:eek: Just wanted to share that on Feb.18 my husband got real ugly and I could tell the situation was not going to get any better as the night went on so I jumped in my car and left and couldn't think of anywhere to go so I went to the local women's shelter. The only problem was that all I had with me was my car keys, I had left my purse with my credit card, cell phone, and everything else at home.

I knew I was not going back home that night so I called him and asked him to meet me in the parking lot of the local grocery store and asked him to bring me my purse and my cell phone. Of course he refused so I gave him the option of bringing it to me one more time or I told him I was going to call the police and have them come with me to the house to get it. He said "call the police". He was so ugly and in such a bad mood, and it was all over nothing at all. So I called the police and explained the situation to them.

My husband hadn't hit me but he had grabbed my arm and pulled on it so hard there was a small bruise on my wrist, which I told the officer about. And of course I told the police I didn't want him arrested, that I just needed my purse cause I was staying at the shelter that night. So we went to my house, me and 3 cop cars, and they went inside, telling me to wait outside. I was so afraid they would bring him out in handcuffs, I really didn't want him to get arrested! Anyway after awhile the police came out and told me 'he said you can have your purse'; so I went inside with the police and got my purse. My husband was so charming, he had the police all convinced that the reason he had grabbed my arm was because I had swung at him and tried to hit him!! I also think that the police were a little afraid of him too and were trying to avoid trouble.

So I got my purse but when I went to reach for my cell phone my husband said 'that's mine. I bought that for her so it's mine and she can't have it". I was like speechless because that was so untrue!! He never bought the phone for me at all! So we argued about the cell phone and the cop went to get it for me til my husband said to me "you've started a war now". All of a sudden the cop said "well I'm not going to have a war over a cell phone, you guys can work that out later." He told me it was time to leave, so I had to leave without my phone. I could not believe how well my husband had totally lied to the police about everything!!

So anyway I got back to the shelter, it was quiet but it really wasn't for me. I felt like I was in jail, they had so many rules and you had to sign in and sign out-they said that was for your safety so they would know where everybody was all the time. Well the next day when I signed out (you had to put what time you would return too); I didn't come back at the time I had put down, I came back about 45 minutes later. There was some lady there who unlocked the door and man what a witch! She was all over me about now she had to write me a ticket cause I was late, they had rules there, hadn't anyone told me about their rules?? She was so rude I finally yelled at her about how I did not need to hear this right now cause I had enough trouble with my husband being nasty let alone her! Then she told me that she wanted to be treated with respect and I said "so do I!"

Well I had a second cell phone with me and of course my husband had been calling me non-stop on it to come home all day long. He was driving me crazy! So I was so edit off about all the rules and feeling like I was in jail at this women's shelter that I just packed up and left at about 2am. I still did not feel comfortable going home so I told my husband I would see him if we met at a motel and spent the night there. So we did and of course he was sweet as he could be like nothing had ever happened with the police. And then the next day I went back home.

Later on I found a business card with one of the officers name and phone # on it. I asked my husband "where did you get this?" And he told me the cop had given it to him and said to call "If you have any more trouble with her". I was like 'any more trouble with ME?' And my husband was like "yeah, he saw what was up, you were trying to get me to hit you in front of the police". Of course I was NOT at all so I don't know if my husband was just making that up or if the cop really told him that. Anyway I don't think I will ever go to the womens' shelter again, I will just go and get a motel room for the night or go and stay with a friend. And I will be really careful if I call the cops again and warn them about how my husband twists everything around to make it look like I am the one with the problem. Just wanted to share.

Honey, I so hope you leave this man. You should not have to walk on egg shells with him. That is not what love is about. I have followed all of your posts, and I just sit her in shock. I hate that you go through this, but I have come to the conclusion that you will leave once you are ready.

I just hope that you find the strength to leave him. If he really loved you, he would not treat you this way. This man is not all there and I am just so afraid that you have not seen the worst of him yet.

I will keep you in my thoughts Isadora. ((((hugs))))

I agree with JP. You have not seen the worst of him yet. If he feels comfortable enough to treat you like this now, think of how he will treat you 30 days from now, then 60 days from now, then next year. Worse. He gets his gratification from your fear and the fact he can control you.Shelters are to help and protect women from abuse, and sometimes from themselves. The lady who let you in should have shown more compassion than she did, but my gut feeling says she has seen it all and knows what the outcome is going to be for most of the women who check in there. I speak from experience when I tell you things are not going to get better. They are only going to get worse. As his need to prove his manhood grows, so does the abuse. And that is exactly what this is. Abuse. Sadly it has nothing to do with you, it is all about him. And his perception of what the world owes him. Please take heed. And take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck. You are going to need it.

