Hi i really do not know why i am writing about my situation . Maybe because i miss Frank right now and it makes me feel better.
My boyfriend is in Prison for a life sentence. In a Pa Prison. Yes i believe with my heart that if someone did something they should be punished. But what if they were young?
I see him as a changed person. He was a boy then and is now a man. He has been nothing but a great person to me. His love and strength is nothing that i could explain to make anyone understand. He has never asked for anything. If anything gives me whatever he has.
Can people that do things so bad be changed? Or is it just my heart that believes so and i am blind?
GlindafromOz~

Glinda,
Welcome to PTO :)
Yes, people can change, and I don't think you are being blind. Thank you for sharing your story and best wishes to you both.
Cindy

Glinda, Welcome to PTO.Of course people can change and I don't think your blind. You'll find lots of understanding here.

no, you are not blind. in a lot of ways you "see" what others, including "the law" can't. don't ever feel bad or ashamed of love.

take care,
emme

Ozgirl, if it makes U feel n-e-better, my man has 2 life sentences + 400 yrs after that....I know what ur feelin'....My man was real young too, now he's doin' hardtime, he says he wishes he never woulda done what he did, now he's payin' tha price for Life. I miss him like "H". I struggle w/lonliness bigtime; I know I could easily move on....its hard to move on when U love Ur man, even when I attract alot of people, I'm still not interested. Hang tight girl...that is His Destiny, you have Ur destiny too....

Glinda, they can definitely change, you are SO not blind. Kids, teenagers, make a lot of mistakes and bad choices and decisions (I certainly made my share as a teen!). Unfortunately with our legal/prison system many are forced to pay for those mistakes years into adulthood, like my boyfriend and yours.

My boyfriend is approaching his 13th year of a 20 year sentence for murder. He had just turned 22 when he committed his crime, and he's accepted responsibility for it from day one. Without going into the whole story all over again, no one involved in his case - judge, attorneys, etc. - intended for him to have to do more than four or five years, yet still he sits in prison, thirteen years later. He'll be 35 in a few months.

I am certainly not the same person I was when I was 22, and neither is he. We were close friends before he committed his crime, so I knew him then. He was a good person with a good heart who wouldn't have hurt a fly, but terribly messed up on drugs and alcohol at the time... that led to him making a very bad choice in the midst of some bad circumstances, and someone died.

In most ways, though - and this may be where your story and mine differ - he is the same person he was at 22... except 10,000 times better. We were estranged for a long period of time, and when we made contact again I found that he had grown, grown up, gotten himself together mentally and emotionally, was clean and sober, and was basically the great person I always knew he could be if he could ever get past the stuff that dragged him down so much in his youth. Addiction is a disease and a constant struggle and we've had some struggling periods with that in the time we've been back in each other's lives, but the difference is he has the mental and emotional tools to deal with all of those things he used to struggle so with now. Were the same situation to come up NOW that landed him in prison in the first place, he would handle it completely differently - and that's mainly by virtue of having grown up and gained wisdom, grown as a person, and gotten his head together. Even if he were using and drinking again and the same situation came up, I know he would still find a way to handle it that wouldn't have resulted in the tragedy that occurred. Of course, the parole board hasn't believed that, apparently, since they've denied his parole three times now... but I know better, and so does everyone else who knows him.

Anyway, yes, they can change... because they grow up, and grow as people. No one in the world is the very same person they were in their late twenties, thirties, or forties that they were when they were in their teens or early twenties... like I said, I'm sure not.

You know how in the majority of juvenile cases, once they turn 18 they get released, get crimes off their records, etc. Sometimes I think that's too young and they ought to raise that age up to 23, maybe even 25. In my experience that's about the time that most people more fully become the adults they are for the rest of their lives... myself before the age of about 24, that might as well have been an entirely different person.

In any case, I believe that if you go with your gut and listen to your heart, you're rarely wrong. So what your heart is telling you is probably right. Like Emme said, your heart can often see what the law cannot. Hang in there and best of luck to you and best wishes to you both...

Lys

Bless you Glinda.... Yes, people can change... Most do.... They only have to want to..... As children we are taught by example. When our examples are not too good, then we make mistakes, some greater than others. That does not mean we are bad people. That only means we made a terrific mistake and we are asking to be forgiven.... God has a way of doing that for us....

You are a very special person to be able to see that change in a human being....

Love Ya
Donna

Thank you everyone for your great comments. It is really a special feeling to hear such great things and i do not feel i am losing my mind. Frank means the world to me and i can not see my life without him.
He is a good person. Always has been. People tell me all the time how respected he is in Prison. I just hope one day he will get out. I will never gi9ve up that hope. He has a day in court on June 5th to see if there is enough to give him a new trial. He will not most likly be able to go. But i am going to see if i can. Just so i can listen and learn.
thank you again and pray for him. He really is a good person.
that 15 year old boy is now a 29 year old man with a sweet soft caring heart. Who would do anything for anyone. He made a mistake and needs to prove to the world he is a good person as he proved to me
GlindafromOz

Glenda~ I am going to type to you a letter my Ex had wrote to the board... this will let you kown that yes people do change~

It is only after much deliberation that I have taken it upon myself to write to you this letter. For the past 20 years I have been eligible for parole; for the past 20 years I have been denied parole. The entire missive is to ask one question: Why?
Before I continue I would like to make it clear that I am not oblivious to the tragedy of what I have done. Indeed not one day goes by that I do not think of this woman. Who she was. Because of me this woman exist only in memories. If I could bring her back, if I could take her place, I would. I can't. Try as I might, it is impossible for me to convey to you what I feel about what I have done. Suffice to say, I could never act in such a manner again.
Things have changed, people change. I have changed. Twenty plus years has a way of doing that to a man.
What I'd like from you are some answers beyond the sterile textbook responses that appear on the "Set-offs" I have in my foot locker. "Nature of offense" has a nice concise ring to it, but it hardly lets me know what the parole board is thinking. When you look at my file what goes through your mind? Do you say "We're looking for a little more before we release him"? If you're looking for a little more tell me what it is. What do I need to do to make parole?
Upon my arrival to TDCJ I was known as a trouble maker to staff and fellow offenders. I was known for rockin' and rollin'... Now, I'm in my late fourties, gray haired and known to follow the other side of the "yellow line". My file reflects that I have earned my GED, completed a vocational trade brick layer, a Lee College trade apprenticeship course offered by the U.S. dept. of Labour. My goal is to become a substance abuse counsler which I plan to attend a local college to achive that particular goal. I am very active in the AA/NA substance abuse program in our unit, have been an active member of AA/NA since 19** and have completed my required therapeutic substance abuse programs. Have a total of 56 credit hours of college. I have earned all that. I have earned it by doing the right thing when I could have continued to do the wrong thing.
It's the life I lead now. It's who ***** ***** is today. In Sept. of **** I married a very special lady. This is the kind of life I desire to live today, tomorrow and hopefully in the near future.
I would like to know what you think. Living year to year, hoping against hope, not knowing, not being able to plan...it tears a man down.
As you consider what I have written, as you formulate your response, I ask you to keep in mind: The **** **** of 19** is not the person writing this letter. I speak to you from his body, but the boy of yesterday is not the man of today. Perhaps I ruined my life that autum night in 19**. Still, Being considered for parole provides me and my wife a glimmer of hope of being able to follow and fullfill our dreams. Do we hope in vain?~

So Glenda in answer to your question....yes hun they can change...

Beck

Gosh........ his words are moving. I strongly believe he is right. I hope one day he gets the chance to prove to the world that his mistakes were that. Mistakes!!! my father use to yell at me for doing things the wrong way all the time. But he noticed that i started doing them the right way after. the key is we have to make mistake to learn and find a good safe positive path. I hope Becky your man gets that and i HOPE someday some how mine will.... thank you doll
GlindafromOz~

Yeah Glenda I too hope someday the board will see that he is a changed man and allow him the opportunity to go on with his life and become a productive citizen again. Although we are no longer husband and wife I still care about him and his well being.

Becky

Hi Glenda, I also truly believe a person could change. My boyfriend went to jail 5 days after his 16th Birthday, he's 26 now. He is not the same person he was when he was 16 and if you look back I don't think anyone is the same as they were back when they were kids. Lifes trials and tribulations definitely changes people.

If I believed people couldn't change, I probably wouldn't get up in the morning. Love is love in my book. Stay strong.

Hi Glinda,
I perfectly understand your feelings.I really believe that people can change. My boyfriend is in prison for something he did when he was still a boy. Now he is a man and I know the man he is...he is a so wonderful person,so sensitive,understanding and openminded...he has so much to give! He is my strength and I truly trust him and esteem him. I love him as I have never loved anybody and I won't give up on my love for him!
Be strong...Love can move mountains!

4

i truly believe people change! My man is 22 and has 10 more years to go before he is even elgible for parole! He was only 19 when he was handed a life-13 sentence! I personally dont understand how 13 years will make him a better person but the judge says so! He is changed now, he was young then , immature , messed up on drugs when he stabbed a cab driver, not a day goes by that he doesnt feel sory for what he has done ! But enough now, why cant they give him a chance now to be free and prove himself to society! Just my 2 cents, stevesboo23

Wow, that really hit home. My boyfriend Brian was 17 when he committed his crime. He was still a boy on drugs and drinking. He told sometimes he's almost glad that he is where he is today, because he's grown up into a wonderful man. He said it took a man to die and another man to sentence him 10-20 before he opened up his eyes. He has changed his whole perspective on life. He's grown up to the man I always knew he could be and if he could take it back he would but he can't. All he can do now is live each day and give his all. He been attending AA/Na meetings, goes to church. Brian has two brothers one older and one younger. And they both have not changed, they are both heavily into drugs and alchol, living a life of crime and I wonder if things would be the same for him if would have not went to prison. Just hang in there and know we are all with you.

I believe anyone can change, but unfortunately it is not up to us if they have changed or not when it comes to them being locked up. I wish it was cause I would have let Josh out a lot earlier, but it's not. I am glad to see that your man has changed. How young was he when he committed his crime? I am sorry you have to go through this.

I too believe people change. I am sorry that you are going throught this and will keep you and frank in my thoughts and prayers

Oh and thanks for the daily triva posts!!

My husband was a messed up kid involved with drugs and alcohol and just barely 18 when he committed his crime. He has been in prison for almost 26 years. I have written to him since shortly after his arrest and have seen incredible changes in him over the years. We became friends of the closest kind (only) because I was married during much of our pen-pal'ing ~~ and he respected that. In fact, we both wrote to him, as well as our children as time went on.....
After my divorce, James and I got closer and in a different way ~ <smile> Fast forward: we got married 15 months ago. But what I wanted to say about all of this is YES! People certainly can change and while he will always be known as a violent offender, a man convicted of murder, I know he is NOT that boy he was back in 1978. He was on drugs, doesn't even remember doing it but since it was a family member, he was pretty much deserted by all and the system just threw him away with little or no representation. While I am NOT minimizing what he did in any way ~ nor does he ~ I do think he definately should be released at this next parole hearing. He has done good time and has educated himself and participated in every program made available to him over the years. There is NOTHING the State of Alabama or society at large could ever do to him that is harsher than the punishment he has put on himself acknowledging and taking responsibility for what he knows he did, despite the fact that he doesn't remember doing it. He has had parole hearings but until the last one several years ago, no protest letters had even been sent so it is obvious that they never really considered it prior to this. Personally, we (now) both thank God that he didn't make parole before this, because in retrospect we feel his his chance of sucess was not that great for the long term at that time. Most of his family has died since he's been in prison and he would not have had much support once he would have been released. Now that we are married and his support system has increased a million-fold and job offers are solid and home plan is flawless, it SEEMS like this will be the hearing that will finally release him.
Will it be difficult for him to adjust? Sure it will. Does he know it? Not as much as I do, I'm sure. But does that mean that he should stay in prison just because adjusting to the free world after 26 years of prison is going to be a challenge? Of course not. I know he is no longer the messed up kid he was at age 18 any more than I am the messed up kid I was at age 18! I have the upmost confidence in him and a love for him that grew deeply over the 23+ years we wrote to one another before falling into the kind of love that brought us to marriage. Prison has been a major inconvenience for us but I think it has also been a blessing in that it has helped us to be more appreciative of the things in life that others take for granted. It has caused us to place our trust more in God and less in the system. It has caused our love to be strong enough to withstand whatever comes at us. As I look back upon these 25+ years of knowing him and seeing the changes in him ..... I can say without a doubt from my own experience ~ yes indeed it is possible to mature into a responsible adult who is able to make right choices.
Prisons are full of men and women who have been incarcerated for much too long.
I'm thankful for PTO and the opportunity to share some thoughts about this. Sometimes it's good to see the words and be reminded of how far we've come.....and why.
~~Care

I'll have to re-state what everyone else says, Yes people change! My man did his crime shortly after his 16th birthday. I've been with him since we were 13. He is 26 now, doing a 37 year bid and through the years I have seen many changes (all for the better). When he first went in he was still a hot headed teenager but now as a man his veiws have changed considerable. I've watched all these changes from the outside. I think everyone becomes a different person from the time they were a teenager. I know I am not the same as when I was 16. It is sad to say that jail has raised my man and better than his own mother did.

This is such an uplifting thread. My Richard was 16 when his crime was committed, 17 when he went to prison. He is serving over 30 years in prison for something he did when he was under the influence of alcohol and drugs, with his friends, and was 16 years old. He is 24 now, and not recognizable as a violent offender. I know if I had been one of the victim's family I would likely feel differently, but after knowing him I can see that he is not the same boy anymore. I see a responsible, educated man who will be in his middle to late 40's before he gets to opportunity to begin his life and his dreams. I can only hope that he makes it that long, because the system will not appraise his condition to the point of seeing his value out in our society.

I agree that people can and do change. One thing to remember, though, is that people are in prison for the crime(s) they committed at the time... not for being a bad person today. It isn't "timeout" where they get to leave when they're "a good person."

I think most of us knew at a very early age right from wrong. Without going into detail about any specific crimes, were any of our loved ones surprised to learn that what they did was punishable by prison time? Were they surprised to learn it was wrong or illegal? If you're adult enough and responsible enough at age 16 to get into a vehicle and hurl it down the freeway and through streets where children play, then you must certainly be lucid enough to know that robbery, rape, arson, etc are bad and not to be done.

None of us would accept being assigned a "government system decision maker" that would review our every decision. We'd never stand for having to abide by that person's ruling. We're adults, right? We can make our own decisions, right? The government, nor anyone else has the right to tell us what to do in daily decision making, right? But we always seem to call on "the system" to rehabilitate someone who should already know not to take what doesn't belong to them.

Hopefully they will change for the better and maintain it. But it's pointless to be mad at the system for giving someone a sentence and not ending it early because someone found religion or got their GED or anything else. It's a shame they had to go to prison to learn the value of what many, if not most had the opportunity to get before making that bad decision. But it's never too late to learn.

I believe that people can change, but as everyone well knows here, it has to take time and that person to want to change. Encouragement, support, love, and faith are all very powerful things and great influences. My feelings are though that it is just as important not to let it consume you as a person either, for we cannot always dwell on things that we have not personally done, you can only take that tense-nervous energy and produce it into hope and prayer the best you can. :thumbsup: