I grew up in an abusive relationship. I've seen my father knock my mother out many times, trow with shuffles to her, beat her up and all that. me and my brother shared in the beating too. my dad is an alcoholist and when he drinks, he gets aggresive. And yeah, my mom knows that and still goes pushing him...this has been going on for over 25 years now...All I can do here is to give the points of view of a child that saw her parents maintain such a relationship (and still do). It's really hard on the children. I mean really hard! Especially when the parents start to ask the children who they love the most, if the children think they should divorce and all that. It's hard to ask your father to come back home, when he's walking on the railroads and plans to jump under a train. it's hard to hear them both lie about what happened if the doctor has to come in the middle of the night. It's hard to not have any friends, that children aren't allowed to come over because of your parents. it's hard to hear your parents hurt each other like that. it's hard to see your brother knock your father out. it's hard to see your mom with a knife ready to kill your father. it's hard to see your younger brother wanting to beat your dad wiht a baseball bat.....I could go on for hours and hours...And sometimes I really wished they'd divorce, only so the fighting would stop. So that we wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night because of the fighting. Or that we wouldn't have to let our mom enter the house again through the window and let her sleep in your bed, hoping your dad won't see it. And all that....

Soraya hasn't been here in a long time- I took this post out of a thread and want the visitors of this forum- especially the ones in abusive relationships- to read it. Our children suffer as well!!!


Tanya

This is the first time i seen this. I am so sorry that you had to watch this. Your a wonderful and caring person. God bless you

U go girl
I have been through similar things and yes it does hurt alot
I think what hurt me the most was i was so helpless in helping my Mom,and the mental abuse is Bad too
*Never Give Up*

Love always

I grew up with this situation as well. My mother knew how to push my father's buttons when he was drunk (which was most of the time) & my brother & I could always see it coming. Then of course we would have to try to protect her & it would just be horrible & terrifying, completely out of control. I had to work on a lot of issues for a lot of years — thank God for all the self-help groups that are available these days. ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), also called COA, helped me more than I could ever say. The wounds a child recieves as a result of growing up in fear & chaos can be healed, but they have to be faced first.

My heart goes out to any child still enduring this hell. I think that the most important thing I could tell one is that they didn't cause it, they can't cure it & they can't control it. I would also encourage them to tell an adult about what was happening, a counselor or a teacher, even though they're being told to keep it a secret. It would take a lot of courage to do that, but it's usually the only way there's hope for anything to change.

IMO, it's child abuse for a child to have to live in a violent home even though the child hasn't been beaten (yet). I wouldn't hesitate to intervene if I was aware of anything like this happening. I think both parents should be held accountable; I know that sounds harsh, but a parent should go to any length to keep the children safe & pride is meaningless when compared to their well-being. I know that a lot of people who are being abused are consumed with fear but even so they have to dig deep down & find the courage to do what they have to do to protect their kids.

Children just should not have to suffer so much. It will be a better world one day.

Adrienne

I had a similar experience but it was both drugs and alcohol my mother consumed. I was the one doing the button pushing and to today I believe that to say another instigates the beatings and abuse is to say that the alcoholic is not responsible for thier actions. I am not talking about mutual knockdown dragouts I am speaking about tiptoeing around praying you are not noticed less you say the wrong thing and get beaten for your trouble. By the time I was 8 I just took it. By the time I was 15 I left. She is still drinking and still abusive. I broke off all contact several years ago when she called my son a halfbreed because his dad (my honey in jail) is from a different Native group. This isn't to sobstory or seek sympathy. It is simply another perspective. ShiningDrum (Lina)

I was probably the most abused in my entire family! As far as I know anyways! Everytime I came home from school I was scared of making noises! Cause I knew that if I accidently dropped something that my mom would come up and start to ether hit me or chase me with a stick or broom out of the house! But usualy it was those pan cake fliper things she used to hit me with when I was a child! She is agresive by nature! I had to wait for my father to arrive cause it's the only way I had protection from her! Now I'm not as afraid from her as I am bigger and stronger then when I was a child! And oh also she didn't drink! She just was agressive! And she got pissed easily and for the little things too! She beat me up few times for watching something she didn't like and didn't want me to watch cause of it! I was trying to relax and all you know! SIGH! I guess that's life of an abused child like me and others!

Steph

PS: The most my father gave me was a slap on the bum for doing something really bad! But that's not really illegal since it wasn't even spanking! Compared to my mom who almost tryed to kill me with a kitchen knife when she was really pissed off once! Thank god I was fast enough and dodged the swings! At least I think she swinged at me!

That's horrible, Steph! Ok... I am a mom and have my tantrums, but I would never, ever hit or threaten my kiddo's for as good as nothing.
All I can say is that once you have your own kids, I hope you never forget what your childhood was like.

Tanya

Dear Soraya,

I am sorry that you are suffering from emotional abuse, as a result of your Dad.'s abuse toward your mother. In the United States, there is what is called the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The telephone number is: 1-800-799-SAFE. They are available to speak 24 hours a day. They know where battered women shelters are in every state in the United States. I believe they are also available in Canada, and some foreign countries. I think they might be able to help you.