Isadora

I hope everything works out for you. I have to admit that your reception at the shelter could have been much more supportive.
I hate to tell people to leave their spouse...but it sounds unlikley that your relationship will turn into a good one and you don't want to wait for real abuse or worse. I assume you have no children so why continue?

I think you all are so right! Even my husband tells me there is a side of him that I have not seen. Honestly then it is true when they say that abusers are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, because he can be so sweet and charming; obviously so because I married him! I don't know who the woman was at the shelter that night, all the ones that are there at night are volunteers. She seemed like a mental patient with issues of her own to me. Definitely not supportive in my opinion, definitely did not know how to deal with a woman like me who was quite upset to begin with! Anyhow my husband and I have done well this week, we only had one fight; believe me that is doing well for us. Anyway he did his usual 'go in the bedroom and shut the door and don't come out or I am going to piece you up'. (That is a new phrase, 'piece you up' that I have learned from him. I never heard anyone else say that before. Have any of you?) Well you know this time I was feeling very brave and sick of the whole thing and sick to death of being threatened like that! So I started to do what he said but then something said edit it inside of me and I turned around and got right in his face with all my anger making me strong and I said 'OK, go ahead then, piece me up; I want you to piece me up then! Do it, do it! Because I am just looking for something to use to have your edit locked up' I seriously thought this is it, I am going to get beat up now, but I didn't care. I was so sick of him holding that over my head and trying to intimidate me with that crap, I was like 'just do it then'; because then I knew I could seriously have him locked back up for awhile if he did. I was so brave & angry I just stood there waiting. But he just turned away then and went on getting ready for work and didn't say another thing to me. I don't know but I felt like I won a victory that day. Now I joke with him about getting 'pieced up'. Today when I went to work I said; 'now I want you to be here when I get home from work and if you're not I'm going to piece you up!' We laughed.

And JP bless you for reading all of my posts. That is so sweet and means so much to me that someone cares. Titantoo, why continue? I have no idea except I just don't feel that I can leave him right now. He has some kind of hold on me that I can't figure out.

Isadora

I just hope it works out somehow...but meanwhile please be careful. I would hate for you to be badly hurt!

Thanks! Oh I forgot to mention, when the counselor did the intake assessment in the morning at the shelter and we came to the part where I told her about my situation and that I had married an inmate she stopped, put her pen down and looked at me in disbelief. She said in one of those thunderstruck tones of voice "YOU MARRIED AN INMATE???" So as calmly as I could I said "Look, I didn't come here to be judged, I came here for help." Right then I knew that she was not going to be able to help me as she had no clue as to what I was about.

Isadora I'm so sorry that they treated you that way.. I really hope that you find a out of this relationship cause it is not safe for you.. But until you do please be safe.

I hope you get the book soon Isadora.... everything is explained so well there, it's a real eye-opener. The author describes a few types of abusive men and your husband fits so well with one or two he describes.

About what you said him having some kind of hold over your; that would be traumatic bonding or the Stockholm syndrome. It's very strong. That's why it's so hard for abused women to leave. It's harder to leave an abusive man than it is to leave a non-abusive man.

Be sure your husband doesn't get a hold of that book because all of your questions are answered there. I just finished reading it and it was definitely a huge healing step for me since I understand so much more now.

You will find the right time to leave him soon. Just be sure to prepare yourself well beforehand.... there are very good suggestions in the book what to do when you're preparing to leave.

What he did with the police is a textbook example of how men like that twist everything around to their advantage, and how they get their own "team mates". And your husband is right; this IS war and he intends to win it. Don't let him win, but be very careful.

You are in my thoughts my dear :)

I will pray for your safety. I am truly afraid that one day he is gonna seriously injure you.

ONE

Isadora~I have thought about you, prayed for you, worried too. You have to do things in the best way that you know how. I'm not gonna bash your husband that gets us nowhere. You are a smart woman, you know what you need to do, I only hope you do it before you are seriously injured.

Patty

You need to find that strength. Most men who abuse their wives have some form of "hold" on them. Most are codependent.

