"WHY DO ABUSED WOMEN STAY?" (Part one of four)

I actually wrote this a couple years ago, on another website, but since we have been talking here at PTO about the Clara Harris murder case, I promised someone I'd post these here. Perhaps they will be useful to someone!

All My Love,
Menolly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It has come to my attention that a well-loved woman on this website is an abused wife, dealing moment by moment with her hubby's moods and wrath.

To most people, the answer to such a situation is simple: LEAVE HIM, NOW! Yet she stays.

So, my point to all of you, is "Why does she stay?" And my question to all of you is "Is there anything her friends, including us site members, can do for her before we lose her?"

TO THE GENTLE MEN on this board, don't stop reading because you feel "Ah, this is oneof them feminist trips!"

THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM TOO!

Because any abusive man smears YOUR reputation also, and makes all women hesitant to trust YOU. Besides, one day, this might be your sister, or your daughter we're talking about. So you have a role to play also, in addition to the one you are already playing (that of showing us how a REAL man treats a woman!).

Forgive me in advance, for the length of these postings. It is a BIG topic. Besides, I wanted to send it to her personally, but I am not convinced that "HE" doesn't read her email, and would erupt AT HER, over my words.

# 1) She DOESN'T KNOW SHE IS ABUSED. Perhaps her childhood was filled with violence, and she truly believes that theirs is a normal relationship. Perhaps she believes his calculatedly rare kindnesses are proof that he does love her. Her friends need to tell her in no uncertain terms, that his is not acceptable behavior, not even from a stranger, much less a husband, and that it certainly is not love.

# 2) She's been SYSTEMATICALLY BRAINWASHED BY HIM, OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, INTO BELIEVING IT IS HER FAULT, AND SHE DESERVES IT. She is constantly telling herself "If only I hadn't burnt his bacon. Or mentioned my objection and hurt at what he said, or did. If only I'd done, as he told me to. If only I'd not lost the receipt for the milk I bought, or forgot to pick up his drycleaning." Her friends need to tell her clearly that a real man does NOT go volcanic over such puny irritations. Nor do REAL men issue such orders and demands. They pick up their own stuff, and run their own errands, and regard it as a favour if a woman does it for them. Such minor details do not result in forced orders, or force if they're not carried out.

# 3) She's WAITING FOR "THE RIGHT TIME" TO LEAVE HIM. She is telling herself "As soon as the toddlers are in school full-time. As soon as I find a job. Once this illness is over. When the bills get paid off." Her friends need to tell her that "Now is The Right Time!", because when that imagined "right time" comes, she will have decided on a new deadline, or he'll have created some new roadblock.

# 4) Her RELIGIOUS/MORAL BELIEFS MAKE HER BELIEVE SHE MUST STAY AND ENDURE. You know the "what God hath joined together" type quotes. Friends might point out Bible passages that say God created you to be his helpmate, not his punching bag.

# 5) Her FAMILY/FRIENDS INSIST OR SUGGEST, SHE SHOULD STAY, sometimes for their own reasons. "Don't bring shame to our family. You made your bed, now lay in it. I told you not to marry him, so don't come crying to me now. Your son needs a Daddy." Or they may be recommending things that will prolong the agony, and probably won't work anyway. "Get marriage counselling. Tell him how you feel, and insist he does things differently" etc. Mistake or not, she needs to be ALLOWED to correct it, and friends and family need to be on her side.

# 6) HE'S TIED HER UP FINANCIALLY. Perhaps he controls the money and bank account. Or the bills are so high, and she fears they'll be split 50/50, and she's stuck with them (including mortgages). Her credit rating is shot. Friends need to go to credit counselling with her, or help her save up money secretly if necessarily. They may even have to be willing to open up their own wallets, lend her credit cards etc. to get out.

"WHY DO ABUSED WOMEN STAY?" (part two)


# 7) HE'S THREATENED VERY CONVINCINGLY THAT HE WILL KILL HER, AND/OR THE KIDS. Every news report of a murdered wife reinforces that belief for her. Maybe he's already killed her cat, poisoned the dog etc. Friends need to tell her he does not have the power, or the right to ALLOW HER TO LIVE, if only she stays to do his laundry etc. Friends will educate her about restraining orders and other legal recources open to her. They may even have to help her hide for awhile. Or help to pack up a truck while he's at work, and move her to a new town.

# 8) SHE HAS NO WORK POSSIBILITIES, OR MEANS OF SUPPORT. She's saying to herself "I never finished college. I've been out of the work force for 10 years. I have 3 kids under the age of 5 years. I have a medical condition/illness that prevents me from working. I am pregnant." Friends need to tell her that, O.k. so work/career is a longer-term goal, but let's look at courses you can take in the meantime, etc., so you will be ready in a year or two."

# 9) She sees REMOVING DADDY FROM HER KIDS LIVES is almost a "punishment" she will be inflicting upon them, because she is unhappy. (It's amazing how instantly, and how often this view changes the first time he lays a finger on her kids!) Friends need to help her see that kids will flourish more with no Dad and a strong, happy mother, than with 2 screaming, hostile parents, and a house filled with bitter air. They need to help her see that "harm" they might endure will be more than offset by the greater safety, and absence of hostility.

# 10) She's been enduring for so long that SHE'S IMMOBILIZED BY CLINICAL DEPRESSION. And doctor's are often only to eager to prescribe her a pill or two, or up her dose a little. This may render her even more lethargic and apathetic. (They may also be misdiagnosing her injuries, or believing all her stories of "accidents".) Friends may need to make a quiet call to her doctor. They may need to overcome her immobility by literally taking her hand, and driving her to a lawyer or counsellor, or to look at apartments.

# 11) She FINDS PRIDE IN HER STUBBORN ENDURANCE, and believes that if she holds on long enough HE'LL CHANGE. She keeps trying to demonstrate her own kindness and good heart, in the hope that he'll learn by example. Friends need to tell her that it is not her duty to endure, and be a perpetual saint and peacemaker. In fact, her good nature is perhaps what he loathes most in her, since he can never be as good a person as she is. And he may count on, and manipulate, her good nature and peaceful, soothing heart, to keep HIS MARRIAGE going, and keep all the services and conveniences that come his way, also going.

# 12) She HAS GREAT NEED TO BELIEVE ALL HIS LIES. "I'm stressed at work" he says. "It won't happen again." "If only you'd stop nagging, then I might want to do..." And the one lie she needs to believe most "Don't leave me. I love you, baby!" Friends need to show her that all his lies are variations of the ONE BIG LIE; "My intentions are good, even when my actions are not", and "It is always someone else's fault, not mine."

"WHY DO ABUSED WOMEN STAY?" (part three)

# 13) She is worried SHE WILL LOSE THE ONLY COMFORT SHE HAS FROM THE RELATIONSHIP, HER KIDS, in a custody battle that she has no money to pay for, in which he has the good income, the house she has vacated, the public reputation and standing in the community, all the things she doesn't have, especially if she stayed home to raise the kids. A friend may need to clip magazine articles and news STORIES, buy her a self-help LAW book, and visit a lawyer with her, to dispel these fears.

# 14) She FEARS THE STEREOTYPICAL HORRORS OF WELFARE, foodstamps, public housing in unsavory neighbourhoods etc. for herself and the kids. Friends need to point out that even if that becomes her reality, she has the ability to make it a TEMPORARY reality. Show her that dignity, class and love INSIDE her kids home, will offset the TEMPORARY drop in lifestyle and atmosphere OUTSIDE her home.

# 15) She HASN'T FINISHED THE PSYCHIC AMPUTATION PROCESS she must make, from this man. In her heart, he may still be that "handsome prince she was so lucky to marry". She may believe he'll become that prince again, if only she finds the right formula (or marriage counsellor etc.) This psychological journey of severence takes a good year or two, to complete. Women don't give up the dream of a happy home and marriage very easily. She's fighting like mad to rebuild it, or at least, hang onto the tattered fragments of it. Friends may need to wait until this process is finished, and keep watch, and keep her safe in the meantime.

# 16) She might be OVERCOME WITH SHAME that she can't make her marriage work; that there's something wrong with her if he can't love her, that she has to publicly admit she made a horrendous mistake, that she might have to bare her scars and wounds, that the neighbours will watch and gossip if the Police come to remove her (or him). Friends need to say "Honey, everyone already knows. They're talking anyway, and can't understand why you seem to be the only one who thinks it's a secret." A friend needs to walk right beside her, and whisper "Hold your head up, just as high as I am" as they walk to the police car, or into the hospital, or into court etc.

# 17) She may believe SHE HAS NOWHERE TO GO, and NO NUMBER TO CALL. Or she may not be able to find that info in a moment of crisis, and when the crisis passes, she is too in shock to look for it, or use it. A friend will give her pamphlets of women's shelters in their town, tuck phone numbers into a hidden compartment of her wallet, physically give her a spare key to their own home, and show her how the couch opens up and where the spare blankets are kept.

# 18) She may believe that STRESS IS A COMPONENT OF ANY RELATIONSHIP. This belief is reinforced by statements she hears (on TV, in malls etc.) like "Oh, we have our ups and downs" and "It makes me so mad when my hubby does xyz" A friend will help her see that while it is true that there is stress in all loves, it does not consume the majority of every day, or escalate to the high levels she lives with. A friend also needs to remain continuously calm and loving and strong, and to IDENTIFY THIS AS LOVE! She needs a basis to compare her relationship with. And if a friend gets impatient with her staying with hubby, or gets hostile or critical of it, well, guess what, the loving friend ends up looking remarkably like the abuser.

"WHY DO ABUSED WOMEN STAY?" (part 4)

# 19) She FEELS SO ALIENATED FROM THE WORLD that life without him seems simply MORE ALONE than with him. A friend needs to show her that she has at least one friend, and that there is a whole world of billions of people out there, waiting to meet her, work with her, attend church, gyms, concerts etc. with her, and some may even one day love her. But, as long as hubby is around, those people will never know about her, much less get to know her qualities and beauties that make her who she is.

# 20) She BUYS INTO THE MYTHS ABOUT "ONE TRUE LOVE" and "soulmates", marriage/house/kids and white picket fences. She may believe this is her last, or only, chance at achieving these dreams. Even worse, she may feel that if she can't make this marriage work, she's a "used up, thrown away" woman that no other man would be interested in. This happens especially in relationships where he controlled and criticized her looks. "You're too fat. You dress all wrong. You wear too much (or not enough) makeup." etc. In addition to being an inadequate woman, she may also see herself as "incomplete" without a man. A friend will point out all her beauty; of face, of body, of soul, of mind, of heart, of personality, and help her believe, even if only for moments at a time. Convince her that these would be appreciated by any man with eyes and a soul himself, but that she can't look for him, nor he for her, as long as she's tied to hubby.

# 21) She's succeeded so well at HIDING THE ABUSE FOR SO LONG, SHE THINKS NO ONE WILL EVER BELIEVE HER. I once knew a woman who hobbled around with fibromyalgia for three years, only to have it miraculously cured the day she left her husband! A friend may need to say "I don't believe you fell down the stairs again!" and start keeping a journal to document dates of bruises and injuries, take pictures of black eyes and cuts, etc. Again, a friend may need to quietly alert the family doctor to ask him to document all her "accidents".

# 22) She may feel SHE IS TOO OLD TO START OVER. A friend will point out that "Honey, maybe you're not feeling too OLD; maybe you're just feeling too TIRED to start over, but as long as you're breathing, you're never too old."

# 23) She may be immobilized by HER FEAR OF CHANGE. Oscar Wilde once said "A habit is a habit. And one always regrets giving up even one's worst habit." It might well be that her fear of the unknown is greater than her fear of him. And, believe me, an abused wife KNOWS her husband's every little nuance. She continually dances a delicate game of watching that little vein that throbs on his forehead, that twitch on the left side of his mouth , all those details that warn her he's gonna blow. The details of embarking upon a brand new life are not so well known or predictable to her, as her husband's moods and pyhsionomy. A friend will help her see CHANGE as an ADVENTURE, a good thing that whe will soon learn to predict as accurately as her husbands moods, and with much happier results.

# 24) Her family and friends, as well-meaning as they may be, MIGHT BE UNDERMINING HER CONFIDENCE EVEN MORE, by saying things like "You're letting him do this to you" or labelling her "victim", or even calling her names like "doormat". A friend needs to speak to her, and speak of her, as strong and getting stronger, and that she is gradually moving towards leaving him. A friend may need to see that FOR HER, FOR NOW she has no say, and no choice and no control. A friend says "We will create choices, and seize control together. And these are the tangible, pertinent details and steps we can take to do that." A friend will help her make lists, and charts, and timelines, and dream up categories of immediate, short-term and long-term goals. A friend will always remember that this is a woman who's been robbed of her dreams, and perhaps has forgotten how to, or even that she has permission to, plan and dream.

"WHY DO ABUSED WOMEN STAY?" (conclusion)

Obviously, I could go on, but this (2 dozen point) list probably seems much to long and boring to all of you, already, especially if you feel abuse is not touching YOUR life, or that of anyone you know.

BUT, TO HER, THE ABUSED WOMAN, I'LL BET THE LIST ISN'T LONG ENOUGH!

TO YOU, MY SWEET GIRL READING THIS, I say print this list off, tick off all the points that apply in your case, and MARCH straight over to your mother, your best friend, your boss, anyone who will listen, and tell them "This is what I am living with!" If you've chosen this person wisely, they WILL help you.

To everyone else, I guess my very long-winded point is this.

It is too easy for us, who are not in her situation, to quickly blurt out (or type out) "Kick him out into the rhubarb!" This is not enough. She already knows she has to do that. She is getting tripped up by "How?" "When?" "I can't because..."

We, her friends, need to answer over and over, and in great detail, all her hows, whens and yes, you cans. We, her friends need to realize that for her, the abusive situation will not be resolved in five minutes. It might take months, and even years, and that will be very LONG and scary time for her.

We, her friends, need to COMMIT our friendship for the long haul, and do tangible things like open our homes, wallets, telephone lines etc. to her, for the long haul.

Can you be such a supportive friend? I believe I can, with perhaps an occasional lapse/mistake or two along the way.

B*****, CALL ME, HON!

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE IN THIS SITUATION, hit your "print" button now. And go give the list to her, now. Then make time to talk with her. Please!


All My Love,
Menolly

menolly,

these threads are excellent on abuse.


with much love,
kim

KIM;

I've been there also, girl! Where the heck do you think I GOT all this "wisdom". It isfrom firsthand experience, beleive me!

My first husband MURDERED my newborn child, before I found the guts to leave! My second husband ran over me twice with a car, then threatened to REALLY kill me, because I called the police, and he got convicted. (He got one day in jail, and one year's probation.)

Then, luckily, I started volunteering at a Women's Centre, then opened my own Woemn's Centre after that.

Then I found my third husband, who was the epitome of everything I'd never known SINCE BIRTH! Respect. Gentleness. LOVE!!! But then he died...

And now, I've found Ken...

All My Love,
Menolly

menolly,

I admire your strength and spirit. So many of us have stories to tell but sometimes because of some strange sense of shame (!) we stay silent. I know that I felt like I was the ONLY one for years. It makes me very sad to think that so many women have suffered like I did and even worse.

(thank you for listening to my private story)

kim

Kimla:

No problem, sweetie!

A misplaced sense of SHAME should be number one on the list!

And when people utter "Why doesn't she just dump the guy?" like she's crazy, well, it just adds to the cycle of shame!

SO! Let me tell YOU, KIMLA, I AM VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU!!!! In fact, I even call you FRIEND!!!