My daughter has been married and divorced twice to two abusive husbands. They lived their childhood, just like you described in your letter. It's like "walking on eggs", having a Dad who is an alcoholic and who beats on his wife. Sometimes the kids are beaten by their Dad. So my daughter's ex-husbands became abusers themselves. Please get some kind of counselling, if you can. Is there a church nearby or a pastor that you could talk to? Is your Dad in military service? The military has counelling as well I think.
Your brother needs help too. Sincerely, Bobcat

I hope that Soraya does return to our forum someday soon. I hope that somebody from our group is in touch with her to make sure that she's okay, that she's getting the help that she needs to help her put this issue behind her.

Trust me I know that it isn't easy. My past is similar to Soraya's and the sad part about it is that more and more I see stories that are so close to ours that I wonder if we had the same parents! But there is hope, there is ALWAYS hope. We can end the cycle of violence against our loved ones. I fully believe that people need to be educated, RETRAINED in their thinking. I took parenting classes. Not only that, I made a considerable effort to put into practice what I learned. And no, I'm not perfect at this parenthood gig. I still make mistakes. I still blow off and holler at my kids. But I was DETERMINED that my younger kids wouldn't suffer the consequences that I or even my older kids had to go through. When I was raising my older kids I didn't know any better. They were spectators and victims of mine and my ex-husband's violence towards each other and them. But I smartened up and hopefully the children will be the ones to benefit from this.

Enuff said.

Well,I'm back and was surprised to find this thread as 'sticky' It also hurts me that so many people go through the same sh*t (excuse my language)
I'm not gonna claim that I'm traumatized, but I do have traumas. But I also realize that there are people who went through worse.
But you know, a child looks up to the parents, they see them as rolemodels. the hardest thing is that you are supposed to feel save at home, your parents are supposed to protect you. But who's going to protect you if your father knocks your mother out. We always knew, when my parents went to a bar and my mom came home first, we made her promise that she wouldn't pick a fight with my dad. We cleaned the house while they were away, baked cake, did anything to provide a fight and to make them happy that they were back home. My mom always promised us, but the moment that my dad came home, they started to scream. It hurts to see how fast your parents forget their promises that they made to their own children. It never ends. When me and Mario moved from Holland back to Belgium, we had to live with my parents for a while. I was pregnant at the time. I came to the conclusion that there was a lack of respect towards me. My parents had a fight and I had to resolve it. I had to act like I was the parent and that causes so much pain. A child doesn't want to have to solve the problems of their parents, at least not in that situation. It went so far that I had to come between my father and mother, going fysically at each other, when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant!
You learn what you see. When I was only 15 I was in a abusive relationship with a guy who was 17. He beat me, he raped me 3 times, he broke down all my selfconfidence and tried to build me like the girl he wanted me to be. I stayed 4 years with him. Afterwards I realized that I didn't walk away, because I've always seen my mom accepting what my dad did to her. But I decided that I never wanted to live the life that my mom lived, so I ended the relationship. I told Mario (the father of my child), that, if we ever would get to a point where our relationship starts to look like the one of my parents, that I would walk away. I'm not gonna put my child through what I've been going through while growing up. I've watched the mistakes my parents made and decided to learn from them.

The only advise that I can give, from my point is: the moment you have children, put your children first, then yourself, and then your partner!! Not the other way around

Hey Soraya, that is very good advice and you have grown well. It is true that we model for our children and we must make the best decision, based off of what is best for them. They are innocent and we must love them first, ourselves next and then others. Stay firm with this type of thinking and remember that what we tolerate from men, we inadvertently teach them, that, that shit works with us. Leave at the first moment of violence. Say no to violence and yes to self love. Demand it, no one will give it to you otherwise.

I came from a very abusive mother. I had old parents.. If my dad would of lived, today he would of been 104 years old. My mon is 90 years old. When my dad passed on I was 5 yrs old. My father was from Germany and use to go to the boats in the harbor that cane from germany.. When he died my mom told me he went to the german boat for the week-end. Monday I saw him laying in a casket, I even have picture of me standing on a chair over the casket..I didn't talk for 6 months after that. Than my mom told me how my dad was a alcoholic and how he needed her. She would always say that my uncle made a pass at her. Why tell a child that. She never said she loved me or would hold me or even let me kiss her. When I was sick, I had no one to take care of me or even clean up the mess. I had to clean it up. When she got older, she wanted me to take care of her which I did...But she kept calling the cops and adult protection.. Nothing every happen to me yet, But what a pain to deal with all those agency and her..I know my mom was a very unhappy person and that something most of went wrong when she was young.. Yes my dad drunk , but I don't remember that... To tell you the truth I don't remember my childhood. I just started realize all the damage that was done by my mom...But I believe she was getting mental ill for a long time...But everytime the cops or any agency like Adult protection or elder abuse would come up they said she great for her age.. I would tell them look in her eyes. Of course she knew her name, age and the date and year. The calendar was right in front of her and she usually hated the president. So that was a piece of cake.. But her eyes had this far away look..They had a crazy look..But no one could see that but me...If I was so emotionailly abused than maybe I could of helped soon instead of later..My mom never drunk, I remember only see her drink once and she got deadly ill never saw her drink again...It's sad what happens to kids when parents have so much hate in their heart and they are so angry at the world........minnie:cool: