Now with the turn of events my relationship has taken I have a few more things to add about homecomings and being with someone whom was just released from prison

Please know I do not mean this is how every ex inmate feels or how every relationship turns out.It is just my experience and not all of it has to do with his prison time as this has been an on again off again relationship for 16 years so my journey and the ending may be different then most and it may simply be him (my ex) as a person why it happened this way and maybe how it was bound to happen with or without a prison term.Please know also I am not making excuses for him but in hindsight these are some things we discussed on ocassion and things that may have helped lead to the end of our relationship

Maybe some of the other members who's relationship did not survive will see this and add more to it.

Communication really is key but now it has a different meaning for me.When they talk really listen.If they ever share with you that they feel pressured,need space,need freedom,don't know if they can handle a serious relatiomship right now etc. really listen and try and talk it out,get to the bottom of it,do not assume it is a phase and everything will be fine as I did.

Sometimes being free to not have the pressure of doing all the right things and to mess up (IF they choose to ) is easier then being with someone who will be dissapointed in you if you do,it is easier to dissapoint yourself then someone who is invested in your life with you and will be hurt by your actions.

Trying to maintain a serious relationship and have someone to answer to after years of having your life dictated to you in prison is sometimes to much to handle for some.The desire for freedom and to only have yourself to answer to can be great.For some the pressure of maintaining a serious relationship while trying to get reastablished is to much to handle.Some may feel they need to rebuild their life on their terms by themselves with no serious partner.

The love they felt for you when you were their everything in prison may not be as great when they are free.I don't think it necessarily means you were used I think it is something (depending on the person) that they really feel at the time and want to feel when free but some get out and realize it really is not what they want or that they do not feel that way to the extent that you do.

Finally if you have had a rocky road in your relationship from the get go the good changes they make in their lives in prison or once out may be simply that,changes for them not necessarily good changes in relationship aspects.Of course some relationships can be rough and then take a turn for the better but in my case I'm beginning to see that it was the state of the relationship and the way he himself dealt with it from the beginning that lead to the end and was quite possibly bound to end up this way over and over again if we continued it.

Don't want to sound negative in any way for any of you who will be embarking on the homecoming journey I am just sharing my thoughts on MINE.Again all relationships are different,all men and women and how they handle things are different.Some relationships will succeed and some will not just as they would in everday life with no prison time in the picture.

Hey sweetie :)

Thanks for that valuable advice. I know I'm not the only one who is afraid of that happening when my man comes home. The only thing to do is be aware of it and err on the side of caution I guess. You don't sound negative - you speak from experience and I for one will take it to heart.

You have grown from this experience already. Although the outcome isn't what you had wished for at least you are helping others on PTO by sharing your new found perspective on loving someone who has been released from prison. Again, I am sorry for how you are feeling right now. Please feel better.

Cali, the feeling I get from your posts is that you have lived and ae living an experience of great value. It may not have a fairytale ending but what it does have is real life growing, and maybe nobody should ever hope for more. You are a helluva fantastic woman and I think there is bliss down the road for you, and I think you and he will be able to look at each other one day and say, "there stands my true friend."

Thank you for having the courage to share your experience. Sometimes we don't want to hear the bad experiences, but I know I need to.

(((HUGS)) to you for your courage and conviction.

The hard part is, each time we love, we take a risk....behind bars or on the street...it doesn't matter. It is a risk. It is better to have loved and learned than never to have loved at all!

Very well said, girl. Thanks for sharing this with us...I know it was probably tough for you to put all of this in words (I know it would be for me)...and I applaud you for being strong enough to do this! I bet you just helped out a load of people! :yes:

Love ya!
(((huggs)))
Sel

CS,

It sounds like you're doing a little better. I really havent kept up with all your posts on here, but since all this happened i went back and looked at a few of them.

