Codependency involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause pain.
Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive.
We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships that don't work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives.... ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person we can change.. ourselves. These are our problems.
The following are characteristics of codependent persons: (We started to do these things out of necessity to protect ourselves and meet our needs.)
Care Taking


Codependents may,
1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
3. Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
4. Feel angry when their help isn't effective.
5. Anticipate other people's needs
6. Wonder why others don't do the same for them.
7. Don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
8. Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
9. Try to please others instead of themselves.
10. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
11. Feel safest when giving.
12. Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
13. Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
14. Find themselves attracted to needy people.
15. Find needy people attracted to them.
16. Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
17. Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
18. Over commit themselves.
19. Feel harried and pressured.
20. Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
21. Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
22. Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
23. Believe other people are making them crazy.
24. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
25. Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics.


Low Self Worth

Codependents tend to:
1. Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
2. Deny their family was troubled, repressed or dysfunctional.
3. Blame themselves for everything.
4. Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
5. Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to themselves.
6. Reject compliments or praise
7. Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation)
8. Feel different from the rest of the world.
9. Think they're not quite good enough.
10. Feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.
11. Fear rejection.
12. Take things personally.
13. Have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.
14. Feel like victims.
15. Tell themselves they can't do anything right.
16. Be afraid of making mistakes.
17. Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
18. Have a lot of "shoulds".
19. Feel a lot of guilt.
20. Feel ashamed of who they are.
21. Think their lives are not worth living.
22. Try to help other people live their lives instead.
23. Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
24. Get strong feelings of low self-worth ---embarrassment, failure, etc...from other people's failures and problems.
25. Wish good things would happen to them.
26. Believe good things never will happen.
27. Believe they don't deserve good things and happiness.
28. Wish others would like and love them.
29. Believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
30. Try to prove they're good enough for other people.
31. Settle for being needed.


Repression


Many Codependents:
1. Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.
2. Become afraid to let themselves be who they are.
3. Appear rigid and controlled.


Obsession

Codependents tend to:
1. Feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
2. Worry about the silliest things.
3. Think and talk a lot about other people.
4. Lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
5. Worry
6. Never Find answers.
7. Check on people.
8. Try to catch people in acts of misbehavior.
9. Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.
10. Abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something.
11. Focus all their energy on other people and problems.
12. Wonder why they never have any energy.
13. Wonder why they can't get things done.


Controlling

Many codependents:
1. Have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
2. Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
3. Don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
4. Think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave.
5. Try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
6. Eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger.
7. Get frustrated and angry.
8. Feel controlled by events and people.


Denial


Codependents tend to:
1. Ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening.
2. Pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
3. Tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.
4. Stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
5. Get confused.
6. Get depressed or sick.
7. Go to doctors and get tranquilizers.
8. Become workaholics.
9. Spend money compulsively.
10. Overeat.
11. Pretend those things aren't happening either.
12. Watch problems get worse.
13. Believe lies.
14. Lie to themselves.
15. Wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.


Dependency


Many codependents:
1. Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
2. Look for happiness outside themselves.
3. Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
4. Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think proves their happiness.
5. Didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
6. Don't love themselves.
7. Believe other people can't or don't love them.
8. Desperately seek love and approval.
9. Often seek love from people incapable of loving.
10. Believe other people are never there for them.
11. Equate love with pain.
12. Feel they need people more than they want them.
13. Try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
14. Don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
15. Worry whether other people love or like them.
16. Don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people.
17. Center their lives around other people.
18. Look for relationships to provide all their good feelings.
19. Lost interest in their own lives when they love.
20. Worry other people will leave them.
21. Don't believe they can take care of themselves.
22. Stay in relationships that don't work.
23. Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
24. Feel trapped in relationships.
25. Leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either.
26. Wonder if they will ever find love.


Poor Communication

Codependents frequently:
1. Blame
2. Threaten
3. Coerce
4. Beg
5. Bribe
6. Advise
7. Don't say what they mean.
8. Don't mean what they say.
9. Don't know what they mean.
10. Don't take themselves seriously.
11. Think other people don't take the codependents seriously.
12. Take themselves too seriously.
13. Ask for what they want and need indirectly --- sighing, for example.
14. Find it difficult to get to the point.
15. Aren't sure what the point is.
16. Gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
17. Try to say what they think will please people.
18. Try to say what they think will provoke people.
19. Try to say what they hop will make people do what they want them to do.
20. Eliminate the word NO from their vocabulary.
21. Talk too much.
22. Talk about other people.
23. Avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
24. Say everything is their fault.
25. Say nothing is their fault.
26. Believe their opinions don't matter.
27. Want to express their opinions until they know other people's opinions.
28. Lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
29. Have a difficult time asserting their rights.
30. Have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.
31. Think most of what they have to say is unimportant.
32. Begin to talk in Cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways.
33. Apologize for bothering people.


Weak Boundaries


Codependents frequently:
1. Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
2. Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.
3. Let others hurt them.
4. Keep letting others hurt them.
5. Wonder why they hurt so badly.
6. Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
7. Finally get angry.
8. Become totally intolerant.


Lack of Trust


Codependents
1. Don't trust themselves.
2. Don't trust their feelings.
3. Don't trust their decisions.
4. Don't trust other people.
5. Try to trust untrustworthy people.
6. Think God has abandoned them.
7. Lose faith and trust in God.


Anger


Many Codependents:
1. Feel very scared, hurt, and angry
2. Live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.
3. Are afraid of their own anger.
4. Are frightened of other people's anger.
5. Think people will go away if anger enters the picture.
6. Feel controlled by other people's anger.
7. Repress their angry feelings.
8. Think other people make them feel angry.
9. Are afraid to make other people feel anger.
10. Cry a lot, get depressed, overact, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
11. Punish other people for making the codependents angry.
12. Have been shamed for feeling angry.
13. Place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry.
14. Feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.
15. Feel safer with their anger than hurt feelings.
16. Wonder if they'll ever not be angry.


Sex Problems.


Some codependents:
1. Are caretakers in the bedroom.
2. Have sex when they don't want to.
3. Have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and loved.
4. Try to have sex when they're angry or hurt.
5. Refuse to enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner
6. Are afraid of losing control.
7. Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
8. Withdraw emotionally from their partner.
9. Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
10. Don't talk about it.
11. Force themselves to have sex, anyway.
12. Reduce sex to a technical act.
13. Wonder why they don't enjoy sex.
14. Lose interest in sex.
15. Make up reasons to abstain.
16. Wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependent's feelings.
17. Have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
18. Consider or have an extramarital affair.


Miscellaneous


Codependents tend to:
1. Be extremely responsible.
2. Be extremely irresponsible.
3. Become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice.
4. Find it difficult to feel close to people.
5. Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
6. Have an overall passive response to codependency -- crying, hurt, helplessness.
7. Have an overall aggressive response to codependency -- violence, anger, dominance.
8. Combine passive and aggressive responses.
9. Vacillate in decisions and emotions.
10. Laugh when they feel like crying.
11. Stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
12. Be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems.
13. Be confused about the nature of the problem.
14. Cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
15. Not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.
16. Wonder why the problem doesn't go away.


Progressive


In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:
1. Feel lethargic.
2. Feel depressed.
3. Become withdrawn and isolated.
4. Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
5. Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
6. Feel hopeless.
7. Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
8. Think about suicide.
9. Become violent.
10. Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
11. Experience an eating disorder (over- or under eating)
12. Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs.

Nope!:d

hummmm....seems people are voting and not replying......yeap i'm co-dependant....have know for a while.......it is a constant struggle to NOT be

I discovered I was co-dependent after the birth of my first child. So many of the points above sound very familiar to me. However, I began counselling and made many conscious attempts to change my thought patterns...I began to question my motives, in case I was exhibiting co-dependent behaviour . I also went back to school and am working towards being the woman I wanted to be. I am happy to say that co-dependancy is no longer a problem for me, but I am aware that I can slip back into it at any time.

I recommend a book called "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie to anyone who feels they may be exhibiting signs of co dependency.

I'm codependent..

I'm very much codependent.. How does someone stop being codependent?

YES I am!

I'm co-dependent. I'm going to get that book as soon as possible!

That's an awfully broad list of behaviors and attitudes! Almost anyone could fit themselves in.
In the more clinical sense, I was enabling/co-dependent. Worked through most of it with therapist.

Thanks for all the great informations....It was a great post...thanks again

somewhat co-dependant...making strides to change!:thumbsup:

I have some of the traits in the first list (like overcommitting myself), but when I came to the low self-worth part -- nope, not me!!

Very interesting thread....

Yes, I think we all could find some or one of these behaviors apply to us but the whole cycle of being in relationship after relationship, whether it be friends or lovers, and them failing and/or never finding happiness is a mental sickness of sorts. Being in a destructive relationship and thinking that things are somehow gonna work out, when in reality they never will, is just plain denial on the codependants' part.

I am going to vote NO because I do not find that this sickness has a place in MY life but I do have to say that it affects my life.

I have an older brother who is going through this such painful and destructive cycle. He and his wife desperately need counseling and/or medications. I try to stay away and out of their path of unhappiness and self-destruction. However, they feed off of bringing other people into their cycle only to leave that person angry, hurt, and confused as to why they refuse to get help for themselves.

I myself, do not keep unhealthy relationships going and I hate drama, but, I find myself worrying about my brother and what is going to happen if this madness does not stop. They both have hurt each other physically, have sent each other to jail, have even a no-contact order against each other but still live together and have a love/hate marriage. They both have communicated on wanting to divorce, yet strive on a break-up make-up rollercoaster. Her usually wanting/attempting to commit suicide ,him feeling guilty that she would do this over him and telling himself she has a mental sickness and needs help, all the while blaming her for everything and not allowing himself to accept responsibility.This is sick!!

I feel that if anyone reading this finds therselves going through the same thing that they should STOP now.Get out,get away,get help! This is not healthy. It hurts.JMO

I would have to say yes and no I have some of the traits but if I notice myself following a negative pattern I work to change the patterns. Quickly!!!!

I think I need help!!

Thanks for the info. I'd LOVE to say no, but had to say yes. But i'm not resigned to it, i'm working on it.

It's quite obvious that I am codependent. I also need help!

I think there's a healthy balance somwhere in being co dependant...it doesnt have to be a self destructive force....yeah, I am co dependant...after years of being afraid to commit and to give 100 % to someone, I have found the man that returns the 100% tenfold...we have both worked on ourselves for a long time to get where we are today, with professional help, and the quidance of elders and teachers.

Traditionally, where i come from and how i was raised, the community in which I was raised is interdependant on each other...if someone had a problem it was everyones problem...no one kept there mouth shut when there was abuse or wrong doing...it sounds idealistic, I know...but when everyone and i mean everyone is depending on everyone...it works

yup I am co dependant and proud of it!!!

Getting to the point, I suffered 9 of the last 12 under Progressive until I had a wake-up call in January. I cut myself 28 times one night just to watch the blood come out, I seriously was not trying to kill myself, but I think somehow in my mind I was trying to let the pain out. Anyway, almost ended up being checked in for evaluation, that was the day I woke up and started to figure out who I was, not who everyone wanted me to be. I guess that was rock bottom for me, because my life and its purpose has totally changed. Thank God for co-workers and friends who intervened.

Yes I am (was) have been working on it for years.

Yes, I am. Just visited my man for the first time in two months because I wanted to let go. I have read Melody's books and gone to counseling. I have learned alot about myself and the possible reasons why I am the way that I am, but I have not learned how not to be codependent. If you are a natural caregiver and a caregiver for a living, you can adjust your behaviors so that you won't always ignore your needs for someone elses, but you still end up compromising some of yourself. The only thing I can say is know what codependency is and try to treat yourself better, but don't kick yourself in the pants for wanting to help the one you love. When you are ready to leave that person or if you never leave, you can choose to treat yourself better. It is like living with a handicap, you have to adjust to make things better for yourself and not just the other person. Remember that their situation is not your fault.

I'm codependent..

Yes I am very much so. Learn to take care of things since I was 8 years old and had to grow up early taking care of others.
Can't seem to break this habit.

Codependence is better defined when evaluated within a relationship or a circle of people. It is easier to point the codependent traits when specifics situations and people are involved ( usually during therapy). A laundry list of codependent traits is too generic and normative to declare pathological codependence. So for all the willing participants declaring themselves codependent, there is more to this than just finding familiar emotions on the list. Peace

Definately co-dependant... I love people way too much and feel the need to be around them not to be so lonely. Especially my husband. I don't know how 25 years will go by without anything changing either.:(

I think I may be. I just wrote my man a letter and had a complete emotional break down. THen I read this and I fit almost every thing on the list. I've never seen a doctor so hard to tell. I have had close friends say I have depression to bipolar. So who knows. Right now my man and I are working together realizing we both have a lot of emotional problems. He was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed at the jail.

I know that when ever I have been involved with a man they have all needed something , they always seek me out. I try very hard to stay away from getting into relationships. When I do get involved they are alcoholic, drug addicts , were emotional abused as kids and on and on. I feel like I give up my self to become all for them and am left feeling drained. As a bipolor person it is so hard for me to have a relationship that is normal because I am not normal. Also, I do have commitment issues and am leary of all relationships. My husband knows all this and tries to reassure me , yet I see all the needs in him and I lay awake at night thinking, do I really want this, can I do this? He looks at me as a healer and all will be different with me , all will be well because of me. I can not heal him, I can't even heal me . I think just end it but part of me thinks that perhaps I am only going through my depressed mode and will feel differently once I am up again. I do not want to hurt him and I know he depends on me . Everything is on me. I feel at any moment I should be cannonized into saint hood. . We have talked about all of this but he honestly believes things in his life will be better because of me. That is all flattering but the reality is we can not be everything for others. He has been a career criminal and has lived with many lies, he has had a drug problem but he blames it all on the women he has known and been involved with. I am the the saint that does not get high or drink. He likes to drink and likes bars but suddenly he is saying he loves staying home and just wants to be a homebody, he was like that because of all the other women in his life were drug addicts and drunks.. I have felt compelled from the begining to help him, to love him because he was so child like, yet , I feel deep down inside this is why he picks older women, he is always looking for a mother. ( his mother abandoned him when he was young but took him in as a teen) I exhaust my self by trying to be sure he is taken care of in prison and I have wanted to help him. Yet, I am torn at this moment in time between the desire to just leave it all and go about my own life . Here I sit again, knowing that I was supposed to be there to visit on the 6th but I could not because of finances, he is disapointed since I could only go once last month but sending him money and books and trying to support him has drained me financially. I have been missing out on my own grown kids and grandkids who are out of state. He says, he understands that I miss them and when he gets out we can visit . I just see my self in the role of care giver with a lot of promises of what he will do when he gets out. I know people have the best of intentions when locked away but when the stress of being out hits and jobs are hard to come by his intentions may change to doing something I am not willing to go along with. I do not want to spend my last dime trying to get there to visit and yet I do want to see him . I hate disappointing him again and instead of telling him, I can't and do not know really when I would be able to visit I am thinking of going out in the morning and heading down for that long drive in a car that I am not completely sure of , and the little that I have left on this credit card and no cash just so he will not feel hurt. Now, that bothers me that I will do that instead of being rational and just not going. I am probably not making any sense here but it has all been coming to me lately how codependent that I really was and had not realized it before.

I was told I am and I guess I very well may be.

wow I guess I am..never thought so but after reading that I would say YES!!!

My problem is that I'm too much UNdependent - meaning, not very socially interactive. Probably would have a more colorful life if I mixed better with people. But I LIKE doing things alone, and I don't lack for friends, either. Just prefer to be more solitary than most folks.

When I first started dating my fiance' I was as co-dependant as they come. With time and age (I was only 17 then) I've grown out of it. I'm now very non-codependant. I've also read the book mentioned in this forum, it was a recomenned book to read at the place that I work. (Home for at-risk adolescents) I found myself applying alot of it to my life.

No I use to be not anymore, I love myself too much to put myself throught that pain again.

I love myself too but I can definitely claim a couple of the items under Care Taking and under Miscellaneous.

Yes, I am.

I think everyone is codependent to a certain extent. There is a continuum for just about everything....if you look at it as a long pole with one side being "extreme" and the other side being "minimal" what matters is where you fall in between. I believe everyone has bouts of depression, happiness, serenity, hopefulness, addiction, and so on.....the list can go on and on. What matters the most is where you stand on that continuum.

I voted yes for this comment because I know I am codependent without a doubt. What I have also learned is that many addicts are codependents too and many will need Al-Anon once they successfully complete many years of abstinence and AA meetings. I don't believe that you are once a codependent and than no longer......Once an addict, always an addict!!!

If I suffer from depression and am no longer depressed it just means that I am temporarily not depressed. I could easily fall back into depression if I don't take the necessary steps to take care of myself. Addicts can fall back into their addiction if they don't apply the everyday tools of the program to their life.

Thanks for the long list of codependency characteristics. I copied and pasted them into my recovery folder for future use:)

Oh yes I am been working on it for a very long time!!!!! Lol, I am getting help and reading all that stuff I guess I

I don't know what happened something might have ate my post so guess I am co dependent on this stupid puter now to.

:banghead: Yes I am ..and it bothers me to death .. I know he did me wrong going in and i know he is scamming someone that would have to be the only reason he hasnt written . me .. so why do I stay ? the answer is he has ahold of me and yet as much as he does I still stay . I finally packed his stuff ..Is that wrong .I wouldnt want someone to leave me if i was in Prison... but do i stay aroun d and not hear from him till he gets out or do i let him go so I can go on with my life ... damn im so hurt and confused . wish i was stronger:( :confused:

Susan. You are right it is not easy to leave someone in prison but in our own way we have made our own prison and in order to break out of it we must start to care for our selfs!! I would not wait on someone who cant even write you. And you know is play someone else.I would go on with my life. I have and never been happier! Hugs to you

A somewhat heretical viewpoint, with selections from "the list":

"Codependents...."

"1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny." (like the person they are married to, for example? And if not, what's the point of the marriage?)

"2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem." Ditto.

"7. Don't really want to be doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves." (this is called "self-reliance").

"9. Try to please others instead of themselves.
11. Feel safest when giving." --the work ethic of Mother Theresa (and probably YOUR mother's teaching as well, especially if you are a Lutheran).

"1. Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families." --anyone here come from a "functional" family? Show of hands, anyone?

"11. Fear rejection." --once again, who hasn't? Anybody at all?

"25. Wish good things would happen to them" --presumably anyone other than a hardcore masochist wishes for the same.

"3. Think and talk a lot about other people." --this used to be called "conversation" or "gossip", depending on whether you read Dale Carnegie or Dear Abby.

"1. Have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment." --has anyone not? anybody at all? Speak up....

"7. Get frustrated and angry." --look for a show of hands once again....anyone who doesn't experience these emotions?

"8. Feel controlled by events and people." --folks who don't like the current President tend to feel this way--and with good reason.

"1. Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
2. Look for happiness outside themselves.
3. Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
4. Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think proves their happiness.
5. Didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
6. Don't love themselves.
7. Believe other people can't or don't love them." --Gosh, this is pathology? I thought it was just something you went through as a teenager. With acne.

"25. Leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either." --gosh, I'll bet that's a rarity and a true sign of a sickness. Step forward, everyone who met "the one" at age 12 and lived happily ever after.

"16. Gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect." --by speaking clearly, for example?

"14. Find it difficult to get to the point.
15. Aren't sure what the point is." --rather common human trait these days. See also "adolescence" above.

"7. Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
8. Withdraw emotionally from their partner.
9. Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
10. Don't talk about it.
11. Force themselves to have sex, anyway.
12. Reduce sex to a technical act.
13. Wonder why they don't enjoy sex." --rather like most married women, as the result of the behavior of most married men.

"1. Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people." --Gol' dang--like saying no to an abuser, someone who dumps trash on your lawn, or blows smoke in your face? How horrible!

"1. Be extremely responsible.
2. Be extremely irresponsible." --make up your mind, already! And is being responsible a BAD thing?

Just a few of the many points mentioned, but most could be similarly dissected.

I believe that if people spent more time in living their lives than they do in trying to find something wrong with themselves, this world would be a far happier place.

I also believe that social workers who make up lists like that and make millions ruining the lives of those who become convinced they have something wrong with themselves as a result should be shot.

Finally, I submit that the only human being who would show none of the traits on the list which started this thread would be psychotic, sociopathic, or both. Of course, creating illnesses to which everyone meets the diagnostic criteria is a great way to keep therapists in business.

To the "codependents" out there: please, do yourselves a favor. You're adults. You know what you need to do with your lives. So stop spending time and money on books that, for example, claim to reveal the deep-seated reason why you eat too many chocolate chip cookies if that is your problem and just STOP EATING TOO MANY CHOCOLATE COOKIES!

This has been a rant.

Susan. You are right it is not easy to leave someone in prison but in our own way we have made our own prison and in order to break out of it we must start to care for our selfs!! I would not wait on someone who cant even write you. And you know is play someone else.I would go on with my life. I have and never been happier! Hugs to you
thank you for your advice , i try lt trip ..o do love hime withot ask and i get the gui all my heart but i cry every night and i dont know what to do he has a hold oin me but how can he say youre the one for me and then never write again ??? im sorry to bother you ..i just have noone else to talk ..

I should conditionalize my earlier remarks by adding that my intentions were not 100% serious and that I failed to make it clear that the various character traits "in moderation" or "in their proper proportion" really don't strike me as unhealthy.

A sense of balance is one of the finest things one can have in life. When one becomes overwhelmed by something that ought to be a GOOD thing, there's a problem, no matter what name one gives it. Having a beer on a hot afternoon and relaxing for an hour is not unhealthy. Having that beer and following it with 23 others on a daily basis IS unhealthy. The difference lies in a matter of degree.

Stanton Peele wrote a book some years ago, "Love And Addiction", which is a bit dated now but may well be useful reading for someone who feels overwhelmed in a relationship. While Peele touches on it only briefly, there actually is a physical component to an emotional relationship which can lead to behavior akin to that of an addict. Strong emotions release various endorphins in the brain, an effect similar to that caused by opiates, cocaine and (to a much lesser degree) chocolate.

Susan, if someone is playing games with you, be careful how attached you become. "Believe it when you see it" may be the best attitude to take in this case, difficult though it may be for you. Don't ever let someone who isn't even communicating with you stop you from living your life, especially your social life. You OWN your life....please, don't give it away by default. And trust me, you are almost certainly stronger than you believe yourself to be.

I should conditionalize my earlier remarks by adding that my intentions were not 100% serious and that I failed to make it clear that the various character traits "in moderation" or "in their proper proportion" really don't strike me as unhealthy.

A sense of balance is one of the finest things one can have in life. When one becomes overwhelmed by something that ought to be a GOOD thing, there's a problem, no matter what name one gives it. Having a beer on a hot afternoon and relaxing for an hour is not unhealthy. Having that beer and following it with 23 others on a daily basis IS unhealthy. The difference lies in a matter of degree.

Stanton Peele wrote a book some years ago, "Love And Addiction", which is a bit dated now but may well be useful reading for someone who feels overwhelmed in a relationship. While Peele touches on it only briefly, there actually is a physical component to an emotional relationship which can lead to behavior akin to that of an addict. Strong emotions release various endorphins in the brain, an effect similar to that caused by opiates, cocaine and (to a much lesser degree) chocolate.

Susan, if someone is playing games with you, be careful how attached you become. "Believe it when you see it" may be the best attitude to take in this case, difficult though it may be for you. Don't ever let someone who isn't even communicating with you stop you from living your life, especially your social life. You OWN your life....please, don't give it away by default. And trust me, you are almost certainly stronger than you believe yourself to be.
When I joined this group I was so destroyed with the system , I couldnt get it right , figure it out ..and then I spoke to so many that helped me and I truly appreciate it ... Time has passed and I was so thrilled that I finally recieved my first letter,and then my second ..then all communication
stopped. I dont know what I did wrong . I go to work day after day . I bust my ass.and yet for what?? I am running off everyone I know .. I finally met my friend that rebel forbabe me to talk to .and now i have destroyed our friendship/ Im a 41 yr old woman that has hurt someon that I figured he is better than me you know that song by Evanence "call me when your sober" well control is an addiction, and letting one control you is a bigger addiction... im scared I have lost me and I pushed away my friend because Im scared to death of getting hurt and hurting him.. so end it now and noone gets hurt right??? if this is true then why am I sitting here crying and wishing i wasnt here .. he has ruined me ..and in all reality I dont know how to be good to anyone ... I wear a mask hoping noone will see .. that this woman I pretend to be is really a figment of imminganition for the world to see ..easier for everyone if I wear a mask.. I apologize to all of you and I thank you for helping or trying to ..keep me afloat...take care all //// baby girl

It may help you to remind yourself that YOU haven't done anything wrong. Bad things do happen to good people. It sucks, pure and simple. We are, however, more than what happens to us. And if you do let someone else's conduct destroy you, who wins? More importantly, who loses?

Another book that might interest you is Nathaniel Branden's "The Psychology Of Self-Esteem", which contains a fair amount of uplifting material. Albert Ellis' "The New Guide To Rational Living" isn't bad either.

Yes I am co dependant but with the help of therapy and my beloved Al Anon group and books, tons of books and the support of family and friends I find myself getting healthier and healthier. While my sweet patootie is in prison, I have had to learn things that I never wanted to know or care about...like, how to clean my battery posts/cables, where to turn off the water main to my house, how to hang drywall and tape it...all things that I resent having to learn...the flip side...OMG I CAN DO IT ! and that is very empowering and liberating. While he is in prison, he is attending AA and though hard drugs were not his choice, he does attend NA..but that might stop soon because there are some gang activity in the meeting and that simply doesn't work for him...I have sent him a Big Book and 12 Step Recovery book to him..we pray together when he calls. Each day each one of us gets healthier and stronger. It sucks that he is gone, but if he had not been sent there, I would have buried him...I can't tell you how much my Al Anon family has done for me....Keep coming back...It Works !!

ohmyGod susan dunn, thank you for your honesty you just spelled it out for me what i've been going thru! and al-anon, yes, that has been recommended to me, and i will go! but thank you, this website is such a wonderful place, you find what you need here!

I found that I was co-dependent not so much with my spouse but with my parents! Even at 50 plus years old I would still fall apart if I thought I had made them mad or put out with me. It has taken my husband being incarcerated for me to work through all of that and I can say now that at 55 i may be better! I now havae a tougher attitude with all of that and now realize that you have to be re sponsible for yourself and you cananot please everyone all of the time. I also had counseling and have read a lot of the books out there on the subject. The best one i read was "healing hearta and mending minds" by mark b kastleman. it is about porn addiction but there is a great part about co dependency. i highly recommend the book it think it may even be a little better than some of patrick carnes books along the same line. this one really spoke to my heart.

Yes I fit into many of those catagories listed!!!!! I am going to find that book that was suggested. I hope that i am able to work through my many issues so when Wayne comes home it will be to a better person!

I would say I'm a co-dependant in some ways and I have also been told I have a disorder called Obsesive Compulsive Disorder aka OCD, struggling with both . It's good to have people to talk to finally.

this is very interesting information....whos your source....jeez im scheduling an appointment with a pshc asap!lol.

I actually only fit about 1/2 of the list in the "RU codependent" post, because I'm so self-aware and have been at it so long, I'm almost comfortable with it. I guess I have what some would call a Mommy complex, because I always take the mommy role in a relationship so I'm there to support, help, save, and be walked on and lied to by my significant other. I'm actually to the point where even though I know that, I sabotage relationships in which I am NOT the grown up. Recently married my loving husband and we have discussed this topic (sorta). We are SO codependent that we have fallen into the roles of parent/child to the point of my calling him "baby" and him calling me "momma". Strange? Yep.... A bit on the twisted side? Definitely. But oddly, it's working better for both of us than we ever could have imagined. I guess we have accepted who we are and have decided to role with them. We are both getting what we need, even if a therapist would want us in counseling for several years, I'm sure! It's broke, but I don't wanna fix it....we are happy and it's working for us. This should worry me, but it really doesn't. Somebody for everybody and all that.....:thumbsup:

I know this is old, but i just read it..and yes. I am codependent. All these years Ive been looking for a reason why I was acting this way..and I finally think Ive found the answer.

