I was wrong?
Not sure here gang what the deal is and/or what is going to happen but I wanted to share with you as I have shared all of the good so now comes the bad.He is getting cold feet basically.He doesn't know what he wants,he feels pressured trying to maintain a serious relationship while feeling pressured about trying to get his life in order.He needs some space,needs to work on himself,is unhappy with himself and his life,wants to be casual etc. etc.

That was last night today I come home to roses waiting at my house.Talk about mixed signals.We are supposed to get together and talk this evening but I am not sure if I am willing to do that right now as if what he says is what he really wants I need to figure out in my heart and my mind what I need to do for me,what I can be ok with regarding us.A little time to figure things out I'm allright with but being casual I don't think I am ok with esp if it entails me not being the one and only.

We had a breif period of a month or so while he was in that he was expressing these same feelings to me but he came out and went full fledged into this relationship and things have been really good for the most part so I assumed everything was fine and was going to continue to be fine (except for our little disagreement Monday night).I ws pretty blindsided to say the least to hear all of this last night.

Anyways I haven't made any decisions regarding what to do and probably won't until we do sit down and have this "talk" but I did tell him to be really,really sure what he wants before we discuss it because I can't do this over and over again.

Will let you know what he has to say and exactly where if anywhere we go from here! Can we go on from here? I don't know really.

I'm confused,hurt and angry to be honest.It's like my worst fear come true and I didn't expect it at all.

Oh Cali,
I am so sorry. Take care of yourself. I understand the feelings you are experiencing as well as what he says he is going thru. I will pray for the two of you!

ONE

You have every right to feel angry and hurt and confused. I hate to hear this because you have put alot into this relationship, but hopefully he will figure out what it is that he needs to do.
Take of yourself first because you are not a yo-yo, and an emotional rollercoaster is not a good life to have.
Figure out what you want and go from there.
I'll keep you and him in my prayers.
Whatever decision is made, just find peace within yourself and go forward no matter what.

Pauline

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Take care of yourself and good luck.

******{Cali}}}}

I hesitate to give any advice because each relationship is different. Only, I would say, DO NOT SETTLE. Don't be casual if that's not right for you. You are a very giving and supportive person and you should have someone who wants what you want. Don't give away your needs and desires just to keep it going or "make it work" because that only works in the short-term.

I'm sending you lots of hugs. Thank you for letting us know what's going on with you. Whatever happens, we're here for you, you know that.

Jessica

Cali ~ Only you can decide what is best for you. If it is meant to be it will be with or without either side pushing away or clinging to it. Only time will tell. Search your heart and soul and envision where you see yourself in the years to come and how he fits into YOUR picture. Live your life on your own terms. Having said that I believe in compromise in all relationship just not in compromise that only gets ONE party what they feel they want and need. Compromise must be a two-way street. I wish you all the best and support your decision regardless of the outcome. If you ever need me you know how to find me.

Much Love,
Patty

hugs- it sounds like he is NOT sure of what he wants, very confused indeed, and it has to do with him, it is not a judgement on you. so my thought would be, figure out what YOU want and go with that...cause what you've got is a guy who obviously needs time to think
he may well conclude (AGAIN) that you are what he really needed all along or he may not, but don't let him make you crazy in the process. Do you, hon!

I'm sorry Cali, I hope it all works out for you. I can see why you would feel confused.
((((hugs))))

Maybe those who have "come home" can help answer this. I wonder if, as a man, he's uncomfortable that he isn't able to provide for you the way that society feels a man should provide for a woman. Maybe he is feeling unworthy. Prison isn't known for their pats on the head but rather for it's negative affect on our loved ones. Maybe he needs some support from other men who have been through what he is going through - a change in his surroundings, the attitudes of those around him (co-workers, friends, etc.) to the fact that he was in prison, etc.

Any experienced voices out there?

Maybe those who have "come home" can help answer this. I wonder if, as a man, he's uncomfortable that he isn't able to provide for you the way that society feels a man should provide for a woman. Maybe he is feeling unworthy. Prison isn't known for their pats on the head but rather for it's negative affect on our loved ones. Maybe he needs some support from other men who have been through what he is going through - a change in his surroundings, the attitudes of those around him (co-workers, friends, etc.) to the fact that he was in prison, etc.

Any experienced voices out there?

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. It is like comparing apples to oranges. My man has been home since September 2004, we met while he was inside and he has kept every promise made to me and then some. He is for the most part a confident kind of person and while he and we have dealt with some frustrations put before us we have never waivered in our commitment to one another.

Every relationship is so different. None can be measured in terms of success or failure by anothers. I think the most important thing we have to offer you Ms. Cali is unconditional love and support and that my friend you have!

Always,
Patty

HotLatinaMILF4U,

I have to respectfully disagree with you. While each relationship is different there is typically a common thread . . . in this instance we are talking about men (and women) who have been in prison and how difficult (or not) it was to maintain a relationship when they were released. I'm not saying ALL relationships are the same - just that there are many similarities and commanlities. It isn't unusual to see posts like Ms. Cali's in that she thought things would be perfect once he was released only to find things falling apart shortly after. If other MEN on PTO have experienced something similar with their relationships upon their release perhaps they can offer her some wisdom. Naturally, it is up to her to choose which advice, if any, is best for her.

I take all your advice to heart.Thank you.

The problem here is well one of the problems anyways is I know what I want,it is what I have always wanted with him,a lifetime together, marriage etc BUT obviously he is unsure of what he wants.I can't force what I want on him but I can't spend my life being a yo-yo either back and forth with him.I have already spent half of my life doing just that and just can't do it anymore.When I was a teen and early 20's it was different as I was immature too but now and for many years now I know what I want and thought we were headed in the same direction.
I won't know where this is going to lead us until we talk and I see just what he means by space.If it a little space apart to figure things out for himself fine,if it is space as in being casual and dating others not fine as I can't go from being the one and only to one of.