All My Love,
Menolly

Menolly... THANK YOU!!!! - May I add one more thing? -

If you are a friend of an abused person- offer to be there- but PLEASE- don't ever try to pressure your friend into leaving. The result could be that this friend isolates him/herself out of shame and fear- because they know they must leave, but they aren't 'ready' yet. And after that, they might not een turn to you for help- because you might have 'told them so' a long time ago.

I have found myself in my own little world- it's not like I wanted to ignore the people who meant well.


Tanya

Whoever reads this and think 'this wont ever happen to me!':

I was one of them. My parents raised me to b a proud person, strong and proud. I dont know how or why it happend that I let a man do this to me for so many years.

Tanya

The same here. I went through it all as well with my first. I surly hope that if any one here is in this situation, that they understand that it wont change, it will only get worse. I almost lost my life from starvation cause every time i look at him, i wanted to throw up. when i have time, i will tell you all about it. it is not something i normally talk about, i have put that part of my life in my past, but if it will help any one here, then i will surly share.

omg menolly. No wonder your such a fighter.

Ha Lulu!!!

Ya wanna hear about my childhood too?

Steven King's got NOTHIN' on me!

Menolly the Invincible

oh menolly, :)
I am going to set down , when i can, and type mine out. I cant do it this week end, but will soon

Don't worry about posting the story, Lulu.

I've often thought of doing so. Well, a few details at least, but what stops me, is the fact that I'd have absolutely no control over who'd be reading it 6 months from now.

Sometimes, even though stories SHOULD be made public, other people might use for their advantage.

Do you know Lulu, I have the most amazing book 3/4 written, that talks about what HEALS people like me! For every study etc. would have predicted I should have become a drug addict, a criminal, a prostitute, alcoholic, suicide, SOME KIND OF STATISTIC. Bu, I've done ANY of that!

Do you know what heals most? Do you know what preserved me?

It is PEOPLE who cared. Not therapists or psychiatrists and such. In fact a good part of this book is about how much DAMAGE therapists can do!

No, it is ordinary people who heal the walking wounded! This book CELEBRATES those people, and anyone like them.

Ken has read part of this book's draft. He was absolutely blown away. I was very depressed when I sent it to him, and said I was gonna burn it, as well as all the documentation etc.. You should read the email I got back from Ken, IN ALLCAPS!

hehehehe... he SWORE at me, Lulu! HAHAHAHAHA

Ken's seen my scars. And loves me deeply BECAUSE I am a MAGNIFICENT WARRIOR.

And that happens to be the working title of the book. Maybe one day, it will get published.

This abused woman list, could well become "Appendix A" in it.

All My Love,
Menolly

I understand what you mean. I dont bleieve it is a good idea for me to go back in to my child hood. :) My story is nothing compared to some, all though it was still abuse. I dont normally share it with any one. There is 2 people, besides my momma that know my WHOLE life story. Softie is one, and kenneth. Gary does not lknow half of it.
My abuse from my first, i would like to share. It took me years to become comfortable with speaking about it. It took me a long time to understand, went through the stages of "why". What did i do that was so bad, i rember one time asking my ex this. I knew in the back of my mind that he was sick, bue as all, i thought the longer i stayed the better things would get and that eventually he would see that he needed help, i did not realize this till later in our marrige, i was to busy trying to "fix" what i thought i was doing wrong. he is part of the reason why i am hard headed, or more like dont take poop off any one. I was never like that before, I alwasy took from people, let them run all over me, if anything good came out of my ex and i, it was that. I no longer take it from people and i feel free to speak my mind. I can now stand up for whati believe in with out fear that some one might get mad or yell at me. :) Now i just yell back,,lol i am teasing.

Now see? You're still doing it.... hehehe...

Why are you giving HIM the credit? ("He's the reason"...)

The accolades belong to YOU, girl! Only to YOU!

ALL! ALL! ALL MY LOVE,
Menolly the Magnificent!

no, i only give him cerdit for making me a stronger woman, other wise, he is nothing and i am....lol

good idea, lulu... i will do the same.

I read part one and thought "nah, don't really fall into this"
part two "ok, still not seeing it"
part three "ding ding ding, we have a winner"
part four "more winners"

You don't have to fit every category to be one of the many who is abused...Just don't live silently...let someone know. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Momolly, thanks for these, they truly did come at the perfect time.

I also have been down this road. What a great post Menolly!!! It may help many in that horrible situation right now.

Lucrisid
Good deal. :) I will do mine tomorrow

Soul,

Yes, this list I would hope, shows that the answer to the question "Why do abused women stay?" is NOT answered in one simple, pat answer. It is a very convoluted conundrum.

A true friend will listen attentively to what THAT PARTICULAR WOMAN is living with, and what "philosophy" and what pressures, keep her there.

Too many dismiss a woman's decision to tough it out, as simply "She's a stupid doormat, who likes being abused." I've yet to meet a single woman who enjoys the abuse!

Soul, I will confess, I truly had YOU in mind as I was posting these. You are NOT a stupid doormat. But you Do have patterns of thought that COULD set you up for abuse.

Unless you have a friend like me, who has the temerity to tell you "Soul, YOU ARE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL HEART, who DESERVES to be with a man who will RESPECT YOU!"

Soul, you KNOW that Ken and I LOVE you, girl. ANY man who enters your life in the future, may well find out that he has to pass muster WITH US! And you KNOW that Daddy loves you best!

Now go forward girl, and find yourself a REAL man, and we will welcome him and love him also!

All Our Love,
Your Mom and Daddy!

i need to get new keyboard...this one is killing me- it would tke 5 dys...

Menolly,
Thank you for posting this. My mom was the one being abused and I admit that once I was grown up I did ask my mom why she stayed. Her answer fell into alot of the categories that you listed...one of her major ones was "people just didn't talk about it back then." I can only say that growing up in a household like that made me realize how strong a person my mom was....how hard she had it and still kept going because she had me and my brothers and sister to look out for...she also had the family members telling her to leave him all the time. I can still recall vividly running out that front door with my mom after my dad just got done hitting her, choking her, or just throwing whatever he could get his hands on. About a week later my dad would come and we would return home...just to wait for another cycle of this to happen. The devastating effects it had was with me for a long time and I was deathly afraid of my dad for a very long time. His physical abuse did include us. The night that I will always remember is when my dad was on the phone with my mom, she wasn't home yet, and he was mad! All I could hear as I was hiding behind my bedroom door was him yelling at her and then the words that would forever change my life "If you don't get home right now I am going to kill you."
Well, my mom never came home, she finally had enough. I was in first grade and to have my mom not come home was one of the most devastating things that could have happened to me. We lived with my dad for about a year... we had to sneak to see my mom...and yet my dad some how found out. It came to the point where my older sister ran away and then I knew I couldn't make it. I went to stay with an aunt and refused to come home. I think my dad finally realized what he had actually done to us kids. My mom got us back a year later....thanks to my uncle. This has had a lasting affect on me and my relationship with my dad. He finally admitted one day about 3 years ago...that my mom was a good woman and he didn't treat her right. This really hit home for me and I thank you again for posting it.
hugs,
Cindy

Lucid:

THANK YOU for this extremely honest and eloquent example about how wife abuse becomes a multi-generational problem!

All My Love,
Menolly

Menolly,
I've been off the computer for awhile and just read all your posts! I printed it out and will reread it often! Sometimes we don't even realize what we have gone through tell were out! I saw myself a couple times in your list! I also saw some friends and I will give them copies of this post. You are a Warrior and an inspiration to many!! ((hugs))

Thank you so much for posting this list. It hits home and I can relate to many of the points. I am so sorry about your baby! There were time in the past that I was scared for my newborn son... When my husband hit me while I was holding/breastfeeding my new baby or the times that he was driving very wreckless b/c we were fighting and the baby was in the car. I can relate, oh god, I can. Thank you so much. My question to you, do you think they can ever really change? My husband is in a lot of counseling and is talking like he really wants to break the cycle. He saw his dad hit his mom and then he hit me and he does not want our son to turn out like that. I have decided to stick by him but am really scared. Maybe you can PM me? Thank you very much.

Teardrop, I am going to answer you PUBLICLY, because it is a question that I know MANY women on the site are asking themselves. And asking ME, via PM's. I hope you don't mind.

Can these men change? I have seen some that have. I have also seen many that tried, but failed. Usually the first thing they MUST do, is quit drugs, booze and any other intoxicants, including even some LEGAL prescriptions! For all of these lower their inhibitions, make them forget their resolve to not abuse, and then give them an excuse if they do abuse. ("Oh, I was so drunk. It wasn't me.")

Some are TRULY HORRIFIED by something they did, especially if they get criminally charged and convicted for it. Sometimes that is enough to SHOCK them into realizing the rest of us do not live this way.

I'll tell you the PEOPLE (and I am including women here) who seem to HEAL from repeating these patterns in the next generation, are the ones who seemed to have some kind of epiphany as children or teenagers, and decide "I am NEVER gonna do this, when I grow up and have children!"

THAT resolve, made very early in life, is a very firm one! And every one of us who made that resolve, remembers clearly the incident and the day that led us to make that vow! I was 6 years old, on a subway train with my father, in Montreal, Canada, when I made that vow!

As for your husband, I cannot say. But I will say LISTEN TO YOUR BELLY, not your head, and not your heart! If you SENSE he's not being truthful, and if you SENSE danger for your child... LISTEN to your adrenaline! That doesn't deceive you, whereas you brain might, and your heart might.

All My Love,
Menolly

Thank you Menolly. You are very wise and I really appreciate all of your advice. I agree about them staying clean bc I know my husband only hit me when he was strung out on drugs. He would get in a rage and I know that he has to stay clean to make things work between us. I know he is serious about changing but I guess I will not know for sure until he gets out and shows me. Thank you very much!

I think they stay because they remember how he was in the beginning of their relationship and she's trying to get that back and she hoping one day he'll be that person again.

Normam

Yes, Normam- that was part of my thinking. I always thought that it was MY fault he had changed and that one day he would calm down and be the man I fell in love with. WRONG! Out of all the abusive relationships I have witnessd, not one abuser quit abusing. Maybe for days, weeks, months- but once that barruer is broken, it will never be good again.

Tanya

I was in a relationship with a guy he was everything I wanted in a guy but he changed and he wasn't the person I knew when I met him i have never been in that situation like that in my life till i met him and I didn't know what to do I fell hard for the guy and I thought I could change him I was wrong so now i'm afraid to be with any guy I can't trust them right now. I can't sleep I cry all the time I have nightmares but what sickens me is that I still love him alot but I don't want to ever be with him again or see him. :argh

Norman, good for you. I h ope your doing better and that all will come together as well for you

i read what u wrote and it brought tears to my eyes i am one of thpse woman u speak about i am young 19 but i have been with him for 3 years and we have two kids together and every day i wake up hating myself or letting my kids live in the sort of family they r living with it is so hard to pack up and go u want to so so bad but fear and love keep you there but thankyou so much for giving me soming very powerfull to think about
leanne x

it keeps playing in my mind some of the stuff and i would like to share it with u if u dont mmind
i tried to leave one when my son was 5 days old but he shot me in the face with a pettlet gun when i breast fed my son he used to hit me and nock my son of my breast he has sex with me when i dont want to and i am used as a punch bag for when he wants and i am so so ashamed of myself for living with this and i really really do want out but i am finding it so hard to go i want to but cant find the will power.
leanne x

http://www.bbc.co.uk/crime/support/domesticviolence.shtml

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

I don't know it works in England but maybe one of these site will be able to direct you on where you can get help. YOU DON"T HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY>...it will only get worse sweetie. PLEASE protect yourself and your children.

How can the Women's Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline help?
08457 023 468


If you, or someone you know, is experiencing (or has experienced) physical, emotional or sexual violence in the home, the Women's Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline can give you support, help and information over the telephone for the cost of a local call, wherever you are in the country.

The volunteers who take the calls are women who are trained to offer support, information and a listening ear to women suffering domestic violence and those seeking help on her behalf. They will discuss the options available to you and, where necessary, refer you on to a refuge, a local Women’s Aid group or other sources of help and information available nationally.

All calls are taken in the strictest confidence. The Helpline is open 24 hours a day. If callers cannot get through to the National Domestic Violence Helpline, there is a voicemail system in place which will redirect callers to other sources of help and information. If English is not your first language, our Language Line facility will put you in contact with an interpretor.

You can also contact your local refuge through the police, the Samaritans, the Citizens Advice Bureau and the social services. You will find these numbers in your local telephone directory.

You do not have to be in an emergency situation to contact the Women's Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline, 08457 023 468.


PLEASE CALL THIS NUMBER!!!!!

The first step is admitting there is a problem and I know it's hard to leave you have been with him for 3 years and have 2 babies together. It's only going to get worse and I am really concerned. Please call the above number. OK? Just ask them questions if you aren't ready yet. Find out if you have some choices.

Keep me posted

thankyou for iving me advice i am going to call the number and see what they say.
i will let u know!
leanne x

I know about this, and have lived it, and I think sometimes it's HARDER to leave. You know how hard it will be, how much they will call, threaten, or even finally snap and really really hurt you. It's like the saying I've heard - "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"

But it is different if the abuser keeps coming to your home and he doesn't live there.
I have called cops on 3 different occassions to remove him to no avail. I finally had to put him in jail for hitting me in the eye. I felt it coming for days. When he gets out, he will try to come here again. I have restraining order good for 1 year. But will that stop him?? He lays that I Love You on me, but I tell him I hate him. I can't get rid of him! Help! Any suggestions? I will "not" let him near me now.

Originally posted by leighaa
i read what u wrote and it brought tears to my eyes i am one of thpse woman u speak about i am young 19 but i have been with him for 3 years and we have two kids together and every day i wake up hating myself or letting my kids live in the sort of family they r living with it is so hard to pack up and go u want to so so bad but fear and love keep you there but thankyou so much for giving me soming very powerfull to think about
leanne x I hope you are gone from there by the time you read this. Do not put yourself thru any more misery. It gets easier once you go, one day at a time.

I came across this particular thread after looking for resources on the forum topic. While I do not neccesarily have a loved one incarcerated, this thread really hit home with what a very dear friend of mine is going through. It nearly brought tears to my eyes to read all 4 posts at work realizing that he is playing her on all 24 items on that list.

I have tried to be a friend for her, somebody to talk to and somebody to vent at when she gets frustrated, that was taken away recently when her husband decided I could no longer "contact" her and threatened stalking and harassment charges against me. I am no longer really sure how to help her as he reads her e-mail, logs on to her messenger, has spyware running keylogging what she types and doing screen captures and makes her have a webcam on when he is at qwork so he can watch what she is doing (so i cannot call either). We can no longer communicate and has suceeded in isolating her from anybody.

I don't know what I can do anymore, it is hard to be supportive of somebody that can nearly impossibly contact you.

He is trying to isolate her. I am afriad till she decides to leave, all you can do is be there when she does reach you

welcome to pto

This is an email I sent to the DV Coordinator of cfiowa.org asking for advice on the situation. I have yet to hear back but it has only been a few hours. Peronal info, names and specific locations removed.









Actually, I need help understanding the laws regarding privacy of phone conversations and electronic communications in the state of Iowa. Such as whether or not he is allowed to log in and read her e-mail, listen in on phone conversations when I talk to her, impersonate her by logging into her instant messaging programs and etc. I was caught telling her that I loved her in a game she was playing, because he was running key logging/screen capture spy ware on her computer. I feel it was a violation of mine and her privacy and something he had no right to be doing, but I do not know if what he has done is illegal in the state of Iowa or even violates federal law.

I also need help understanding the laws surrounding domestic violence, no contact orders, police involvement, victim rights, and legal aid for her. What all a shelter can help her with, what steps can be taken should she decide to leave with her kids and come to a shelter, to what scope she can be helped, and the likelihood of being able to retain custody of her children. Part of the largest reason she hasn't left is because she is scared to death she will lose her children.