Im going to go against the grain here, but if it were me, I would document everything, tape record conversations, etc. and then I would put him in prison.
I would call the police, have him arrested, press charges, testify against him at his trial. There is something wrong with this man and eventually, he is going to snap.

I fear seeing you one the news one day isadora, or your story that is. This is your life, only you can save your life. Please, if you need to talk pm me and I will give you my number. You need to get away from him.

I'm very sad to have to read this from you. I was one who had hoped that you would have left him during the other thread about "even the theripist thinks I should leave him". What he did with the police was to lay the ground work for the next time the police are called. "Officer Roberts gave me his card and said that if I have any more problems with her to call him." He will tell the police anything he can to make you look like the problem child. I wouldn't be shocked if you two get into a fight and he punches you in the chest, then he smacks his head against the wall to give himself a black eye. Police come and see no marks on you but he has a black eye, so guess who wins? He does. Your being set up because you just got arrested for DV. He'll tell the police that he doesn't want to press charges against you but it's now state v isodora and I'm sure that he'll have a wonderful performance after knowing this.

I wish you luck.

It's nice to hear an update, but I do hope you find the strength to leave for good soon because he will not ever change and things will get worse. It's a cycle to be mean and be nice. Not a nice way to live. Take care.

So that's what it's called Rox? The Stockholm syndrome? That's what this power he has over me is called? Cause it is very real and even though my head tells me to leave please believe me when I say that I cannot. If you have not been in a relationship like this then you cannot understand that leaving and staying gone is just not that easy. I am going to read more about the Stockholm syndrome, I will look it up online til the book comes. Hopefully the book explains it? I ordered it online so hopefully it will be here soon. Thanks for the advice Rox, I will keep the book in my locker at work so he won't be able to get ahold of it. I am really looking forward to reading it and finding some explanations about what is going on.

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Societal Stockholm Syndrome
The term, Stockholm Syndrome, was coined in the early 70's to describe the puzzling reactions of four bank employees to their captor. On August 23, 1973, three women and one man were taken hostage in one of the largest banks in Stockholm. They were held for six days by two ex-convicts who threatened their lives but also showed them kindness. To the world's surprise, all of the hostages strongly resisted the government's efforts to rescue them and were quite eager to defend their captors. Indeed, several months after the hostages were saved by the police, they still had warm feelings for the men who threatened their lives. Two of the women eventually got engaged to the captors.

The Stockholm incident compelled journalists and social scientists to research whether the emotional bonding between captors and captives was a "freak" incident or a common occurrence in oppressive situations. They discovered that it's such a common phenomenon that it deserves a name. Thus the label, Stockholm Syndrome, was born. It has happened to concentration camp prisoners, cult members, civilians in Chinese Communist prisons, pimp-procured prostitutes, incest victims, physically and/or emotionally abused children, battered women, prisoners of war, victims of hijackings, and of course, hostages. Virtually anyone can get Stockholm Syndrome it the following conditions are met:

Perceived threat to survival and the belief that one's captor is willing to act on that threat
The captive's perception of small kindnesses from the captor within a context of terror
Isolation from perspectives other than those of the captor
Perceived inability to escape.
Stockholm Syndrome is a survival mechanism. The men and women who get it are not lunatics. They are fighting for their lives. They deserve compassion, not ridicule.
Psychologist Dee Graham has theorized that Stockholm Syndrome occurs on a societal level. Since our culture is patriarchal, she believes that all women suffer from it--to widely varying degrees, of course. She has expanded on her theories in Loving to Survive: Sexual Terror, Men's Violence, and Women's Lives, which is well worth reading. While Graham's book can get quite harsh, it does end on a hopeful note: The most reliable way to deal with Socketal Stockholm Syndrome is to develop strong friendships and political alliances with feminist women.

Graham's theory is controversial and it tends to put many women on the defensive. Still, I think it's a much more convincing explanation of women's "self-destructive" behavior than such theories as "masochism" and "codependency". I also know from personal experience that Graham is "right on" with her view that feminist activism is the best way to deal with Societal Stockholm Syndrome. In college, my feminist friends saved me from some emotionally abusive romantic relationships. In discussing why many women like John Gray's books, I think we should take Graham's theory seriously.