Crone, I see your point and honestly I don't think it plays a factor with us or at least I didn't ever think it did but his Mother said to me today that Valentines day is making him feel pressured and bad that he can't give me more then he has (13 beautiful roses) and he feels like a failure somewhat.I don't care what he can give me money wise,it isn't about that.All I want from him is his love and devotion.He knows this and I wouldn't think this is what is bothering him but I don't know for certain as I haven't walked in his shoes.

I take all your advice to heart.Thank you.
Crone, I see your point and honestly I don't think it plays a factor with us or at least I didn't ever think it did but his Mother said to me today that Valentines day is making him feel pressured and bad that he can't give me more then he has (13 beautiful roses) and he feels like a failure somewhat.I don't care what he can give me money wise,it isn't about that.All I want from him is his love and devotion.He knows this and I wouldn't think this is what is bothering him but I don't know for certain as I haven't walked in his shoes.
But see, you (and his mother) said it yourself! It is a factor. That's right - all you want is his love and devotion and he knows that. Perhaps for him part of that love and devotion is giving you what he feels you deserve - for Valentine's Day and every day. Nothing that you say is going to change what as a man HE FEELS he needs to give you . Men are very much about money because for them money is power. Money carries prestige. Money says success. A man who does not feel successful or powerful doesn't feel like a man. Prison has done its best to try to make him feel like less of a man. Let him take pride in giving you gifts if that is what makes him feel good about himself, your relationship and makes him feel like a man again.

California sunshine,
I am just wondering what he said to you while he was in prison. Did you two talk about marriage and all the things that come with it? I know you have been a member here for a long time so that must mean he was in there for a long time. Was he always your one-and-only, even while he was locked up? I'm sure he was. He should give you the same respect. It would not be rational for him to bring other people into the picture. I would hate for him to do that and then see the relationship fall apart for something totally unrelated to his feelings for you. Jealousy and insecurity are two things that can tear anyone apart. Maybe he is insecure with himself because, like Crone said, he feels like he has failed you in some way. But after all of the letters, visits, phone calls, just remind him of how he felt during his "stay" and tell him not to take his time with you for granted. Good luck and I hope you have some good news next post.

" Let him take pride in giving you gifts if that is what makes him feel good about himself, your relationship and makes him feel like a man again"

Oh believe me I do however obviously there is something more to what he is feeling if he is wanting to back away from me

Cali, I am interrpretting this as him wanting you but the stress of the world, a job, a committment all at once is alot for him. I don't know how but give him some space. He will appreciate you for it. I think he loves you and is just feeling overwhelmed with everything right now.

I now this is easier said than done!

Hang in there and do something nice for yourself. Ciao bella.

Some wise person a long time ago explained to me that a man sees his self worth in his success in a job, a woman sees her self worth in the sucess of her relationships. Once I figured that out it was so simple to figure out my husband. I quit fighting for the wine and roses and helped him down the career path which made me sucessful in the relationship arena. Don't know if those might be the dynamics going on but could be.

Thanks all!

Mia,I am giving him some space for now before we have this dreaded "talk" over the weekend.I guess after we discuss things I'll have a better idea of where we are headed.

LAT,That is a good quote! I have and will continue to help him in any way possible with jobs etc. Could possibly be some of what is going on with him.He just got more bad news on the money front yesterday,a letter from State revenue recovery saying he owes $10,000 so I know that is a huge pressure for him right now as he is busting his behind with two part time jobs trying to make ends meet as it is.

Gringa, Yes I was his one and only while he was away.We are first loves who were together for many years as teens/younger adults then split up for many years and found our way back together again when he got in trouble ( I found him and wrote) We were just friends for quite awhile as that is all he was ready for then about a year and a half ago we decided to make a go of our relationship again
We did have a few issues where he got scared and backed off while he was in but I thought we had worked through all those issues.

Cali you have been so patient with Matt. It seems that he is riding an emotional roller coaster ride these days, and he is taking you with him. Just take everything in stride if that is possible. I think you are one hell of a woman.

Oh Cali, I am so sorry you are going thru this right now. I really dont know what to say right now. Maybe its best you give him his space, if you two want different things then maybe it wasnt ment to be. Sounds like he is confused himself! Hopefully everything will work out as it has done in the past.

Cali,

Sorry that Matt has you not knowing which way is which in the relationship. I think once he realize that you were there when he was and you sure aint going no where now. That you love him no matter his flaws he will be ok. I think maybe he just want to be able to do so much so fast and he cant and he may feel lowly.

I hope it all works out for the best.

Jillian

I'm agreeing with e-wife here... I don't know why but I believe he really loves you and is just overwhelmed, having a hard time.

Very few people are able to throw themselves 100% into a committed relationship and be 100% consistent all the way through. I, for instance, am a big-hearted person, but I also get scared and sometimes back away even when it is really not what I want to do....

Just follow your heart.... you are right to think now about what you need. I hope your talk brings you closer!

I also hope you don't compare what you have to some "perfect" flawless relationship... some are more difficult than others, diamonds in the rough, but every bit as worthwhile... those roses say something too :)

I haven't been in this situation before, therefore, I really can't offer my advice, but I could and I will wish you the best of luck and hopefully everything works out well. Good luck and God bless you and your loved one.

Cali-I don't honestly know what to say. I am so sorry you going through this.

But I think Crone2004 has hit it right on the head-at least where Jason and I are at. I see exactly what she is saying right here in my own home.

Jason and I have been having a hell of a time. He has been home 2 months. Right now we are casual. He has some serious issues that I didn't even know about until his mom told me. I already had serious issues and have been in counseling for 4 years. His D&A counseling starts today. His mother has got him in to see her psychiatrist. Prison debilitated him mentally. He basically lives upstairs and I live downstairs. We both agreed that this is the best for right now. We need to get ourselves, individually, together first.