I can no longer communicate with her because I have been completely cut off by him, with the rare exception of me being contacted by her outside of her home when she is able to get out, I need to know what I can do to help, to be able to present her with information in the rare opportunities I can communicate with her now.

I have been told that "we can't help if she doesn't call". I am in a position to be able to help, and to be able to tell her what rights she has or doesn't have, what the laws are and am able to pass information I obtain along to her.

I am starting to find that although advice is given to me to be supportive of her and be a friend, a friend does not sit by and say "I am sorry you are going through this, I hope it gets better". I have never been one to sit by and give sympathy and not try to help a situation if I can.

Any information you can provide would be greatly helpful, or if all of the above I can be given resources for would be even far better.

It is amazing though in this state that if child abuse is involved, the police jump all over it, if wife beating is involved they won't touch it unless she presses charges. And somebody that is on the street decides to beat the crap out of some random person, gets to spend more time in jail than somebody that beats their wife to the same degree.

Some of what I have found since I moved out here was that typical DV cases, the abuser gets maybe 6 months or so in jail, for the same aggravated assault on a random person, they spend far more time in jail.

It is also my understanding that if she were to leave him and be gone for 10 years, that she still has no grounds for divorce in this state, that legal separation does not exist in Iowa.

I am originally from Maryland, domestic violence is not something that happens a lot (that I have heard alot about, in the many years I had lived there) as ideals and living standards are different on the east coast. The typical family consists of 2 working adults and the kids go off to the babysitter when the parents aren't home. In rare extremes that domestic violence is involved, it is typically severe and involving a weapon.

The standard for what I have seen in this state typically involves the husband being the only one working and the wife stays home, takes care of the children and does absolutely everything else in the household. Which leaves him in power and he thinks he has the right to wield that power because he controls the money.

I have read that DV happens in all walks, all income levels and all ethnic groups, but I think the above described is where it happens most.

The children are living in a hostile environment; there are holes in the walls all throughout the house by either his fists or throwing things at her. He frequently rapes her, has hit her multiple times in front of the children and several months ago tried to push her out of a vehicle moving a high rate of speed in front of the kids.

I would appreciate any advice or help you could provide with this situation. As I am out of options to try and help her anymore.

My mother was married to a violent man, and the first 3-4 years of my life I was exposed to it, I am 27 now and certain things still effect me to this day. I am not sure how this is a healthy environment for her children to be in. The list goes on and on what he has done, does and is doing to her, he is a textbook abuser and not one thing I have found on DV has not applied to him.

Thank you for any help you can provide,

*My personal info removed from here*

P.S. I wish my personal info to be kept confidential and only be given out on an as needed basis. I am sure you can understand the seriousness of the situation and I will trust your discretion.

My friend's name and address are:

*My friends personal info removed from here*

*Her husband's name and children's names removed from here*

Her son attends (edited) Middle school (I think that is the name) on (Street name omitted) and I am unsure of where her daughter attends, I believe it is (location omitted)

P.S.S (name omitted), his father, is a Sergeant with the (City name omitted) PD and has been on the force for 30 years. He is aware of at least some, if not all of what goes on in that house, and can possibly try to intervene if a call comes under either name, namely downplay the situation and leave her in possibly greater danger if she called 911.

Please do not send materials to her house if he finds them he may even become more violent.

I still haven't heard back. I give up. It's obvious there is alot about life I still have to learn. I guess sometimes the only way to help is not at all.

Hi Menolly

I have been in domestic violent situation and Yes, it's been very hard for me to leave the person I was with, until his mother got involved and let me know the real deal about the last relationship he was in. All the time we were together, he told me that his last girlfriend would try to break us up, and I believe that, but when I talked to her, she told me things that he put her through that was yet to come for me.

After of only being with him for one month, that's when the hitting started. He punched me like I was a man, I should of knew then to leave his crazy behind alone. Wanting to have someone in my life, I wasn't trying to leave. As the days went by the beatings got worse, the accusations got more bizarre, and the days and nights seem longer. I done had a busted lip, a swollen chick, and crippled for two months where I had to walk with a cane and until this day during the winter months I feel that pain.

After awhile I couldn't take it no more and left with his mother's help. Now a man can't just tell me anything and think it will get him over. I've learned to appreciate being by myself and don't rush wanting to be in a relationship.

Now I have a good friend that we're both taking our time being friends first. It's been seven months since I've even got a chance to set eyes on him or talk to him.

Sometimes its not going back to your childhood but your childhood finally catching you, When things are so bad you blot them out till something triggers the memories, and the pain starts all over again, how do you heal, I wish I could know the answer to that

I am or wasa abused wife, I can say I stayed for my kids. I didn't want to see them without a father in their lives. I also stayed because of low self-esteem and the fear of being alone. I had it pounded into my head I was usless fat and ulgy and noone would want me. Alot of women stay because they are dependent on the abuser. I have broke my chain and I am better off with out him. I have regained my self esteem and confidence. I am a beautiful woman and person.

Well im 24 I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years (of hell) I have three kids two witch are his.And i want to leave but it's so hard to me.He tells me all the time his not scaryed to go back to jail The cops come and do nothin But i know i have to leave My father pasted away and he told me stop being a baby when i was cryin.Got mad becoues i wanted to go to his funeal.and that really showed me he doen't love me:( Well Bye

Melissaaunt,
So sorry about your dad. I lost my mom when I was 28. Very hard times.

What you wrote about the funeral, oh my god, that is horrible. You're right, he doesn't love you. Sorry to say. I hope you find a way to get away from this so-
called-boyfriend .You do need to leave. New years resolution?

Menolly,
Love that you wrote this:

"She BUYS INTO THE MYTHS ABOUT "ONE TRUE LOVE" and "soulmates."

Even women who have -not- been abused buy into this myth...and stay when it's long overdue time to leave.

Your thread is amazing. You should write a book!!!

Hi everyone :)

I guess I am a few months late on posting a reply, it seems the topic hasn't been replied to in a while. Nonetheless, I still wanted to shae my opinion on why women stay. Well, at least why this woman stayed. I was in an abusive relationship for two years, which isn't long compared to some, but long enough for me. When I met him, he was sweet and charming and funny and brought me gifts and showed me enormous amounts of attention. Which I thought I was wonderful. However, after we moved in together things immediately changed and the positive attention turned into jealousy, possessiveness, and control. I sent my daughter to stay with my mother while I tried to work things out. Regardless of what I was dealing with, I wouldn't let my child be subjected to witnessing the abuse.
I had family and friends that were very supportive and begged me to leave. I had my own income and my own car, so I wasn't financially dependant on him. I hated him and loved him at the same time. He grew up in a messed up home with an abusive father and a crack head mother and eventually went to live with his grandmother who was an abusive drunk. He also suffered from manic depression and sometimes I wonder if he was schizophrenic. He would swear up and down that people were talking about him EVERYWHERE we went. He was antisocial in public places and hated all my friends.
But the reason I stayed was because I felt sorry for him. I wanted to help him so badly. It took two years of being beaten, sliced with knives, and held at gunpoint for me to be able to say I couldn't help him and I was ruining MY life in the meantime. We argued one night and I flipped out and told him he had to leave. I threw all his stuff out the apartment and told him to get out. He left and I only saw him a handfull of times afterwards. When I was finally fed up with the abuse it was easier than I thought to tell him to get moving.
When I look back on the situation now, I have no regrets. If I could go back and change things I wouldn't. It was a learning experience that was necessary for me to have had. It has helped me become who I am today. To be honest, I think if I ever ran into him somewhere, I would say thank you...

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. I have 3 children from this man ( biologically) Of course I seen all the Lifetime TV movies but never thought it would get "that bad". I was wrong almost litterally "dead" wrong . He stabbed me in Nov of 2001 while my 14 month old son watched. Approx 20 times with a screwdriver. I am lucky to be alive. I stayed for the same reasons most other women do, DEFINALTY not LOVE, but fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of not being able to survive financially, fear of starting over. He is now in prison, definatlt not making things any easier on me tho, he still writes and harrasses me, threatens etc. But I now that all my fears, the fears that made me stay. I was sooooo wrong. I can make it on my owna nd have been for 2 1/2 years with my kids. I am so much happier, yes of course its a struggle. But I am happier having NOTHING then i was when i had the "cars, house, boats etc" Much happier. I have met the most incredible man. He is sooo much more then i have ever dreamed possible and treats the kids and I wonderful. I just pray other women in an abusive relationship see the truth befori ts too late. YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN, YUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF YOUR KIDS ARE FAR MORE IMPORTANT THEN ANY MATERIAL BS. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

just thought i would let u all know he is now left me after geting me pregant for the third ime i am now 5 months gone and on my on but i is better that fearing or my kids lifes and my own

leighaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my heart truely goes out to you!!!!!!!!

plz pm me antime you need someone, or just want to talk about your day=}

do you have a restraining order, he may come after you...also, will you be able to relocate, or considered it...here in southern california there is gov't help to relocate...

you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers!!!
francis

"WHY DO ABUSED WOMEN STAY?" (conclusion)

Obviously, I could go on, but this (2 dozen point) list probably seems much to long and boring to all of you, already, especially if you feel abuse is not touching YOUR life, or that of anyone you know.

BUT, TO HER, THE ABUSED WOMAN, I'LL BET THE LIST ISN'T LONG ENOUGH!

TO YOU, MY SWEET GIRL READING THIS, I say print this list off, tick off all the points that apply in your case, and MARCH straight over to your mother, your best friend, your boss, anyone who will listen, and tell them "This is what I am living with!" If you've chosen this person wisely, they WILL help you.

To everyone else, I guess my very long-winded point is this.

It is too easy for us, who are not in her situation, to quickly blurt out (or type out) "Kick him out into the rhubarb!" This is not enough. She already knows she has to do that. She is getting tripped up by "How?" "When?" "I can't because..."

We, her friends, need to answer over and over, and in great detail, all her hows, whens and yes, you cans. We, her friends need to realize that for her, the abusive situation will not be resolved in five minutes. It might take months, and even years, and that will be very LONG and scary time for her.

We, her friends, need to COMMIT our friendship for the long haul, and do tangible things like open our homes, wallets, telephone lines etc. to her, for the long haul.

Can you be such a supportive friend? I believe I can, with perhaps an occasional lapse/mistake or two along the way.

B*****, CALL ME, HON!

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE IN THIS SITUATION, hit your "print" button now. And go give the list to her, now. Then make time to talk with her. Please!


All My Love,
Menolly
Hi Menolly,

just been reading your input on why women stay in abusive relationships, and wholeheartedly agree with you on the reasons you have given.I think one of the key factors is the 'grooming' that takes place often long before the abuse starts (pretty much how the peodophile grooms the child - to guarentee the childs cooperation), and that we are often quite unaware of this grooming, quite unaware of the control these men have upon us, and its only when we turn around to find that most of the friends we had before have now dissappeared - that we suddenly realise how dependant we have become, and how vulnerable we are.

I am a teacher, Holistic therapist/Life Coach/Counsellor and speaker, and a survivor of domestic violence (and like many others are lucky to be here to tell the tale), and i became so angry at the attitude of our 'blessed' female companions who would speak about abused women as if they were of lesser intelligence because of the fact that they presumed they 'allowed' the abuse to happen!

So like you, i am also in the throws of writing a book that helps women to not only survive domestic violence,but also survive the court process, and practice empowering life coaching techniques to become stronger for it.

I wondered if i could have your permission to include your input on 'reasons why abused women stay with violent men', as i think it would be really effective to raise the profile of Domestic violence associations over here.

I look forwrd to your reply,

Serene x:)

Most of the time a woman stays is because she thinks her man will change-not. And they the ABUSERS put up a good front. I was married 2 years on Valentine's Day this year, and I am moving on to bigger and better things. I am not going to let him destroy my life anymore. I am lucky as he is in S.C. and I am in N.M. Anyway alot of women are not able to leave and most that do, go back for more abuse. And you have others who are dead because they couldn't escape. I just want others to realize that Domestic Violence is very serious...

I cannot find this list! Can you tell me where it is?

I was abused wife but I was only that when my husband was using Crack Cocaine, I was really feared for my life whenever I knew he was using the first time it happen was when I was 4 months pregnant with our son. He was using all day (I didnt know that) and he wouldnt go to bed at all and he kept giving me this look that just frighten me and He was getting up into my face and everything. He even took all of the phones so I couldnt call anyone for help or so on. That night he didnt hit me or slap me but I knew if I said anything that I would of gotten hurt by him. It was more verbal abuse with my husband & I then physically abused. But verbal abused is just like physical abused. I could of lefted anytime but you know I always thought I could change him when he got like that whenever he was on the drugs,,,becuase when i met him he wasnt like that at all and we have been together for 4 years and married for 1 year 9 months and it wasnt till he started doing crack that he turned into a monster...I feel like a abused wife or gf or mother of any kinds of abused for ever reason we think that we can changed that person or that they wont do it again,,,,thats why we stay or thats why i did...but things with me and my hubby now are fine he is off crack and is the man i fell in love with minus the usage of crack

I have been in a abusive relationship myself. It didnt start that way. I think looking back now he was mentally abusive more then physical and that is why I stayed. He first took my strength and self worth and then started beating the crap out of me. He harrassed me at work and I lost my job. I was prego and had no place to go. Eventually he had me so down I thought there was no way out. Most who know me cant believe that as strong as I am I ever put up with it. But they have their ways of sucking you in and making you believe that they are all you will ever have. Inside I felt sorry for him less then myself. He had me convinced it was me making him do it.
I eventually got out much sooner then alot of woman have and I got the restraining order, which only works for one if they afraid to go to jail and two if the police can actually catch them violating it.
My story has a happier ending then most. He is not abusing his current girlfriend and took anger management by order of the courts in order to see our son. He has a problem still with communication son but he is completely different and helps raise his child with me but apart, there is no way I would have stayed even after he made his turn around. I think most men abuse bc they have their own self esteem issues. He definatly had his share.
The only thing I can say is the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. And the more mentally strained you become. They abuse in stages, first they take your strength and then they take the very woman you tried so hard to become. I hope anyone in this situation will find away out. They have shelters in our area that help woman escape and hide from their abusers but you have to go through the police department bc they are hidden. God bless anyone enduring such pain. Love ya Angie

I use to work with abused women (I have a masters degree in Social Work). It's hard to believe but abused women leave their abuser an average of 4 times before they leave for good. The best thing to do with an abused woman is to be supportive of their plight. They ususally feel "bad" for the man. Even though their self-esteem is in the dust (in most instances) they don't want to "hurt" the man. They feel bad if they leave him alone because, in some cases, he plays the fact that everyone in his life has left or betrayed him.

All these things are so true! I do feel sorry for my husband and want to help him, even though his behavior is horrible. I do hate him and love him at the same time! I want him to leave but I want him to stay! I do think that if I just hang in there he will change. He does have some strange kind of control over me, even when I am furious with him all he has to do is say and do the right things and I am over it instantly. I feel unable to leave the situation. It just seems like too much work, too much of a hassle, etc. It is easier to stay and hope that he will be the one to go or it will all work itself out somehow. That's the one thing I am seeing about all this, people who are on the outside tell you to leave but they do not understand how difficult and nearly impossible this is to do. My husband has not been physical, just verbal and mentally abusive but that is bad enough. At least so far I have not bought into his accusations that things he does are my fault. I can see right through that. I wish he could be the man that I love all of the time but he is not. The 'other' side of him is evil and scary, but it comes and goes, just as the man that I love personality comes and goes. It's hard to understand that he is really both of these people. I told him last night that he had the devil in him cause that's what it seems like. Well..I will keep reading these threads hoping to find some answers to my dilemma.

