hi, my fiance is doin 2-4 for what happened between us....qickly i got a ride home with a guy cuz i was intoxicated..he had to use my bathroom so i went in first....next thing i know my fiance came at me...shattered my jaw and choked me for what seemed like forever....well my fiance at that time had a drug problem and had been using....i didnt want to press charges but state picked it up....he was facing 15 years...well many incidents occurred and it seemed like it was only when he was using....i was naive for i have never takin drugs and not sure of symtoms...i thought i could help him upon finding out....anyways i know what hes like when he seems to not be using....but im not sure....dumb huh? everyone says i am makin excuses for him and that he will kill me...i dont beleive this to be true....i know he loves me.....he always has the nicest things to say....hes perfect andi dont think i could find anybody else like him....since he has been in jail and prison we have gotten alot closer...is this just jail talk or could it be real...is he gonna get out and kill me or something....i did testify against him cuz if i didnt da said i would lose my children....but i love him so much...and everything seems just the way it hould be since hes been locked up....can anyone give me advice...i hope this makes sense if not please ask questions...for i have never been in this situation...my father who has been a prison guard for over 25 years thinks it is just prison talk that he has seen it for years...and h has my family fearing for my life...he says that he is only getting me to where he wants me.....

How long have you been with this guy and how long before you know he had a problem did he this? Is this the first time he's put his hands on you? Do you see a difference in his personality on and off drugs? Are you afraid he'll get out and use again when he gets out? Your father has a point. My problem with this is that he hurt you an could have killed you. You have to think of your children in this matter. He very well may change, but you don't know that. I can't and won't tell you you need to stop seeing him. From my own experience people that use are in pain mentally and emotionally. Things in their past that haunt them and they don't know how to cope and haven't found a way to cope. The way they do is with drugs. This is my own experience with family. You can chose to believe him and not try to see him for who he really is or put on blinders and not see anything but what you want to see and hear. I've delt with the jail hhouse talk and it's just that talk. All to get money or other things while there locked up. All of them aren't like that but you have to decide for yourself. I couldn't stay with a man that hurt me physically or mentally for that matter. But for him to almost kill me he would never see me again and no even in his dreams. I pray that you make the best decision for you and your kids. they need you more then an abuser. Good luck.

well no it wasnt the first time he choked me but was the first time he hit me...i thnk i can see a difference when hes using but not sur cuz i dont know if it was the drugs or personality....he is also an ex marine so not sure if that can do something to somebody....my first visit he kissed me so hard for not coming earlier that he actually drew blood....i do love him...god this is so hard....he says this experience has changed him....why does he have to say all the ight things?....i think i have low self esteem.....he is so goodlooking and spent years modeling and sining...i for one would never thpought i could get a guy like that...i like that everyone knows him....when hes good hes really good...and iam afraid of him....hes always thinkin im doin something wrong and im not...before he went in i could not do anything without him....very controlling and possesive...it made me feel like he really loved me...for i too always wanted to be with him....hard to explain....all i know is that too many people telling me i am razy and asking me why.....

I think you know the answer to your question already. Honey this isn't love, it's abuse. Please do what you need to do and get away from this guy. Why do you want someone you are afraid of? What kind of life is that for you and your kids? I know it's hard I've been there. The best thing I ever did for myself and my kids was to finally get up the courage to leave. It wasn't easy and it took awhile to build my self esteem and confidence back up, but you will be amazed at the changes in you once you no longer have to be afraid and are away from the accusations and put downs. You can do it and you can be happy..you just have to make the choice to do the work needed. If you need to talk or need some emotional support I'm just a pm away. Good luck to you.

a man who loves you would NEVER EVER make a mark on you, physically or otherwise.... a man who loves you would never THINK of causing you harm and would NEVER EVEr allow himself to do it in the first place... a man who loves you will not ever keep you from being you or hold you back from being happy...
I know I have been there.... I was marreid to a man that did not love me.. he never loved me and he cannot ever love me... because he broke something in me the way he treated me (viciously emotional and physical abuse with a lot of abandoning). I dont konw if i could ever really trust a man again... but I still try... it just hasnt happened after 10 years of being away from that one... I have only found any sort of real connection with guys who are somehow as screwed up as I am.... and I find them in the strangest of places....

I think you already know, honey.

every woman in an abusive situation always clings to every what if, cos deep down he isn't a bad person. they aren't bad. they are just controlling, needy, violent, and a list of other things.

these behaviors usually cause us girls to want to find a reason as to why. and usually we think that we are at fault. "if I wouldn't- he wouldn't have" and that sort of thing.

yes we take resposiblilty for the abusers actions. we love them. we want them to be ok. we know they can be ok, no matter how short the ok spell is, we do have that minute amount of control.... but is it worth it?

I have had friends murdered by their husband. I have an ex that killed his girl then himself. I know friends who continue 'abusive' realtionships and I myself have been beaten senseless by someone I loved. I just wanted to share the few things in common I have witnessed.

now, for you- what do you see for yourself with him? can you manage a pattern of violence will you continue to find things to blame *if he didn't drink, if only the bathroom sink wasn't filthy, if his mother had only raised him* cos choking, to me- isn't an appropriate way of communicating ones needs. there is -

never a valid reason to choke, punch, kick, or spit at anyone you love.

it's hard to find that realization. you don't want to lose him or let him go, I understand. but sometimes, we have to.

ok, off my soap box. take care of yourself dantegurl~

I agree with the posters above. You know the answer already. He isnt right for you. You need to think of your children. Dont put your kids in that situation. Nobody deserves to be hit. I have never been in a relationship like that but i grew up with an abusive father. All i can say is that i wished my mom would have left many times. He even pulled a gun on her once (it wasnt loaded) but we didnt know that. Its horrible to be a kid growing up in that situation. Please think of your children. Dont take the risk of him doing this to you again. Its not worth it. If you ever need to talk PM ME.

Pebbles

I agree with the other posts, that you know your answer. Every decision you make MUST be to increase you and your children's safety. In domestic violence there is a cycle of abuse: the honeymoon phase, followed by the tension building phase, followed by the battering phase, followed by the honeymoon phase, and on and on. Keep in mind that as the violence progresses through these phases it typically gets worse. Learn your own self-worth, develop a safety plan. You are too valuable to be a victim of violence. Try to find some support in your area - maybe start by calling a local shelter to inquire about groups and therapy. You are valuable!

i dont know how to answer this... although my man(ex..never officially broke up im hiding out) has hit me... beat me the fuck up.. but ive done the same. and i disagree when saying if they love you they wont hit you. bc i have left worst marks on him and broke his nose.. an i love him more then life itself.. and no matter what i always will. he was a wonderfull man.. you just have to learn quik when it comes to men like that.. know what triggers that side of him. im not saying its right to be in that type of relationship..but i now its easier said than done. and alot easier if he is in jail.. mine is 3 miles down the road... call me crazy.. but love him...takes everything i have..and thats not even enough... the help of freinds..i havent really been alone in a month. b./c they dont want me calling him and goig back... maybe what im saying isnt the best advice... but i do think itsgood to have a different opinion... i amjust as lost and confused as you.. bc once they yelling is done and he apologizes and holds you.. the anger and pain goes away. you might physically hurt..but your not even thinking its bc of him...

