Greetings PTO, I know most of u are probably not familiar with me, but about 2 months ago, I posted because I was involved in an abusive relationship with my husband, and to make a long story short, I had him arrested back in October for abusing me, ( he had CDV HAN,pointing and presenting a firearm,possession of a firearm during a violent crime, and kidnapping) Well, of course I did the thing that most of us do, which was work with the Prosecutor's office in trying to get him sentenced lightly, so that we could "work things out".He was released on 1/19/2005, after serving 3 months in county, he was placed on probation and was to attend alcohol treatment, anger mgt, and cdv counseling, as well as be subject to random alcohol screenings.he did good with not drinking for about 2 wks, and the the drinking resumed, and when the drinking resumed, the temper started to come out AGAIN.Well, after a night of drinking on last thursday, he came home and began to choke me, and drew his fist back as if he were going to punch me.The fight started because he said that he was going to take my car, and i advised him if he were going out, that he wouldnt take my vehicle.When I met my husband, I pretty much had it together, i have a degree, I own a home, and I have two cars,he had nothing so I feel that he always felt intimidated by that.So when I told him not to take my car, he began to choke me, I had my sister call the police, when the police came to my house, he ran from the police, they chased him, but they lost him. The next day I went to Victims Advocates office to sign the warrant for his arrest.They ended up catching him after he took them on a high speed chase. He is now in jail awaiting his court date. He's already called me begging me yesterday to drop the chargs. Puhleeze, fool me once- shame on me, fool me twice and Im the damned fool.I have already started the proceedings for getting divorced started through the legal assistance dept. Just anyone who has been where I am, just tell me what it was like for you, as far as what kinda emotional changes I should expect to go through, and have u since found happiness, etc.any little bit of info would help. Thanks and God Bless.I just thank God that I was strong enough to get out early,we had only been married 7 months.God Bless, ButtaFlyy:thumbsup:

I was with my ex-husband for a year before we got married, after (and I mean hours after) we were married he decided that I became his property. Well, it's my nature to buck anyone who tries to tell me what to do and I did just that. Two weeks after we were married he got sick and tired of me making my own choices and almost killed me. He ripped hair out of my head, choked me, and the beating was so severe that I lost the hearing in my right ear. I got away and got to the hospital. The police came and I signed the papers there. He wasn't picked up for a week and it was the longest week of my life. I worked with the Prosecutors office and had him charged with the maximum they could get him for, which was Felonious Assult. My divorce was in the works the day after the beating and I've never looked back or spent one minute regretting the actions I took to save my life.

Buttafly,

It takes a lot of courage to do what you did and you are such an inspirtation for women who might be going or will be going through the very same thing. It's not easy to think of yourself first and what you need and not put up with something that is not acceptable to you. Human nature I think is to want to believe people will change, but it always gets down to a person will change only when they do the work necessary to change and not before.
My prayers and thoughts are with you

for me, After 5 years of both physical and mental abuse...I finally decided to leave. Although I was still very much in love with him, I just knew that what was happening was NOT right. I saw the affect that it was having on my son and step-daughter. THAT WAS MY BREAKING POINT. The thing that broke my heart the most was leaving my step-daughter. I have to admit that it took a while for me to get over him and realize what a monster he really was. Then I started to hate him. I filed for a divorce and never looked back. Yeah, he called crying that he loved me and this and that, but I was NOT hearing it. I was a good wife, I did not deserve to be treated that way. He took me for granted and he lost me.

Now I am happily in love with a wonderful man that would NEVER EVEN THINK of laying a hand on me in any way that would ever hurt me.

Looking back I don't regret it one bit. It was a learning experience that I will never have to go through ever again.

Good luck & God bless you!!
You should never have to go through that again. Love yourself!!!!

The last straw for me is when my ex got out of prison (again) and got into my apartment and held me captive for 24 hours. They are currently looking for him and are going to charge him with a third strike.

Here's what you will probably go through: He'll try to call you from jail and will write love letters that confess all of his love to you and he'll tell you that he's never loved anyone the way that he loves you. He will tell you that he will do whatever you want him to do from now on. I'm sure that you've heard it all before. Even after everything he put you through, you'll probably miss him terribly, but DON'T GIVE IN. I missed Billy so badly, but over time I slowly got over it. It wasn't until I realized that he could very well kill me that I finallly snapped out of it.