We have really great judges in our city regarding domestic violence in the presence of children. The offender is charged with a misdemeanor (sic?) only, but, it is enough to get social services involved and monitoring the situation and giving the abused person (yes, men are also abused!) some info about their options. Isolation is the worst enemy of an abused person, for, with no input from friends and family the abused person begins to believe all the things the abuser tells them about themselves and their chances of "making it without them". I can look back on the abusive marriage I was involved in and I know that only God got me out of there alive. Yet, I also remember how very hard it was for me to make that final decision to leave and not go back again. I loved him yet I hated him for the physical and emotional pain he inflicted upon me. And yes, he was always so sorry after he calmed down and once again I would put aside everything thinking that maybe this time he really would never do it again. Then the last year, he actually was not even sorry, just kept telling me over and over again how I deserved and that I was lucky he had not hurt me more than he did. The only regret I have is that I believed my options were so limited that I didn't have the courage to leave sooner.

Peace...Praizewarrior...I thank GOD that you had the strength to get out when you did. You did it on your time. Years ago, I worked in a shelter for abused women and I heard the stories. Your words about loving him but not liking the abuse are priceless and capsulizes much of the scenario. One has to believe that one has the right to be in a healthy relationship. That is what GOD said. One also has to have the resources to move on which is real for many. I have met some who left after the first hit and never turned back while others took more time and yet others remain. Where are you going to live is real; where are you and the children going to live and how will you support yourself and family are legitimate questions for the abused. We live in a violent society starting at the top. It has gotten to the place where violence represents the norm. Heard women say that they were told by their religious leader "well, that is your husband.." One woman shared that with that she knew not only did she need to leave her spouse but had to find another church. Good for her and for all those who have made that decision. I do believe that we have to teach our daughters to love self, not in a selfish way which puts the family second, but in a healthy way. We need to teach our sons the same. I have always felt that GOD create something good when he created me and I deserve to be treated in loving ways. My Beloved is physically stronger that me and could literally knock me out. He knows that he has but one time and I am Done. Back to you. When you are doing the right thing doors opened. You did the absolute right thing by removing yourself from an abusive space. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. That is where peaceful waters should always flow. Find your suport or make one. Stay busy even if that means you obtain a part time job. When and if you get wek in the knees, use a toy! Stay connected to the children, if you have children. Pray and Pray some more. I am proud of what you did. Saty strong. Blessings...

i think some r scared of starting over. alot of reasons really

Why do abused women stay in abusive relationships? Hmmm... Isn't that a question(?).

I appluad you for taking the time to address this, to post your post. Bless you!

As a woman of God, I would like to start by commenting on the 'Religious- Reasons' section of your post: It is a sad day :( when many MISQUOTE the Bible in such a way to justify and fuel abuse! The Bible, as with any aspect of living, is subject to abuse ... misuse. The Bible says: O ye simple, understand wisdom: and, ye fools, be ye of an UNDERSTANDING heart. Proverbs 8:5 (KJV).

The Bible does say "What God has joined together let no man put us under." News flash!!! "Not all marriages are put together by God:" If one does not live for God, one cannot reap the Blessings, other than grace & mercy, of God's Word---The Bible is an instructional manual for Christians (real Christians, there are many fake Christians). You can't expect to be living for the world, without Christ, and expect to claim the blessings outlined in his Word, the Bible. So there are many marriages joined in without the knowledge and approval of God that are not marriages in the eyes of God. God would NOT put a woman, anyone, with an abusive person.

Salvation is available every day, so thank God for that.

Physical abuse and adultery are not tolerated by God, and if an individual, living for God so chooses to leave a spouse guilty of said behaviors, he/she is free to do so with God's blessing. God is love, 1 John 4 KJV

Many people use the man is the "Head" reasoning for justification of a man abusing, mistreating his wife. That is another of many misinterpreted quotes from the Bible! 'Head' , in the eyes of God, means that a Real Man will protect his wife, his family as Christ so loved the church, EPHESIANS 5:25:

What did Christ do for the church (us)? he gave himself, his life, to protect us, save us. He made our lives easier. A man is to love his wife in the same way. God gave man the responsibility of the HEAD position because women are precious as flowers, meant to be protected, to feel secure in knowing that she is safe because her Husband is "guarding the gates" not beating her within the gates.

As to why women stay(?): As you pointed out, there are many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships, but the primary reason for anyone who allows him/herself to be abused is LOW- SELF-WORTH. If one does not love one's self, one will feel deserving of abuse. Real love starts from within. If you love yourself, you will accept nothing less than Real Love---Peace and security in dealing with others. Low-self-worth is given birth in many avenues in life, e.g., poor upbringing; abandonment; physical, emotional abuse; society's perpetuations of who we should be, etc.

A person in an abusive situation can only be saved when they are ready. I've found that many women who leave abusive relationships because of friends and family, and not because they want to, usually end up with another abusive man ... because oftentimes the problem is more with the person than the abuser. This is not to justify abuse, NO AT ALL!, this is simply to say that people can only do to us what we ALLOW them to do. For example: the first time I allow myself to be disrespected, it is likely to happen again because I am telling the perpetrator that it's ok, an in tern, a habit is formed, a level of comfort in disrespecting me. There are positive, none abusive ways to reject abusive people and situations: talk to the person about it, tell them that it won't be tolerated; seek conuseling, help; if necessary, walk away--sometimes it will be temporary, sometimes for good.

:thumbsup: Always remember: We hold the key to what we get in life more than the people outside of us.

Having people who truly understand life, who love us unconditionally, who are able to give us light in darkness, be our eyes when we can't see, are what these women, and men too (men are abused too), need to start seeing themselves as candidates for real love: peace, happiness, and security. Sad reality is, people offering said love is very rare, but they do exist, and I am one of them :) .

TO THE MEN WHO FEEL THE NEED TO ABUSE WOMEN: You have issues of LOW-SELF-WORTH when you derive peace and comfort in abusing, whether it's the abuse of women, children, or anybody. I have no doubt that many of you truly love your women, but your need to beat them, the emotional abuse is really indicative of your need for control, something IN YOU that's incomplete. Many of you are crying out for love but in a very destructive way; maybe you were abused as a child, maybe you never felt love, and feel that beating that woman will keep her with you. There are so many reasons why you do what you do, but it is still wrong. Many of you have lost your wives, families, because of your inability to control your anger, and you've probably gone on to abuse another woman/women. Abusers, I say in love: What's in you is bigger than you, God really loves you, he will forgive you, heal you, but you have to call on him, ask for forgiveness, ask for help: he is right there for you. God loves you, but hates what you do.

If you want to make a change, any of you reading this--abusers, abusees, anyone--call on Jesus, but only if you believe he can change you, save you from you.

It as simple as this, speak these words, but ONLY if you want help, only if you mean it:

"Dear Lord, I confess myself as a sinner, I've tried to live my life the best I know how, and it's not working. Lord I can't do this alone; I welcome your forgiveness, your peace, your love, come into my heart lord, fill me with your spirit, in the name of your son Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for my sins, I receive this. Amen"

With that prayer, as simple as it seems, you've taken a monumental step: Your life is anew. Pray for God to lead you to the right church, the right people. But, for now, know that you are forgiven, despite what anybody says. Get into the Bible, find out who you are, what God has for you. Walking with God is a process, you won't change over night, God simply needs to see you trying..focus on God! Read your Bible, and pray, pray, pray. Prayer changes things. When you pray, end the prayer by saying in JESUS NAME.

I am here for you, as well, any of you :), so feel free to drop me a line, a request for prayer, present me with questions, whatever. I'm here. Love you in the Lord! ****{excuse any typos, I type pretty fast}}}

I leave you with:

Therefore if any man (or woman) be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2corinthians 5:17 KJV

Sincerely,
Serra, DaughterOfGod:thumbsup:

"WHY DO ABUSED WOMEN STAY?" (Part one of four)

I actually wrote this a couple years ago, on another website, but since we have been talking here at PTO about the Clara Harris murder case, I promised someone I'd post these here. Perhaps they will be useful to someone!