Jason hates it that he doesn't have a job yet. I told him yesterday that we would get something for his daughter for Valentines Day and ship it to her. I thought he was going to cry. I told him we are in this together. Money has never mattered to me. It is just a means to an end. But that is all men know. He doesn't want me to get him anything because he can't get me anything. He has all these plans and he is at a standstill.

I just see this as an extension of prison time. I had the same hopes and dreams for when he came home. I had no experience with this and God knows, I wasn't ready for reality. It knocked me on my a**, literally. But we love each other and we have treaded down this sorry road and it has been full of rocks. More has to be done for men/women coming home.

I can't even suggest to you what to do. You have to do what is right for you. You have to talk. If he is not committed to you, then you have to decide what you want to do. I know that even though we are going through hell, we are committed to each other, it is what is holding us together. That is why I am willing to hold on and go the length. That is the key. If there was even the hint of another woman I wouldn't hang.

Only you can decide what you are going to do hon. I wish you the best, you know that and please try and sit and talk the hard talk. Please pm me if you need to. I'm always here. Best wishes and all my love. Your never alone, remember that.

Cali: Good luck this weekend. Pray for God to bring you closer together and to use the right words! Ciao.

Lisa, I am sorry to hear this. I've been there myself.... and still traveling that same road. Give it some time. I'm thinking of you and praying for some peace and certainty for you and Matt. I'm here if you need me.

Much Love-
Lisa

Cali~~ You have been there for me in so many instances I cannot count, Just know sweetie that I am hear for you if you need me!! I could flood you with advice but everyone already has given you some great stuff, I just wanted you to know that I am here for you!!!

:groughug: You know where to find me!! Take care hun!!

Cali, I don't really have any advice. But I do have a comment. One good thing out of it is he is willing to be honest with you. Insecuritities, life changing decisons, commitment, goals all take courage to face them and move forward. How he feels about himself will impact every relationship he has. If he says he is unsure, listen. Hear what he is saying and understand what he means. Saying "slow down I am not ready" is not bad if it is honest.

I am sorry that he hurt you. But I am also hopeful that your furture and his is based on being truthful and open inspite of the hurt. I am also glad that you know what you want. Now it's just a matter of navigating how to get it.

Please if I can say one thing and that is when you walk out of those gates everything is different. Your not writting letters anymore your there in person life has hit you scare in the face. Here is a woman you poured you soul out to and you have nothing to offer and altho you say you are there for him he don't see himself as good enough he has been told this a long time now and it won't change over night. Its easy to write words to someone but when it is in your face the whole world is different you have hopes and dreams while your inside and when you walk out you realize you have nothing and it may be along time before you do if you even survive the hassels of parole and getting a job you still have this relationship to deal with trying to keep some one happy when you only want to run and hide. So if you love him give him some time to reaccuaint himself into life in general he feels pressured to be what you want him to be or parole wants him to be or life wants him to be and he don't even know who he is anymore his life has changed as has yours. You put alot of time into this I would say don't give up on him now. Every relationship has problems but when you love a person that has been inside believe me we have problems coming out that you can't understand cause we dont even. I know it took me about six months before I was even half way calm enough to even think about tomorrow much less have to deal with anyone elses feelings hell dealing with just everyday life on parole is hard enough. Good luck to you both but my advice is hold on and listen with your ears and not your huting heart and really hear what he is saying and if you understand really understand he will be with you it will just take time.

Hey Cali,
Baby, you hang in there with your man, I understand you not wanting to go through this situation over and over again, but we have to understand that our men really do go through things, and have alot of time to think about things while they are in prison, I totally believe that he loves you but maybe he is feeling bad because he can not provide for you the way HE wants to not just being there to love you TO HIM is probably not enough, so I say this, if he needs space - give it to him, but let there be some type of time limit on it, it shouldn't take him a 6 month - 1 year period to find out how he wants to spend the rest of his life, with you or without you. And if the space is to date around HELL NO!!!! Let him know you did not wait on him to come home to start wanting to date. The space is for him to figure out what he needs to do in his life and he can't do that while dating around. So honey, just be firm in your beliefs when you all have this TALK and stand your grounds, if he wants space and you give it to him, let it be on your terms. NOT HIS. Because the term of space is his and not yours (right) so you put your foot down too.
Kesha

I did not want to read this as much as I am sure you did not want to type it. Woo Woo Woo CA.

I'm having flashbacks of my "dreaded" talk with Daddy and while all relationships are different, a few posters have hit the nail on the head as far as I am concerned.

it sounds like he is NOT sure of what he wants, very confused indeed, and it has to do with him, it is not a judgement on you. so my thought would be, figure out what YOU want and go with that...cause what you've got is a guy who obviously needs time to think. he may well conclude (AGAIN) that you are what he really needed all along or he may not, but don't let him make you crazy in the process. Do you, hon!

...he's uncomfortable that he isn't able to provide for you the way that society feels a man should provide for a woman. Maybe he is feeling unworthy. Prison isn't known for their pats on the head but rather for it's negative affect on our loved ones.

...all you want is his love and devotion and he knows that. Perhaps for him part of that love and devotion is giving you what he feels you deserve - for Valentine's Day and every day. Nothing that you say is going to change what as a man HE FEELS he needs to give you . Men are very much about money because for them money is power. Money carries prestige. Money says success. A man who does not feel successful or powerful doesn't feel like a man. Prison has done its best to try to make him feel like less of a man. Let him take pride in giving you gifts if that is what makes him feel good about himself, your relationship and makes him feel like a man again.