This is an old post, but I just happened upon it as well. In the past I would fit the defintion of co-depependent, then I began to change after my daughter was born to independent. Now I am working on the balance of both.
I still have some of the issues, but do my best to keep a balance.

LoL me not spend money on myself you must be kidding...as for worrying about what others think...ppffft they can sit on it. Im the other extreme now unfortunately. Way to damn independent for my own good...

My name is Sadie - yes - I am a recovering codependent. Realized it awhile back and have been working on it ever since. I think I have made some major progress.

Yes, I'll admit it, I'm codependent. I guess that's why I went way, way, way...........over the top in what I did for him (the sky was the limit), and all the abuse I took from him in the meantime(the sky was the limit on that too). Although I kept trying to break away, I would always take him back. The crying and begging and promises worked every time! Well, not every time, because I walked away from him 6 months ago and refused to go back. When he was in county I refused his calls, which was hard, but I got through it. Now I find myself wavering again, missing him again, and I have to remind myself that it was 90% bad and 10% good, and I think even the good wasn't for real. What's out there to help me with this? Any kind of codependent support groups, something. How does one recever from somthing so mentally ..........I don't even know how to put it into words! Anyway, I know I can count on you guys. Thanks

For anyone who thinks they need help with this, please look up Co dependents annonymous, Or ....Al-Anon (family/friends of Alcoholics) or Nar anon (family/friends of addicts).
there is alot of help out there. the books by Melody Beatty are AWESOME
ssvm

Codependents may,
1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
3. Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
4. Feel angry when their help isn't effective.
5. Anticipate other people's needs
6. Wonder why others don't do the same for them.
7. Don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
8. Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
9. Try to please others instead of themselves.
10. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
11. Feel safest when giving.
12. Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
13. Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
14. Find themselves attracted to needy people.
15. Find needy people attracted to them.
16. Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
17. Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
18. Over commit themselves.
19. Feel harried and pressured.
20. Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
21. Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
22. Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
23. Believe other people are making them crazy.
24. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
25. Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics.

This is me all day. Is this a good or bad thing? I see both.
Oneday, did you read all of my post to come up with this? lol These are the characteristic of a Gemini.

It's good or bad depending on how you feel about it. If someone screams at you every day and it's "driving you crazy", that's NORMAL. If you "feel safest when giving", you might be Mother Theresa (or a Socialist). If you "try to please others instead of yourself", you might just be dealing with your mother. And if you "feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you", you might have just received a large gift from parents who tend to attach strings to such things.

It's really a matter of context. The set of conditions listed above might well make you neurotic, in which case, doing something about it would be a good idea. It also just might get you a Nobel Peace Prize.

DaveMoff If you "try to please others instead of yourself", you might just be dealing with your mother.


You hit the nail right on the head. I tried to edit my first response to express my relationship with my mother. And how it has affected me. I had to recently delete my mother from my life. I always worried about what my mother thought. She came at me EXTRA hard. I now know my mother is Bi-polar and has always been. So you know I had/have baggage. Nothing I did could be right. She competed with me and everything. I feel so much better. The month of May, not only did I celebrate my birthday but I celebrated a rebirth. I feel so much better, now knowing my mother does'nt bother me like she has done all of my life.

Everyone has a little bit of co-dependant in themselves. It's not fair to make a list of symptoms and have people diagnose themselves.

There is more or a process to determining co-dependancy than just a checklist. It is a way of thinking and feeling, a way of expressing your emotions. In my undergrad Program for Marriage and Family Therapy, while we were reading the DSM-IV, our prof always had to remind us to not diagnose ourselves.

Hope this makes sense, but to those of you checking off symptoms, don't get too bent out of shape about it until you talk to a Therapist.

I am a mother. Doesnt that make me co dependent without really trying?

Personally I think it is a much too over used label

Unfortunately, with a long enough set of "symptoms", practically everyone can convince themselves or become convinced that they have the "disease".

Borderline personality disorder is a great one for that as well. If you look up the defined "symptoms", you'll be hard-pressed to think of anyone who doesn't have enough of them to qualify. A bit scary, since in some states, borderline personality disorder can be grounds for civil commitment.

Funny - I am very co-dependent and learned that a couple years ago. Now I just work to not be. A couple months ago, I went and got a red heart tattooed on my chest with a banner that says Co-dependent , everyone I knew thought it was a bad tattoo, but not me. I need it to remind me.

Unfortunately, with a long enough set of "symptoms", practically everyone can convince themselves or become convinced that they have the "disease".

Borderline personality disorder is a great one for that as well. If you look up the defined "symptoms", you'll be hard-pressed to think of anyone who doesn't have enough of them to qualify. A bit scary, since in some states, borderline personality disorder can be grounds for civil commitment. ]


Hey thanks for postiong that . . Infact the AMA APA both of them do not recognize such "disease " of codepndany . by the list of symptoms it is any one!
I can sum it up this way What used to be Human Kindness is now a disease .
and this Codependany is all to often used by some very disturbed people as a excuse to abuse or kick a person when they are down. great .

I care about people and help others. I do care what others think of me and ,. I have probably done other things that qualfy me as co dependant such as heping people down from a dangreous peak in Co or even horrors carrying a litter with a inured peron on it ! Ihave seen tragedy and deep regret where a family will turn a kid in for pot only later regret it now ther kid is a felon and his or hr life is ruined :angry:
No colleg aid loss of voting rights an a lable to folow them all thier life how thoughtful ? Hey you might just need that person later in lifeand ya know what they will remember an say f off you ruined my life now deal with it .

