Luvudinky
03-16-2003, 04:13 PM
I want to thank all the people that contributed to these pages. It is taking a lot for me to share what I am going thru. I currently am in an abusive relationship. I have been with this man for over 8 years. I have an older daughter from a previous marriage, I was pregnant with twin daughters when I met him, and had another daughter with him. One of my twin daughters died in an accident at age 4 1/2 in the year 2000.
I am emotionally, verbally and physically abused. I am almost 31 years old now, I was 22 went I met him. I had a nice house, a harley, a Trans-Am, I owned a Resturant/Bar. I had so much self esteem. I was capable of doing anything.
He was nice (of course) when we met. He always seemed to be there for me when I needed someone or something. He started telling me how nobody else is trully there for me like he is. I then caught a case and was sentenced to six months. I avoided turning myself in, but on X-mas Eve 1996, I was caught. He never emotionally supported me while I did time, but I thought he was such a great guy because he cared for my two twin daughters who were only 16 months old. But later, he would always use that against me.
Everything seemed to happen so quickly in the beginning. I remember the first couple fights we had I was absolutely horrified by the things he said and did. I would cry and apologize. He was a drinker, I was a drug addict. I quit doing dope after I got out of jail. Our relationship was pretty o.k for a couple months. I started drinking with him, occasionaly and we had some good times. Well, to make a long story longer, it is about 5 years later and now I think I am just as bad as he is. Instead of crying and apologizing, I say terrible things back to him. It is like I have become hard and numb. I'm tore down emotionally I have become a shell of a person. I feel so numb. I was convincing myself that he cant hurt me anymore. So I started fighting back, which escalated our fights into a higher level. If he shoves me, I shove him back. Of course I always end up flat on my back with him choking me. He breaks all my stuff, throws my stuff into my swimming pool (phones, computer, purse, etc.). He tells me that I have a big fat ass, nobody would want to be with me, lazy, stupid, etc. I know these things aren't true but hearing them over & over for so long it starts to tear the spirit down.
To bring things up to date, an argument esculated three weeks ago. It was late and we had both been drinking. I decided to go to bed. He continued to verbally abuse me and antagonise me. I pulled the blanket over my head. He punched a glass clock and then smeared and dripped the blood all over my room and me. This went on for hours.
That night, I shot him. I wasn't sure if I meant to, but it happened. The .45 caliber bullet when thru his knee and out his leg. I need to say that from the time the bullet went off until I realized what had happened, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. I saw my children's faces. It was like the world stood still. I was not charged, but from that moment I realized I had to change things, I have to leave.
As far as getting help from friends and family, for so many years I was so confused I would hang on anybodys ear that would listen. I'm sure people got sick of hearing it, I was sick of hearing myself. I cried wolf too many times. He is so sincere when I go to leave. I can't stop asking: How is he so much smarter than I? I believe myself to be a fairly intelligent person. How does he always get one over on me? I never dealt with a relationship like this before.
He never smiled at me anymore. If he looked at me at all, it is in disgust.
I have identified the situation. I believe I have the strength and confidence to leave - Here is the part I can't overcome.
I got myself a job recently. I feel that I am making a decent wage, enough to survive. My credit is ruined (I have been slowly fixing it). My brother tells me to come stay with him, but I don't want to burden anybody. I keep thinking I got myself in to this, I will get myself out. I tolerated it for all these years and allowed it, it's no bodies problem but mine. I can't seem to let anybody help me. I don't want to drag my children to some shelter, take them out of school. I know it seems that anything would be better than this. But I have made everything appear normal for so long with the 4 bedroom house, swimming pool, dinner on the table, etc. I can never seem to save money, he charges me for 1/2 the rent and utilities (but the amount changes monthly). My car is barely running, expired tags, no insurance. My fear is that I will leave and not be prepared and that he will be the only one there to help, rescue, save me again like in the beginning. I don't know why I feel like this. I left my parents home when I was 16, had my daughter at 17, and have always made it on my own. I don't want to latch on to another man and use him. I just want to do things right.
I am saddend that I cannot make this relationship work.
He has a lot of good things about him, but that does not make up fo all the bad.