I really liked what you said about listening. I have always had a huge fear that things would not work out like i like to think they will in the future, and in reading some of the posts recently, from you and others in similar situations... it just makes me worry more. I really try to listen and make sure that both of us are on the same page, but it's very hard to be objective with yourself... ya know? :)

In reading some of your past posts... and i dont mean this in a bad way, so i'm sorry if it comes out that way... to me, he had been trying to tell you something since September. Your past posts might be the best thing for you to read yourself to help sort out your thoughts at this time. I know i've had my share of similar relationships where, i know, i just didnt listen, and only kept hoping for what i wanted. I have learned over the years that it takes a strong man to just come out and say he's not sure, or he needs space, or maybe this isnt what he wanted, etc... rather than just lie or avoid that kind of 'talk' altogether and then leave without any indication or closure... and so many times it was simply because it wasnt what i wanted to hear, it just didnt register until it was completely over.

Please dont take the bad out of this experience, take the good, the learning experience out of it, and it will make you an even better partner, friend, person to someone else.

{hugs}

Lyndsey1,
I didn't take it in a bad way as you are right.He was saying those things as far back as Sept. along with the I love you's,I see us heading to marriage etc. I wanted to believe the bad was just phases he was going through and the good stuff was really how it was but that is why I mentioned the things I did as far as listening and not just brushing it off thinking things would be fine and if the relationship is or has been rocky it may still be as in my case that was/is the case.

Oh boy. You sure have been doing some thinking on this one, girl. Good for you because it's what is going to help you grow. I know it sucks. Believe me, I know. I didn't have a choice in what happened to me...it ended and there was no going to ask him what happened and etc and for me, that was the hardest part....all the unfinished business that comes with death...especially sudden death. UGH it STILL hurts 15 years later which sucks. I can honestly say that I don't regret a moment of it all though because I got my beautiful son out of the deal...and a lot of love...at least for awhile anyway. When I read these posts here on PTO part of me wants me to tell these women to RUN for their LIVES since most of these relationships do not work. I hate to see people hurting. I am so sorry for you. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
Raina

((((((((hugs))))))))))) You are an inspiration to us all :)

[QUOTE=California Sunshine]

Sometimes being free to not have the pressure of doing all the right things and to mess up (IF they choose to ) is easier then being with someone who will be dissapointed in you if you do,it is easier to dissapoint yourself then someone who is invested in your life with you and will be hurt by your actions. [quote=california sunshine]


I was one of the ones whose relationship did not last very long after he got out... The above statement was a huge one for us... He ended up getting together with a girl who was a drug addict, just out of prison.. He went back to getting high and always said that he loved me too much to put me through that or to hurt me.... But with her it didn't matter as much because she was right there beside of him getting high with him...

So I would say that if your guy (or gal) has drug issues and you don't come from the same place... be prepared for the possibility of them leaving you because they DO truly care about you and don't want to drag you down with them... For the longest time I would think "how could he leave me for her?? She has nothing to offer him, but a life that he says he wants out of.. But what she does offer him is freedom to screw up without him feeling like he disappointed her.. he couldn't have that with me..

Cali, I am glad to see you are getting through this.... hugs to you!

Cali. you are the bomb girl!!! YOur objective outlook will be a help to all of us who are waiting...I suggest we all print it out and keep it somewhere safe so when our day comes we have it for reference

thanks!!!

Very well put, Cali. It is unfortunate that we must endure times like these but it is even worse when we do not learn from them. You have learned and are learning things that will be valuable in what I"m sure is the bright and happy future that lies ahead of you.

All the best,
Patty

Cali, thanks for sharing your learning experience, especially for those of us whose loved ones havent hit the streets yet. I have taken in what you have said deeply, and will try my hardest to follow your advice and learn from your experience. Thank you once again! Youre a very strong woman.

I think one of the things that gets over looked is that anytime a relationship goes thru a major life event/change, the chances of divorce are greatly multiplied. Many healthy, loving marriages fall apart after the loss of a child, a job, etc.

I was watching Investigative Reports just yesterday and it was on Prison Romances. One couple were together like 7 years and married a couple of years before he was paroled. They didnt make it a year after his release. He said, "when I was in prison, she was my sunshine. But, once I got out, I didnt need her to be my sunshine. I could walk out in the street and see the sun for myself."