OK, I will be blunt in my opinion. This is only so you can get this thing the frist time.
He is an abuser. Plain and simple. Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? If the answer is yes then you need to be thinking about yourself without thinking about him. You can and will do better if you let him go. He may very well kill you. Being in prison is not rehabilitation fron drug and alcohol abuse. When he comes out he WILL use again if he don't get into a structured environment that educate and focus on substance abuse. Then he needs to want to get help for domestic abuse. Not becasue of what he did to you, but because he wants to help himself.
Sometimes we teach people how to treat us. What is it that you don't like about yourself? Gurl, love yourself today. Love don't hit no one. Keep that in mind. Only you can save you from this. And if you don't learn anything from this experience, you'll attract the same type of guy over and over again. Had it been me, the first time would have been the last time. Along with knots up side his head. So, love yourself, get information on Domestic Abuse and believe the facts. Getting high is just an excuse to hit. I love you girl and a High Power does too. Love do not hit!!!! Usually, women who remain in these type relationships or marriages have low self-esteem. Love yourself today. You don't need that type of so called love to validate being loved. Peace and wishing you well in your decision.

OK, I will be blunt in my opinion. This is only so you can get this thing the frist time.
He is an abuser. Plain and simple. Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? If the answer is yes then you need to be thinking about yourself without thinking about him. You can and will do better if you let him go. He may very well kill you. Being in prison is not rehabilitation fron drug and alcohol abuse. When he comes out he WILL use again if he don't get into a structured environment that educate and focus on substance abuse. Then he needs to want to get help for domestic abuse. Not becasue of what he did to you, but because he wants to help himself.
Sometimes we teach people how to treat us. What is it that you don't like about yourself? Gurl, love yourself today. Love don't hit no one. Keep that in mind. Only you can save you from this. And if you don't learn anything from this experience, you'll attract the same type of guy over and over again. Had it been me, the first time would have been the last time. Along with knots up side his head. So, love yourself, get information on Domestic Abuse and believe the facts. Getting high is just an excuse to hit. I love you girl and a High Power does too. Love do not hit!!!! Usually, women who remain in these type relationships or marriages have low self-esteem. Love yourself today. You don't need that type of so called love to validate being loved. Peace and wishing you well in your decision" " i disagree again... but its only natural to have diff opinions. i have a vey high self-esteem... i just so happened to fall in love with a man that has a more violent way of dealing with things.. these men are not mosters.... they just deal with problems..diff... not givig them an exuse or reason... love is a powerfull and blinding thing.. i havent regreted one thing... or person ive been with.. you dont attract those men.. not looking for the wfe-beater type. its something that happens... that side usually doesnt show until both sides are comfortable.. andvery mch involved... but mayb what i am saying is wrong.. i know its not good to be n that type of relationship...but once love gets in the middle... telling her to just leave.. its not that easy.. if my child was ever hit.. thats a diff. story...

When do you take what you have, and say thats enough? When will you truely...know, trust and believe in your heart and mind that he will never be "Mr.Nice" all of the time? How do you go on, without dignity, pride, or any sense of self, at all, to pave a new road with? I dont know. What I do know, is after 12 years in a 12 step program, a life full of unfortunate events, miricals, and more unfortunate events...Here I stand, at the crossroad. I have seen SO many men change over the years that I was clean....Their whole lives! Ive watched so many miricals take place in recovery that it leaves me hopeful, for everyone. People DO change, Ive seen it with my own two eyes. I have also seen many people fall.....such as myself. After 12 years clean, and 12 years in a semi functional marriage...I found myself divorced, loaded and with a man who has no idea whatsoever what 12 Step recovery is, and has been in and out of prison for the last 11 years. Who also is very insecure, jealous, mean and yes.....violent. Who would have guessed that out of all of the women he has a past with...I would be the one he loved the most?? Who would have guessed that I was the only one he EVER proposed marriage too?? Who would have guessed that I was also the only one he ever hit, kicked, spit on, and beat the crap out of??? NOT ME!! I also "ratted him out" to his parole agent, he was out of control with drugs and was only coming home to hit on me at one point. He did a 4 month violation, I had to recant my story to the parole board so he wouldnt do 11 years if the DA picked up the case. I too, didnt think he deserved to do so much time, because he was on drugs. Parole didnt make him do a program of any kind...and when he got out, we got married right away. (and I still dont feel insane for doing it!!):( The next 11 months of my life was quite the roller coaster ride....AND yes, this time, I hit him too:angry: !! Do I feel that justifys anything?? NO I DO NOT! Im 5'4" and 120 lbs he is 6'7" and 227lbs!! I shouldnt have to fight back, he has no business laying hands on me!! I have heart though, and I finally realized that no matter what I did, I was going to get it, so......I was damned good and well gonna earn it!! The point of my story I guess is this......Ive heard soooooooo many people that have been married for 25+ years say to me that they have been through the WORST of times, that they beat eachother up, pulled guns, knives and anything else that wasnt nailed down on eachother...they cheated, they lied and they lied about lieing.......some of them even seperated and got with other people for a period of time...But they stuck with it, and GOT HELP and have lived happily ever since. Ive heard alot of people cut and run from the first sign of abuse that say that they are happy too. I think the key word is GOT HELP. I too, am in the shoes that you stand in. My whole family, all of my friends, his entire family, friends and homeboys all tell me to cut and run. Im hurt, confused, angry as hell, and disappointed beyond what I ever thought humanly possible. :banghead: I am NOT, and NEVER have been a woman who's husband hits her!!! :eek: I was a strong, confident woman, who sought validation from NO man!!:nono: How is it that this man has captured every part of my being:bow: by taking so much, and giving so little?? I dont know, he doesnt know, nobody knows. I am attending codependency classes and a womans impowerment group at the battered womans shelter in my town, to find answers to all of these questions......and ways to CHANGE ME, just incase he doesnt change. I dont ever want to feel this kind of pain again...EVER!! He has a list of things to do, to prove himself...#1. He is to go directly to a impatient, long term drug treatment program when he is released in 14 months. #2 anger management. #3 Marriage counseling #4 Parenting
and anything else I can think of between now and that time.:blah: The first sign that he's slipping up...I pray that I will have the courage and strength I need to cut my own path, far away from here!! I will not let him come home to me, in my home...unless he has first completed at least a 6 month inpatient and is participating in outpatient. He says he will, He says he is never going back to prison again, he says he has a drug, and anger problem...He has never admitted any of this in the past, he has never minded going to prison in the past and he has never wanted any kind of help from any program. But, he also never hit anyone before me. So, who's to say??? Not me. not you. not them.....I think there is only ONE who has all power, that one, is GOD...... May you find him now!!
Peace be with you on your journey, keep me posted. I hope that you can use some of this, I hope it works for me as well. (((((((((HUGS TO YOU)))))))))) I know how very much of them we both need right now. :cry:

Using or not no one has the right to choke, hit, pinch or bite. Please get yourself help while he is gone. I can't tell you what to do but if this was me and it was a few years ago walk away no wait run from him while he is locked up.. He kissed you so hard to drew blood !!! That is not what a kiss is suppose to do. Please do what is best for yourself and your kids. Your kids don't need to see mommy getting slap around it really does cause damage to them..

It's Abuse.wow,is It.

Tiffany, i did not say those men are monsters. And for one, I know that one hit is one too many. Blind love? I don't know what that is since I love myself enough to know that if a man do bodily harm to me, it's over. That's just for me. And if he hit's you and your kids Know, that's just like hitting them as well. They are affected by the violence. Even if they have not seen it, they sense something is wrong. Children just have that gift. :( All it takes is one hit or one choke to crippple a person or even kill them. That's a heavy risk to take and call it love. I'll repeat, LOVE DON'T HIT. Like someone said here, get some help for yourself while he is in prison. You asked for opinions/advise, you got it. No harm from me intended. May the spirit guide you to healthy relationships. You are in my prayers. Peace

there is help out there ..... love isnt a boxing match. I know i have fought back... and I dont think it was because i enjoyed it or thought it was a loving gesture.
there is a difference between a relationship and hostage situation.


i dont know how to answer this... although my man(ex..never officially broke up im hiding out) has hit me... beat me the fuck up.. but ive done the same. and i disagree when saying if they love you they wont hit you. bc i have left worst marks on him and broke his nose.. an i love him more then life itself.. and no matter what i always will. he was a wonderfull man.. you just have to learn quik when it comes to men like that.. know what triggers that side of him. im not saying its right to be in that type of relationship..but i now its easier said than done. and alot easier if he is in jail.. mine is 3 miles down the road... call me crazy.. but love him...takes everything i have..and thats not even enough... the help of freinds..i havent really been alone in a month. b./c they dont want me calling him and goig back... maybe what im saying isnt the best advice... but i do think itsgood to have a different opinion... i amjust as lost and confused as you.. bc once they yelling is done and he apologizes and holds you.. the anger and pain goes away. you might physically hurt..but your not even thinking its bc of him...

Now that I think about it, there WAS abuse in mine and my guy's relationship prior to his being arrested and incarcerated. It was a part of the downhill spiral of our relationship, which involved alcohol and drugs. Now that we have our own Staying Healthy Plans (we see our own therapists and treatment plans, we treat each other with major love and respect) we won't tolerate that kind of stuff from each other again. Hitting ANYONE is not acceptable under any circumstances.

Oh hunny you have to get out of this cycle. He's the protege of a typical manipulative DV case...and when he gets out the cycle is going to continue. He'll be sweet, then possesive, then abusive, then sorry, and it goes on and on. You testified against this man. There is some resentment stored away, and I think he's playing you hard!:mad: I understand why women stay sometimes, and the main reason for you is because you love who he is when he's not on drugs. You need to get some counseling...and now! It will truly open your eyes to how awful this situation can get. You can't guarantee what he's going to do when he gets out or how he's going to act. You have kids to worry about, and if you put them back in a dangerous situation, who knows what can happen to you or them. Do you really want to run the risk of being hurt or possibly killed by this man?:confused: Besides if the cycle does start again...which I'm 95% sure it will, if the DA finds that you cannot protect your children and you went back with this man...that's grounds for removing the children from the home. I hope you leave this man. Looks are nothing when he's controlling and manipulative. I would rather have an ugly man who treats me like a queen:) , then a fine one who beats up on women.:blah: Good luck chick!:)

i dont know how to answer this... although my man(ex..never officially broke up im hiding out) has hit me... beat me the fuck up.. but ive done the same. and i disagree when saying if they love you they wont hit you. bc i have left worst marks on him and broke his nose.. an i love him more then life itself.. and no matter what i always will. he was a wonderfull man.. you just have to learn quik when it comes to men like that.. know what triggers that side of him. im not saying its right to be in that type of relationship..but i now its easier said than done. and alot easier if he is in jail.. mine is 3 miles down the road... call me crazy.. but love him...takes everything i have..and thats not even enough... the help of freinds..i havent really been alone in a month. b./c they dont want me calling him and goig back... maybe what im saying isnt the best advice... but i do think itsgood to have a different opinion... i amjust as lost and confused as you.. bc once they yelling is done and he apologizes and holds you.. the anger and pain goes away. you might physically hurt..but your not even thinking its bc of him...

I was in the same kind of relationship and thought it was love! When you really find love, you will see that it wasn't love! Love doesn't make you walk on eggshells!

:gasp: oh my GOODNESS!! This is so horrible!! Honey that is ABUSE - i can't even comprehend that sort of abuse! You need to stay FAR FAR away from any & every man who treats you with such disrespect! You DESERVE to be loved - NOT beaten & choked!

You already know the answer to this question. You need to cut him loose. As big as my husband is (6'8, over 200 lbs) I know he could do some serious damage to me because of some of the stupid things I've done but he's never put his hands on me. NEVER. And for his own sake he better not. No matter what you did or who was in your house he had NO reason to put his hands on you. Drugs or no drugs........there's no excuse and you know it. I'm sure you know that DV cases are no joke and I'm also sure that you're now aware that the police don't play with things like that. If you don't feel like you're worth saving then fine but at least get your children out of that type of situation. You're an adult and you can take care of yourself but they can't. Do what's right for them and leave.

i dont think you are being dumb. he just needs to get help and stick with it. if he is fine when he is sober and it is a chemically induced rage, then yes i think there is grounds to work with. he just HAS to be willing to get some help. the only thing about this that would really get to me would be the jealousy...that stays with you...drunk or sober.

i have to agree with the other posters. however, he isn't the only one who needs help...you do too. this relationship is not healthy at all...i know it's easier said than done...but you can get over it...*hugs*

"He's perfect"???? At what, trying to kill you?

It's abuse. Whether the drugs add on isn't the question. How many men do you know who are drunk or high all the time but have never, never hit anyone? Lots. They're two separate problems, and the addiction is the easier one to cure. Very very few abusive men ever make it through the programs/therapy they need, and even then they are rarely completely safe to love. Whatever you do, DON'T take any programs with him - take your own, and don't tell him what you're doing. He will inevitably use it against you.

One more point - and tiffany, this is for you too - you said "if my kid were hit, that would be a different thing" - what if your kid, following the example he/she was raised with were the one doing the hitting? Is that the kind of example you want in front of them as they grow?

Last thing before I climb down, :-) when I started getting out of my abusive relationship I found this quote, and it made me laugh outright:

"I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here!"

Peace

It's abuse. Whether the drugs add on isn't the question. How many men do you know who are drunk or high all the time but have never, never hit anyone? Lots. They're two separate problems, and the addiction is the easier one to cure. Very very few abusive men ever make it through the programs/therapy they need, and even then they are rarely completely safe to love. Whatever you do, DON'T take any programs with him - take your own, and don't tell him what you're doing. He will inevitably use it against you.