I even tried understanding why he was like this - what made him this way. It was clearly his father. But he is an adult (19 years older than me) and needs to be accountable.
I fear that I am turning out just life him.
Anyhow, I write this for positive and constructive input.
I thank you for having a place for me to post this.
I am emotionally, verbally and physically abused. I am almost 31 years old now, I was 22 went I met him. I had a nice house, a harley, a Trans-Am, I owned a Resturant/Bar. I had so much self esteem. I was capable of doing anything.
He was nice (of course) when we met. He always seemed to be there for me when I needed someone or something. He started telling me how nobody else is trully there for me like he is. I then caught a case and was sentenced to six months. I avoided turning myself in, but on X-mas Eve 1996, I was caught. He never emotionally supported me while I did time, but I thought he was such a great guy because he cared for my two twin daughters who were only 16 months old. But later, he would always use that against me.
Everything seemed to happen so quickly in the beginning. I remember the first couple fights we had I was absolutely horrified by the things he said and did. I would cry and apologize. He was a drinker, I was a drug addict. I quit doing dope after I got out of jail. Our relationship was pretty o.k for a couple months. I started drinking with him, occasionaly and we had some good times. Well, to make a long story longer, it is about 5 years later and now I think I am just as bad as he is. Instead of crying and apologizing, I say terrible things back to him. It is like I have become hard and numb. I'm tore down emotionally I have become a shell of a person. I feel so numb. I was convincing myself that he cant hurt me anymore. So I started fighting back, which escalated our fights into a higher level. If he shoves me, I shove him back. Of course I always end up flat on my back with him choking me. He breaks all my stuff, throws my stuff into my swimming pool (phones, computer, purse, etc.). He tells me that I have a big fat ass, nobody would want to be with me, lazy, stupid, etc. I know these things aren't true but hearing them over & over for so long it starts to tear the spirit down.
To bring things up to date, an argument esculated three weeks ago. It was late and we had both been drinking. I decided to go to bed. He continued to verbally abuse me and antagonise me. I pulled the blanket over my head. He punched a glass clock and then smeared and dripped the blood all over my room and me. This went on for hours.
That night, I shot him. I wasn't sure if I meant to, but it happened. The .45 caliber bullet when thru his knee and out his leg. I need to say that from the time the bullet went off until I realized what had happened, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. I saw my children's faces. It was like the world stood still. I was not charged, but from that moment I realized I had to change things, I have to leave.
As far as getting help from friends and family, for so many years I was so confused I would hang on anybodys ear that would listen. I'm sure people got sick of hearing it, I was sick of hearing myself. I cried wolf too many times. He is so sincere when I go to leave. I can't stop asking: How is he so much smarter than I? I believe myself to be a fairly intelligent person. How does he always get one over on me? I never dealt with a relationship like this before.
He never smiled at me anymore. If he looked at me at all, it is in disgust.
I have identified the situation. I believe I have the strength and confidence to leave - Here is the part I can't overcome.
I got myself a job recently. I feel that I am making a decent wage, enough to survive. My credit is ruined (I have been slowly fixing it). My brother tells me to come stay with him, but I don't want to burden anybody. I keep thinking I got myself in to this, I will get myself out. I tolerated it for all these years and allowed it, it's no bodies problem but mine. I can't seem to let anybody help me. I don't want to drag my children to some shelter, take them out of school. I know it seems that anything would be better than this. But I have made everything appear normal for so long with the 4 bedroom house, swimming pool, dinner on the table, etc. I can never seem to save money, he charges me for 1/2 the rent and utilities (but the amount changes monthly). My car is barely running, expired tags, no insurance. My fear is that I will leave and not be prepared and that he will be the only one there to help, rescue, save me again like in the beginning. I don't know why I feel like this. I left my parents home when I was 16, had my daughter at 17, and have always made it on my own. I don't want to latch on to another man and use him. I just want to do things right.
I am saddend that I cannot make this relationship work.
He has a lot of good things about him, but that does not make up fo all the bad.
I even tried understanding why he was like this - what made him this way. It was clearly his father. But he is an adult (19 years older than me) and needs to be accountable.
I fear that I am turning out just life him.
Anyhow, I write this for positive and constructive input.
I thank you for having a place for me to post this.