I think you have given really good advice that could be applied to any of us who have a loved one in prison whether it's a relative,child, husband or boyfriend. They will be changed by their experience and communication is the key.Sending lots of love and healing thoughts your way Cali... :)

The hard part is, each time we love, we take a risk....behind bars or on the street...it doesn't matter. It is a risk. It is better to have loved and learned than never to have loved at all!

this is how I feel too...

yet i cannot help but be so scared lately, with all I am reading and with my hubby home soon and with what we have been going through together the last few months...

I am afraid of this: "when I was in prison, she was my sunshine. But, once I got out, I didnt need her to be my sunshine. I could walk out in the street and see the sun for myself."

and this scares me:
Sometimes being free to not have the pressure of doing all the right things and to mess up (IF they choose to ) is easier then being with someone who will be dissapointed in you if you do,it is easier to dissapoint yourself then someone who is invested in your life with you and will be hurt by your actions.

Trying to maintain a serious relationship and have someone to answer to after years of having your life dictated to you in prison is sometimes to much to handle for some.The desire for freedom and to only have yourself to answer to can be great.For some the pressure of maintaining a serious relationship while trying to get reastablished is to much to handle.Some may feel they need to rebuild their life on their terms by themselves with no serious partner.

The love they felt for you when you were their everything in prison may not be as great when they are free.I don't think it necessarily means you were used I think it is something (depending on the person) that they really feel at the time and want to feel when free but some get out and realize it really is not what they want or that they do not feel that way to the extent that you do.

but, I have to have faith, I just have too, I do not know what else to do.
we have been questioning things lately, but I just have to believe with all my heart, we will make it...

thanks for sharing all of this - all of you- thanks Cali :)

Excellent post Cali and very true. Thanks for sharing with us, I for one intend to hang on to this post.

thanks.

great points Mrs. G.

I am having so many doubts right now, but I have to have faith.

If I do not have faith, why even do it? this is the first love I ever had faith in, and I not letting it go, if it goes, it goes, but it won't be because I gave up on it...or lost hope in it working out, "when he comes home" what about TODAY? I cherish it all as I get it and take nothing for granted anymore....

Thank you very much for that post California Sunshine.
I am very very sorry about what you're going through even though I don't know you at all.

Your thoughts are exactly my own thoughts. Since I started a relationship with my boyfriend who is in prison I've really tried to *see* the worst case scenario when he gets out.... and this is exactly it. I have discussed it with him, saying that maybe he should be on his own for the first year at least and see where it takes him. We can still "be together" (we don't even live in the same country) but that maybe he needs to be on his own and adjust to freedom on his own terms before committing seriously to me; ie. start living together etc.

The pressure of a relationship along with the pressures of getting ones freedom back is just too much..... it HAS to be. It's common sense.... right? Adjusting to a new person in ones life IS a huge thing.... we all know that who have been there. But getting out of prison after 5, 10, 15 or more years AND have a serious relationship just HAS to be too much for anyone.

I agree with what someone said above; we should save this post for future reference and REALLY take it to heart and REALLY analyze it to the core objectively, for ourselves' sake and our loved ones.

You are a strong woman Cali. Hang in there :)

Thanks everyone I am glad no one took it negative as if I was trying to say this will happen to you.It is what it is for ME and to be honest not only did I want to share it with you all but that post was just a tiny bit theraputic for this broken heart as the more I typed the more I realized this isn't about me or what I lack or what he doesn't see in me this is about him and how are relationship was for 13 years. Doesn't make it feel any better that it is over and he doesn't love me enough and what I thought was my future is not but honestly it was probably bound to be over eventually.

Cali girl-I am glad to see you are managing.

I see a lot of what wrong in mine in your wise words. Thank you for having the courage and strength to post this for others.

God bless hon and I am praying for some peace for you.

Sweetie, I really don't think he doesn't love you enough, he just has to mature and adjust now that he's out.

Whenever I get scared about all this with Nick, I think back to the movie "Something's Gotta Give", where Diane Keaton's character tells her daughter, "I let someone in, and I had the time of my life".