One more point - and tiffany, this is for you too - you said "if my kid were hit, that would be a different thing" - what if your kid, following the example he/she was raised with were the one doing the hitting? Is that the kind of example you want in front of them as they grow?

Last thing before I climb down, :-) when I started getting out of my abusive relationship I found this quote, and it made me laugh outright:

"I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here!"

Peace
Nimuay, I love the quote......it's so real, so sad and funny at the same time!! (((hugs))) This thread really touches my heart, I cry everytime I check on it. Im so afraid of the pain I will feel if I let him go, yet equally afraid of the pain I may feel if I dont...Trapped in confusion and self doubt, riddled with anger and insanity...At this point in my life I can only let go and ask God to do for me, what I clearly, cannot do for myself. Thank you, everyone for your posts to this thread, I no longer feel isolated and powerless because of all of you.:thumbsup:

Sweetie, it is pure abuse and my heart goes out to you for what your going through. The pain you go through if you let him go, is nothing to the pain you will go through if you stay with him. I'm sorry, but i've been there and none of us deserve that kind of shit, there is no excuse for it. I'm not saying he can't change because he can, anyone can change if they look at theirselves honestly, but it seldom happens with an abuser. Please talk to someone and get the facts on dv.

;) My two young daughters came from a very violent smooth talking violent man. I knew alot of his history, not that it makes it true, however the horrific tales came from somewhere. I felt sorry for him. My first divorce, ( I call it that cause if I had been married I wouldn't of gotten divorced, so I've never been married! HA HA ), anyways also a violent man. The severity of abuse is frighting, I've live it all my life. My first step-divorce,(my moms second divorce), also a very violent man. It has taken years of trying to come to terms with the affects of abuse. It seems never ending. Somewhere along the way I hope you take time to hear your own feelings, deal with your own personal trauma before making a decision about loving someone who would ever want to hurt you! You are you, learn to love yourself, lifes toughest lesson for those who love willingly!

Hun I think you need to give your head a shake...Love don't hit you love don't bring you down....YOU SHOULD NEVER BE AFRAID OF LOVE! I know what its like to be smacked around and the thing is all that talk when he is in jail is cause he don't want to be alone he wants total control when hes in and out...drugs shmugs seriously...no one can be helped unless they want to be helped and its a vicous circle of abuse i been in it and i got out...and when your on the outside looking in you see it all a whole lot clearer!

the reason why you two get along so good now, thats because he is not there, I feel you on the part about drugs, let me tell you if its meth that demon does something crazy to people using it, but to guys young ones it seems to do worse, it puts there brain very unbalanced and every emotion is to an extreme. when my man would be coming down he was very angry, nothing I said was okay, and everything I did caused suspicion. I know you want to believe that everything is goin to work out and hey I've seen people come out stay out and remain happy with their families. I know that God is the only real answer to all things... My friend her name was Michelle was a beautiful 22 yr old with a 2 year old baby girl. One night I seen her at a friends house, we were catching up and laughing and listening to "something, something by Keith sweat, it was new then, anyways her old man kept on starting crap with her so she said for me to walk with her to the bathroom, I asked her she was scares of him she admitted she was, he came to the bathroom kicked in the adoor and I had my heavy flashlight in my bag and I pulled it out to protect us and she screamed begged me not to, said she had to go now. Thats the last time I ever seen her in person, the next time I seen her was 3 days later, her body was on the news....he had invited her to dinner, picked her up at her moms where she moved next day after I had seen her. Well her and her 2 yr, old which was his baby all went to a supposedly dinner. He drove her to some vinyards in a rural area and evidence showed that she and him got off as to stand outside the car and he walked to the trunk took out a tool and beat her to death and the baby seen it all. This guy drives the baby back to her moms lies and says that Michelle got mad at him at the dinner table and he was going to go look for her, the baby however kept saying "mama in the mud, mama dirty" Well my neice calls me up and asks me if i am sitting down, she tells me to put on the news, and there was a photo of Michelles leg and they were asking anyone to identify her, the tatoo was the name of her boyfriend, Who by the way pleaded insanity cause he was on k.j. Well he played all stupid when he saw it on the news, starting pretending he was all shocked but he went to prison... That daughter of hers will never have the quinceyeda her mom always told me about giving her, she wont have the baby shower or have her mom watch with pride as she walks down the aisle. what she will ahve unfortunately is a father who already has been out after a 4 yr. term... Check it out this homie of his actually got in my face a few years back at a party I was at cause he said she deserved it and I got in his face and gave him a piece of my mind, Yeah people are actually in our every day life that try and justify murder... This is reality,,,Her daughter should be in 8th grade by now, sad that Michelle is much toooooo far to be there, only in spirut... God bless you,,,,Do the right thing for your kids, they have noone but you to guide, love and make all the decisions ...Donna

he needs to get clean first...then talk about love...
and im not going to talk about this issue because no one would agree..

Listen to your father! He knows what he's talking about. The man will say sweet things now but when he gets out he'll be back on the drugs and will attack you again. You can count on it.
There is MAYBE a chance he could stay off drugs and alcohol IF he really wants to. He may need anger management as well.
I've been down that road. Each time he 'falls off the wagon' it will be worse than the time before and you could end up DEAD.
Put your children first. They should be your priority.

mamicita - same thing goes for you. He will not change to the way that YOU want him to be. You can devote your entire life to trying to help him change - but you can not change a person or his personality simply by telling him that you love him. I, too, thought that I could get my exhusband to straighten out. That was the most stupid thought I ever had and it almost cost me my life!

You know, it is funny how we as imperfect humans tend to need so much attention, coddling and loss, before we grow up.

I for one was a late bloomer.

I am not saying I beat my wife, but I had plenty of horrible traits.

Back to loss. This guy is losing the best thing that will every happen in his life, YOU.

Say it is GOD, or the cosmos, or whatever, he has dropped the dish and now it is broken. You can glue it together but it would never be the same.

You could start all over, make him date you, and not live with you to earn back his place but with out complete forgiveness, that would be an exercise in futility.

God knows we all make mistakes. Heck dating could be fun for about five or how many years would he be monitored? But the hitting. If we have any info that tells us that it is not love, it is tied up in the hitting.

Today I know in my heart that I would not do things I have done in the past. I know this without doubt that my 12 year sentence changed me. Mostly negatively but that is not the issue.

You have got to ask yourself is his love worth dieing for?

I know my wife's love is worth dieing for to me, but she dosen't hit me much.

Love is the most precious thing we can share on earth.

Peace

WOW , AFTER READING THIS . I THOUGHT IT WAS MY OWN STORY .....DOWN TO EVERY WORD . HE IS IN TILL APRIL 2005 . AND HES NEVER HIT ME BUT IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN. I WASNT ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT HIM. HE WOULD INSIST THAT I LEAVE MY CELL AT HOME OR THAT HE HAVE IT WHEN WERE TOGETHER CUZ HE THOUGHT OTHER MEN WERE CALLING ME...
MY FRIENDS ALSO SAY HE IS GOING TO KILL ME CUZ HE DOESNT WANT ANYBODY ELSE TO HAVE ME. .....AND OF COURSE I DENY THAT. CUZ WHEN YOU ARE IN LOVE EVEN WITH THE BIGGEST IDIOT EVER YOU JUST CANT HELP BUT DENY SOMETHING LIKE THAT......I TOO AM AFRAID OF WHAT MAY COME TO BE IF WE GET BACK TOGETHER. BUT I READ HIS LETTERS AND THEY SAY EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.....AND ITS CALLED JAIL TALK. ITCOULD BE THAT THEY DO LOVE US BUT ITS ONLY REALLY STRONG WHEN THEY ARE LOCKED UP. I KNOW I DONT DESERVE WHAT HE HAS DONE ....EVEN IF HE IS EXTREMLEY ATTRACTIVE. LOOKS FADE. I KNOW I NEED TO PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH . ALL I KNOW IS WE LOVE EACHOTHER SO MUCH BUT IN A VERY CRAZY WAY. I WISH I CAN GET THE STRENGTH TO LEAVE HIM AND FOR HIM TO LEAVE ME ALONE FOREVER. BUT EASIER SAID THEN DONE. RIGHT>>>/??
BUT AS I LOOK AT YOUR SITUATION , LIKE TESTIFYING AGAINST HIM JUST REMEBER MEN LIKE THAT HOLD THINGS AGAINST YOU AND IT TURNS INTO HATE. BE CAREFUL CUZ THESE TYPE OF GUYS ARE GOODLOOKS AND KISSES BUT ALWAYS END UP BEING HEARTTBREAK AND BRUISES.
IAM GOING TO TAKE MY OWN ADVICE THIS TIME AND IM GOING TO GET OUT OF HIS WEB.
TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR OWN

Oh girl, please get out while you can. I went through the same thing with my ex. We have a child together. He was very controling and abusive and was on drugs and all that. It never ot better, and I finally had the courage to leave. I still fear him to this day. He has been with two other women since me and both have ended up in the hospital. His last one which just happened, lost her baby and he is now waiting to do some time in Texas. He has been in and out of prison my entire son's life. But I'm telling you from expierence, he won't change. Good luck!

ive been where you are and i had the courage to get out of it. Please do whats right for you and end the cycle. if not for you doing it for you child.

Cass

LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER! Please get some domestic violence counseling. Read the first sticky "I got flowers today!" I was in the same situation once. I thought he was perfect and loved me, but he used to do drugs once in a while and I got a black eye and busted lip. I stayed and stayed until FINALLY I WOKE UP! That IS NOT LOVE!!!!! PLEASE stay away from him! OF course he is perfect and saying the right things and he's perfect in prison! I'm still glad that I went through what I did, because I WILL NEVER let it happen to me again!!!!! Pm me if you want to talk or have any questions, PLEASE!!!!!

Baby Girl, sounds like you have recieved alot of good information and advice from people that care even though they don't know you that have lived it or know about domestic violence and the vicious cycle. The only way this pain and confusion is going to stop is with you or it's going to continue with your children. You have son's? They're going to learn to hit thier sister's or you and thier wife. Do you have daughters'? They're learning from you that's it's alright if their brother's hit them or husbands. They learn by your actions not by your words. It's time to love yourself so your children can learn to love themselves. While our men are in jail they talk pretty to control you and keep you right where they want you. My ex-boyfriend told me he would never hurt me.....it started with yelling, pushing, slaps and one night while he was on something he beat me and I had to have brain surgery. He's now in prison. In a matter of minutes our lifes changed. Think of that!! Next time those minutes could cost you your life or your childrens'. It hurts that a man you trust could do something so horrible and you think you can't live without them. It's an addition to pain that you can't live without because that's all you know. Let it go, it's hard like any addition is. It's uncomfortable but look the other way towards the light. Walk towards peace. God can comfort you and give you strenth. Pray for the man that hit you because he's not your man because your man would not hurt you and forgive him. Heal and learn to love yourselve and YOUR MAN will come and love you as you deserve and as you love yourself. You can do it. You can blossom like a Butterfly!!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I was in an incredibly abusive relationship for two and a half years, and still don't know what I was more afraid of,the thought of him staying or the fact that he might leave.

You see, I have come to realize, that there is a fine line between love and obsession, we crossed that line, and it almost cost me my life. Leaving him was the hardest thing that I'd ever had to do, but the smartest thing I ever did.

I too, used to tell myself, he just loves me that much. He is just afraid of losing me. You know, there was probably alot of truth to that, but you can't beat someone into staying with you, or fly off into a jealous rage every time someone from the opposite sex talks to the person you love. I was as much afraid of losing him, as he was me. I felt like I was suffocating every day I had to be away from him, I will love him until I die, I've just learned to love from a distance, because what I thought was too much, wasn't enough.

Walk away while you can. Take it from someone who has scars to prove how painful "love" can be, both physically and mentally.

He is now awaiting trial for four counts of attempted murder. I was one of those victims, another our two year old son.

I understand how you feel, where you are coming from. I have asked myself and other people who know us both, thousands of times, " Do you think he really means it? Do you think he's being sincere? Do you think he really does love me? Do you think he will change? And so on and so on. I don't know if any of them do change or are sincere. I just know for me, personally, he wasn't good for me, hurt me emotionally and physically continuosly and only seemed to get worse. I really believe that he would've killed me or paralyzed me, something horrible would have happened and soon. He was a very angry man who, could like most, be very loving at times. Is all i know is, he's gone and it's peaceful and I finally starting to live life again. Best of luck to you and I hope the your situation works out better than mine did.
Love, Sheila

Abuse is abuse....Tiffany, you have to wake up now while you still can....you are in denial and not facing reality, and I pray that you listen to all of us who are telling you...to be in such denial is to live in danger...REAL danger...and Dantesgurl, I think you already know the answer....he is an abuser...there's no if's and's or but's about it. Blessings to you, prayers...
Marsha

:) STOP PLAYING WITH ME, IT IS HUMAN NATURE TO LOVE SOMEONE & IT IS HUMAN TO FORGIVE SOMEONE, BUT YOUR LIFE AT HAND IS WRONG, TO CHOKE YOU IS WRONG, WHEN HE DID IT IS YOUR EXCUSE IS THAT HE WAS MAYBE HIGH AT THE TIME, STOP PLAYING, HOW CAN HE TRUST U WHEN YOU TESTIFIED AGAINST HIM, THATS CRAZY, HOW CAN YOU TRUST YOU WHEN HE COULD OF KILLED YOU, I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT ITS NOT ALWAYS FLOWERS & SUNLIGHT/ WE MARRIED BUT SOME DAYS ARE GOOD, SOME GREAT & SOME PISS ME OFF, BUT I TELL YOU 1 THING IF HE COME HOME TRIPPING, I WON'T BE WAITING TO GET KILLED, PRISON CAN BREAK YOU OR MAKE YOU STRONGER THE TRUTH SHALL SHOW WHEN HE GETS FREEDOM, I BELIVE PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE UNLESS THEY WANT TOO BUT THEY ALWAYS THE SAME PERSON IF THEY WITH YOU OR IF THEY NOT: SO I'M A TELL YOU LIKE THIS BEING UNSURE IS NATURAL ESPECAILLY IF HE HURT YOU & WAS USING DRUGS: HUMAN NATURE/ BUT YOUR THE ONE WHO WAS WITH HIM SO ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS CAPABLE OF: YOUR GUT SHOULD TELL YOU, DOES IT SAY STAY OR GO: MINES HAS SAID BOTH: *2-4 HUN, HE EITHER GOING TO CHANGE FOR THE GOOD OR LEAN BACK, I WISH YOU MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION IN WHATEVER YOU DO, ME I'M STILL HERE FOR MY HUSBAND, WHY *BECAUSE I LOVE HIM* YET I WISH HE HAD LOVED ME MORE THEN THE GAME, CAUSE WE'D BE HERE TOGHERER RIGHT NOW, : I HATE BEING A STATISTIC BUT I QUESS MY PEOPLE BEEN PROPERTY SINCE SLAVE TRADE/ LOVE IS ON EARTH REGARDLESS / LIFE CONTINUES WHEN WE FALL DOWN, BUT SURELY GOD MADE LOVE IN ALL OF US/ :) MAY THE SUN SHINE ALWAYS ON YOU, : hi, my fiance is doin 2-4 for what happened between us....qickly i got a ride home with a guy cuz i was intoxicated..he had to use my bathroom so i went in first....next thing i know my fiance came at me...shattered my jaw and choked me for what seemed like forever....well my fiance at that time had a drug problem and had been using....i didnt want to press charges but state picked it up....he was facing 15 years...well many incidents occurred and it seemed like it was only when he was using....i was naive for i have never takin drugs and not sure of symtoms...i thought i could help him upon finding out....anyways i know what hes like when he seems to not be using....but im not sure....dumb huh? everyone says i am makin excuses for him and that he will kill me...i dont beleive this to be true....i know he loves me.....he always has the nicest things to say....hes perfect andi dont think i could find anybody else like him....since he has been in jail and prison we have gotten alot closer...is this just jail talk or could it be real...is he gonna get out and kill me or something....i did testify against him cuz if i didnt da said i would lose my children....but i love him so much...and everything seems just the way it hould be since hes been locked up....can anyone give me advice...i hope this makes sense if not please ask questions...for i have never been in this situation...my father who has been a prison guard for over 25 years thinks it is just prison talk that he has seen it for years...and h has my family fearing for my life...he says that he is only getting me to where he wants me.....

i am so sorry you are going though this! It is hard because you do love him but if you are afraid for yourself then you know what the answer is. Take care of you and yours. God Bless you and help you.

You are in for a rollercoaster if you decide to stay. He can change if he gets help and if he really wants to, but it will be a rollercoaster.

~A

:( I'M SO SORRY, I WISH THESE MEN KNEW HOW TO LOVE US, BUT SHORT TEMPER & JEALOUSY HOW CAN THEY, IT ALL COMES WITH THE GAME, IF A PERSON IS NOT HAPPY WITH THEMSELVES THEY WON'T TREAT YOU RIGHT: I'M GLAD YOU GOT OUT & I'M SURE HAPPINESS AWAITS YOU: MY SITUATION IS THAT YES HE CAN BE JEALOUS & HE CAN BE NICE SOME TIMES & THEN JUST LOVEABLE SO I QUESS ITS THE LOVE BOAT, WAVEY : BUT I BELIEVE IN TIME HE WILL GET IT RIGHT, HE LOVES ME ALOT, , DID HE EVER ABUSE ME WHEN HE WAS HOME, IF I SAID NO- I'D BE LYING. BUT I ABUSED HIM TOO, I NAME CALLED & WILLED OUT TOO, WE BOTH R HUMAN: BUT WE FORGAVE EACH OTHER ALSO, NOW HE SEEMS KIND & SWEET:: BUT HE IS AWAY:; BUT WE ARE MARRIED AND WHEN WE KISS OR WHEN I HOLD HIM- ITS JUST RIGHT: I HAVE BEEN IN SITUATIONS WHERE SOME ONE VIOLATED ME *WITH A BLANK TO MY HEAD* I WAS SCARED BUT HE WAS SORRY, HE WAS JUST SCARED OF LOUSING ME, HE CHOKED ME WHILE I CARIED HIS SEED BUT HE FOUND A NUMBER OF A GUY WHO WAS A FRIEND ONLY: MAYBE THIS MAKES ME WEAK FOR STAYING WITH HIM BUT UM ALL HE GOT, KNEW HIM SINCE I WAS A TEEN: WE GOING TO MAKE IT, HE PRAYS & IS MUSLIM NOW: : SAID HE CHANGED: // I BELIEVE HIM : POSITIVE THINGS HE TOOK ME TO HAWII, ISLANDS & ROSE PEDALS IN THE BATH TUB, NEVER LEFT ANY MARKES ON MY BODY/ / JUST TRIED TO SCAR ME FROM LEAVING HIM: MAYBE I'M BLIND RIGHT NOW: CAUSE I DON' EVER SEE LEAVING HIM, NOT NOW: I THINK UM HUMAN, I WON'T GIVE UP ON MY BEAUTIFUL BLACK MAN, HIS WAYS: I was in an incredibly abusive relationship for two and a half years, and still don't know what I was more afraid of,the thought of him staying or the fact that he might leave.

You see, I have come to realize, that there is a fine line between love and obsession, we crossed that line, and it almost cost me my life. Leaving him was the hardest thing that I'd ever had to do, but the smartest thing I ever did.

I too, used to tell myself, he just loves me that much. He is just afraid of losing me. You know, there was probably alot of truth to that, but you can't beat someone into staying with you, or fly off into a jealous rage every time someone from the opposite sex talks to the person you love. I was as much afraid of losing him, as he was me. I felt like I was suffocating every day I had to be away from him, I will love him until I die, I've just learned to love from a distance, because what I thought was too much, wasn't enough.

Walk away while you can. Take it from someone who has scars to prove how painful "love" can be, both physically and mentally.

He is now awaiting trial for four counts of attempted murder. I was one of those victims, another our two year old son.