Now I'm about to cry again... but i'm so much stronger now. When Daddy was on lock he wanted to marry me ASAP (even on lock if i agreed), but when he hit the streets, he wanted to build a foundation in the "free world" as girlfriend and boyfriend. I believe fornication leads to unneccesary suffering and i wasn't feeling that. But i compromised. Then Daddy started feeling unworthy. $$$ On top of that, my emotions and moods were swinging fast. We talked, or rather I talked. He would be sweet and loving one day and moody and sullen the next. Eventually he fell all the way off. He was frustrated about this and that and there was nothing I could do. I gave him his space and now we are history. I cried for days missing him , but I knew it was for the best. CA please don't bail on your honey unless you are sure "this ain't what you want".

~Smooches Cali~

Cali~ I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I really don't have any advice for you and I am sorry. But I do feel that all the other Ladies have given you great advice. I want you to know that I am praying for you and Matt and that all goes well for you this weekend.

Hugs,
Salena

Girl you are living my worst nightmare. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's true I am married to my man, but I'm no fool- I know that can't make things right if they are not meant to be. I know it has to be hard on these men when they come home, but I'm praying it brings my husband and I closer together rather than driving us apart, but you never know. Hang in there and keep your head up. Be sure to take care of yourself first!

Oh Cali I am so sorry sweetie! :( When I saw this thread, I was like no that can't be! :( I really hope and pray that things will work out for ya'll. I have never thought it was fair for the woman to be expected to sit back and wait while the man "figures out" what he wants, but at the same time I know it's hard to just up and walk away from someone you love. I just wish you the best hun and I do believe he truly loves you too, as ewife and qwerty said, but hopefully he will realize soon that you are the best thing that ever happened to him.

Big ((((((hugs))))))) hun

Love, Cel

Hey Cali! :)

Girl I'm sorry to hear this..I didnt think it could be you either! but girl, I'm praying too! and I'm wit Miss on what she said! HUGS CAL!

OOHHH I was so sad to read this post.I have read your posts and followed your journey for a while.I truly hope this man wises up and realizes that he has a faithful woman who was there when he was down, and that he does not need to look anywhere else cause he already has what is best for him.Its just amazing to me how soon some men forget how many sacrafices women make for the while they are incarcerated.I wish you all the best Cali......... :o

cali, i can really relate to you. there is times when matt is distant and confused and just plain doesnt know what he wants. i am like you, i need more stability, it is hard at times. what i try to do is just roll with the punches and let him adjust...not put my feelings on the back burner, but just chill and patient. this is a hard adjustment for both of you bu he will come around, i know he will. maybe the reality is setting in about alot of things, not just you and him. this to will pass :) lots of love, ash

((((((((((APPLAUSE))))))))) Well said!!! Thank you!

Please if I can say one thing and that is when you walk out of those gates everything is different. Your not writting letters anymore your there in person life has hit you scare in the face. Here is a woman you poured you soul out to and you have nothing to offer and altho you say you are there for him he don't see himself as good enough he has been told this a long time now and it won't change over night. Its easy to write words to someone but when it is in your face the whole world is different you have hopes and dreams while your inside and when you walk out you realize you have nothing and it may be along time before you do if you even survive the hassels of parole and getting a job you still have this relationship to deal with trying to keep some one happy when you only want to run and hide. So if you love him give him some time to reaccuaint himself into life in general he feels pressured to be what you want him to be or parole wants him to be or life wants him to be and he don't even know who he is anymore his life has changed as has yours. You put alot of time into this I would say don't give up on him now. Every relationship has problems but when you love a person that has been inside believe me we have problems coming out that you can't understand cause we dont even. I know it took me about six months before I was even half way calm enough to even think about tomorrow much less have to deal with anyone elses feelings hell dealing with just everyday life on parole is hard enough. Good luck to you both but my advice is hold on and listen with your ears and not your huting heart and really hear what he is saying and if you understand really understand he will be with you it will just take time.

As always great advice everyone...Thanks:)

I fully intend on hanging on and giving him the space he needs to figure things out.I love him and that love is unconditional,it always has been since we were teens.I do not want to give up on him or on us.This is,he is what I want,what I have wanted half of my life.I do believe it can work however if his space includes seeing others in a romantic/intimate kind of way I personally believe he can figure out what he wants/needs without doing that.That is something I do not think I can handle.Again though until we speak more about this I don't know for certain what his intentions are.Once we sit down tomorrow night and talk things will hopefully be a little clearer

Ms. Cali~ Wanted to check in with you again. (((((Lisa)))))

As you know I don't buy into the whole he's having a tough time adjusting so let's cut him some major slack. When someone, anyone makes promises to another he/she should keep them. Don't get me wrong I am not completely unsympathetic to the difficulties our newly free mates are going through I just don't believe it gives them a license to switch up at any given point in time and expect that we will be accepting of that. It's an issue of respect, not to mention that we too have some adjustments to make. I agree that his honesty is a good thing, the mixed messages would drive me up the proverbial wall though.

I spoke to Sebastian about this last night as I wanted his point of view. He wonders what issues the two of you dealt with once Matt was home that might have given you some indication that he was moving in this direction. I remember he was in this frame of mind for a bit towards the end of his incarceration. Were there similarities? Whether you and Matt decide to stay together or not it might be helpful to you to define the problem areas as history tends to repeat itself.

I hope you find some peaceful moments though I know this is a rough time for you. I'm here anytime you need me.

Much Love,
Patty

Thanks Patty.Ya know I asked myself the same thing Sebastion asked and the answer is nothing that is why it was/is such a shock.Yes we did have those issues before he came home and as you know I backed off and it just worked itself out.Since he has been home everything has been good,he has told me how happy he is etc.We get along great in every way,spend time with his kids, have talked about living together eventually etc. and I was under the impression everything was going well UNTIL a phone call Monday night were we argued a little bit and I admit I was a witch and flew off the handle.He says now that that was not what lead him to this,that he was thinking about it before but that yes the argument did upset him because although he knew it was stupid on both of our parts and not something to be getting mad about he felt himself getting really angry and thinking this is to much like a bad past relationship of his and it didn't feel good.He says it isn't what prompted this but I am wondering if it is........
I have backed off since Wen. when he brought all of this "space" talk up and now he is being his usual self,gave me roses yesterday,called twice last night and already three times tonight.Its very confusing these mixed signals and bottom line is I think he is very confused although I can't say that helps my confusion much as its not like this is a new relationship,its been going on off and on for 15 years so I would think he has figured out how he feels about me by now.Of course that was all pre prison and we were split up pre prison and I know prison changes things but....but what? I don't know!
I really don't know what else to say or do at this point,I'm just waiting to see what he has to say and how our discussion goes tomorrow night ya know?

Oh Cali I wish I knew what to say but I don't. He obviously is confused! Maybe he will overcome it and it will just be a ohase he went through!


I will include you in my prayers! Hang in there sweetie.... No one said this road was easy right?

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))
Jenny

Oh Cali! Noooooo!!!!!!!!! I'm so sorry, girl. I can't even imagine what you are going through. You guys have been together so long and wow.... I always admire your strength.
I don't really know what to say, because everyone else seems to have said it well. I have heard that you can't really love anyone fully/completely (talking about him- not you) until you love yourself, but that could be just another saying. Maybe it's him and his inner conflict - not necessarily the whole getting out of prison thing but just who he is and trying to figure it out. But you don't deserve to be hurt. Whatever you decide to do, you will still (and always) have my love and support. I truly look up to you and will be thinking about you and praying for you. Be strong, girl

Cali, Good luck, I hope the Great Spirit opens your man's heart to how he honestly feels.
I hope things go well for you Cali you are a wonderful woman and deserve the best.

I hope your talk goes well (((HUGS)))

Thanks
He is coming to spend the day here tomorrow so we will talk then.He is working a double today and when he went to meet his children to get them for the rest of the weekend they never showed up at the meeting place and he can't get ahold of them so needless to say he isn't in the best of spirits,he decided to just go home after work tonight and come down in the morning to spend the day here

Cali - Im so sorry you are going through this. I have not checked up on you, and for that I am sorry.

Your story is so similar to mine. We have loved these men forever and a lifetime. Trust me, I know how difficult the thought of letting go is. I have been there. Confusion, anger, hurt, dissapointment, to the point I feel I cannot breathe.

Jeff has put me through a difficult time, not with us, with his lifestyle. But still, the thought of letting go is the scariest thought that has ever entered my mind.

You two have been through a lot together. It has been a rough road and with his homecoming, you believed that the rough road was going to end. You were, and still are sure of what you want. The hardest thing I think to deal with is when you have one so sure, and the other unsure.

I can only imagine how hearing the word "space" affected you. I mean didnt you two have enough space? Thats all you had while he was on the inside. But I truly believe that there are two different things that seperate us from them.

We long for the day that they come home, the day that we will finally be able to go on with our lives and finally be happy. They will never understand what we went through while they were in there. The constant fear of something happening to them, the constant lonliness, etc.

Now they on the other hand, they long for the day that they come home, but not only for us, to regain their freedom, to start their lives over. As they will never understand what we went through, I dont think we will truly ever be able to understand what they went through. It is like one day you are let out of gates and your whole life is given back to you. You are able to walk, without someone telling you how to walk, eat without someone telling you when or what to eat, etc. I am sure it is very overwhelming, as it is for us to have them home.

There is a huge adjustment period for the both of you. I feel many of these men do not feel like "men" when they come home. Why? They are still helpless. All the things a man is supposed to do for a woman, they cannot. It is very difficult to find a job, to be accepted by society. But I believe the most difficult thing for them is that they can not do for us what they want to do for us.

They think we need, or want certain things, material things, when all we really want deep down inside is love.

I must admit that I feel differently in this situation. You know me, as soon as someone says that he is unsure, and he is confusing me, well princess is always telling them, "well if he doesnt appreciate you JUST LEAVE". But princess doesn't feel this way with your situation. I cannot tell you to move on with your life and "just leave". I wont.

I understand that you have to do what is going to make you happy, and that you deserve stability in your relationship, but I truly believe that you are going to have that! Cali - love like ours, it is rare, and it is different. The first time you told me of your story it was almost a year ago through a pm, and you ended your pm with this:

"We are together again and both believe it was meant to be,we are soulmates that is what really matters :)"

Love like this, is never easy. If it was easy, everyone would experience what we have experienced. I cannot believe that I am actually posting and telling someone to wait it out!!! This is very different for me! LOL! But seriously, I believe that you two are worth fighting for!

I am always here for you if you need to talk Cali. I am in no way suggesting that you should stay in a relationship that you are not happy in, but I truly believe that you are NOT ready to give up yet! (((HUGS))).

Thanks JP I appreciate your post and you very much :)

He will be here in a few hours to spend the day/night with me so I'll give ya all an update sometime tomorrow eve

Cali, I hope ya'lls talk goes well too sweetie. Super big ((((((hugs)))))) :grouphug:

Hi Cali, although I don't know you personally, I see all of your posts everywhere & you seem like a very caring and loving person. I hope everything works out for you. I know sometimes men can get overwhelmed easily especially after getting out of prison. I think I read your guy was in the SHU as well & that can't be easy. I do not think I would be comfortable with a "casual" relationship either. Who knows, maybe some space will do him good & realize how good he has it with you!! I also agree that you should NOT settle. You will know what feels right after your talk, follow your heart & that "feeling" that you know is right.

Good luck and I truly wish you the best :)

AHHHHHHHHHHH So frusturated!

He was supposed to come spend the day/night with me (Got permission from his PO) so we could spend time together and talk this through and he shows up with his brother in tow! He called and asked first and I said ok what was I going to say no?

