for all the girls who's man got out of jail and then yall broke up... i want to know do you blame yourself or him? and since yall broke up do u wish u never waited on him in the first place??? just want to know..thanks

Last time Shane got out of jail, we broke up becuase he started using crack again and I was trying to go to school and he was lying and stealing and stuff and i had been thruogh all of that with him before. I think that I blame both of us becuase I was not sure what to do with him when he got out of jail. He wasn't on probation or anything like that so there was no real suport for him. He was just realeased and he tried really hard for a few months but I was in school and other then the 500 a month he got for welfare he was not bringing in any money, so i was supporting us, which made him feel bad. he decided to phone some guys he met in jail and work for them delivering drugs. I told him it was a bad idea becuase he would just start using again, but he said "no" he had been sober fr 9 monthes.
so whatever, he started using agian and i almost didn't finish school and stuff. it was hard and I do Balme myself, not completly, but i really didn't know what he needed to stay clean. i used to use a lot of drugs myself but i was never a addict and could always stop when i wanted to, but i did not understand how to help a real addict. i tryed and he tryed and in the end i think we both got frustrated.
he is now in the federal jail for 2.5 yrs and we have started talking agian. i will always love him but don't know if i can ever do that again. he went back to jail 3 weeks after i left. i actaully left and moved 3000kms away from him. it was too hard to even be in the same town as him as he always came home and needed something.
I don't regret waiting for him, becuase he doesn't really have anyone in his life and my mom once told me that even if he is not with me, maybe one day he will remember that he was loved and cared about and that will help him get better. you never forget some one who was kind to you, so if in anyway I have helped him or made him feel better it was worth it. Everyone needs to be loved because why would you even bother to try and change if no one cared.
sorry it was so long

I blame him mainly because it really is his fault.I did nothing but love,wait and support him and he made promises he wasn't 100% sure he could keep which he now admits was a huge mistake on his part.

I do think I have a part in it but I wouldn't say I blame myself.I think I should have known from our history together to not get so involved and attached until AFTER he was home and free awhile and had time to figure out what he really wanted.

Do I regret waiting? That is a real tough one for me to answer because in a way I do as if I wouldnt have I wouldn't be going through the loss and heartache I am now but then again I don't because I had to give our love a second chance as we were each others first loves and I have never loved anyone else and I was very happy (aside from missing him) with him and our relationship for the most part during the time he was away and after he came home was just wonderful until the end.I guess to be honest right now I lean more towards yes I do regret it,maybe I'll feel differently once I start healing and getting over this a little.

What a good question!

No, I absolutely don't blame myself. I didn't stick the needle in his arm or his "other needle" into that girl. He had everything going for him. But, it all just wasn't good enough.

Do I regret waiting? Yes. I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years and rebounded into another huge mistake, and waited 4 more years for him. He lied, stole, cheated and started using again. When he uses, he gets so nasty, he's like schizophrenic. He was putting me back with my ex again, and I wasn't going to waste 4 years of therapy to get this far, on a man who didn't care one s**t.

Do I still love him? Yes, with all my heart. Will he come back here? No! I told him in the beginning we would not be friends if he broke my heart and there was another woman, and he went even furthur, saying things to me, that just about put me into a hospital. He knew and he did it anyways. I will never forgive him for that.

Am I over him? Yes. He cut me half and I am done.

My take on it: huge case of immaturity, no coping skills, never taking responsibility for himself, always blaming others for everything. He needs to be in a drug rehab/mental institution. He has something buried deep inside of him that is eating him up. Something he can't face and the pain just drives him. Prison does nothing for him. He's clean, he is a model prisoner and a sweetheart. As soon as he hits the streets, he's in it again and turns into the meanest s.o.b. that I ever met.

Do I regret everything I did for him, loving him, trying to help him? No. Never. Like magoo said, maybe he will remember that someone loved him, despite himself. He has no one now. As far as his family goes, it is tough love time. I am right there with them. His mother tells me, "He does love you", but if you don't love yourself how can you love someone else? He has called twice, madder than hell, and I can tell in his voice he is so hurt, but still calling me names and screaming and swearing at me, but it was him or me. He was destroying everything I had accomplished and I had to get him out of here. His mother said if you hear him on the phone, hang up. If you hear his voice on the answering machine, erase it. Don't even listen to it. She has done this, been there, for 25 years and they are done. This was the last straw. She is furious what he did to me. She said I am the nicest girl he has ever been with, and when he comes around he is going to realize what he lost.