I may be waxing philisophical here, but think of the good times you had and the fact that you wouldn't have had that happiness if you didn't take a chance.

the more I realized this isn't about me or what I lack or what he doesn't see in me this is about him and how are relationship was for 13 years.
I am glad to hear you say that. As I read your post, I was asking if you had regrets. Often we regret the experience because of the pain, but we can't always see how much we have grown and become people that are valuable and worthy of true love.

I too wonder in the recesses of my mind how to make it work. How to be one of the success stories. WE communicate, and communciate, and communicate. But sometimes perspective changes your point of view. So I wonder if when he walks out that gate and sees the sunshine we won't shine as bright as we had in that dimly lit institution. But I too have faith in our relationship. I often wonder if I am seeing the forest and not just the trees.

I thank you Cali for putting a voice to the disappointment and growth. Many times we say it is negative and it's not. What you said was your real story.

CALI,
Thanks for sharing your experience and advice with us!! I think we all need
to really remember the warning signs you shared with us. We all want to believe that everything will be fine and we will live happily ever after when our men are released, but that isn't always the way it turns out unfortunately. I spent 3 yrs with my daughter's father while he was in prison in the 80's his own family wasn't even there for him and 3 yrs after he was released and 18 months after the birth of our daughter he had an affair with his old high school sweetheart, I found out and threw him out!! It broke my heart because I had honestly believed when we were going thru the prison thing that we would be together forever. Just so ya know what comes around goes around 9 yrs later I came in contact with my ex again, the girl he was having the affair with turned out to make him miserable and he admitted what he did to me and our family was the biggest mistake of his life. No, we aren't together now, and believe it or not I'm now involved with someone in prison again, (which I swore back then would never happen again), this time I truly think things will turn out differently, but we just never know. Hang in there girl, I truly know what your going thru and how badly it hurts!! Just remember we are all here for you!!! Thanks again for the advise and for sharing!!!

CA you are the bomb. You are hurting but you still try to help the next person. I wanted to share my thoughts after Daddy acted up but assumed people would take it the wrong way, And coming from me they might have.

So to God be the glory for using you and allowing you to share this with us.
I agree 100% :thumbsup:

The warning sign for me was when our communication ceased. We use to talk about any and everything. A few months before he came home i could barely get him to write once a week. When he got home, he completely shut down.

Thanks for sharing with us your experience because I am sure it has helped some and others that may or may not deal with the same things you did. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I got some nuggets from your post. Thanks!

Your welcome everyone and again thank you for taking it for what it is my experience and for all your love and support

[/QUOTE]Finally if you have had a rocky road in your relationship from the get go the good changes they make in their lives in prison or once out may be simply that,changes for them not necessarily good changes in relationship aspects.[/QUOTE]


I told him this last time I talked to him "You have made good changes in your life and I wish you well but you haven't changed at all as far as women and relationships go and for that you are an *** and I am a fool.A fool for believing my loved changed you and and *** for letting me believe it did" or something to that effect.


I think that is one of the hardest things in dealing with all this that he really has made good changes in his life for HIM (At least as far as I know although I have a weird gut instinct that maybe he really hasn't) but didn't make any good changes for US or for ME when I have stood by him,loved him,supported him and been devoted to him through his whole prison term and 15 years of our lives.I at least thought his changes would have made him a better man in dealing with relationships and he would not be able to do something like this to ME of all people :(

Just thinking more about this,trying to work it all out of my mind (yah right!)




Anyways any of you other ladies going through this have anything to add?

VERY WELL PUT Cali!!! As someone who has gone through the crappy home coming.... I feel ya 110% over here!!!!! I KNOW he loves me but the damn drugs got his mind all fu**ed up right now.... that's his problem now though because I TRIED to help him.... he didn't want my help so now I gotta help myself and get far far away!!!!! Thanks for thgis sweetie, I hear ya loud and clear hon!!!!!!

Thank you so much for sharing this. It means a lot to me to read this and see the possible truth of my life with him. Gracias!