Fine...ok....I'll be cool........backing off...giving him space...I'm rolling with the punches here!

I'll go shop while the boys watch the game and after dinner we can take his brother home them spend the rest of the night together and talk

awwww cali i hope everything goes ok

Sounds like what he DOESN't want to do is talk. In prison, they can say and think and think they feel all sorts of good things about us. Then reality strikes. While they were in, we are the only thing they had to hold on to. When they're out, there are a thousand options/decisions/choices to be made, and they are really rusty at it (if they were even good at it in the first place.)
I don't think we can really know what that's like, hard as we may try. The fact is, they don't, often, know who they are any more, if they ever did.
He's talking to you, just not a way you expected. A guy way, not a girl way.

Maybe if you back off and let him come to you, the talk will happen, and meanwhile you do your thing :)...I agree Nimuay...that helps me too to hear that ;)

Mrs G I think you are on to something there! (back off, let him come to you.) I bet he will! but ARGGGGH cali, to be hosting a super bowl party at such a moment! I'd be ready to spit nails! But don't! Hugs!

Oh yah ladies he is coming to me since I have backed off LOL Flowers,millions of calls,millions of kisses and hugs tonight,telling me what a good girl I am,how special etc...........If we don't talk tonight fine I'll just enjoy the day and night we spent together but at some point we will need to talk about this

well dang straight you're good and special!

CaliforniaSunshine

I hope it works out for you both...given time it may. But I can understand how difficult the emotional roller coaster and uncertainty must be for you.
Hugs

Cali - you have the patience of a saint. I would be going crazy if I where you. Actually I am kind of going through the same thing right now myself. All of a sudden he is not sure of what he wants to do when he comes home, and in the past two days he has changed his mind several times. I could just pull my hair out. I am trying to be understanding. I love it how men complain about women being so complicated - look who is talking.

I am sorry hun. I hope things work out for you, I reeeeeally do. GOOD LUCK!! :)

Well after a wonderful day and night together we talked and it's still up in the air.He feels exactly how he said he felt...confused,pressured,unsure of what he wants,emotionally unstable, like he needs freedom to stand on his own two feet and get his life back etc.
I let him know that I loved him and always will and I would give him the space he needs to do what he needs to do in order to feel good about himself and his life but that if that space ever involves others that that I don't feel I can do so he would have to decide if freedom to do as he wished if it ever comes to that is worth loosing me.

We both cried,he is very conflicted I see that and I am very sad I didnt expect this to happen I really thought everything was fine and we were on our way to a lifetime together.

I know he loves me but honestly I don't know if right now that love is enough to get us through

One day at a time I guess............

Awww sweetie... yuck... It's good he is so open and honest with you and he may just need some time to sort out his feelings and in six months you'll be in heaven -- but it still sucks for now...

((((((((((lots of hugs!!))))))))))

It's good that you are communicating so well. I think u and he are kind of like me and my husband in that we've "talked" about splitting up (i wig out once a month and say i can't handle this anymore) but NO MATTER WHAT we could never be "over." No matter what our situations were, i'd love him and desire him always.

I'm glad that you BOTH were able to talk about what you both are feeling. That is most important for me. One day at a time my sister.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Well after a wonderful day and night together we talked and it's still up in the air.He feels exactly how he said he felt...confused,pressured,unsure of what he wants,emotionally unstable, like he needs freedom to stand on his own two feet and get his life back etc.
I let him know that I loved him and always will and I would give him the space he needs to do what he needs to do in order to feel good about himself and his life but that if that space ever involves others that that I don't feel I can do so he would have to decide if freedom to do as he wished if it ever comes to that is worth loosing me.

We both cried,he is very conflicted I see that and I am very sad I didnt expect this to happen I really thought everything was fine and we were on our way to a lifetime together.

I know he loves me but honestly I don't know if right now that love is enough to get us through

One day at a time I guess............

COMMUNICATION IS KEY. keep the lines flowing between you too. and pleasee remember to pray, it keeps you both grounded :) i know this is not the end girl, only the begining. :)

((((((((((HUGS CALI!!)))))))))))

I'm glad yall were able to talk too!! :) Stay up sweetie!

COMMUNICATION IS KEY. keep the lines flowing between you too. and pleasee remember to pray, it keeps you both grounded :) i know this is not the end girl, only the begining. :)

Cali - Girl, you said it. One day at a time! I understand what you are saying about space being one thing, but seeing other people being another. That you would not tolerate that, and I think he knows that.

I know its hard girl, but sometimes we have to stop trying so hard and just live and I bet you everything will be ok.

Hang in there girl! Hey, you all are talking about it! That is one of the biggest steps!

I am glad to see that he is so open with you. Most men can't relate like that(I have one!).

I have backed off of Jason. I had too. Time will tell. Neither one of us has it together.

It is ripping me apart but I just go to counceling and dump it there.

I told him, too, no others, and he said he would never do that to me and to please just hang on and I won't be sorry. He is always talking about different things he wants to do to this house, so he is planning on staying.

I know this is so hard for you. I know what your going through. Of course it is all up to you and what he decides. Hang in there girl and take of you.

PM me if you need to talk.

I think it is great he talking to you and expressing how he feels, that you both are, like everyone said, that is so important. Take it as it comes and let it flow, this has nothing to do with you either, it seems alot of them have these conflicts when they come home...Hang in there :)

Thanks everyone
I am having a super hard time with this,every day I cry half the freaking day! In a way I feel like this isn't going to work so should I just save myself heartache later on down the line? But I just can't let go yet I love him and want to be with him and believe that is what he wants to.I just keep second guessing myself and thinking what if it isn't?
I hate this,I hate this feeling of not knowing how its going to turn out,not knowing that it IS going to have a happy ending.I used to believe it would now I'm not so sure
:(

I hope everything turns out alright. Regardless, I hope YOU will be alright. Take care!