She said you are the last thing he has left and the best thing that ever happened to him and he knows how much you love him. He will be calling you or writing you and when he is found and arrested, he will be telling you how sorry he is. (I ALREADY KNOW!) But, I am just going to write, "no longer resides at this address" and stick it back in the box. I just have to be strong. I have to remember, him hitting the skids is his only hope. He has to do this on his own. Every time the phone rings his mother or I wait to see if someone is calling from a hospital or morgue. He has a choice, life or death, and we just have to see which way he chooses to go.

I have my kids to take care of and I need to take care of me to do it. This whole experience actually broke me loose from all the mess in my head from my ex and then him. I have actually found a purpose, my goal if you will, motivation, self esteem, and I know how much I can actually love someone. This has actually been a truly blessed gift and I thank God everyday for "having my back"!

Luna made me realize I had to add something else.Do I regret loving him? No I don't regret loving him and doing all I have done for him and his children,if I had to do it all over again I would because I love this man with every inch of my being,no one has ever loved him or supported him the way I have and I can only hope he remembers that but I do regret waiting or rather not waiting until he was home for awhile and positive what he wanted before getting back together after our lengthy break up.

My story is a little different. He "left me" by dying, but I honestly think that we would not have been together much longer had he lived anyway.

Do I ever wish I would have never met him?

NO! Because he was one of the two greatest loves of my life. I have a beautiful, healthy son from him.

Do I wish things would have turned out differently?

YES...for his sake and mine. The pain I went through from his death was unbearable and to this day brings tears to my eyes. I dont' know how I survived through all of the trauma. I was nine months pregnant when he died. The pain was absolutely hideous. It still is on some days.

I don't really blame either of us. I mostly blame his disease of alcohol and drug addiciton for how things turned out. When he wasn't using, we were so happy. I blame his horrible childhood that helped him to make the terrible choices that he made in life. I blame me a little bit because of my codependent behaviors...always trying to "fix" his problems and get him out of the jams that he got himself into. My father was a criminal defense attorney (how convenient is THAT?) If I could go back and do it again, I would definately change some of my old behaviors and how I reacted to him but I can honestly say that while I was "in it" I didn't see these things. Now, years later I can see it but I couldn't then.

Would I chage things if I could?

Of course. Alot of my pain that I still have , years later, is that I have so much unfinished business with him. He kissed me goodbye that morning and told me "to drive safe" as he always did...then he was gone forever. I remember thinking..."OMG! I can't get him out of this one!" The pain from his death was absolutely crippling. My son's birth a month later was bittersweet. My son looks JUST like him so I still have the gift of "seeing him" every single day. I still love my husband. I will always love him...till the end. When I was walking into the funeral home, before I saw him dead in the casket, I didn't want to "round the corner" to go into the room where his body was. I was crying and screaming hysterically like a wounded animal. His family "pushed me" into the room. When I saw him, I remembered all of the times he was sleeping on the couch. I remember all of the times when he was alive and sleeping and I would think OMG that's what he is going to look like in his casket. ...and there he was. I knew , before he died, that he was headed down the path of self-destruction.

BIG SIGH...
Raina

********{Luna and Cali}}}}}
so sorry for you guys.
:***(
sniff sniff
Raina

Thank you Raina.I am so sorry you lost your loved one.HUGS back to you.

hugs to magoo too.
Raina

UGH I have tears streaming down my face right now. This was 15 YEARS ago. My son is 15. Will the pain EVER go away???
I am so glad that I found this site...it really helps me. I wish I would have had a place like this to come to all those years ago.
Raina

Raina,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only pray that Jason will eventually "see" and bring himself around.

I, too, have co-dependency behaviors and I was falling into it. I thank God I have been in counceling this whole time, and I saw and felt it happening and put a screeching halt to it.

But, ultimately, the choice to use and sc**w around was his. He made it easy for me to throw him out.

I feel sorry for him because he needs major help and he is not going to get it. He will either die, get caught and sent back to prison where they do nothing for you, or he will decide to fight for himself and his soul.

The only one who can help him now is himself and God. All I can do is pray for him.

EXACTLY Luna...I have read all of your posts for months now. EVERY single time I read one from you I am screaming ...YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!! those were EXACTLY the kinds of things I SHOULD have been doing all those years ago but I just couldn't SEE IT while I was in it. If I had done some of the things that YOU are doing NOW , he might still be alive today. I was always behind him scraping up his messes. At one point, his parole officer even came to our home when she knew he wasn't going to be there. She ASKED me if he had a drinking or drug problem and I told her NO!!!!!!!!!! I said no at that time because I was afraid she would send him back to prison (he did a "life sentence"...did 10 years on a 15 to Life for second degree murder...he was 16 when it happened.) UGH!!!!!!!!!! I could just KICK myself for that.