Here's the happy ending: I have moved on! But I got counseling that helped a great deal. I receive free counseling through the Victim/Witness Program. Check it out in your area. I HAVE MY LIFE BACK and I am embracing it! I have a wonderful boyfriend that is so respectful and sweet...I have gone back to school and I am doing any activity that I want. I even just went to an audition at a playhouse here in my city. That is something I never could have done while I was in an abusive relationship. I wasn't even allowed to go to the store by myself. I FEEL LIKE A REAL PERSON NOW AND NOT AN OBJECT! Take back everything that he took from inside of you and run with it. Get involved in the things you like to do! It will take time! At first it will be horrible, at least it was for me...but I rode through it because I decided that I had no other choice but to move on. Being with an abusive guy was not an option. Feel free to PM me! You are in my thoughts!

Peace....Not a victim/survivor of DV yet I have met so many. My hats goes off to all of you who made the decision to live this life without violence. Always maintained that women/men do not love/like violence yet they love their mates...there is a difference. Its a relationship...and ending one is a process...feelings of joy; pain; did I do the right thing; perhaps it was my fault; perhaps I should have, could have done this differently we could have made it...the issues and reasons that come into our heads varie. Bottom line, EVERYONE deserves to be in a HEALTHY relationship. Problem is so many of us do not know what that is like. There is nothing like peace of mind...you deserve it no matter what anyone thinks. That is your right and your responsibility to make it happen. It takes time to find your balance yet that journey is powerful...you'll make discoveries about yourself. I am looking at this as a relationship. Take time to heal. Read some self help books...would recommend Iyanla Vazant. Give your body a break. Develop some hobbies and interests. Rebuild relationship including one with GOD. Treat yourself to some fun things. Know that you did the right thing by getting out when you did. I used to believe that people make movement when they are ready...I now believe that some of us never reach that point...that we continue to do the same thing over and over again and get the same results. Much respect to what you did. Blessings...

I went through the 5 stages of grief and I've heard that many women do after an abusive relationship. Well, everyone does after splitting up with someone, but I've heard that we take a little longer to do it :)

Here they are:

DENIAL
In the denial stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one. Making an extra cup of tea for our loved one who is no longer there, rushing back to tell someone that you have met an old friend. Flashing back to times and conversations in the past as though they are here with us now. Introducing someone accidentally by your loved ones name to someone else. They can all be part of this stage.
ANGER
We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss. We can become easily agitated having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope with grief in my experience
BARGAINING
Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious with your god. Often we will offer something to try to take away the reality of what has happened. We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the tragic event occurred. It is only human to want thing as they were before
ACCEPTANCE
The final stage of grief. It is when you realize that life has to go on. You may still have thoughts of your loved one, but less intense and less frequent. You can here accept your loss. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. It may take some time to get here but you will.

This is copied from a funeral site, but some of this definitely applies to our situations.

Buttaflyy your story sounds alot like mine; especially about having things and being educated and he has nothing; and also the part about the car. Though my husband hasn't beaten me he is verbally and emotionally abusive and has a terrible temper. He really doesn't like to be told no especially about driving my car when he wants to. I can't even count the number of fights we have had about that one! Anyway we have been married since 2000 but just living together since he got out a year ago. He meets all the criteria that I read on here about signs of an abuser. The strange thing is that he can be so sweet and charming and then turn around and lose his temper completely over nothing! I pray that if the time comes that I need to leave him I will have the strength and courage to do so.

Buttafly - no need to tell my story, but suffice it to say that, since getting free of the situation, I've found, not a new man to fill my life, but peace. That's all I really need; someone to share it with would be lovely, but for now there's me, my horses, and spring coming on. That's pretty darn good.
Good fortune to you.

Buttafly,

It takes a lot of courage to do what you did and you are such an inspirtation for women who might be going or will be going through the very same thing. It's not easy to think of yourself first and what you need and not put up with something that is not acceptable to you. Human nature I think is to want to believe people will change, but it always gets down to a person will change only when they do the work necessary to change and not before.
My prayers and thoughts are with you
I agree with Sunnie. I wasn't married to this guy but, I was in a relationship with him for 2 1/2 years. The first 2 years were great...I thought he was the sweetest, kindest man I had ever met. Boy, was I wrong. The abuse didn't start until I moved in with him...it wasn't 2 weeks after I moved in..then, that's when it started. At first, he would just push me..or grab me by my arms...cuss me..spit at me, etc. The first time he actually HIT me...I was so shocked...I couldn't believe what had just happened. This went on..and he threatened to kill me if I ever left him and/or found someone else. His words were along the line of "I'll make SURE you are never with anyone else...if you aren't with me...you won't be with anybody...don't test me". I was scared to death to leave..so, I endured the beatings...the trips to the hospital...all of that. Until the night came he held a knife to my throat. At that moment I knew I had to make a choice. Either I would stay with him OR I would choose life. I chose my life...and pressed charges against him. It was hard for me to take that step...but, it was without a doubt one of the best choices I have ever made in my life.
I didn't mean to ramble on and on...I just wanted to let ya know that I know (to an extent) what you are going through...and I wanted to offer you some (((huggs))).

