years being so angry and unable to deal with him, his crime, everything about it. If I had been able to get past all that more quickly, as you now have, I would have known the whole story years ago, and we wouldn't have been estranged all those years. I would have known that he did what he did only to save himself, for it's almost certain he would have been the one dead had he not. And, most importantly, I would have known that he was and is the same person I knew and loved before he committed his crime, not the monster that in those ten years I had convinced myself he was, and convinced myself that he was never the person I thought I knew. The healing process, for both of us, started immediately with our first letters to each other and within a few months, after slogging thru the leftovers of our shared past history and sorting all that out, we were able to put all that emotional baggage and garbage that stemmed from his crime and the period of time surrounding it behind us, and get on with getting to know each other again in the here and now as adults with a whole new friendship out of the ashes of the old, and for a couple of years the friendship just got closer and closer and stronger and better. Three years after I wrote that first letter, here I am... my formerly just-best-friend is not just my best friend but my boyfriend, and one I'll be happy to spend the rest of my life with should things work out that way.

I spent a good several hours' time right around Christmas last year reading the entire court record of his case. I could have been there at the time his case was going on; I chose not to at the time due to my inability to deal with it all, my horror at the fact my best friend had killed someone. If I could have just gotten over myself and all my messed-up-ness about it all then, I would have known there was no reason I shouldn't have stood by my friend and supported him then, thirteen years ago. I would have known everything about his case then as I do now, and would have made the same choice then as I have now with our relationship - to stick with him and this relationship no matter what. I could still kick myself sometimes for it. We were apart for over a decade, needlessly, because I just couldn't bring myself to deal with it all and make that first contact, write that first letter.

So I am so glad that you have made that first move, the kind of move I should have long ago, and that it only took you a month to do it. Eventually, whenever it is that you are able to find out and sort out for yourself the details of what happened with your boyfriend and his crime, there will probably come a point where you have to make a decision how you are going to proceed with your relationship with him, just like I did when I started finding out the answers to questions I should have asked thirteen years ago. But I say this with all certainty - no matter what decisions you wind up making, no matter how things go, making that first move, that first contact, writing that first letter was a POSITIVE move, a very positive step in the right direction.

My hope for you is that your communication with him will lead to the same sort of healing I was able to find with my then-friend now-boyfriend. Even if he & I had eventually drifted apart after that first year or so of sorting things out between us, the difference between my state of mind before our first communication and after was like the difference between being in hell and being in heaven. Our friendship becoming so much stronger in the process and evolving into the relationship we have today just turned out to be a nice added bonus!! With you starting out with a relationship in process already, with him as your boyfriend, I kinda feel like it's even more important that you two keep communicating and sort things out between you. This upcoming first visit of yours may seem a little overwhelming and anxiety-filled, but I can about guarantee you that when you get there you'll wonder what you were anxious about and any visits after that first one will be a piece of cake.

Stay strong, take things one day at a time, and especially concentrate on taking care of yourself and hang in there, things will likely be clearer and less confusing eventually. It took me so long to get to the point where you are now, so many years, so you, since you were able to make that first contact so much earlier than I did, you've got a GREAT start on the road to resolving this situation for yourself to something you can live with and be satisfied with. And hang around PTO! It's good medicine for the stuff that ails those of us with incarcerated loved ones... the best! :)

One more thing, I tend to agree with what Kristin said about him being advised not to plea bargain (that that's a good sign that his case is strong enough it might be better off before a jury). I'm certainly no expert, but in my guy's case he was advised the total opposite - take the plea bargain, that it was too big a chance to go before a jury. So I too think that's maybe a good sign. One can hope, anyway.

Again, welcome to PTO - hope to see you around a lot, and like Sherri said don't hesitate to call on us here at anytime, there's always plenty of folks around who understand and offer tremendous amounts of support and comfort when times are tough... as well as plenty of joking around and goofing off on the good days! And feel free to PM me at any time... even though I wasn't there from the beginning of my guy's legal battles, I've learned a lot about the ins and outs of dealing with a murder case and conviction since then. Whatever questions you might have I'll be glad to share any viewpoints and anything I've no idea about, I'd be happy to ask Brian what he thinks, just give me a shout... my PM box here on PTO is always open.

(EDITED: Moderator is moderating self (!) and previously posted e-mail address removed as per PTO policy)

Hang in there, Keri, and best wishes...
Lys

Dearest Keri

I too know the hurt that is in your heart right now.... But, I will advise you to not take anything for granted at this point until you do know the complete story in full. I will hold you in my prayers and thoughts...

May God Bless and Keep you Keri...
Donna

Keri-Welcome to Pto, you will find a lot of love and support here. You will be in my prayers. Hang in there girl. Love-Helen

glad you found pto there are plenty of people here that will suport you and help all throught htis hard time in your life you can talk to all of us as all of us have our own story to tell and believe me its a hard road you need to be stong and keep your faith take care you will be in my prayers as all are peace and love mary

And I thought that I was going through hard times in my life. I can NOT imagine what you must have felt when you saw your BF on the news. OH my GOSH! This is a great place to be when you need to talk to someone who understands. PM me anytime, ok?

Hi, I am sorry to hear what you are going through, everything will work out right if it was meant to be. Take care.

a most humble welcome.....my you find what it is you are looking for!

Alice

Keri... I'm sorry to hear about your pain :( to say that must be horrible would be a terrible understatement.. I cannot imagine what you're going through.
God bless you
**hugs**

Hi Keri, hang in there, I really understand what you are going through. My situation is almost the same but the person he was accused of murdering wasn't his mom. Still he was 15! I still shake when I remember the early days when I knew nothing. Hang in there hon, for me it has been 23 years and we are still together. Despite the insanity of the situation you can be happy. There are just more bumps to get over and most of them are not of your own doing. Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing as things progress... been there... shiningdrum

welcome to PTO!! I am ssoooo late on this post, I am sorry