Anyone who has questions, large or small, about abuse should read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's the best thing I've read ever about DV, and if you need info, this is the A-one place to get to know that it is. Easy reading, clear as a bell. If you can't get it at the library, or can't afford to buy it, PM me with your address. I will buy it for you and send it along from Amazon. Please, don't feel you can't - I'm offering.

UPDATE: Despite the fact that this was originally posted in 2005, I just want you all to know it's still good now, and for as long as my account is open.

Thankfully I am not in a situation like that right now...but that is a very sweet offer and I want to compliment you on your thoughtfulness. Actually, I think I will see if my local library has it...it sounds interesting.

Is there a Book on Why Does She do that? Just asking.

Well, Tee, the book actually says two things that might be applicable - 1) 98% of abuse is committed by males, usually upon females, so the sensible thing is to use the male form as standard, but that if it is in fact a female to male abuse matter, the analysis still applies; 2)that most males who DO scream about abuse are actually simply using it as another way to abuse their mates. That's the one that actually happened to me. But he's the one who flew into rages at unpredictable times, and shook me like dirty rug, then threw me. After he did that and cursed and called me names, he lost his (physical) balance (he'd been drinking a lot), and while he was staggering, I hit him. As hard as I could. And left. So the only one actually HIT, well that was me - which was something he kept trying to make the judge take into account - that HE was actually the victim of the violence. So I'm I little biased when I hear a guy come up with that kind of statement. Hope such is not so in your case.

Just answering.

This has been such a hot topic on the board lately I thought I'd bring up this offer again - PM me if you want one!

you will be blessed:heart:
this is a true act of kindness

Thank you! This was such a totally lovely thing to wake up and find.
I won't be taking you up on the offer, but I think this is among the best and grandest gestures I've seen in a long time.
Blessed be.

This has been such a hot topic on the board lately I thought I'd bring up this offer again - PM me if you want one!

I bought that book months ago and I can't say enough good things about it. For a long time I have wondered why "anger management" and all that doesn't work and this book makes sense of all the dynamics that go into abuse. Please take her up on her offer! :)

I think I'll go buy the book but thanks for the offer... maybe it will help me to understand why a friend of mine lives the way she does. I just don't understand why she doesn't leave :-(

Has it been out long enough to be bought used?

That is a wonderful thing you are offering, btw. It speaks volumes about you.

ETA: what about this bok stands out to you so much?

Has it been out long enough to be bought used?

That is a wonderful thing you are offering, btw. It speaks volumes about you.

ETA: what about this bok stands out to you so much?


Nimuay's the best. Sounds like a book every woman SHOULD have.

Nimuay's the best. Sounds like a book every woman SHOULD have.

That's what I was thinking - if it tells you all about the warning signs and red flags.

Hopefully, it helps a woman see things for how they really are instead of how she'd like them to be.

Mia - it's been out for quite a while, there are lot of used copies available.
I've lent mine out so often I can't count, so I finally bought myself a second copy.
Every time I get it back from someone, I ask if it explained what was going on, if they got any clarity and understanding from reading it. The constant reply is that "he's on every page!" And because knowledge is power it has helped them, every time. It knocks down the "poor man, it's because he drinks/tweaks/smokes/is bipolar" kind of defense that abused women make for their attackers. At the same time, it removes the seed of hope that if we stay long enough it will change, but does so by explaining how hard the personality type is to challenge.

I've read a lot of other material on the subject, and there are many good books by other authors, but Bancroft is clearer and more comprehensive and readable than any of the others. In fact it's a good read even if you aren't being abused. And it covers bosses and others you might run into who seem to turn your brain to mush.

Well, Tee, the book actually says two things that might be applicable - 1) 98% of abuse is committed by males, usually upon females, so the sensible thing is to use the male form as standard, but that if it is in fact a female to male abuse matter, the analysis still applies; 2)that most males who DO scream about abuse are actually simply using it as another way to abuse their mates. That's the one that actually happened to me. But he's the one who flew into rages at unpredictable times, and shook me like dirty rug, then threw me. After he did that and cursed and called me names, he lost his (physical) balance (he'd been drinking a lot), and while he was staggering, I hit him. As hard as I could. And left. So the only one actually HIT, well that was him - which was something he kept trying to make the judge take into account - that HE was actually the victim of the violence. So I'm I little biased when I hear a guy come up with that kind of statement. Hope such is not so in your case.

Just answering.I understand your bias .But I have in the past 6 year lived in fear that my brothers wife would kill him .I can't tell you how many time she beat him she broke teeth stabed him hit him over the head with everything in the house . But he never would let her be blamed . He did sometimes hit back and I know that was not the right thing to do but she always tell everyone that she is abused and many times they believe her but I saw it frist hand and know for a fact that she was the abuser. I just wish someone would believe us we are now fighting for custdy of their kids she and my brother are spilt and right now my parents have two of their three kids because when they came for the summer for a visit we for we found out that they were being molested by her brother and she knew and did nothing she also did many other thing that will forever cause us pain she is at falt in many ways for my brothers being in prison she is just not a nice person.

jj - I completely understand that it can happen to men. I feel every bit as sorry for them as for abused women. There were 2 men at the domestic abuse counsel when I was going there...they must have been very abused and very brave to have come forward. I have one acquaintance to whom it is happening, too, all verbal/emotional, and in the process destroying their kids.

Nimuay is a true angel!!

i recieved this book in the mail today,thanks to nimuay...i already have read 2 chapters,it is awesome so far and i am looking forward to reading the rest.in a way it is almost scary just reading all the myths all us women believe or want to believe why are abusers are the way they are.it is hard for me to put the book down..i want to thank you nimuay,i think this book is going to be very helpful to me,and with anyone who is in or been in a abusive relationship i think it is a must read book,i got that just from the 1st two chapters,i owe you nimuay,thank you so much!!!!!

That book does sound interesting I will check it out in my library.

Day one without my BF in my life- Its hard especially when I got a letter from him. But I know he will receive the Dear John letter today. To make matters worse I have been asked to go to the prison to pick up some personal effects from him. OH NO!!!

Steffy, very simply DON'T GO! It's not your responsibility. They will mail them to a family member of his choice. Don't play into his hands. He is manipulating you again. See it for what it is darlin. PM me if you need me!

Thank you, I'm ordering the book online now.

Nimuay...Your offer is so nice. I had never heard of this book, but I think I am going to go online and order a copy. It sound very interesting and I am always up for getting some new insights into people's behavior.

JJ.....My sister has been in many relationships where she was abused, but in her current relationship she was the one who started the violent behavior which includes punching and hitting. I am sorry for your situation.

Nimuay

A million thanks i got the book. I am so grateful you sent it to me. That book was exactly what I needed. A heartfelt thanks.

Stephanie

Steffy, if you get some strength and wisdom from that book, then no thanks are needed!

nimuay, you are a perfect example of someone that can't be held down... Your gesture to the world should be applauded... Which I am now doing... Kudos to you for being so strong and leading others to the light…
It's like Gandhi said, Be the Change you want to see in the world...
The sad thing is that many people don’t realize until it’s too late and then no book can save them… If ever you go broke sending that book, just holler and I’ll at least make sure you don’t go hungry…

Anyone who has questions, large or small, about abuse should read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's the best thing I've read ever about DV, and if you need info, this is the A-one place to get it. Easy reading, clear as a bell. If you can't get it at the library, or can't afford to buy it, PM me with your address. I will buy it for you and send it along from Amazon. Please, don't feel you can't - I'm offering.hi i would appreciate it if you can snd me a copy of that book i havebeen in domestic violent relationghips and would like to read that book i cant afford it right now as i just lost my job and money is tight so if u could me a copy of the book id appreciate it u can e-mail me at [email deleted per PTO policy] and i will give u my name and address thank-you so very much and hope to hea from u soon.

Do you think this would be a good book for a DV offender to read?? I want to send my boyfriend a book about it... Do you have any suggestions?

HELL NO! I don't think that, if he is an abuser, there is much chance that he will improve by reading it. What he will do instead is learn the jargon and learn even more about how to get around the blame.

nimuay I think that was an awesome offer. You sound like a great person!! I have been in domestic violent relationships myself, and I will tell you now that it's not easy to get out of them! Thank you for being here for people to talk to. I admire your strength and your courage!!

wow!! what an amazing offer of the heart that U are offering to those who can't afford to get a copy of it, & yet I'm sure that really could use it in their lives.
Now, I haven't heard of the book myself, but I will definitely look into getting myself a copy, thank U so much for the advice :thumbsup:
I look 4ward to reading it.
---hugs---

So...I've been lurking around, just reading what others have to say... This book seems like an interesting read, so I am going to have to pick it up. I recently starting writing to my ex from 10 years ago (we were both 15) who was not only my first love, but also my abuser. He is in jail and has been in for the last 7 years on a non related charge. I am married now to a wonderful man, but have wanted answers to so many questions I still have from my ex, which is why I started writing. My question is does anyone know of a good book that I can send to him in regards to domestic violence since Nimuay says this one will not be a good read for him...Thanks in advance!:)

that author lundy bancroft.. has anouther book.."when dad hurts mom"..

Theex - What you might send him depends on exactly what personality disorder you suspect him of having. Confirmed abusers are usually Anti-social Personality- or PTSD - or Narcissistic Personality Disordered. There's not really much, as all those are highly resistant to treatment.

Well nimuay he certainly doesn't have Anti-social Personality. So I'm assuming its the other...I think I'm just going to drop it...I don't need him in my life. Thanks though!:)

Good conclusion you've come to! The basic point is that those are very resistant to treatment, and probably he couldn't give you clear reasons for what he did, anyway. They are mysteries to themselves.

Actually nimuay, when I asked him why he would treat the way he did, he said that he was trying to be "Macho", trying to put me in place and let me know that he was in charge. But that he didn't think that way anymore.

Yeah, macho. But what made him think that that was the proper way to be, or that your place was lower than his?

:confused: I'm stumped there...

I have suffered SO much from abuse and I don't really think it makes a difference whether it's a man or a woman that is referenced in that book. Abuse is horrible and THANK YOU for trying to help people (male and female). What a wonderful gesture.

Like I said Nim - YOU ARE A VERY RARE BEING!!!.

I need this book.

I always think I'm out of the trap, but I just spent 2 years with a dude who managed to break me down emotionally soooooooo bad.

I guess I didn't learn as well as I thought.

I want for that shit to not ever happen again!

Embarking on a new relationship right now, I better get it figured out NOW!

Mia - you want me to send it to you or can you find a copy?

IDK. I cannot locate my car keys right now, lol.

Your are a very thoughtful person and God is smiling down on you for all that you are doing,May God Bless You and Yours

Anyone who has questions, large or small, about abuse should read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's the best thing I've read ever about DV, and if you need info, this is the A-one place to get to know that it is. Easy reading, clear as a bell. If you can't get it at the library, or can't afford to buy it, PM me with your address. I will buy it for you and send it along from Amazon. Please, don't feel you can't - I'm offering.

UPDATE: Despite the fact that this was originally posted in 2005, I just want you all to know it's still good now, and for as long as my account is open.

This is an excellent book and one I own. That is so nice of you to offer it like that. I am currently in an abusive marriage and didnt know for 10 years until I had a complete and utter emotional breakdown. I am now trying to work my way out of it and this book helped me so much to understand the subtle but lethal emotional & psychological abuse that was going on.

Peace,
Katt

Now I'm going to go get the book. Thanks for the offer though. It sound like a good book..... :)

Anyone who has questions, large or small, about abuse should read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's the best thing I've read ever about DV, and if you need info, this is the A-one place to get to know that it is. Easy reading, clear as a bell. If you can't get it at the library, or can't afford to buy it, PM me with your address. I will buy it for you and send it along from Amazon. Please, don't feel you can't - I'm offering.

UPDATE: Despite the fact that this was originally posted in 2005, I just want you all to know it's still good now, and for as long as my account is open.

Many people on this earth have huge hearts, you are most certainly one of them. You may not get your reward on earth, but you will be rewarded! Karma has a way of seeking out the good, and repaying it x3. You deserve it x100!

God bless you, you surely are a real live "earth angel".

I would like this book...