View Full Version : Day1


TxRhino
03-22-2005, 08:24 AM
Hello all,
I really don't have a question. At this point I am simple numb and hurting. Yesterday at 1:30 pm my wife self surrendered to Bryan FPC. Since it is almost 400 miles from home, I spent the rest of yesterday driving home. Last night was my first night without her and I could not bear to go to our bed alone. I slept on the couch and had a very restless night at best. I am also off work today so I can try and get my "stuff all in one sock" before heading back to real life. Since all of this has come up I have said nothing to anyone. My wife and I where married just over a year ago and within a couple of months we became aware of the indictment. Prior to being married my wife lived more than 500 miles from here and there fore none of the people who know us here know anything about her situation. Most people think we have a charmed and wonderful life and for the most part this is true. All except my wifes one indicreation that got her federal time. Now I feel trapped in a lie. Both our families are over a thousand miles away. I just recently shared my wifes story with them, but no one here knows anything about this. As far as any one here knows my wife went for surgery yesterday.
As I know all are aware this surgery lie can not last; however, both my wife and I very heavily involved with some of our local churches helping to get them organized with "Praise and Worship" contemporary services together. I also have a very prominant position in our community and between our mutual families we have not said anything. I suppose this forum has been a God Send... it gives me a place to talk/write and at least express my feelings.
Well day 1 is underway and only 899 to go. I would appreciate others thoughts and comments.

Spanishlove
03-22-2005, 08:49 AM
Welcome and you'll find all the love and support here. I have a simular situation only I didn't get to the alter before they came and took my honey from me. He's yet to be sentenced. I can feel your pain because I've been where you are now and still have sleepless nights without him. PTO is definitily a place were you cane vent your frustrations and not be judged. Your days without her will get easier. I cried everyday that he was gone and now I'm ok. I still miss him alot and often watch the door to see if he'll come walking in. And as time goes on you'll find away to tell other where she is. Do it in your own time when comfortable with doing so. It took me awhile to and I only told those that I thought wouldn't be judgemental of the situation. My prayers go out to you and your wife. Take one day at a time.

bamvette
03-23-2005, 12:34 PM
Welcome - with time it will get bearable - I won't say better because it truly won't be 100% better until your wife comes home. I remember the fateful day I dropped my husband off so he could self-surrender. Now we are only facing a mere 21 days left of his sentence.

My family knows nothing of what has transpired and they would not approve, so I can understand where you are coming from! Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you need to pick up your spirits and be strong for your wife. She will need to hear and sense that when she calls home.

God bless and may your 899 days pass by quickly!

NYYankee
03-23-2005, 12:58 PM
Hi TexRhino, funny name?
Your story touched me. Is is a sad day when no matter how prominant we are in our communities and how much church work and volunteer work we do, we cannot trust the people of our communities to accept us with our mistakes and not judge us. Very sad. Obviously you are not too good at lying because you should have come up with one with a little more longevity to it than surgery :) We understand how it is though, this place is full of people with invisible husbands and dissappearing wives and children. Some are away in "service" and some "work for the state". I hope some of your family members are available to you. Of course, you have PTO and you can tell us anything!!! We will understand and try to help you. You have friends here.

lisamaria
05-28-2005, 08:35 PM
Hi TexRhino....
I'm also so sorry to hear about your situation and unfortunately mine is quite similar. My boyfriend/fiance is self-surrendering to Butner SPC, NC in a couple of weeks for a 20 month sentence.
We've been together for two years and how ironic..fell madly in love...knowing this nightmare would be very present in our lives. How we managed to begin, grow and maintain a relationship through this is beyond both of us....we can only hope it's a good sign.
OK ...back to you and your dilemma. I have told my family, my grown daughters included that he is moving to NC. His situation is this...he is very new into my life and very new to my family. My parents, brother and daughters, both like him alot. He is so embarrassed by this whole thing and doesn't want them to think he's a bad person. ..and I personally don't know how well it would be accepted either. I'm not an advocate for lying..and to tell you the truth I'm not very good at it. I have a wonderful loving family...but am so unsure of how or if this would be accepted. I promised him I wouldn't tell them. I'm afraid that's going to be easier said then done. He's gone through enough already. I have told two of my best friends( he knows)...but that's it.... I know it will stay with them...and I'll really need they're support...
You're in a tough spot....more so because you're involved in the community.
You may want to confide in someone close to you there.....
I hope you come up with a solution....Please write and let me know how it's all going.
I too believe in one day at a time....it's just so hard when your mind keeps fastforwarding!
I wish you well........