I'm also one of those relationships that did'nt work out after he got home. Having sead that, I would like to add that, I believe in my heart that we would have been OK had it not been for the parole conditions. One sead that he could have no contact with people asst. with children. So they sent him to his parents house. Right back the the same place this whole mess started. And took him away from me. We could'nt even write... Back in the same enviroment he has turned into the same ol' guy he always was. Part of me is still angry as heck at him. But a bigger part of me feels sorry for him. I know the life he could have had with me, and to see the life he has.. I feel bad for him.. But not bad enough to take him back.

I just want to applaud your strength! I know that you are a strong woman Cali, as that is shown throughout all your threads. Keep on keeping on Cali because in the process you are helping so many, more than you can ever imagine.

((HUG))

Mel

Anyone going through this have anything else to add as to what you think went wrong with your inmate or ex inmate? Warning signs,anything like that? Thanks!

I printed out my first post and sent it to a penpal/the ex's friend so he could get an understanding of what this forum is about as he was asking regarding PTO and the different forums plus just wanted to let him know some of my thoughts on my break up and what he thought.

He responded with kind of a rebuttle and gave me permission to post it here as he wanted myself and everyone to know not all inmates or ex inmates are the same nor will the relationships end the same which I agree with 100%


Here is what he had to say:

"First off let me say good going that is the example of the kind of mind you have which is great.I liked how you made your point but at the same time made a point to let everyone know that you were only speaking about your experience.
What I want to say is this,there is a misconception in how some not all of us in prison are portrayed.I speak for myself but I know a few other men who feel the same way.You talked about how he didn't have responsibility in here and how he got out and when realized that you women who love us kind of rely on us he quit rather then risk letting you down.Well a lot of us do feel we have responsibility and we are not free to have the pressure of doing the right things and to mess up as he was.We have a responsibility to our brothers in here,our friends,to do what is right and we have to step up at times and do things so as not to let those who have invested in our lives be dissapointed.Things have changed over the years and more and more guys are doing exactly what you said when free but there are still those of us who think of our kinsmen in here as family and we do whatever we must to insure we don't let them down.I know it is a lot different in many ways from what you went through are are speaking about but we convicts are portrayed sometimes to society as heartless,cold,mean,lacking morals and values and having no responsibility in prison,I'm trying to let you see my side of that coin.We do have morals and values and yes we can be all those other bad things as well but we can also be kind,generous,decent people.We can't all be lumped together as cads.Some of us made one mistake and are sent away for sometimes the rest of our lives.There are a lot of men in here who have honor and know what it is to be moral.We put the respect of decency of women and children above all else.Anyhow not all of us are like those who have had relationships with women behind barbed wire only to end up hurting them when they get out.That kind of behaviour is weak! There are those of us who know what it is to have the pressure of having someone else who depends on what we do,some of us actually enjoy that kind of pressure,it is a responsibility that can be used to bolster our own honor and pride as men.I hope I made sense I was not saying anything negative about your post I only wanted to tell you we are not all like that and hopefully you can understand what I am saying.It is hard to put it all down on paper and if you can make enough sense of this gibberish maybe you can post it in your forum to put the other side of the coin out there for the people of PTO to see.All the fellahs think M is a damned fool,you were the best thing to ever happen to him and he knows it,we all talked about you with him and he loves you a lot.We can't understand it or him now but know you are better then that and we refuse to let you believe otherwise."

What a sweet letter, Cali....he sounds like a very good man. My guy has said a lot of the same things, actually; especially the line about "using that responsibility to his family to bolster his own honor and pride as a man." Whoa, he could have written that part!

I'm glad your penpal reinforces what we all know.....that M is a fool to let you get away.

I'm glad your penpal reinforces what we all know.....that M is a fool to let you get away.

I agree 100% !!!!!!!!!

Cali, You speak the truth. While Eric was in he introduced me to a man - a friend of his with whom I had much in common. Eric was more off than on those days and seemed to be encouraging me to look elsewhere- what else was new. His friends wife had just left him and I was feeling deserted. We started writing and had an amazing friendship for a year and a half. We decided to try dating when he came home. He had everything going for him when he came home - he owned his home, had a job, a supportive family, he had never been a drug user. Initially he was a distraction from the hurt of my other relationship but I thought it had grown into something real. When he came home - let's just say he was not same person I met in prison. The relationship in prison was amazing because it existed in a vaccuum. When he came home we had all these plans - but real life got in the way. We thought we had circumvented every obstacle - we talked about everything that could possible go wrong - or so I thought. We made it for 6 months post-release. Our relationship ended almost as soon as he was off paper. I regret nothing, as the relationship gave me some amazing gifts and insight into who I was and what I was capable of, but I was not prepared to be blindsided the way I was.

Now with the turn of events my relationship has taken I have a few more things to add about homecomings and being with someone whom was just released from prison

Please know I do not mean this is how every ex inmate feels or how every relationship turns out.It is just my experience and not all of it has to do with his prison time as this has been an on again off again relationship for 13 years so my journey and the ending may be different then most and it may simply be him (my ex) as a person why it happened this way and maybe how it was bound to happen with or without a prison term.Please know also I am not making excuses for him but in hindsight these are some things we discussed on ocassion and things that may have helped lead to the end of our relationship

Maybe some of the other members who's relationship did not survive will see this and add more to it.

Communication really is key but now it has a different meaning for me.When they talk really listen.If they ever share with you that they feel pressured,need space,need freedom,don't know if they can handle a serious relatiomship right now etc. really listen and try and talk it out,get to the bottom of it,do not assume it is a phase and everything will be fine as I did.

Sometimes being free to not have the pressure of doing all the right things and to mess up (IF they choose to ) is easier then being with someone who will be dissapointed in you if you do,it is easier to dissapoint yourself then someone who is invested in your life with you and will be hurt by your actions.

Trying to maintain a serious relationship and have someone to answer to after years of having your life dictated to you in prison is sometimes to much to handle for some.The desire for freedom and to only have yourself to answer to can be great.For some the pressure of maintaining a serious relationship while trying to get reastablished is to much to handle.Some may feel they need to rebuild their life on their terms by themselves with no serious partner.

The love they felt for you when you were their everything in prison may not be as great when they are free.I don't think it necessarily means you were used I think it is something (depending on the person) that they really feel at the time and want to feel when free but some get out and realize it really is not what they want or that they do not feel that way to the extent that you do.

Finally if you have had a rocky road in your relationship from the get go the good changes they make in their lives in prison or once out may be simply that,changes for them not necessarily good changes in relationship aspects.Of course some relationships can be rough and then take a turn for the better but in my case I'm beginning to see that it was the state of the relationship and the way he himself dealt with it from the beginning that lead to the end and was quite possibly bound to end up this way over and over again if we continued it.

Don't want to sound negative in any way for any of you who will be embarking on the homecoming journey I am just sharing my thoughts on MINE.Again all relationships are different,all men and women and how they handle things are different.Some relationships will succeed and some will not just as they would in everday life with no prison time in the picture.

This has to be one of THE best threads I have read on PTO so far. With a husband up for parole in 2 months, and his mood swings and everything, I am extremely nervous. Wondering if he is changing up one me, and a lot of other thoughts. I love his man with all my being, and will fight for our marriage tooth and nail. But this post has REALLY given me a lot to think about, and sit and reflect.

Thank you Cali, and everyone else who posted, because your thoughts are really going to help me out through this tough time.

This has to be one of THE best threads I have read on PTO so far. With a husband up for parole in 2 months, and his mood swings and everything, I am extremely nervous. Wondering if he is changing up one me, and a lot of other thoughts. I love his man with all my being, and will fight for our marriage tooth and nail. But this post has REALLY given me a lot to think about, and sit and reflect.

Thank you Cali, and everyone else who posted, because your thoughts are really going to help me out through this tough time.



Thanks Pow that is a big compliment,I hoped it would help others without sounding negative as it was only MY experience and some what theraputic to put all that into words for me.