I am proud to think of other sand help out as ican with out hurting myself. I care an yeah i do feel bad when other hav ea problem it is called being human
I think anyone feel awlward when givensomething it is normal .
we all have gooddays and bad days ,

that is just a few .

Yeah Ican say otherw can make you feel crazy alot of people can do that . not so hard . Your actions Do affect others weare not islands
and pleases how me some real data that supports thease books .
it isdangerous to pathogizeall human behavior .
A somewhat dated book
by Wendy Kraimer (SP) Im co dependant yourcodepantant . a good read
and the dieseaing of America .
Notall behavior is bad and
ter isa biloogical reaon for ustocare . where would we be if we all just said to hell with you your "diseased " porbably not here posting .

It is not a good idea to have some all encompassing list that has every virtually any huiman behavior on i tas a diagnotic crtieria . dhaving people make a DX of themselves . a honest psycholgist or psychaitrist
will not even utter Co dependant he or she can be sued for making a DX not recgonized by any medical organmzation . infact thet is grwoing
thought that addcition is not a disease but a complex social and problem

ive been there, and im still there. what i mean by this is that i went to the meetings for both addicts and codependents, we did it together, i never used anything, but the person i love is now a recovering addict, and he will be that for the rest of his life. each day he wakes up it will be a challenge for him. this is not something that will ever go away, and i chose to stand by his side.........

Yeah I need help.

oh yea all of the above and then some. You learn to live with it and hope it doesn't cause to much harm to your own life

This describes me (my life) in a nutshell! And I'm not even involved with an addict! Just as Username987 said..."it's anyone". My man get's SO MAD at me (well, more concerned) because I'm ALWAYS doing, helping, "fixing", taking care of everyone but ME! I thought I just had a giving heart...that it wasa in my nature to be this way. #23. "Believe other people are making them crazy". I can't tell you how many times I've said that..."so & so is driving me C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!! But I guess it's because I allow them to. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing.

:( Co dependant or enabler. Whats the difference? I am a little of each I guess. I try and be strong each day, and some days are better than others:)

It sucks to be codependent.

I always new I carried a few of the characteristics, but reading that again, thats me ALL OVER!
Guess I better get my book out again. Co Dependent no more


Have a great night ladies

Yes, I am! This is the best explaination of codependency that I have ever read..

A little co-dependant humour-

Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine. The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go. The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released. As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."

How do you know when you are in bed with an codependent?
They wake up, roll over, and ask, "Am I OK?"

What is the last thing to happen to an codependent before they die?
Someone else's life flashes before their eyes.


How many codependents does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one - she keeps flipping the light switch repeating "_This_ time it will come back on"

How can you tell you're at an Alanon meeting?

Someone spills their coffee and everyone gets up to clean it up.



What did one co-dependent say to the other co-dependent after they got done having sex?

It was good for you, was it good for me?

I'm not. I am who I am and that's just fine. If people don't like me, then that's not my problem. That would be theirs. The only people I live for are God, my children, my family and of course my fiance! Other people don't got to live my life, I do. So my life is what I make of it and I'm making the best of it!!!

I have several people in my life with whom I am interdependant, but not "co-dependant" in any negative sense- Yes, I try to anticipate the needs of these people, yes, I am a caretaker but, to my mind, this is only problematic if one person's needs become subjucated to the needs of others... my husband has often said I'm not controlling enough- I speak my piece when the issue is of importance to me, but that's that and it drives him crazy sometimes that I don't try more often to influence his personal choices... and no, I don't use that as a game of "You should've known better." I leave the recriminations to his mom (She's terrific, but the woman has a gift for leading people to say "you told me so":rolleyes:)

I was diagnosed with bipolar and codependency in 2006. I take medication for bipolar. I got lost going to a CA meeting and never went back. However, today I really noticed my codependence. I heard that an ex was in prison. I took drastic measures to see how he was. All day long I thought about how when he got out I just wanted to take him away and take care of him forever. I didn't seem to even care about leaving my husband and kids. It is only when I saw this posting that I realized that it didn't even make sense. It's so crazy.... I always look for a project. It does break my heart that he is an addict, and I wish I could help him. Does anyone know of a meeting for copendency around Apex?

I'm new so I'm not sure how this works. I thought I posted something but I guess not. When I was in the hospital I learned about codependence annonymous. Does anyone know of one around apex?

I have several people in my life with whom I am interdependant, but not "co-dependant" in any negative sense- Yes, I try to anticipate the needs of these people, yes, I am a caretaker but, to my mind, this is only problematic if one person's needs become subjucated to the needs of others... my husband has often said I'm not controlling enough- I speak my piece when the issue is of importance to me, but that's that and it drives him crazy sometimes that I don't try more often to influence his personal choices... and no, I don't use that as a game of "You should've known better." I leave the recriminations to his mom (She's terrific, but the woman has a gift for leading people to say "you told me so":rolleyes:)

LeBeau, it's great to come across someone else on this forum who sees the difference between a caregiver and co-dependency. I spent a long time being a caregiver to my first husband, who was terminally ill. And with my second husband in prison, it is easy for me to step back into that role. There are many parallels. There is physical illness, in the form of a personality disorder, as well as addiction. But there's another kind of disability we have to deal with that the average caregiver doesn't-civic disability and lack of social acceptance. Because of this, it makes the issue of advocacy much more difficult, and also much more important.

That said, I have found in my own life, the lines between being a caregiver and a co dependent can be easily blurred and confused. When the caregiver does not take care of herself (himself) she becomes emotionally vulnerable, and it is easier to slip into a co-dependent frame of mind. Many of the symptoms listed by the OP can at times be exhibited by the caregiver, but it doesn't mean that person will automatically slip into a co dependent lifestyle. It usually just a sign that the caregiver needs to take a break for some downtime.

I'm probably speaking from my own bias, but I'd personally like to see more people on here taking a caregiver and advocate approach to their relationship with an inmate loved one, than the usual lovers/relationship, because the SO of an inmate has different challenges to face than the average couple, and it just might help couples survive, and SO's avoid the risks of co dependency.

So I go threw a lot of therapy every week trying to find myself and my independence. Sometimes it's just easier to rely on another person to tell you what to do. :shrug:

Yeah! I'm co-dependent. Picked it up from my mother. After 20 years of marriage, my mother is FINALLY divorcing my alcoholic step-father. She's attending a new church, gained back lost weight from years of depression and stress and is making new friends. My mom has always bounced me around church-to-church growing up so honestly, I shy away from the whole church thing. Too may hypricates:blah:.

My BF's Grandparents blame me and his past ex's for the fact that he never grew to be an independent man when in actuality, THEY are the BIGGEST co-dependents I've ever met, the rudest most manipulative, controlling folks on the planet and they call themselves "Christians" (actually Luthuran). In fact, they are coming across the country from Illinois to Colorado to pick up Chico May 19th because he can't handle his probation independently with me here. That's the day I leave on a 2-day river trip so I can learn to heal and move on.

The last thing I'll ever take on in my life is another project that I can fall in love with. I'm sick of the alcoholics and addicts who blame others for their addictions who won't get to the root of their issues.

Yeah! I'm co-dependent. Picked it up from my mother. After 20 years of marriage, my mother is FINALLY divorcing my alcoholic step-father. She's attending a new church, gained back lost weight from years of depression and stress and is making new friends. My mom has always bounced me around church-to-church growing up so honestly, I shy away from the whole church thing. Too may hypricates:blah:.

My BF's Grandparents blame me and his past ex's for the fact that he never grew to be an independent man when in actuality, THEY are the BIGGEST co-dependents I've ever met, the rudest most manipulative, controlling folks on the planet and they call themselves "Christians" (actually Luthuran). In fact, they are coming across the country from Illinois to Colorado to pick up Chico May 19th because he can't handle his probation independently with me here. That's the day I leave on a 2-day river trip so I can learn to heal and move on.

The last thing I'll ever take on in my life is another project that I can fall in love with. I'm sick of the alcoholics and addicts who blame others for their addictions who won't get to the root of their issues.


Wow you sound like me.......I have been a member for awhile now, but just recently came back. I am definitely co-dependent

there is HUGE difference between a christian and a churchgoer....

You can go to church all your life and still not be a christian:eek:

I was told through counseling in 1989 that I was bipolar and codependent. Thought I was better but I guess I've relasped.

I was begining to, in a very bad way and honestly I would probably still be one and find myself in a very bad place. Now that I am pregnant and I have someone else's life to think about I have stopped. I want my baby to be healthy and happy

I think I am codependent also. For the past 6 years i have tried to fix my fiance's alcohol and drug problems. I have lost and quit jobs over his issues.I never had any friends because there husbands might drink and cause my fiance to drink too. I couldn't trust him because he constantly stole from me so I just hid all the money all the time. It was awful. We were on the verge of breaking up when he was arrested. Now that he's been incarcerated for the past 18 months I have went back to school , made new friends, became involved in church, became involved in sports with my kids ,My stress level is finally down to normal. I am finally happy for once and not constantly in a state of panic about whats going to happen next.
I love my fiance and have been totally faithfull to him and will continue to be but I am really feeling anxiety about how things will be when he gets home again. He says things will be different but when I try to talk to him about how I want and expect of him he wants no part of listening to me. He just says I'm wrong for not just believing him. My problem is I have no reason to believe him. I know he's been clean for 18 months but thats because he is locked up not by choice. I am really scared about things going back to the way they were. I have finally found my independence and somewhat of a normal life with my kids and happiness I dont want to give that up for the crazy life we used to have together. I am just afraid that I have changed and he hasn't. I need to address these issues with him and I think he should respect me enough to listen and hear me and admit to how bad things were in the past and how I feel about it now. Not being heard is making me resentful towards him and I'm afraid I will end up sabotaging our relationship. Any advice you all can give me is appreciated.

i am admitting i am co dependent and have been in three co dependent relationships where both of us were co dependent

Whenever you read criteria like this it's important to know that just because you have some of these issues/traits does not mean you have that mental illness and/or issue.. To me ..of course I have some of those traits..there's a lot of them, how could anyone not have at least a couple? People aren't perfect.... I don't find myself to be codependent, or in denial either.. I know that my boyfriend is where he is because he put himself there. Yes I want to be there for him, but by no means do I feel obligated to baby him or like it is my fault. He's a grown man who knows only he can help himself. Codependency can be a very hard obstacle for an addict. They learn to use you as a crutch, so when things fall apart.. So do they.

Very nice for you to take the time to put the information hear. Just wanted to say thanks. I could relate to them as I am in a "helping" profession......nursing.....I used to be codependent in relationships but with some therapy and self help I was able to get beyond most of it.....I do say that I must be careful not to regress and I think of this at times....but I am a much happier person now...

This is a topic that has always confused me. As a nurse, I am an enabler. I think that trait is essential for being a good nurse, and I feel like God took that trait and put it to good use. I do not enable people outside of work unless they happen to be ill and ask for my help.
People ask for my advise and do as they please! That is human nature and I simply wonder why they even ask!
During my volatile divorce, I was in counseling for domestic violence and was told that I was co-dependent. If I challenged ANY of the criteria, I was told that I was in denial so although I do not have the characteristics of a co-dependent person, I have been labeled as such!