I have read this statement many times and have even been asked this and I have to sometimes wonder. I have been asked if I am staying in a relationship with someone in prison because I feel it is a "safe" relationship. Of course, my first response is no as is every one else's.

I have to wonder though. I have sat back and have done some real thinking about my relationship now and my past. Yes, I have been in two abusive marriages. The last one really screwed me up.

So, I write to someone I know won't get out for a long time. I go visit behind glass. This man can't hurt me. Those walls and that glass keep him from hurting me.

Reason why I ask is because of some things that have happened lately. For one, I finally told someone about stuff that happened in my last marriage (which I am still going through a divorce for)that I have never told anyone and I realized how much afraid I am.

I had made an appointment to have my yearly pap smear done and when the time came, I didn't go because right now I don't want any man touching me, to include a doctor. So, that got me to thinking how I would react if or when we get to have a contact visit. I thought I had things under control and I was dealing with stuff well, but now I'm not sure. Am I that afraid of a relationship on the outside that I would substitute one on the inside so I won't get hurt? Physically?

Just would like some feed back and opinions on this. Just need to really think here. I know when the subject that women with guys in prison (mainly starting from Pen Pal realtionships) do this because they are afraid and this is a safe relationship that a lot of people get pissed off. However, could this be in some cases?

Thanks for listening
Joy

Joy-I hope I don't make anyone angry by saying this -but yes, i think that is the case SOMETIMES-it is certainly not the ONLY reason however- and I am not in any way implying that anyone here at PTO is a case-example.

I think the questions you have been asking yourself are good ones-and I do think that often people who have been abused or have been in negative relationships seek out someone who is unavailable to them- physically or emotionally. I think some people live in a world of "magical thinking" because it is "safer" and in some type of superficial way makes them "happy. "

I also know that sometimes it is hard for people to be "alone" so they do not always give themselves time to heal from a negative relationship before they delve into another one. I can tell you one of the hardest things i ever did in my life was being alone for a while and finding a way to be comfortable with myself and who I am.

Joy, you know I love you--you are one of the first people I "met" here on PTO. I know you have been through a lot, a whole lot. You know I am a counselor so I know you will not take offense when I say I think you should consider talking to a counselor about your questions, your fears, your past, and your future, not just because of this issue, but because you have been through many traumatic experiences just since i have known you, experiences that would be so difficult for any one of us to deal with. I have talked to a counselor before, and so have many, many people.

As you know, they do not "solve" your problems, but just help you to clarify things and come up with your own answers.

I want so much for you to be happy. You are a wonderful person, and I knew that the first time I "talked" to you here at PTO. You are intelligent, sincere, and possess a heart of gold.

I think it is good for us all to "run checks" on ourselves sometimes. It means we are really thinking and not just acting on impulse.

hugs to you girl-and you know i am here for you ALWAYS

joy, i'm not in a relationship that started as a penpal relationship, so i can't exactly answer your question from that perspective. but i will ramble a little, as i sometimes do, and hopefully hit on something that you might find useful.

is it fair to say that, yes, this may be a safe relationship...but it is also a very VALID and HEALTHY relationship? if you are getting what you need out of this relationship, and the other person involved is getting what they need, and you are both open and honest with each other...i don't see that in and of itself as a problem. if there are other issues that you feel you need to explore, by all means, do so. perhaps your special someone is helping you on this journey. i guess that what i am trying to say is that a relationship being safe can be an okay thing...under a lot of circumstances. sure, there are times this can be or become unhealthy. only you can know if you find yourself in that kind of predicament.

i will say that, in some ways, my relationship is "safe..." BUT it has also given me the opportunity to think about him, me, what we have, what i want, who we are...in ways that i never could have with us in a more traditional relationship. no matter what happens, i now know a heck of a lot more about myself and relationships that i would NOT have known under more typical circumstances.

joy, don't beat yourself up needlessly. i'm not saying you are, but...just make sure to be good to you. you deserve it.

xo,
em

I totally understand what you are saying, Joy. I just can't say much about it, since I have been with Ernie before he got locked up. But yes, I can relate to the feeling of 'safety'...

Tanya

Joy~ I too was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 3 years. Then a few years later I got into another relationship with an alcoholic. This one was not abusive but I couldn't handle being with him becuz of my past experience. I then spent 3 years on my own, but did date. I just didn't want to trust any man again. I then met Sam thru a friend and we became pen pals...turns out he did nothing but lie and deceive me...so I am now in the process of divorse. But thru this all I met Travis and I am very happy and anxiously waiting for his release. I don't feel as if I am hiding behind bars and glass to have a safe relationship. And I don't think you are either. I just think it is cuz you have been hurt before and rather a man is out here or behind glass it's just something within you that you must deal with and as Sherrie said heal... Gosh I hope I made some sense here and didn't just go gabbing on and on...!

Beck

im kind of going through the same thing, just got out of a bad relationship and now im with mark. well, the way i see it is that im not ready for a contact relationship yet, but what we have suits me fine! hopefully by the time he is released alot of my wounds will have healed and by then i WILL be ready for a contact relationship. he is happy because he enjoys my company (even be it through letters and calls and such), he makes me happy makes me feel less lonely, so no one is getting hurt here, yknow?

thats just my humble opinion!

to:cember and chevy gal55: I "FULLI"300%AGREE WITYH THE BOTH OF U! I AM NEW ON "PTO"{SO HOLA!}I ALSO MET GRANT THRU 10/20LETTERZ CARDZ A WEEK! HI PHONE BILLZ, AND NOW, AFTA DATE RAPE ,AND AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, ALL I AM DOIN IT SMILING AT THE CONSTANT THOUGHT OF THIS WONDERFUL SOUNDING,INCREDIBLE MAN,GRANT,AND TO:JOY:UR JUST SCARED,LIKE {I AM TOO}BUT, GOD WILL "CONTINUE" TO LEAD U AND THAT HEART OF GOLD" OF URZ IN THE RITE DIRECTION,MY GRANT ALREADY GOT ME TATTED ON HIZ CHEST/RIBZ!{MY WIFE"SHA-'KAARII,}&GETTIN MY FACE NEXT!WANTZ TO MARRY ME,{I AM SCARED}BUT, I WILL FOLLOW MY HEART,WHICHEVER WAY IT WILL LEAD ME,GOD BLESS U!GOOD LUCK, JOY!!!!

Joy, I am glad this was brought back up. I missed it when it was posted. I just wanted to ask you if you have considered having a female doctor for your gynecological needs. I have gone with all lady docs for severl years now (when possiable) and I am much more comfortable. You know you need to get those yearly pap smears, they are just too important to miss. :)

I'm not afraid to admit that one of the reasons why I fell in love with my Dragon was because he was "safe." It was not the main reason, but it WAS on my mind a lot at the time.

I saw a social worker about my issues. I let her know right from the start that I was NOT there to be swayed away from my relationship with a man in prison, but to get help and to learn HOW to get thru the issues and the time. Between my therapist and the Dragon, I soon realized that he's the same person, "safe" or not.

Once in a while those insecurities crop up, but I'm able to deal with them by talking it out with my husband. On occasion I call my former therapist and we talk. She has helped me a lot, working with me on MY terms helped!!!

mrs. d

Thanks everyone for your input. Sherri... you know I always listen to you ;)

Every one of you have given me food for thought and in fact, I have just tried to start talking to Julius about this. I printed this out so that he could understand more what I am trying to say.

That is one thing that I have to say that I have with Julius that I have NEVER had with any other man.... communication and being able to talk to him about anything.

Joy

You're a very intelligent girl and very perceptive and honest about yourself, Joy. I'm glad to see this post. I think being in a "safe" relationship with someone in prison who may never get out isn't wrong. I think if both parties realize that they're choosing this kind of relationship because they want to and because they want to have all the happiness and fulfillment possible under those circumstances, then it's a good thing. It's when a woman chooses this kind of relationship for reasons she hasn't been able to totally resolve or admit to herself------that's when the problems arise. Or when the person on the outside is in denial of the fact that this person isn't ever going to get out, and indulges in magical thinking. Or when the person out here tries to do too much beyond letters for the one inside in the way of phone calls, money, trips to visit , etc. at the expense of their own needs and the needs of children involved. The lady who is a counsellor can correct me if I'm wrong. In my case, I'm in my late fifties, a widow, and I'm raising two grandchildren. I don't know how this will be taken by other forum members-------but I'd like to have a man in my life to share thoughts and care with, but I don't want to have an actual conventional relationship. I like my independence, solitude and freedom too much. Frankly, I'm at the age where the hormones have settled down to a simmer and I have no desire to have a torrid sexual life. I did find out there's a hormone or two still percolating when I watched the Tom Jones special on A and E and he sang "Sex Pump". LOL But seriously, there are some really, really fine things one can share in a relationship when you're the age I am that don't involve naked bodies and sweat. I'm open to maybe sometime having a very personal and caring relationship with someone in prison, but with someone not expecting to get out, and it's a choice I made because I want to. I'm not SEEKING that, but I'm open to it. So "safe" relationships with people in prison can be a good thing, in my opinion. Just be sure you're not settling for it because of deep scars you really need to explore and heal with the help of someone qualified to help you with it.

That is exactly what I am trying to get at. I love Julius very much and if I do marry him, I want it because I just plain love him, not because I'm running away from something or hiding from something.

Each of us has to choose what kind of relationship we have/want and as long as it is for the right reason, then everyone needs to go for it and live it to the best of their ability.