:o :mad: :cool: I'M SO SORRY, I WISH THESE MEN KNEW HOW TO LOVE US, BUT SHORT TEMPER & JEALOUSY HOW CAN THEY, IT ALL COMES WITH THE GAME, IF A PERSON IS NOT HAPPY WITH THEMSELVES THEY WON'T TREAT YOU RIGHT: I'M GLAD YOU GOT OUT & I'M SURE HAPPINESS AWAITS YOU: MY SITUATION IS THAT YES HE CAN BE JEALOUS & HE CAN BE NICE SOME TIMES & THEN JUST LOVEABLE SO I QUESS ITS THE LOVE BOAT, WAVEY : BUT I BELIEVE IN TIME HE WILL GET IT RIGHT, HE LOVES ME ALOT, , DID HE EVER ABUSE ME WHEN HE WAS HOME, IF I SAID NO- I'D BE LYING. BUT I ABUSED HIM TOO, I NAME CALLED & WILLED OUT TOO, WE BOTH R HUMAN: BUT WE FORGAVE EACH OTHER ALSO, NOW HE SEEMS KIND & SWEET:: BUT HE IS AWAY:; BUT WE ARE MARRIED AND WHEN WE KISS OR WHEN I HOLD HIM- ITS JUST RIGHT: I HAVE BEEN IN SITUATIONS WHERE SOME ONE VIOLATED ME *WITH A BLANK TO MY HEAD* I WAS SCARED BUT HE WAS SORRY, HE WAS JUST SCARED OF LOUSING ME, HE CHOKED ME WHILE I CARIED HIS SEED BUT HE FOUND A NUMBER OF A GUY WHO WAS A FRIEND ONLY: MAYBE THIS MAKES ME WEAK FOR STAYING WITH HIM BUT UM ALL HE GOT, KNEW HIM SINCE I WAS A TEEN: WE GOING TO MAKE IT, HE PRAYS & IS MUSLIM NOW: : SAID HE CHANGED: // I BELIEVE HIM : POSITIVE THINGS HE TOOK ME TO HAWII, ISLANDS & ROSE PEDALS IN THE BATH TUB, NEVER LEFT ANY MARKES ON MY BODY/ / JUST TRIED TO SCAR ME FROM LEAVING HIM: MAYBE I'M BLIND RIGHT NOW: CAUSE I DON' EVER SEE LEAVING HIM, NOT NOW: I THINK UM HUMAN, I WON'T GIVE UP ON MY BEAUTIFUL BLACK

:o :mad: :cool: I'M SO SORRY, I WISH THESE MEN KNEW HOW TO LOVE US, BUT SHORT TEMPER & JEALOUSY HOW CAN THEY, IT ALL COMES WITH THE GAME, IF A PERSON IS NOT HAPPY WITH THEMSELVES THEY WON'T TREAT YOU RIGHT: I'M GLAD YOU GOT OUT & I'M SURE HAPPINESS AWAITS YOU: MY SITUATION IS THAT YES HE CAN BE JEALOUS & HE CAN BE NICE SOME TIMES & THEN JUST LOVEABLE SO I QUESS ITS THE LOVE BOAT, WAVEY : BUT I BELIEVE IN TIME HE WILL GET IT RIGHT, HE LOVES ME ALOT, , DID HE EVER ABUSE ME WHEN HE WAS HOME, IF I SAID NO- I'D BE LYING. BUT I ABUSED HIM TOO, I NAME CALLED & WILLED OUT TOO, WE BOTH R HUMAN: BUT WE FORGAVE EACH OTHER ALSO, NOW HE SEEMS KIND & SWEET:: BUT HE IS AWAY:; BUT WE ARE MARRIED AND WHEN WE KISS OR WHEN I HOLD HIM- ITS JUST RIGHT: I HAVE BEEN IN SITUATIONS WHERE SOME ONE VIOLATED ME *WITH A BLANK TO MY HEAD* I WAS SCARED BUT HE WAS SORRY, HE WAS JUST SCARED OF LOUSING ME, HE CHOKED ME WHILE I CARIED HIS SEED BUT HE FOUND A NUMBER OF A GUY WHO WAS A FRIEND ONLY: MAYBE THIS MAKES ME WEAK FOR STAYING WITH HIM BUT UM ALL HE GOT, KNEW HIM SINCE I WAS A TEEN: WE GOING TO MAKE IT, HE PRAYS & IS MUSLIM NOW: : SAID HE CHANGED: // I BELIEVE HIM : POSITIVE THINGS HE TOOK ME TO HAWII, ISLANDS & ROSE PEDALS IN THE BATH TUB, NEVER LEFT ANY MARKES ON MY BODY/ / JUST TRIED TO SCAR ME FROM LEAVING HIM: MAYBE I'M BLIND RIGHT NOW: CAUSE I DON' EVER SEE LEAVING HIM, NOT NOW: I THINK UM HUMAN, I WON'T GIVE UP ON MY BEAUTIFUL BLACK

maybe i am wrong when i say this but it is my opinion and remember only my opinion.the excuse that i was drunk or on drugs when i hit you and i would never do it when i was sober or even someone saying he only hits me when hes drinking or using drugs in my eyes is a big red flag.drinking and using drugs have different reactions in everybody.i beleive the reason there are different reactions isnt because of the drugs but the person doing drugs.it is what they feel when they are using or drinking that effects how they act while on drugs.if it was the drugs or the alcohol that made them hit you then everybody who did the drugs or alcohol would do it and that just isnt the case.I will use this as an example back in my drinking days and believe me there used to many of those drinking days if i was pissed off at someone or just plain pissed off fpr no reason and i drank it made me more aggresive. but when i was in a happy mood and drank the same drink it made me that much more happy.so my opinion is this it is not the drugs or the alcohol that makes someone hit another it is the person drinking the alcohol and using the drugs.the drugs and alcohol just intensifies the feelings they already have.if it was the alcohol and drugs then when i was drinking in a happy mood then the alcohol would put me in a bad mood if it was the alcohol causing me to throw my fits i used to throw when i used to drink.sorry if this doesnt make any sense.i do also believe that the sweet talking he is doing to you is just that sweet talk to help him get out and have someone to beat on when he gets out.of course he is not going to say shit to you while he is locked up because what will that do not a thing.i do believe you have reason to fear for your life.you have a chance while he is in prison to make a clean break from this guy.i suggest you do just that make a clean break from him.love is not bruises and broken bones.if someone loves you they will not want to see you hurting in any way emotionally or physically.just my opinion though but i do hope you find the strength to leave him and move on to bigger and better things there is someone out there who will love and respect you and treat you the way you need to be treated
well no it wasnt the first time he choked me but was the first time he hit me...i thnk i can see a difference when hes using but not sur cuz i dont know if it was the drugs or personality....he is also an ex marine so not sure if that can do something to somebody....my first visit he kissed me so hard for not coming earlier that he actually drew blood....i do love him...god this is so hard....he says this experience has changed him....why does he have to say all the ight things?....i think i have low self esteem.....he is so goodlooking and spent years modeling and sining...i for one would never thpought i could get a guy like that...i like that everyone knows him....when hes good hes really good...and iam afraid of him....hes always thinkin im doin something wrong and im not...before he went in i could not do anything without him....very controlling and possesive...it made me feel like he really loved me...for i too always wanted to be with him....hard to explain....all i know is that too many people telling me i am razy and asking me why.....