gipsyrose
05-28-2005, 08:55 PM
First off, I'd like to say welcome and I'm glad you found this site :)
I don't really know of any advice to give you. I can understand your love for each other and how you must feel about your role in the community and church and the situation you two are in. My heart goes out to you two. I'm sure over time the both of you will agree on what to tell everyone, if that's what you want to do.
Take care......

brokeninoz
05-28-2005, 09:55 PM
Gosh - have me in tears. First - she is very lucky to have you. Second - like you I have told no one out side of the area where I live about what is going on. If they find out and feel slighted, I explain it was under advice of legal consoil, so I can not discuss it. As to what tell others as to where is your wife - say she is staying with family. Proper people will over time think you are having martial problems but will not pry.

I do not know what your wife's indresection was but many people are not understanding. I was heavaly involved with volenter work before and am no longer welcome or will ever be again. Woman are judged hasher by proper society and religious groups.

Sorry for being blunt but it is what I have experanced. Please feel free to PM me.

StephF
05-28-2005, 10:26 PM
This place is definitely a God send.

I feel for you -- I haven't been able to sleep in our bed since he left in March.

titantoo
05-28-2005, 11:14 PM
I also feel for you and feel fortunate I have never had to experience the same.
I hope your partners are home soon and that the time passes as rapidly as possible.

Sydnee70
05-28-2005, 11:24 PM
I also wanted to drop in and say "hello" and to wish you good luck in handling all your stress. It truly does get easier, although I know that at times it seems like it never will. My guy has been gone for almost 14 months, and most of the people in my life still don't know why he's not here. He's always worked quite a distance away, so as far as everyone but my closest friends know, he's off "working". His case was very public where he is from, so everyone on that side of his life knows what's happened, and although he doesn't care who knows, I"d like him to be able to come back home here and not have whispers all the time. Thankfully he will be out late this year and as I tell people around here, he'll NEVER "work" that far away again!

Janelle
05-29-2005, 05:07 AM
I wonder if that should be a new thread? "Where do acquaintances believe your loved one is?"

As far as our landlord and a few other people know, my husband will be "transferred out of state" in a few months. He will be, only I let them think it is his job who is transferring him, not the BOP!

We are undergoing fertility treatments, and although my doctor knows the real reason my husband won't be here much longer, when the other office employees asked, I just told them he would be "gone for a while". In an area where many many reserce units have been called overseas, they assume he is in the service!

Still, I did want you to know not to underestimate your church family. If they truly love you and your wife they will understand and pray for and support the two of you during this difficult time. If you find them to not be understanding, perhaps you haven't found the right church home. Try looking for one that has an active prison or jail ministry. These people can be wonderful in accepting these circumstances and supporting families during this time. Our church (truly our loving family) knows everything and has since the beginning. We have some powerful prayer warriors on our side--those federal judges better look out!

I know it has been a couple of months since your original message. How are you and your family coping?

You'll be in our prayers.

tan2002
05-29-2005, 02:27 PM
Rhino, Here is some free advice. Lie to no one. If there's somebody close to you, you'll ruin it with a lie. If they're strangers, who the **** are they you gotta lie to them? Hang in there pardner.

TxRhino
05-29-2005, 05:15 PM
Thanks to all of you who posted. As an update I have been cleaning up some of my previous lies. I have let a few close friends in and found they are much better friends than I deserve. As for the others I simple avoid the subject. Some things are personal. If you are a close friend I will share. To all others and the nosey... Sa La Vie. I simple tell them she is doing fine and another day close to coming home. In closing I again want to thank all of you for your support. I only wish we didn't all have to have this commonality to make us so nonjudgemental and supportive. Would it not be a grand world if we could all treat each other this great all the time? KEEP THE FAITH

bronc
05-31-2005, 01:52 PM
I only wish we didn't all have to have this commonality to make us so nonjudgemental and supportive. Would it not be a grand world if we could all treat each other this great all the time? KEEP THE FAITH
Heh, tell that to the crooked feds.

I can't say I'm going through what you are right now, but I have an idea. I'm on the other end of that stick. I'm going in another 8 days to prison camp, leaving everyone out here without me. The effects have been severely devistating, and that by itself is far worse then any time I will serve.

All I can suggest is BE STRONG when you talk to your wife. If you feel how you do, I bet you can imagine how she feels putting everyone through this and not being able to do anything about it. Tell her good things and how everything is ok and going smooth, and how you're holding up well - even if you're not.

Hang in there. Love is one of the few things the brutal feds can't take from you.

jft
05-31-2005, 04:42 PM
Nobody except my husbands parents and his sister and our children know anything about where hubby was. Luckily (if you can call Iraq a lucky thing) since hubby was in the military at one time, that is where they think he was. Another lucky thing was that he got a furlough over Christmas so other family saw him once during his incarceration. It was hard to live a lie like that, but it was best for our children to not have to answer to where he was. I wouldn't change a thing.

beverlywu
09-24-2005, 02:11 AM
Hi all!!! I thought I would bring this thread up, as I think it could give people some hope. For some it could really help with that thought "what should I tell everyone?", and it could also bring comfort to others that are going in ar bringing someone. I am sure most of us know TexRhino and the presence he has on the site. Reading how he felt when he took her in and how unsure he was truly surprised me as now he seems sure of everything, it just really gave me alot of hope that I will get through this and I hope it does the same for everyone else.:thumbsup: Oh...yeah, and dont forget to always keep the faith!!:yay:

Don't you just love this site?!?

TxRhino
09-24-2005, 08:18 PM
Thanks bev for the kind words. I hope I don't really come off as thinking I know everything. :D I have learned a lot however, no small part to this site and all the great contributors.

As an update, my wife is fast approaching her second team meeting and her upcoming appeal. We are hopefull and anxious about both. For those that do not know... the second team meeting is the time for us to request furloughs and the timing is perferct. If approved, we may get to spend part of Christmas or our up coming anniversary together.

The appeal... this should be obvious but, at the very least a sentence reduction.

So once again, I thank all of you for your kind words and ask that you keep Mrs. Rhino and me in your prayers for our upcoming new adventures in the LAND of THE FEDERAL JUSTICE SYSTEM.

Keep the Faith

Michael :thumbsup:

beverlywu
09-25-2005, 01:35 PM
Good luck with her appeal. With any luck she could be home with you and not need the furlough. I hope everything turns out well during her second team meeting. You both will be in my prayers.

All the best, Bev

BoredGoat
10-09-2005, 10:51 PM
Oh man... Tx Rhino, I know how you feel all the way.:( My husband just self surrendered the 30th of September. It has been a living HELL these past 10 or so days. I refuse to sleep in bed, because I tried that first night, and I kept looking for him to be lying beside me. I sleep on the couch, and I am sure that will go on for a longggg time to come. he was sentenced to 5 years, 3 months in a federal prison, and with good time and the halfway house bit, he will do right at 4 years, unless the Federal Parole Bill passes. I know that I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, and maybe I am. I just have not figured out how to cope yet. I suffer from Bipolar illness, and that makes this 100 times more magnified. *some* of his family knows whats going on, like his father, and two of his sisters and their husbands. They have been super supportive, and I am glad for that, On another thread, I posted to, I explained that MY family is a wayyyyyy different story. My mother is incredibly critical and Judgemental, I have not gotten along with her since I was a child. I cannot talk to her because she is NOT understanding about anything. She is one of those that believes, NOBODY, (including me) should never *rock her little world*. Soooo, since we live in two different states, my best option, on the few and far between times we actually have a conversation, I act as though nothing is out of the ordinary here. basically she don't ask, and I damn sure don't tell...:D

Basically what I have done is sort out who would be supportive and who would give me crap LOL. I don't need the negativity AT ALL right now. Neither do you:) maybe I will feel differently later on down the road, when I am in full swing of this situation, but for now, I feel better with less people knowing the better. Yes, and I agree that's living a lie, but it is all the strength I have to deal with right now.

I am going to take advice from others on here, and start filling my days to keep my mind busy. I am soon to be going on Social Security Disability, so working is out of the question. I will REALLY have to work at keeping myself busy.......

Stay Strong even when you think you can't do it, I got through 10 whole days as my sister in law likes to remind me, so I am sure you will find a way, just as I will have to. If you have any ideas, please toss a few my direction, maybe I am overlooking the obvious ways to do this.

Thank you so much for your story, I truly don't feel alone now.....

Take Care
Tana

April07
10-10-2005, 02:51 PM
I have to agree with the sorting out who is supportive and who is not - I have extended family and distant friends who know nothing of my husband's situation, and never will. They think someone died and left them God - and who needs it? God forgave him ages ago and has forgotten all about it!

We all need supportive, loving people surrounding us. I decided about 6 years ago to eliminate negative people from my life, or avoid them as much as possible. If people who are judgmental or nosy ask, I just say that he's in Minnesota taking care of business. I guess if that's living a lie, so be it. The ones who count know and the ones who don't know don't count... to very badly paraphrase a really cool Suess line... :D

And bless all of you for your support on this site - because WE are the kind of positive, loving, supportive people we all need in our lives right now! :thumbsup:

sjames
10-10-2005, 03:00 PM
:yes: Amen!

Atalie
10-10-2005, 03:04 PM
Hi TexRhino, Sorry about what you are going through. I know I would not have slept either. Is your family supportive, now that they know? How you handle this with your church is a difficult question. I had someyhing recently that I was kind of embarrassed about, rumors concerning a business deal, small nosy community. Any way, I finally talked to some people, and realized they love me for me. They really payed no attention to the rumors. I was so releaved because my church family is so important to me. You might find you will have more love then you ever knew. These could also be people who are another source of support for you both. Let us know how you are doing. Blessings, Atalie

angarayan
10-28-2005, 03:31 PM
My heart goes out for you. Your wife is lucky to have a life partner like you. Memories will help you to get over the separation, and if you keep busy, time will pass reasonably quickly. I am speaking from personal experience. I'll be self-surrendering at the El Reno, OK camp on November 28th; An article about me appeared yesterday in the local paper.

I see some changes in the behavior of our friends towards me and my wife. Some are sympathetic while others seem to avoid us. This is natural, and luckily for me , my wife has understood the situation we are in, and I am grateful for her unconditional support. If it had been the otherway, she would have had my unconditional help and support. I feel bad that I have put her in this situation.

To some of our close and understanding relatives, we have explained truthfully our situation. To the nosy ones if they ask, I have told my wife to say that I will be going on a long Federal Assignment which is true in a way!

My prayers are with you and your wife.

wifesupport
12-23-2005, 03:25 PM
Sorry To Hear About Your Wife, I Completely Understand. My Husband Is In El Reno Oklahoma And Has Been There Since Nov. 9th. I Have Been Doing Things To Keep Busy But Still In The Back Of My Mind Im Lonely And Missing Him. I Think What Helps Me Is To Keep Busy, I Think If I Find Pen Pals That Are Going Through The Same Thing That Would Help To. I Hope That You Are Doing A Little Better. Let Me Now. Thanks

renaissanceman
12-24-2005, 09:13 AM
don't tell anyone

CJNYC
01-02-2006, 01:55 PM
TxRhino,
Sorry you are going through such diffucult time. I will be surrendering myself to FPC in Fort Dix NJ March 31 2006. Of course it has been difficult to tell and discuss this matter with my family and close friends. I don't fully know your situation in your community but use your judgment and if there are people you can trust being honest and telling them what has happened will take a big load off your shoulders and you will even find the support that you will need through this ordeal.

Martha2
01-11-2006, 08:34 PM
I am new to all of you but have been reading everything I could find for 6 months. I have the same thing going I will go to camp on the 7th of april 2006. I do not want anyone to know where I am going. I know it will be hard for my husband to try to explain as I am usually around the house an yard etc. My family lives in California a way from here so I am just going to have to try to pull it off. I am so ashamed I a m 64 and like many of you have never been in any troubel in my life. Oh, well it will be over in 10 months. I come home from camp and then on the bracelet. Long pants and socks can hide that. Hang in thier Texas Rhino I have read your posts religiously and admire you so. Bless you and your love one. It will be over soon,

SusanT
01-12-2006, 07:57 PM
The time away ends as does the supervision but it is never over. Prison is a life changing experience.

