Hi
I am new to the site but not new to my brother being in jail. There is not a day that goes by that I think about what my Mom and Dad are going through. They are not young and they do not deserve it. I should say our Mom and Dad because they are my older brothers parents also. He is the one in prison and he is the one that has caused all the family problems on the outside. I spoke to him for the first time in almost two years the other day when he called my house to wish our Mom happy birthday. I did not ansewer it the first time but he called back again and I decided to ansewer the phone and talk to him. Of course at my cost. It was very hard for me to talk to him and make sure I kept my real thoughts in my head and not let them come out of my mouth. There were a few times I said what I needed to but I still did not say what I really wanted to. I guess I do not want to hurt anyone since we are all still hurt from what he has done. This is his second time to play behind the bars and he is not going to get out anytime soon. If you talk to him, he is going to be out soon and get a large settlement after her sues who ever is at fault for him being there. I could go on for ever because I have so much built up inside of me but I better stop and see how this site works and not bore ya'll with the story of how my brother went to jail and caused my family to come together at times but has also caused my family many problems that may not ever be worked out.
Thanks for lending an ear

You are not alone...this is a perfect site for you to express yourself. Just remember this site is visable to all therefore, try not to give too much personal information about your brother (ie: his full name or where he is) -- not all people are trustworthy. Just remember the majority of people here are here for giving support and getting support.

Just know that you are not alone and you will be surprised how many people are in the same boat as yourself.

Stay Blessed

Carla

Welcome to PTO, you will find lots of support here.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.
Just keep your head up.
Take this one day at a time.

Pauline

First welcome to PTO!! You will find an amazing group of people here that will offer support and information!

My little brother was locked up, more than once, it's not easy to be the one that knows he can do better, and watches him fail over and over again, I know that for sure.

It takes a lot of time and a different kind of understanding to be the brother or sister on this side of the bars. It's not ever easy, but we just somehow learn to deal!

I am only a PM (private message) away if you ever want to talk.

Keep your head up...

Theresa

Welcome to PTO - the main focus here is support and knowledge. I am sorry about your situation with your brother. Family can be difficult at times. I also feel for your parents. I don't know all about your situation, but it could be your brother is frustrated and angry at being back in again. It was good of you to be able to hold your tongue - you might have said something you would regret later. Your brother will no doubt have time to reflect and others to remind him of his actions especially since it is his second time around. Hopefully he will learn from his mistakes and make better choices. Feel free to look around the site - we also have a chat room for support.

Welcome to the Siblings Forum - I am so glad you found us. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through right now - the pain and the anger. So many of us can understand exactly how you must be feeling-that is why this is such a great place to come to for support. Please keep us posted and PM me if you need any help getting around ! :)

As a mother who had a troubled son, it's normal for them to blame everyone else at first...it took my son a long time to realize he was a fault too. Once he came to that after months of reflection, he was able to start 'fixing' himself. No body could do it for him, he had to do it himself. I received his high school diploma in the mail on Friday!! I have never been so proud b/c I know how hard he worked for that. He is now enrolled in the local community college part time and has his life on track. :thumbsup: His troubles started with peer pressure in 6th grade and although he is young (18) he spent six years in trouble, not going to school and on drugs. There is hope and once your bother figures that out, it's all uphill!! Try to support him and let him know that you do love him even though you are angry at him...it not only will boost his confidence and self esteem (which he probably totally lacks!) to know that, it will also help your parents when they see him starting to turn around. Try to encourage him to participate in programs offered at the prison, i.e. education, group, etc. I don't know your brother's situation, but hang in there, sweetie! PTO is the best place I have found and although I am new here b/c my b/f is in prison in Maryland, not for my son, it's been a life saver for me and provides a wealth of information. I visit everyday!! Good luck to you, your brother and your parents! :)

I belive you've come to the right place, Welcome!

believe (sp) oops! No coffee yet!

Thanks for sharing. You struck a chord with me. My brother has most of the problems in my family. Our parents are long since gone, so my sister and I do our best. Over the years, "our best" includes getting away from him. That probably sounds harsh but my sister has her own children to protect and me, being more selfish :D, concluded that, since I couldn't help, I would do less harm by minimizing the contact. It is tough, though, since he is homeless, jobless, frequently incarcerated yet it is all everyone else's fault.