As I read Loving to Survive, I thought of all the women who lambasted Susan Hamson for criticizing John Gray. It reminded me of the Stockholm captives who resisted the police and protected their captors. I also thought of Oprah Winfrey, who understandably wants a soul mate but gets ridiculed for that desire because she's "too successful and too independent". The lack of social support undoubtedly has had an isolating effect, especially considering the groundless rumors a few years ago about her "lesbianism". While I cringe at her support of John Gray, I must admit that he's never ridiculed her for wanting a "great guy". Gray's anatomy plays very well into Societal Stockholm Syndrome, as it manipulates women's fear of being alone but also shows "compassion" for their problems. "Dr" Gray did say, "Men are notorious for giving less in relationships" (MMWV, p. 191). But he never told them how to really give more.

Graham's Societal Stockholm Syndrome Theory probably can't be "proven", but neither can most other psychological theories. Nonetheless, I think Graham's ideas are invaluable resources for anyone who wants to build alternatives to Mars&Venus.



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Copyright @ 1999 Kathleen Trigiani. All rights reserved.

Wow. I feel so much better now that I have a name to put on what I am going through. Ever since we have been together I have felt like I am his hostage! This describes it perfectly and hopefully everyone can better understand now why it is so hard for a battered woman to leave her husband. I feel like someone turned a light on, thank you so much Rox for mentioning this.

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Stockholm Syndrome
Bonding to one's captor (abuser) is a survival strategy for victims that has been observed in a variety of hostage-taking situations. This strategy was labeled Stockholm Syndrome after a hostage situation in a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in 1973. Three (3) women and one (1) man were held hostage for six days by two (2) men. During this period, the four hostages and their captors bonded bi-directionally. The hostages even came to see their captors as protecting them from the police! Following the release of the hostages, one of the women became engaged to one of the captors, another of the hostage started a 'defense fund'. All this was done in the face of the fact that the hostages were bound with dynamite and generally mistreated! Such bonding to one's captor / abuser no longer considered unusual by professionals who negotiate with hostage-takers. In fact, it is encourage its development, for it improves the chances for survival of the hostages, despite the fact that it means the officials can no longer count on the cooperation of the hostages in working for their own release or in later prosecuting captors.

Bonding with an abuser maybe the universal survival strategy for victims of interpersonal abuse. Studies of other hostage-like groups seem to bare this out. -- These groups are:

Hostages
Concentration Camp prisoners
cult members
prisoners of war
civilians in Chinese Communist prisons
procured prostitutes
incest victims
physically and/or emotionally abused children
battered women
Four Situation Factors that are Precursor to Stockholm Syndrome:
Perceived threat to one's physical or psychological survival and the belief that the captor would carry out the threat.
Perceived small kindness from the captor to the captive.
(Note: letting the captive live is enough.)
Isolation from perspectives other than those of the captor.
Perceived inability to escape.
Psychodynamics' Underlying Stockholm Syndrome
An abuser traumatizes a victim (who does not believe they can escape, or truly can not) with a threat to the victim's survival. The traumatized victim, who perceives isolation from outsiders; who could provide nurturance and protection, must look to the abuser to meet those needs. If the abuser shows the victim some small kindness, the victim then must bond to the perceived positive side of the abuser, denying (or dissociating) the side of the abuser that produced the terror. The victim begins to work to see the world from the abuser's perspective so that they may know what keeps the abuser happy, thus helping to insure the victim's survival. As a result the victim becomes hypervigilant to the abuser's needs and unaware of their own. The victim comes to see the world from the perspective of the abuser, losing touch with their own perspective, which is unimportant or even counter-productive to their survival. With the denial of the violent side of the abuser, comes denial of the danger. It becomes progressively harder to separate from the abuser due to the fear of losing the only positive relationship identity that remains -- her/ himself as seen through the abuser's eyes (which in the case of the adult victim has replaced any previous sense of self, for a child this may be, and often is, the only sense of self known).

Treatment for Stockholm Syndrome:
Lessen the conditions that produce Stockholm Syndrome
Isolation - Help the client identify sources of supportive intervention; Self-help groups or group therapy (group needs to be homogeneous to needs), also hot lines, crisis centers, shelters and friends.
Violence - As victims in abusive relationships minimize the abuse, or are in so much denial it may be necessary to ask directly about the different types of violent behavior. Many woman (and children) are confused about what is acceptable male (parental / authority) behavior. Journal keeping, autobiographical writing, reading of first hand accounts or seeing films that deal with abuse may be helpful to clients.
Perceived Kindness - Encourage the client to develop alternative sources of nurturance and caring (see #1).
Validating both Love and Terror - Helping the client integrate both disassociated 'sides' of the abuser, will assist her in giving up her dream that the relationship will become what she had hoped it would be.
Eric synthesized the above from these references:

Grahm, D. Ph.D. & Rawlings, E. Ph.D. "Bonding with Absuive Dating Partners: Dynamics of Stockholm Syndrome." Dating Violence, Women in Danger ed. Barrie Levy. Seal Press. Seattle, Wa. 1991.
- - - "Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD" Address, Western Clinical Confrence MP&D April 12, 1992. Costa Masa, CA.

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It totally baffles me why someone would stay in a relationship like yours. I'm not putting you down, I just don't understand. I couldn't live like that. And the woman that did the intake at the shelter had better rethink things if she assumes all inmates are batterers. Please for your sake get out of there and don't go back. One day he will hurt you badly or worse. Good luck.

I cannot thank you enough Rox.

Don't thank me. Your instincts have been telling you all along what is right for you, that's why you're still with him. I just gave you a name for it.

As the book will tell you (and your instincts have been telling you all along); the danger of severe physical abuse greatly increases right after a woman leaves her abuser (statistics show that). That's why it's essential for you to start preparing right now; by having a bag with clothes stacked away, having a safe place to go to, having enough money (or a creditcard he can not have terminated), having enough gas in the car, letting someone you trust know of the abuse (someone in your family for example) and you need friends who will stick by you when the time comes to sign the papers for divorce and everything that goes along with that. I had my brother with me every step of the way in my case and I wouldn't have been able to face my ex if it wasn't for my brother.

We are all thinking about you and please keep us posted to let us know you're ok... ok?

WOW I never knew there was a nmae for it either.

Isadora, I KNOW exactly what you are going thru. I'm SO happy to see you're still alive. It took me years to leave my husband. And Rox is right, you need supporters you can lean on. You need someone there for you when you aren't feeling strong to give you the strength. PLEASE believe me when I say IT CAN BE DONE! I'm LIVING proof! Please Isadora, make a plan. Set the motions going. You DESERVE better then this!

((((HUGS))))

Stacy

Isadora - if you go back and read your posts from the beginning, you're going to see again all the times you've hoped for the best, just been too scared, hoped again, left again, hoped again, went to counselling again. Now you're bopping in and out of shelters. Girl, get it straight!! You have an addiction, (to a guy) and you need to break it. You're just playing with your drug, and it's going to kill you, sure as can be. Your "best intentions" are nothing but you fooling yourself. Make your plans, take control of your life again, and kick your habit. It doesn't matter if it has a name, it doesn't matter if you're not going to leave.

All the times you've been advised are no darn good, all the prayers, all the good wishes . . . they mean nothing if you don't summon up the strength to run your own life. Face it, you've let him play you all the way, and you've cooperated. Now you're really getting to crunch time, because he's got you set up and playing his game. Do you have the deed to the house, your financial accounts, all that stuff, somewhere outside the house? In a safe deposit box? Do you have a friend to stash some clothes and such with, or a place to keep things at work? If you won't take those steps and actually work to get yourself to safety for good, then you're just tripping with everyone here, and with yourself.

There is NOTHING good going to come of this, and he's not the last man on earth. Go find yourself something better.

That sounds pretty harsh, as I read over it, but all the nice words aren't getting through to you, apparently. I apologize, if this seems over the top to you.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say that hasn't been said.I agree with Stacy, I'm glad your still alive.

Thank you to those who can empathize with me, and for the others who seem to have no clue as to what this is all about, please read the articles I posted on Stockholm syndrome so you can have a better understanding and not be so quick to judge. I am feeling angry now and don't think I will post here anymore.

Honey I justed want to say you are living the life I live for 12 years and yes it does get worse. I went thur a phase were I started standing up for myself, a couple of times he would walk away, and then the hitting started I would fight back with all my heart. Then I gave up I would lay there as he hit me praying to God that he would stop. You are going to have to make the decision on when you are ready to leave. No one can tell you when or that you should because it makes you want to work harder at trying to make this work or because you know the loving and kind side of him. When your time has come and you are ready to leave you must have a plan and people to support you because you can't do it alone. You will be in my prayers for God to watch over you and protect you.