Few of us were totally surprised by the Feds and had fear of exposure hanging over us for some time. It isn't necessary to tell the world but we don't have to hide in shame.

Many of us had never been in trouble or even knew anyone who had been jailed. When you finally adapt to the imprisonment and find a few people to open up with, you learn their stories are not too different from your own.

I could share so many heartbreaking stories that I've heard but bottom line....with the current laws and loopholes that the Feds have, there isn't an adult on the planet that could not receive a felony conviction.

Yes, there are people who will judge us but so what? We make our decisions based on the best information we have at the time and we made mistakes, bad choices, and some of us are incarcerated for them. A felony conviction is something that happens to you but it doesn't have to define who you are. As long as you hide, you've imprisoned yourself. People tend to accept you at your own self evaluation...so hold your head up, admit you made a mistake, and move forward.

Going to prison is one of the scariest things you will ever have to do but thousands of people get through it and many are better and stronger for having overcome it.

One thing I would do differently is to live each day there one day at a time instead of trying to manage things from the inside. Those on the outside are doing the best they can too.

FriscoLady
01-13-2006, 08:10 AM
The time away ends as does the supervision but it is never over. Prison is a life changing experience.

Few of us were totally surprised by the Feds and had fear of exposure hanging over us for some time. It isn't necessary to tell the world but we don't have to hide in shame.

Many of us had never been in trouble or even knew anyone who had been jailed. When you finally adapt to the imprisonment and find a few people to open up with, you learn their stories are not too different from your own.

I could share so many heartbreaking stories that I've heard but bottom line....with the current laws and loopholes that the Feds have, there isn't an adult on the planet that could not receive a felony conviction.

Yes, there are people who will judge us but so what? We make our decisions based on the best information we have at the time and we made mistakes, bad choices, and some of us are incarcerated for them. A felony conviction is something that happens to you but it doesn't have to define who you are. As long as you hide, you've imprisoned yourself. People tend to accept you at your own self evaluation...so hold your head up, admit you made a mistake, and move forward.

Going to prison is one of the scariest things you will ever have to do but thousands of people get through it and many are better and stronger for having overcome it.

One thing I would do differently is to live each day there one day at a time instead of trying to manage things from the inside. Those on the outside are doing the best they can too.

Well said and so, so true.

Patti

TxRhino
01-13-2006, 02:50 PM
SusanT,

I see in you a very rare and much appreciated combination of traits... Intelligence, Wisdom, and Compassion. Thanks to all of you for your kind words and thank God for PTO. It has done for me what it has for so many others... given me a place to come to share, vent, learn and above all...

Keep the Faith

Michael :thumbsup:

bluesbassgirl
01-20-2006, 02:39 PM
Here's what I just experienced. I dropped my baby off three days ago at Sheridan. (He will go to camp, but there's no room, so he's up in FDC adminstrative hold on 20 hours of lock down a day while he waits for three weeks and I can't visit because we're not married, damn it.) The whole time we went through the whole arrest and plea deal, we didn't tell anybody but my immediate family. They've been wonderful. Yesterday I cautiously told two of my business associates. I'm a professional musician and I told my booking agent and my guitar player. I was very pleasantly surprised. I was afraid they'd be horrified by the stigma of it all. I was shaking pretty bad. But here's what happened. I used to have two business associates. Now I have two friends. Because I confided in them with my personal trauma (I felt Ihad to, becusae my abby who used to help haul gear everywhere suddely vanished) they have opened up about thier personal lives and I felt us move into a new level of relationship, that of friend. Both times. My agent has since called me several times to talk about her upcoming surgery that she's terrified about. I mean, I have a friend where I had an associate. I understand anyone trying to keep this horror under wraps. But a few well-chosen people may surprise you by being way cooler than you thought. Be open to that. Oh, Rhino. I feel your pain from a year ago. I bawled all the way back to Seattle from the little dive of Sheridan, OR Tuesday. I couldn't even bear to go home. I went to a friend's house from AA (all out AA people know what's going on. AA is like that) I cried and cried until I could face his things. I smelled every shirt until I found one that smelled like him. I'm going to save it out for the year he is gone.