Selena

Greetings PTO, I know most of u are probably not familiar with me, but about 2 months ago, I posted because I was involved in an abusive relationship with my husband, and to make a long story short, I had him arrested back in October for abusing me, ( he had CDV HAN,pointing and presenting a firearm,possession of a firearm during a violent crime, and kidnapping) Well, of course I did the thing that most of us do, which was work with the Prosecutor's office in trying to get him sentenced lightly, so that we could "work things out".He was released on 1/19/2005, after serving 3 months in county, he was placed on probation and was to attend alcohol treatment, anger mgt, and cdv counseling, as well as be subject to random alcohol screenings.he did good with not drinking for about 2 wks, and the the drinking resumed, and when the drinking resumed, the temper started to come out AGAIN.Well, after a night of drinking on last thursday, he came home and began to choke me, and drew his fist back as if he were going to punch me.The fight started because he said that he was going to take my car, and i advised him if he were going out, that he wouldnt take my vehicle.When I met my husband, I pretty much had it together, i have a degree, I own a home, and I have two cars,he had nothing so I feel that he always felt intimidated by that.So when I told him not to take my car, he began to choke me, I had my sister call the police, when the police came to my house, he ran from the police, they chased him, but they lost him. The next day I went to Victims Advocates office to sign the warrant for his arrest.They ended up catching him after he took them on a high speed chase. He is now in jail awaiting his court date. He's already called me begging me yesterday to drop the chargs. Puhleeze, fool me once- shame on me, fool me twice and Im the damned fool.I have already started the proceedings for getting divorced started through the legal assistance dept. Just anyone who has been where I am, just tell me what it was like for you, as far as what kinda emotional changes I should expect to go through, and have u since found happiness, etc.any little bit of info would help. Thanks and God Bless.I just thank God that I was strong enough to get out early,we had only been married 7 months.God Bless, ButtaFlyy:thumbsup:




Terresgirl

I wish you the best !
It's been 2 days since the police escorted him away from here .
I miss him and I'm hurt!
Try too find your way by talking too god try not too be bitter and don't blame your self. It's hard for me and the same darn thing happened too me. I worry if I can ever find work cause I am on socail security and he had the nerve too tell me too split my money mother give to me and doesn't give me a dime. Good luck BuTta Flyy! The same thing don't get in my car! He goes and I really don't know where he is.
I can only believe what he tells me
I don't! God Bless:( Trust your instincts

I spent...something like two years with a man who ended up being abusive. It was the weirdest thing. In the beginning he was just as sweet as could be, unless he got a few drinks in him. Then as time went on the few drinks got to be more and more, but he didn't want to hear that he was drinking too much. The minute you said anything about it he went high and to the right.

I think I figured out what was going on the night he came home drunk and trashed the house and went after me, and I called the police. When the police came he was sitting in the garage smoking a cigarette. He claimed he hadn't caused any of the destruction in the house (it looked like a herd of elephants had been through it) -- and then he tried to get the cops to arrest ME because my car registration was out of date. :eek:

Even with all the crap he put me through, it was hard to get away from him. You just keep remembering how great they are when they aren't being awful. But I left and did not look back and I'm glad I did. I've since heard he put his next girlfriend in the hospital. :(

Realising that you have become part of an abusive relationship is sometimes the hardest part. You seem to spend most of your life making excuses for their behaviour and feeling totally confused.
The day you wake up and realise that someone is actually harming you on a regular basis and it is NOT your fault is a terrible day.
From then on it is even worse because you now know that it is a bad situation and you aren't doing anything about it.
The next step comes when you decide to do something. Leave, take legal action - whatever.
It is never easy to free yourself from this cycle of violence and blame.

Be strong and true to yourself and your values.
You can make it through this mess. I did, and in doing so saved my life and my child's.
Make the future rich for yourself and don't spend too long looking backwards. You can't change the past but you can shape the future.

Good luck.
Rach xx

Been there. When he was good, he was very, very good. When he was bad - it was hell on earth! His problem was alcohol and when he drank too much, he'd have blackouts. I feel he probably used drugs also but have no proof of that. Using tough love is the only way to go. It was not easy to leave but I knew my life was in danger if I stayed. Al Anon really helped me sort things out and come to terms with my decision to leave and get a divorce. Nobody should have to live in a situation where they get beat up, where they sleep with one eye and one ear open in case he goes into a rampage during the night, where he uses and abuses you constantly, etc. The man has a serious problem and you can't fix it. HE has to be the one to say that he needs help and then HE has to be the one to get that help. Even then, many don't make it.