I was in prison for ten years for killing my ex who abused me. Get out while you can. I too believed all the sweet talk and thought I could help him. Low self esteem can be the cause of staying with someone that you think you love. I found out that I can live without a man, I did it for ten years although I had too. I am married now and I often wonder if life is meant to be lived with one person. I have alot of issues from the past and I try to work toward them to a healthier me, Not a healthier them. I wish you all the luck in the world.:)

It is Prison/Jail talk. I have been through the cycle over and over again. My kids' dad just got out March 06. It took him a few weeks before he hit me again. I was devasted, because of hearing all his horrible locked up stories, how he grew up, realized he wanted to be with me, our children.
First, you testified against him. Do you realize what your man is thinking in prison? He is getting really angry with you at different times while he's in there. Don't think he isn't. He won't tell you directly because you are probably doing sh** for him, writing him, accepting phone calls, you maybe even sending him money for his books. That is alot girl...
And the entire incident was over a guy giving you a ride home. I'd bet any amount of money your man is saying to himself how the start of it was even your fault, now he's doing time... That shows his controlling ways by even getting mad about you being around another guy... Then to actually mess you up like that!!!
My ex says to me that he's always in trouble because of f***ing around with me, blaming me for him getting into trouble, etc. etc. Makes me feel guilty, manipulates and plays mind games with me. Heck, I've termed that I'm traumatically bonded with him!! Got that out of a book.. Books help..
It's hard girl, but good luck. You can't get back with him until he gets out and proves to you that he loves you and will never touch you again. This takes time. And don't feel obligated towards him either, when he gets out. My ex played that I'll never be anybody unless I'm with you crap. And He is definately not getting the real help to help him change in prison. Please don't buy into it or you will end up being exactly where I am today. Waiting for him to get picked up for DV & Assault Warrant, and then go in front of Federal Judge for Violation of his Parolle. Now I'm carrying all that b*s, waiting to go to court and decide if I'm going to carry out with the charges and testify, knowing that he'll get double the time on his pv, or backing away and it will be up in the air if he does time on his pv....
I really wish I would've followed the advice, instead I believed him and was let down again... Harrassing phone calls, the threats, looking over my shoulder. It is not fun.. Good Luck save yourself the hurt and pain. You Know yourself that there is Doubt, work on that...

Yes, I agree on the drinking/drug use and abusing thing too..

How I look at it, when they use that excuse and you accept that excuse or use it for him is not the way to go.
First you are giving him and helping him have an Excuse..
Second, look at all the other thousands/ if not millions of other guys that use and drink, yet they don't hit.... Abuse is from within, not because of substances... Please work on believing this...

Love doesn't leave bruises. Love doesn't make you live in fear of your beloved. Love doesn't make you walk on eggshells and choose your words carefully to avoid conflict.
Love carries some fears, but those fears are the icy terror of hearing an ambulance when he's already an hour late or the thought of not being there anymore when you narrowly avoid a bad accident.
Love makes you afraid of losing your partner, it does not make you afraid of your partner.
As someone said earlier "Love don't hit"

It's abuse. There is NO other answer. It doesn't matter how long you knew him. No one should EVER do that to you and he may eventually kill you. Please stay away from him. My husband is in prison for murder and in 25 years has never hit me or threatened me or hurt me in any way (well, except getting busted for murder!) Please, as a mother I am begging you to get away from this guy. Please go now.

i am sorry for all the heartache you are feeling.i understand where you are coming from.i went through the same thing with my fiancee.he was jealous,selfish.he let me do things -as long as i acted right.i thought that he was out of my league-he thought the same of me-and tht he could never be serious about me.how wrong i was.he became selfish when it came to me.i did a few times manipulate his thoughts so that i could see how he really felt about me.or to let him see that i could get someone else.after that first time of showing him that i thought the guy up the street was cute i learned that he wouldn't tolerate me playing with his feelings.the 5 years that we were together-before lockup-we went through some things.we fought,argued,brokeup,madeup.by our fifth year together i knew that we were meant to be together.what i didn't know was that the times i made him think i was scoping someone else made him doubtful of me.when we fought i really was scared.i love him and i know that he loves me too.one night when he came home i was only standing outside our door with a girl neighbor.he wanted me to come in the house and i wouldn't.he beat me up-the police came-i had to go to the hospital for stitches-he went to his uncles house-the next day my neighbor told me that he was in jail.an elderly lady was sodomized and the neighbors said that he was out that morning.anyway after that my friends and family told me over and over that he would've hurt me.i know we fought(i hurt him a couple of times to get him off of me)but i believe he is innocent in this charge.in all our years together he never threatened me with a weapon.really all he had to do was look at me and i would know how he felt.i just feel like they were already against us and when this happened they wrote him off as a criminal.we both were doing drugs and drinking alot.i was the cause of all our fights.i know that.i can understand why they werre concerned but why would they judge him as guilty for hurting that woman?i cut most of my friends off-they act like i never did any wrong.okay,we fought.but that doesn't mean that he DID those things that happened to that lady.i will never ever manipulate his love for me.i've always been a little insecure and how i handled it is i made no qualms about letting my man know that there are more fish in the sea.i hurt me.i hurt him.i hurt us.i can't help feeling that i am the reason all of this happened.some may say that he is abusive-i don't think he would have ever fought on me if i just had faith in him-in us.after all of this i want us to go to counseling when he comes home.after he went to jail i was still using and i told him that i did things buti never told him what.now he says he's tired of me giving him the run around and he wants to know EVERY detail ABOUT EVERYTHING.he says that it doesn't matter what i did but he needs to know.i'm not afraid that he'll hurt me physically-but i worry that he is gonna keep me within his eyesight AT ALL TIMES.i don't care cuz that's where i want to be.as long as the fighting is stopped then i will be with him.i don't drink anymore and he hasn't since he's been incarcerated.i am two years sober from my drug choice-he is 3 years sober from drugs and alcohol.what do yall think?dantesgurl?do you think that we are both wishing for something we should leave alone?i need clarification too.

All I can tell you is that the prison enviroment does nothing to correct deviant behavior, it only makes it worse. Is he sober only cuz hes locked up. Youre former relationship was abusive and it still will be when he gets out. If you want to make a go of it, he needs to parole elsewhere, get help and prove himself. Good Luck
"We teach people how to treat us."

i was with someone recently who was using meth, and although he was NOT physically abusive, he was moody, controlling, crazy jealous, angry about things that should not have even ruffled his calm, and sneaky as hell. After I kicked him out of my house, i found my e-mail password written down (so he could read my e-mails), he used to sneak around to my backyard and i'd find him outside my bedroom door, listening to see if i was talking on the phone and to whom, he also used to wait til i was asleep and check all the phone numbers and listen to my voice mails in my cell phone, and he made phone calls to an ex-boyfriend who i was still friends with, using fake voices so he wouldn't know who it was, oh, and he accused me of trying to hook-up with his best friend... and of course, at the same time he was doing this, he himself was seeing another woman... and like everyone says, you cannot even just blame the meth. his sister told me he'd always been crazy jealous of anyone he was with... that was enough for me; like i said, i made him move out. and luckily for me, the cops in my city were watching him for other reasons, so anytime he came to my house, the cops would just drop by, and he'd have to run. and he and his other girlfriend got arrested for drugs, so he's out of the way for awhile. I am so sorry about your friend and for her daughter and the rest of her family... what a sad, sad, sad story.