I fear that, when I pass, I will find my mom shaking her finger at me saying "you could have done more to help your brother"...yet I don't know how to help someone who won't, at least, try to help themselves. I'm concerned that I haven't been as good of a "big brother" (I'm considerably older than him) as I could be. But enabling him doesn't help either of us; yet that is the only kind of help he seems to want.

Welcome to PTO. I think you will find lots of support here.

hi middle bro-i'm the big sister i hear you--the stress that this has caused w/ the whole family has been like nothing we've ever been through. We are supportive of my sister and love her, but like you my parents are well into retirement and the emotional and financial strain that has been put on them is hard to witness. I worry about their health because of the stress. We have stayed united in our support and love of sister which I know is special but it has also brought out alot of issues that I wish we would never had to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I may come unglued.. Hang in there...this site has helped me enormously and I know you will find it helpful too.

Dear Middle Brother,

I know what you are going through. I had been estranged from my brother for many years. When he got arrested for manufacturing meth I didn't know what to do. I am a christian and we had led different lives for so many years. But I decided to go to him. The first thing he said to me was "What are you doing here?" I wanted to run right then. But I told him He was my brother and no matter what I loved him. His eyes softened and he said he always knew that about me. You see he thought he was bad. But later on I found that to be a front for the hurt he was feeling. He always felt as no one loved him unless he had power and he did drugs to have power. In the two years he has been in there I have stuck by him even when he messed up. He couldn't believe that someone could love him and not want something in return. I stuck to my promise and his attitude has changed. We have become so close that now we are best friends. I will pick him up on Wednesday after two years and I can't wait. I got him involved in speaking to groups about his addiction and have a full calendar for him. I want him to know that he can have power in a different direction. When I read your letter it reminded me of the song "Sometimes when you say nothing at all." Sometimes we only get one chance to say what we think and need to say it no matter how much it hurts. My brother has learned how he has hurt not only himself, but others as well. But first he had to get over the denial that it wasn't his fault. As soon as he admitted that He got himself in trouble he started to become a changed man. Good luck to you and your family.
Pjpack

From a guy that has been inside the prison walls, and from a guy that knows what it is like to know someone who can't stay out of prison, I see both sides. It is very frustrating to know someone who just does not seem to "get it", and it is easy to pass judgement on a person as being hopeless.

But we cannot forget who WE are, human beings. No one is perfect and we all have made mistakes. That does not mean you drop your guard to someone who has not fully realized that they hurt the ones they are around by their mistakes, but the balance is that we all make mistakes.

Think about this situation next time you feel bitter to your loved one. What if he died tonight? What would be the last thing you remember of him? What was the last thing you said to him? How did you feel the last time you were in contact with him? No one deserves to be totally alone, with no one to believe in them or care about them. That is not to cast fault on you, not at all. I understand how you feel because I have been there. But I have learned to draw that line between compassion and blind trust; there is a line that separates the two.

Maybe your brother is trying to be overly optimistic by thinking he can sue those at fault, maybe he has some merit. However, from my experience prison systems have an almost perfect system to suffocate inmates from suing, so it will require a very diligent person to make it happen if it is true. My best wishes to him if it is, but I also hope he isn't placing value in something that isn't totally true. But maybe it is his way of trying to redeem himself to his family. He has to know, even if he does not admit it, that he has hurt his family. Somewhere deep inside of him he wants to make up for it, and maybe this is his only chance.

At any rate, hang in there. Don't give up on him.

reading what you wrote was like reading my own thoughts. My brother is in prison, and I think every day of what he's done to our family, mostly our parents, or as I like to think of them "my parents" since I feel like the only one not concerned with using them. I havent spoken to him since he went in, almost a year ago, which was actually his choice. I made the decision to support him, but first let him know the truth about what HIS choices cost the ones he loved, so I wrote it all to him in a letter, followed by several more letters, cards and such. He never responded except to tell my parents he did not want to talk to me again because I "wasn't supportive". THis was ok with me since it just made me see once and for all what a selfish bastard he really is. I gave his gf 5 grand, flew across the country to go to his hearing, wrote him several times, dealt with his lawyer, my parents falling apart, but it still wasn't enoungh.
You're right, it can be hard to bite your tongue when he phones, or when your parents talk about him. For their sake you want to sound supportive for THEM. You should air your feelings to him though, in a letter or a call, just between the two of you. It can either be the start of fixing your relationship, or like me, closure to move on and let the anger go.
Good luck, and concentrate on the good in your life and your families, you're not your brothers keeper.