Cali ~ Thanks so much for sharing your letter with us. I've always said people are people some good some not so good and both types can end up incarcerated. Thanks for proving my point. And by the way I especially agree with your friends parting words, "We can't understand it or him now but know you are better then that and we refuse to let you believe otherwise."

Much Love,
Patty

I was reading through my old posts and this one came up.Looking back on it I feel like I was too understanding or trying to hard to justify his actions! Now a year and a half later I think sure what I said was true BUT I think now none of it had to do with his prison term or the supposed good changes he made or anything else,call me bitter but I think he is just not a very nice person prison or not and in a sense I always knew that,for all those years I knew it but I was blinded by my love for him.Some people can and will change but others never will and I know in my heart he is one of the ones that hasn't and won't.

Hmmmmmm a year and a half later contimplating how I really feel and helping me realize I never really could take him back if it came to that and that is a good thing for me, a very good thing!

Lisa ~ I for one am glad. If you feel better I feel better for you! =)

Love,
Patty

he is just not a very nice person prison or not and in a sense I always knew that,for all those years I knew it but I was blinded by my love for him.

And as they say, "Everything happens for a reason". I'm sure you're much better off now and believe me I too have been blinded my love for a woman. My vision still blurs now and again sad to say :rolleyes:

Lisa ~ I for one am glad. If you feel better I feel better for you! =)

Love,
Patty

Yah I actually felt a little liberated realizing and saying out loud I would not/could not take him back!! I mean yes this stuff is still going to bother me,deep down I'll never understand BUT realizing that I actually would not take him back if he came crawling is a BIG step! I always thought well maybe if he did this or maybe if he did that now I realize why? It would be the same thing over and over again and I'd rather be alone forever then put up with his sh**!

Hey Cali - I missed this when you first wrote it, but wow, it sounds so much healthier than you used to! Congratulations on thinking it through so well.

I'm one of the group that thought all the problems were just bumps in the road. Willful blindness, belief in goodness, desperate will to keep a love all contributed to staying when I clearly should not have. Not having done counseling after divorcing an abusive husband meant I was ignorant of things that I needed to know about myself. So many factors, so much belief in love - used to put bandaids over the gaping wounds in his soul.

very well said i think that is so true:D

{Quote} Anyhow not all of us are like those who have had relationships with women behind barbed wire only to end up hurting them when they get out.That kind of behaviour is weak! There are those of us who know what it is to have the pressure of having someone else who depends on what we do,some of us actually enjoy that kind of pressure,it is a responsibility that can be used to bolster our own honor and pride as men. {Quote}

What your pen-pal has touched on above is very refreshing for me to see. I would have to agree. Hurting the one that has stood by you through thick and thin is weak! Women as devoted and dedicated as we sometimes prove over and over again, are few and far between. I don't see why a man would want to let that go for anything less.

That is some great advice and perspective/outlook. Thank you for sharing. Peace! :)

This is a good thread. Yes, we all feel like everything will be fine and dandy when they get out. Like we can conquer the world. Hey we think that if we can survive the bid, we can survive anything. This thread has given me a lot to think about. My sweetheart and I have so many plans when he is released. I pray everyday that things will go the way that we planned. However, we are very aware of the obstacles that life can bring with him being an exconvict. He has a beautiful heart and a kind and humble spirit. We continue to trust that God will lead us through this journey called life. Be Blessed!!

Thank you for sharing.

thank you for sharing your thoughts with us , it helps us to cope with all of our thoughts of what ifs . there could be a good what if in there for you two you know , a mind can change just like that.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you for this post... I've been afarid of the unknown for sometime now, I really don't know when my hubby will be back home and I'm afraid of what it's going to be like once he's here. You post is not negative at all.. I feel like you've shared some of your wisdom with us. God bless you and Good luck in life!!! You sound like a pretty smart girl and I can tell good things will come your way.. You're on the right track!!! :thumbsup:


xoxo
nene

Lets face it for many who wind up in prison the word responsible, committed, selfless doesnt come to mind. One who is committing crimes or winds up in prison is usually not in a position to be in a relationship. That goes without saying.

But once an inmate gets released they are not in a position to be in a relationship because they will do one of two things
1) return to the people, places and things that got them locked up to begin with or
2) need to go to rehab, find a job, or get re- established in society

In the name of independence they need to figure out things on their own. And this will take time and a lot of it.

A man getting released out of prison isnt exactly relationship material. It will take time for him to rebuild his life before he gets to that point.

If someone really cares about an inmate they will understand this. Remember if you truly give something to someone there should be no strings attached. If you are helping an inmate with the expectations of a fairy tale romance then you are really trying to help yourself and what you want in return is unrealistic.

Its not like a man decides to go to prison with the hopes of having a better life. He winds up there as a result of making some really bad choices.

Lets face it for many who wind up in prison the word responsible, committed, selfless doesnt come to mind. One who is committing crimes or winds up in prison is usually not in a position to be in a relationship. That goes without saying.

But once an inmate gets released they are not in a position to be in a relationship because they will do one of two things
1) return to the people, places and things that got them locked up to begin with or
2) need to go to rehab, find a job, or get re- established in society

In the name of independence they need to figure out things on their own. And this will take time and a lot of it.

A man getting released out of prison isnt exactly relationship material. It will take time for him to rebuild his life before he gets to that point.

If someone really cares about an inmate they will understand this. Remember if you truly give something to someone there should be no strings attached. If you are helping an inmate with the expectations of a fairy tale romance then you are really trying to help yourself and what you want in return is unrealistic.

Its not like a man decides to go to prison with the hopes of having a better life. He winds up there as a result of making some really bad choices.
so you're saying it's better to let them get re-acclimated on their own??? i've read that ex-inmates who do well are the ones who have positive support behind them. do you feel it's better to let them get their lives back on track, THEN find you if they still want you?? is the most loving thing to do,let them alone even if that's the last thing they want??? am curious for some feedback,here. when you love somebody, you truly want what's best for them, even if it's not what you wanna do or even if it doesn't feel good, to you.

I totally agree that there will be a serious transition for most to deal with when they're released.I definitely know that if a man hints or in so many words let's me know that he needs space then the first thing I must do is let him be free.If it's meant to be we'll be together.Thanks for the heads up though.Truly appreciate it.:thumbsup:

You're right and some of us need to keep this reality in mind.Who's to say what will happen to my relationship after he comes home,but I'll still be glad that I was there for him.Especially since he hasn't had this kind of support from a woman on the outside stand point.I'll be equally glad to still be there to support him(not financially) in the event that it doesn't work out. It's not something that I think is going to happen due to the fact that we're expecting a child,but it's still something that I like to keep in mind. The reality is to get real with the situation and stay out of Lala land.I truly feel you on that.Lets face it for many who wind up in prison the word responsible, committed, selfless doesnt come to mind. One who is committing crimes or winds up in prison is usually not in a position to be in a relationship. That goes without saying.

But once an inmate gets released they are not in a position to be in a relationship because they will do one of two things
1) return to the people, places and things that got them locked up to begin with or
2) need to go to rehab, find a job, or get re- established in society

In the name of independence they need to figure out things on their own. And this will take time and a lot of it.

A man getting released out of prison isnt exactly relationship material. It will take time for him to rebuild his life before he gets to that point.

If someone really cares about an inmate they will understand this. Remember if you truly give something to someone there should be no strings attached. If you are helping an inmate with the expectations of a fairy tale romance then you are really trying to help yourself and what you want in return is unrealistic.

Its not like a man decides to go to prison with the hopes of having a better life. He winds up there as a result of making some really bad choices.

very good thread what i liked most was your sincerity,i did'nt even make it to the outside but i learn't alot and for that i'm grateful.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you for this post... I've been afarid of the unknown for sometime now, I really don't know when my hubby will be back home and I'm afraid of what it's going to be like once he's here. You post is not negative at all.. I feel like you've shared some of your wisdom with us. God bless you and Good luck in life!!! You sound like a pretty smart girl and I can tell good things will come your way.. You're on the right track!!! :thumbsup:


xoxo
nene

Your welcome and thank you for the kind post!