You are a strong woman...know in your heart that you are absolutely doing the right thign for Jason. Years from now he may just be thanking you for that.
HUGS HUGS HUGS to you and your children! :)
Raina

for all the girls who's man got out of jail and then yall broke up... i want to know do you blame yourself or him? and since yall broke up do u wish u never waited on him in the first place??? just want to know..thanks

1) I don't blame him or myself. It just was not in the cards. :( But i do hate how he went about things. :mad:

2) I'm glad I waited. Now i dont have wonder what if... And truth be told, my eyes still glaze over when i think about some of the moments we shared. He will always be Daddy. :o I just hope he doesn't always be stupid. :rolleyes:

Now he's calling talking about he wants to see me like some of you said he would. :eek: And I plan to see him too. I want him to know that I forgive him. I also want him to explain how he could do such a thing.

Now I don't blame myself, but I wasn't sure at first...I had fifteen years and a beautiful nine-year old boy who looks just like him. I wish that I had realized much sooner that this marriage/relationship was not meant to be...I KNOW in my heart I have done everything in my power to try and save it but it takes the other party to participate in the rescue...if I didn't share a child with him, I don't think I would have waited...

I feel so sorry for you ladies. Nothing in Life is easy. My husband is still inside but I have the fear will he stay or leave. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Only time will tell. Calif. I know you did the best thing and at least he told you and not by someone else telling you. he lost a good thing.

My guy made the choice to go back to drugs and to leave me for a woman who he could get high with.. When he first got out he lived at the men's shelter and there was a part of me that wondered "had I let him move in with me would this have happened?" He had noone else out here but me, but we wanted to do things right by my kids and having him move right in would not have been right. I asked him a while back if that would have made any difference adn he said no, that he wasn't done yet with that life and that he loved me too much to drag me through that life..

Do I wish I would have not waited on him.. hmmm.. I ask myself that alot, part of me says I wish I never would have met him because even now, I worry about him.. I'm scared he is going to die from his addiction and don't know how I can deal with that.. but then I think of all the wonderful memories we had together and don't regret those at all...

do i blame myself? in a way yes...i should of known how he was

but i blame him..all the promises..all the smiles..they lead me to nothing but lonely nights with tears..

i cant even look back on the prison experience i keep thinking..no way, this is not the same man..im sorry..but is that just me??..im still in shock n we have been off for about 4 months..

I don't think I have let it really hit me yet. I feel like one of those baby spiders, with the long silks on them, flying through the air, looking for a place to land and make a home. I feel somehow disconnected. My mind knows it can't take this all at once. I am channeling all this into positive motivation.

I am so lucky I have been in counceling this whole time, Jason's mom is a gift, my friends have been right with me the whole time, and PTO has been a true blessing because you guys know the score. God has always had my back and provided what I have needed.

I know it is going to hit me sooner or later. Probably after he is arrested and I can relax, knowing that he is not going to call or show up here. He is not dangerous, but what he can do to me mentally scares me.

I thank pipkin for her kind words and Cali and schnuckums take heed. The same goes for you. We need to realize that we have to give ourselves the time and not worry about it. Just let our souls and hearts and minds heal.

Don't automatically right this off, but try going to www.oprah.com and start reading the articles in there. There is a lot of very good reading in there. I find that it helps a lot.

I am no longer with Josh but he is still on the inside, and will be for a long time sadly enough.

I just wanted to stop by and give you all wonderful ladies a big ole hug ((HUG)) Remember, with time comes healing and I know that you can do it!

Lots of love and hugs, :grouphug:

Mel

My situation was 8 years ago.. Who to blame? Both of us.. him for going back to drugs, me for not preparing myself better. But the blame part of it was left behind a long time ago. Blame, like bashing is not healthy for healing.

Do I regret it.. NOT A BIT! If it weren't for him and his actions, I would have never met and married the true love of my life.

UGH I have tears streaming down my face right now. So do I :( Thanks for sharing! That was quite a powerful story.

So sorry you had to endure such pain. WTG for you for not giving up and raising that beautiful boy to be a STRONG independent soul :)

Stacy

I have no regrets, as I feel that for all I done for him I have blessings in abundance in store for me! I also don't blame myself. I was doing right. I was faithful and unconditionally supportive inside and out of prison. Some things just aren't meant to be.