Cali, sweetie, of course you are sad and conflicted. But the other girls have given you a lot of good advice - just let yourself be, whatever you are feeling. Don't try to be what you think you are supposed to be right now for him - be what you need to be for you. If that's sad and crying, so be it. If you tell him, I feel like maybe I should walk away so I don't get hurt but at the same time I don't want to - tell him. Just keep talking to each other and give yourself the same freedom you are offering to him. You are a wonderful, lovely person - it shines through every post you write. Whatever happens, you will be okay. :grouphug:

Jessica

:(....

Man the F' Up.. (Him)

The world ain't easy but that is life... I really hate to read all this Cali and I do think you are doing the right thing by being patient, but it pisses me off when someone can be a tough-all-knowing (himself) SOB inside and lost puppy on a number of other accounts on the street...
I've read half this thread and I hate to see the "Speed bumps" to love and happiness. I know what it is like getting out and the transition can be really tough.... It took me a long time to want to share a lot of close-contact time with my girl.... I was used to my space and my ways.... We didn't know each other before WE got out but it probably would have been the same... Or maybe worse? Because I can recall pouring my heart and dreams out on paper to people close to me, including my Ex, and even if that is who I would have landed with, I think I still would have wanted my own space, however I don't think it would have included any insecurities about our relationship outside what I would have expounded on while inside...

I know I am not being much help... I just felt like posting because I know you're a wonderful person and I really hope this transition works out for the best...

Lots of Hugs,
David

Cali I agree with Fed X

I don't understand how anyone can go from being toatally devoted to being totally unsure. But it happens. I did a lot of crying after Daddy's release as well. But i am too blessed to be stressed so I dried it up. Suffice to say my story didn't end the way i wanted it too, but God knows it was for the best.

I hope it all works out for you honey.

I am so sad to hear this. I have read sooo many of your post and think you are an awesome woman... all I can say hun, is stay strong andyou never know what the future may bring. I am very sorry that you are going thru this now...:(

(((((((((many many hugs))))))))
love ya
Michele

I’m truly sorry that this is happening. My only thought, that kind of pisses me off for you and others in this situation is.
How is it that when they were in they wanted and needed all this love, devotion, understanding, letters, phone calls, pictures, visits, $. Then once in the free world all of that changes????????? Now there’s confusion and a need for space?????? I’m sorry I’m not trying to put anyone’s man down especially not yours. I dont know any of them or what they are going through. I guess it just makes me so mad. When I have been here on Pto and have read your threads and post along with others. They were filled with so much love, understanding, concern, patients, and a willingness to make there life in prison a more comfortable one. God forbid you turned your back on him while he was in. Babe you know Im out here and you are in there, I think I need some space some time to think things through of what I want and need Im confused. But I do love you? How would they fell???
I’m not saying that your love for him and what you have done for him needs to be rewarded or even paid back that’s something you choose to give him. But on the other hand I do kind of. My husband has tells me often how he will never forget how I was the only one down for him.
I don’t know Cali I probably shouldn’t have posted. Because Im not trying to make you fell bad. I just fell for you is all. Some times I get a little to lippy.
I pray that you will find some understanding an peace soon.
Luv

Raechelle

Cali, girl I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. My heart just breaks reading this and feeling the pain that you are in. I know I would be feeling the same exact way if it were me. I am praying for both of you. Just have faith that everything is happening for a reason. Just have faith. Love you Jeanne

Im so Sorry,Cali......Just know your in my Thoughts and Prayers.....

Cali (hugs) ... What can I say girl ... there is hope here ... I see it ... I've seen it in your posts over and over ... it will prevail ... I'm sure of it, it'll just be a rocky road ... it's not any kind of a smooth journey so try not to expect the end result to come from one ... have faith, patience and trust in yourself, him and the relationship ... just take it one day at a time. The good days and the bad days. You have a lot of time already invested, a lot of heart, feelings & so on ...

Although I'll admit I don't know EXACTLY how you feel, but I feel pretty darn close. You've uttered some very words as if taken from my own mind, so close so I do understand on some level.

I'm certainly sending you my very best positive thoughts and well wishes. :)

Cali, I'm new to this group but it feels like I understand your emotional roller coaster. and his. honey, do not feel bad doing whatever is the best thing for you. Take excellent care of yourself, i.e. hot baths, massages, facials, long walks, listening to your favorite 'up' music. And if necessary, it would be fine if you took the painful, but maybe necessary, step of leaving him alone for a month or two, then coming back together to decide if life together is really what you want. you honestly have my sincere hopes that things turn out in a positive way that brings you the happiness i am sure you deserve; in fact, that we all deserve. many blessings to you.

Yeehaw the boss posted in my thread! LOL Thanks David,it gives me a little insight into this as you were once there yourself and feeling some of it too.

RAM of course you should have posted! I'm glad you did,thank you

Thanks everyone for all of your replies.I'm just taking it day by day and hoping it all works out.At this rate you all may be hearing my mouth for months on this subject,hope ya don't get sick of it but this is my one real outlet to discuss our ups and downs!

Thanks again

Cali,

girl, growing and relationships and love, it all hurts sometimes...maybe this rough time will make you two stronger and maybe you will get closer, maybe you will see, it will all unfold as it was meant to be...Maybe you will end up breaking up...but, maybe the world will end tomorrow, maybe you will win the lotto, shoot, ya never know! You are right where you are supposed to be right now, I believe... the bad things and memories teach us the most sometimes...

If you need to cry, you should, but do not let it run your life and let yourself miss out on what you could be enjoying and all the small blessings YOU DO have...RIGHT NOW!
I have been on an emotional roller coaster myself ( he is not yet home but...) and it has been HARD...but I have to live my life and take care of myself and life keeps moving no matter what we do...so why not smile and make the best of it! why sit, cry and wait for something to end horribly?

I do not think he went from being totally ready to totally not ...maybe he had no idea what it would be like out here, but he HOPED he would and BELIEVED he would, because he loved you and thought he could do it, and now, when he faced with REALITY, it suddenly hit him and he can't deal...In a way, Fed-X is right, he has got to grow up and face this...but then again, maybe he just cannot right now...and that is on him, not all men coming out here are the same mentally...

But meanwhile you gotta live and not sit home crying....

hey, this movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, did you see it? His gf ends up wanting to erase him from her memory because she did not love him anymore, she got bored, or whatever...so then he wants to do this too...but it ends up, that he realizes, even if she broke his heart in the end, he would never want to erase those memories, when you erase the bad you also erase the good, and at the end, she tells him...."I will get bored and leave you again...." (you have to see it to understand maybe) he ended up saying, well " don't care" Because for him, he would rather have loved and lost to have never loved...

Maybe this does not make sense, and maybe I am going off the point here, but I just wanted to reach out and say HANG IN THERE! Just because...IN a way, it helps me too, and it would make me happy to see everyone in here make it!

I've been home sick as a dog with the flu,he has it as well but today he drove down here (30 minutes) just to check in on me before he had to drive back home for work to make sure I was ok :) That was nice and made me feel a little more positive about where things are headed and my decision to give him some space

I'm glad he was able to bring some sunshine into your world at a time when you are feeling so ill.

Take care of yourself and get well soon.

Cali ~ I've been reading your posts since I joined PTO. You always have such kind, supportive word's for everyone here. Thank you.

I am so sorry to read that your man is putting you through this. I wish we could all pound lumps on his head and try to get through to him what a sweet person you are and how lucky he is to have you in his life.

Sometimes men are so dumb (not the guys here of course)

I hope thing's are turning around for you.

God Bless,

Bec

feel better ;)

Things are still just moving along pretty much like normal,no changes as of yet.He spent two days here with me and we just lounged around on the couch(I'm still sick) watching tv,hanging out,we didn't talk about anything serious to do with us and he didn't want to talk about the things happening with his childrens custody issues right now so I didn't push.
Just taking it one day at a time

Cali- I'm glad that you two got to spend some time together. You are right in taking it one day at a time. I wish I could just fast forward in time for you and make things all better, but you are strong and I think you're doing a great job keeping it together. I really hope it all works out. I love you :)

Keep doing what youre doing Cali!! :) I pray nothing but the best for you two!!!

Taking it one day at a time....all we can do ;)

Dissapointed tonight :(

I haven't seen him in almost a week.We had plans for him to come spend the night tonight.I was going to make dinner and we were going to watch the Godfather III (We have been watching the whole trilogy one weekend at a time).He called and said he couldn't make it afterall as his Mom wasn't feeling well and he thought he should stay and help her with the kids (His little brothers and sisters). I completely understand that,he is being a good son I'm just bummed since I have tomorrow off and was really looking forward to spending some time with him.

He is going through some stuff right now with his kids and has to meet his ex's Mom on Wed. to talk about custody issues.I was hoping I could talk to him about it in person before he went not that it is any of my business but I care and want him to think about some things before he makes any big decisions.

I'm being really good about this space stuff but dang it starts taking a toll on me and making me feel bad about things ya know? Some days I'm full of hope and it seems like nothing has changed others I'm not so hopefull or rather I'm always hopeful but some days I feel down and I'm not so sure it is going to work out....Hopefully we will get to spend some time together tomorrow,he said he will be here for the night.Hopefully he will!

awww.. a week is a long time. so sorry hon.

Well he is an a**hole.I thought we had plans for tonight after his anger management class so I made a big old dinner and 8 pm rolls around,he isnt here.I call his house and he answers.I said "Must of forgot we had plans huh? Dinner is sitting on the table" He says "oh s**t sorry,I didnt go to class today its a holiday so I worked at labor ready and just got home about 7" I was like "and you couldn't come here after work instead?" He said he plain forgot.I'm not buying it personally this is the second night in a row he was supposed to spend the night here and didn't show.I asked him if everything was allright and he said yah what would be wrong,I said "everything in your mind is fine with us"? He said yes why wouldnt it be? I told him in my mind when your boyfriend flakes on you two nights in a row after not seeing each other for a week things are not fine and hung up.

He called back and asked me please not to toss out the dinner and please forgive him he would be here tomorrow after counseling at 4:30.

Gut instinct things are not ok,he did not seem sincere with his apologies.Not only that but wouldn't you miss your girl as I miss him after not seeing each other for a week?

I'm mad,I'm upset,I'm tired of crying over him.I'm mad at myself for not having the strenghth to end it now on my terms but god I love him and want it to work and I still have HOPE that it will,I haven't given up that hope yet but I also know this just doesn't feel good.

We are going to have to talk about us some more tomorrow wether he wants to or not.I feel like things are too up in the air still ( I have felt ok about things for awhile as nothing has seemed to change between us even after our talk,things have been good but last night I started getting an uneasy feeling again) and I feel like things are not going right and we need to talk some more about us and where we are going if anywhere.

I have no advice, but i do want you to know i can relate to what you are going through. I'll send you a PM. You can PM me as well, if you so choose.

You have been loving, kind, good and faithful. The ball is in his court.

I am sorry to hear that Cali. I am glad you shared that because it's a fear that I am sure me and a lot of other women have when our men get out. I believe also that for some men it is an adjustment period that they have to go through getting re-acclamated with real life can sometimes be hard for them I am sure. I believe it can be a little overwhelming. I am not sure how long yours has been home but I believe that you not letting this become your issue will get you through this much easier. I pray that you both find what you need and prayerfully that will be each other. Thank you for being so honest anad God bless you both.