Hello
I am having an extremely bad morning. It has been one week since my son was sentenced. I am so down ,I am scared that I won't ever be able to get out of this void that I feel.

Times like this I just want to give up and sit and wallow in my pain. I am trying to find the strength to pull myself together and get on into work. However, there is a part of me that just wants to crawl in bed and never get up.

I miss my son so much and it hurts so bad. Just when I think that I have no more tears to cry here they fall again. The helplessness that I feel is so huge that there are no words to describe the feeling.

In hind sight I am playing the what if game... what if we had a different lawyer, what if I would have sent him to Canada to stay with relatives, what if we would have went to trial and not taken a plea bargain, what if what if what if.....

Then I get on the kick of getting revenge-- what if... what if I ? Well I won't even go there. Ya just never know what one grieving mother is capable of . ( Am I crazy or are these normal thought processess?)

Do any of you feel guilty for being the one on the outside. Like if you smile you think OMG I should be grieving ... I am one sick puppy if I can smile when a tradgedy is happening in my life. ( Any one feel this way)

Please get back with me, this forum is my life line. Let me hear that I am not the only one with these feelings.

Susan

MY DEAREST SUSAN:

NO, HON, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH THESE FEELINGS.... MY SON BUTCH, HAS BEEN INCARCERATED FOR 12 YEARS..... I DID THE VERY SAME EXACT THINGS YOU ARE DOING NOW WHEN HE WAS GOING THROUGH HIS TRIAL AND WHEN HE WAS CONVICTED.... I HATED EVERYONE...I WITHDREW FROM PEOPLE IN GENERAL.... I TRUSTED NO ONE.... I WAS EVEN ANGRY WITH GOD FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN..... THEN, ONE DAY, I REALIZED, HEY DONNA, THIS IS GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR MIND STRAIGHT. I BECAME A DIABETIC DURING THIS PERIOD AND GOT VERY SICK... STRESS BECAME MY LIFE.... I NEVER LAUGHED BUT I CRIED CONSISTENTLY..... MY OTHER TWO SONS BECAME ANGRY WITH BUTCH AND WITH ME BECAUSE THEY BLAMED HIM FOR THE WAY I WAS... SO, I HAD A ROYAL BATTLE.....
THE WAY I PICKED MYSELF UP WAS I FOUND GOD.... FOR REAL.... HE HAS LED MY LIFE NOW FOR MANY YEARS. I CAN LAUGH, I CAN ENJOY PEOPLE AGAIN, I CAN HAVE FUN AGAIN AND ALL BECAUSE GOD HAS TAUGHT ME THAT THIS IS NOT MY FAULT... I BLAMED MYSELF INTENTLY BECAUSE THIS HAD HAPPENED..... I DID THE WHAT IF GAME TOO...... WE ALL DO.....

SUSAN, MY HUGS AND THE PEACE I HAVE LEARNED TO HAVE INSIDE ME I SEND TO YOU TODAY..... MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.... I PRAY FOR ALL OF YOU GIRLS A LOT BECAUSE I REALLY CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN....

MY LOVE
DONNA

Susan.....
OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
I think we still all go through those cycles, of asking "what if's" and of feeling guilty and helpless and depressed and powerless... I am sure this has probably got to be the worst time as you adjust to it, but unfortunately it probably won't be the LAST time... we all have our own little emotional rollercoaster...
I hope it helps a little to know you are NOT alone.... I have found that it also just helps to "vent" here, because people hear understand and are only going to give affirming feedback.... (unlike the "world" in general....)
Hang in there honey... there is a brighter day ahead....

susan you are not alone. my son is away for 13 months. a life time to me , i feel the same way i want to reach for the stars for someone to help, i feel so helpless and alone but i know that being with this family ogf people im not alone, so hang in there for yourson he needs you , god bless

I agree with the sentiments of everyone. You are not alone and this is a grief process. Vent when you need to - we'll listen, comfort you, and help to get through each day, one at a time. We're here for you and you and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Susan, the most important person right now is "YOU"! Your son is out of reach and the only way you can possible help him, is to stay healthy (mind and body). If you need some help, see your doctor, NO DISGRACE there!!!

Others have said that they KNOW what your going through, they have been there also. There here to support and help.

IMO, get a movie or watch a TV program that is funny and laugh you head off!! It's an excape and it "healthy"!! Helps clear the head, I think.

BRay... very good point about keeping ourselves healthy and how that really helps our loved ones!! As much as I sometimes feel guilty for having fun, I know JD always feels better if he knows I am OK... he worries terribly any time he knows things are wearing on me and I am stressed out or upset... (you are so insightful!!)
Susan, keep us posted on how things are going for you.... and let us know if we can do anything to help!

Hi Susan. I too have a son in prison. He is 18 years old but is very immature for his age. I figure he functions on about a 15-16 year old level. Nothing documented, never had him tested but that is just my gut feeling. I know what you are going through. My son is still in country prison, he hasn't been sentenced yet. I totally understand what you are going through. My son has been gone only a month and it seems like a year. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. I worry about him day and night. It is so hard, some days when I look back, I am amazed that I functioned, went to work, managed to eat, etc. I am so glad I found this forum. It helps to know that I am not alone in this. Maybe we can help each other through this. If you ever want to talk, just give me a hollar! :)

Susan--take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.. My husband was recently sentenced to 2 years and I feel like my wall has crashed around me. I am not comfortable even in my own home. And just when I think I am coping a little better, I feel worse. SOrt of like 2 steps foward one step back. What I do know is that this group of beautiful people has helped me in more ways than they will ever know. I encourage you to let your feelings out here-it is a safe place. And remeber- This Too Shall Pass!! If you ever need anything just send me an email!! BIG HUG!

HI Susan,
Well we all seem to be on the same boat here,I to have a son that is in prison, and he took a plea bargain. I have felt the same as you are feeling now. it has been nearly three years now. And everytime I leave him after a visit I cry, I don't know if I will ever get use to leaving him. My heart goes out to you and every one else that is feeling the pain of having a love one in prison. But we must hang in there, they need our strength. And remembr they will come home to us.
God Bless we are in this together.
MJ

i agree, mj....pto is a blessing to all of us. this site has been a real inspiration and eyeopener!

Susan you are not alone. I have two sons, both are in prison.
I know exactly how you feel. Somehow it will get better. This
site is great, stay with us. God bless you dear.
Valerie

SUSAN- I DO NOT HAVE A CHILD IN PRISON, BUT I DO HAVE A MAN I LOVE VERY MUCH THERE. I KNOW THE FEELING OF HELPLESSNESS, AND NOT WANTING TO GET OUT OF BED, THE GUILT FOR BEING ABLE TO WALK FREELY DOWN THE STREET AND SMILE ON A SUNNY DAY, THE DAY THAT SEEMS JUST A LITTLE BIT BETTER AND THEN THEN NEXT ONE THAT IS FULL OF TEARS--ALL OF US WITH A LOVED ONE IN PRISON HAVE EXPERIENCED SOME OR ALL OF THIS AND THAT IS WHY IT IS SO WONDERFUL TO HAVE PTO WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO REALLY DO KNOW AT LEAST TO SOME EXTENT WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. PEOPLE HERE REALLY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER AND CAN REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN EACH OTHER'S DAY! WE LOVE YOU GIRL-PLEASE COME TO US WHENEVER YOU NEED US.

I have the what ifs too. I guess if it was terminal I might be gone now. But I realized that I do have some responsibility in the whole thing and it dawned on me that if I lead by example, I have to take my part of responsibility. I could have done better but I can't change that now but if I take the responsibility for my part or my failure, he will too, because children do that well into adulthood. We can make a difference by the way we handle this and we really have no choice but to handle it or go under and then what good would we be so you start by going through the motions and if it starts to pay off, it gets easier. Not easy but easier. When I reached that part, I actually saw an acceptance in my son of what he had to do. He has no choice either if he's going to have a life. He is at peace with what he has to serve and now just wants to get it over with and get back to building a life.

Here you will find support and understanding. My faith has greatly increased since my son was sentenced for 35 months. We truly grieve and feel guilty. I have regrets in my parenting, but I cannot go back. I pray, pray, pray for my son. He has told us that he needed this incarceration to straighten him out. He knows he is a better person and will be a better person when he gets out. He has grown a lot! July 15, 2006, is in site now, and we are looking forward to it more than I can say. Hang in there because it does get easier, especially if you ready your Bible, vent, and pray, pray, pray!

Hi Susan,
I very much know what you are feeling. I don't know how long your son's sentence if for, but I pray that the time passes quickly. I too have felt those feelings of guilt (was I a bad parent? ). I also sometimes feel guilty for having the freedom that I do or buying something for myself, or eating what I want...but then I step back and say: Hey, I did what I thought was best as a parent and at some point it comes down to this:
your child has to take responsibility for their choices in life and they are now living those choices....They are no longer "children", but adults who made poor choices and now they have to pay the price. Do we want them to be where they are? Of course not. Do we wish they had done things differently. Yes, without a doubt. But you cannot blame yourself. We can only hope that things will someday be different for them and for us.
We love our sons (or daughters) no matter what they have done. That is part of being a Mom. Offer your son your love and support, but remember, you did not do the crime. Even though you may feel like you are suffering the punishment as much as he is. It is a cliche' I know to say "take time for yourself", but it is true. You have to find a way to live your life as best you can, because there are some things we cannot change and have no control over. Acceptance is a hard part of this for all of us I'm sure. I know it is for me, but I try to keep going through the motions the best I can. I hope you feel better soon.

this is a very old post. I would not recommend posting more to it and will take the latest one and start a new thread with it for her sake.

Oh my Gosh, Susan I agree with what everyone hear has said. My sons release date is 2016 and he is only 22 years old. I cry, get mad, wonder what if I raised him differently, spoiled him less, spoiled him more. But he made his own decisions and I do believe what the devil meant for evil God will turn it for good. You are not alone, we all know All of the feelings you are having. Hugs, Joni

Susan,
My heart goes out to you. My husband recently got out...a year and some months ago. He's had his struggles. One was his mom passed when he was inside. They would not let him attend her funeral.

Listen, woman, you are a very strong and loving mom. It's natural to go through what you're going through. But your son needs you. You need to take care of yourself.

Just now...there is nothing you can do for him besides take care of you, remember to breathe and remain positive in outlook.

Your son has a great, supportive mom. Many guys don't have that.

Where are you getting your support? Do you have any family who you can lean on?

When a loved on is locked up, there is always that shock to the system. the this can't be happening-not him....he's innocent, they can't lock him up.....what will we do....etc.

You will get through this and past this.

And yes, you will laugh at all the madness, and just sometimes because you want to and things are funny. There is always a glimmer of the rainbow just beyond.

Take care of you. Have a nice cup of coffee, read a book, and take your mind off things. You've done, for the moment, everything you can. You can't do more.

Take things one step at a time...and just be.

All the best,
hugs,
Fyre

hi susan and though I am sorry about your son, I am so glad you found us. know that here you will find understanding (we all live there ! ) encouragement (you will be ok), support and prayers. this is such a hard journey. I think we have all asked the questions about 'why', is it my fault, etc. I think when God created us, He knew some of us would need extra strength and endurance to run this race of life.
like budwoman says.. Faith helps. I was a Christian long before this, but when my son went to prison this time.. for 25-life, I think was the real test for me. God in His loving way, gave me a year to cry, to grieve, even to question Him. (God do you really know what you are doing)... for that year, my heart hurt 24/7. the hardest parts were his kids. still is hard for them but we are all working thru this process and journey.
God has a plan and purpose for us all, and when our kids make decisions that can really mess up their lives, our lives, instead of woe is me... Thank Him because He is already beginning to work in their lives. they need to reach bottom before they can look up. they have to accept their responsibility that they are there because of choices they made. you have no guilt.
dont give up. your son needs you. your other kids need you too. stand by your son. love him unconditional. you will see an end to your journey. you will be fine.

we are here for you whenever you need us. alone, it is nearly impossible to make this journey. but together, we can because we bolster each other and the Lord walks with us. He will never fail us, nor abandon us.

d'gal