All My Love,
Menolly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It has come to my attention that a well-loved woman on this website is an abused wife, dealing moment by moment with her hubby's moods and wrath.

To most people, the answer to such a situation is simple: LEAVE HIM, NOW! Yet she stays.

So, my point to all of you, is "Why does she stay?" And my question to all of you is "Is there anything her friends, including us site members, can do for her before we lose her?"

TO THE GENTLE MEN on this board, don't stop reading because you feel "Ah, this is oneof them feminist trips!"

THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM TOO!

Because any abusive man smears YOUR reputation also, and makes all women hesitant to trust YOU. Besides, one day, this might be your sister, or your daughter we're talking about. So you have a role to play also, in addition to the one you are already playing (that of showing us how a REAL man treats a woman!).

Forgive me in advance, for the length of these postings. It is a BIG topic. Besides, I wanted to send it to her personally, but I am not convinced that "HE" doesn't read her email, and would erupt AT HER, over my words.

# 1) She DOESN'T KNOW SHE IS ABUSED. Perhaps her childhood was filled with violence, and she truly believes that theirs is a normal relationship. Perhaps she believes his calculatedly rare kindnesses are proof that he does love her. Her friends need to tell her in no uncertain terms, that his is not acceptable behavior, not even from a stranger, much less a husband, and that it certainly is not love.

# 2) She's been SYSTEMATICALLY BRAINWASHED BY HIM, OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, INTO BELIEVING IT IS HER FAULT, AND SHE DESERVES IT. She is constantly telling herself "If only I hadn't burnt his bacon. Or mentioned my objection and hurt at what he said, or did. If only I'd done, as he told me to. If only I'd not lost the receipt for the milk I bought, or forgot to pick up his drycleaning." Her friends need to tell her clearly that a real man does NOT go volcanic over such puny irritations. Nor do REAL men issue such orders and demands. They pick up their own stuff, and run their own errands, and regard it as a favour if a woman does it for them. Such minor details do not result in forced orders, or force if they're not carried out.

# 3) She's WAITING FOR "THE RIGHT TIME" TO LEAVE HIM. She is telling herself "As soon as the toddlers are in school full-time. As soon as I find a job. Once this illness is over. When the bills get paid off." Her friends need to tell her that "Now is The Right Time!", because when that imagined "right time" comes, she will have decided on a new deadline, or he'll have created some new roadblock.

# 4) Her RELIGIOUS/MORAL BELIEFS MAKE HER BELIEVE SHE MUST STAY AND ENDURE. You know the "what God hath joined together" type quotes. Friends might point out Bible passages that say God created you to be his helpmate, not his punching bag.

# 5) Her FAMILY/FRIENDS INSIST OR SUGGEST, SHE SHOULD STAY, sometimes for their own reasons. "Don't bring shame to our family. You made your bed, now lay in it. I told you not to marry him, so don't come crying to me now. Your son needs a Daddy." Or they may be recommending things that will prolong the agony, and probably won't work anyway. "Get marriage counselling. Tell him how you feel, and insist he does things differently" etc. Mistake or not, she needs to be ALLOWED to correct it, and friends and family need to be on her side.

# 6) HE'S TIED HER UP FINANCIALLY. Perhaps he controls the money and bank account. Or the bills are so high, and she fears they'll be split 50/50, and she's stuck with them (including mortgages). Her credit rating is shot. Friends need to go to credit counselling with her, or help her save up money secretly if necessarily. They may even have to be willing to open up their own wallets, lend her credit cards etc. to get out.

I too have been an abused woman. Luckily i got out alive... Some women arent so lucky! :( Abuse isnt just physical, it can be mental also. I have a friend who was both physically and mentally abused at the same time that i was. We're both the same age and have the same amount of kids who are the same ages. Weird enough, even our partners were the same age. With the grace of God i was able to muster up the strength to get out of the abusive relationship. That was 5 years ago! Unfortunately my friend is still in her abusive relationship. :( I pray that one day she too will be able to gather the strength and leave! She had left him once, 2 years ago, but went back because he said... promised that he would change! They always do. no sooner had she went back the abuse started all over again. :( I hope and pray that she will find the courage to say enough is enough and will leave his sorry a**! Until then i have to sit and watch as he tears apart such a loving person and mother.

I know all about the shame... I felt so embarrassed that it was happeneing to me because i was always renouned for my physical strength. I'm built like a brick s**t house. When people asked me about my bruises, i used to tell them that i was aneamic. Even when i had a broken nose... i said that i tripped up and banged it on the staris, when in reality i was being used as a human punching bag.

Women... if you are being abused, i really hope that you got some good advice from this thread, and can find the strength withing to get out and be treated like a human being that you are. You are worth everything... you are somebody. Dont let anybody tewll you any different!

Retired-4... this was a brilliant and poerful thread. You hit the nail on the head on how abused women are feeling and what the reality really is.

Simply put: Amen, Chinikfb!

It has been my experience that women tend to give more under stress, and men tend to give less. It's simply how we are 'wired': differently. Men deal with stress by shutting down, thinking, and coming back with a solution. Women tend to heal, come to a solution as they talk. Letting a man know he is loved, and, in a nonthreatening way, telling him how you feel, and allowing him to meditate on it and get back to you, in his timing, goes a long way.

Maybe he won't shut down, but if he does, let him; don't force him to open up, this is very dangerous:( : Oftentimes, a man loves his mate dearly, has no desire to hurt her, yet he keeps on doing it. Why? Because he has no idea as to how to stop it. Many women know there men love them, which is why they sacrifice all that they are, there happiness, their lives for their men and stay--it's simply a woman's nature; however, women you must love yourselves more than him when it comes to abuse. When you allow him to disrespect you, you are telling him that it's ok; you are fueling the madness. In many cases, he has lost control, can't control his anger/madness; therefore, when you accept it, oftentimes as a symbol of love for him, you give him little room to seek help (if he really wants it)---anything done consitently becomes a HABIT, AUTOMATIC--Beating his woman becomes a way of life. Leaving can be temporary sometimes; leaving is not always a sign that it is over.

My exhusband beat me ONE time:mad: , years ago, and I had no person to turn to, a little one, no money, but I had God ... all I needed. Going through abuse without the peace and security of God is what keeps many women in the bondage of abuse. I can honestly say, God's love for me, enabled me to love myself and my child more than the spirit of abuse and anger driving my exhusband. I refused to allow my child to associate a fist with love: I desire more for her:) . God has taught me how to love myself and to accept nothing less than love, peace, and security in a man. That's what worked for me. With God all things are possible, without him, everyday, is a borrowed day ... with him, everyday is a blessed day :) .


Much Love,

Serra, DaughterofGod



Peace...Praizewarrior...I thank GOD that you had the strength to get out when you did. You did it on your time. Years ago, I worked in a shelter for abused women and I heard the stories. Your words about loving him but not liking the abuse are priceless and capsulizes much of the scenario. One has to believe that one has the right to be in a healthy relationship. That is what GOD said. One also has to have the resources to move on which is real for many. I have met some who left after the first hit and never turned back while others took more time and yet others remain. Where are you going to live is real; where are you and the children going to live and how will you support yourself and family are legitimate questions for the abused. We live in a violent society starting at the top. It has gotten to the place where violence represents the norm. Heard women say that they were told by their religious leader "well, that is your husband.." One woman shared that with that she knew not only did she need to leave her spouse but had to find another church. Good for her and for all those who have made that decision. I do believe that we have to teach our daughters to love self, not in a selfish way which puts the family second, but in a healthy way. We need to teach our sons the same. I have always felt that GOD create something good when he created me and I deserve to be treated in loving ways. My Beloved is physically stronger that me and could literally knock me out. He knows that he has but one time and I am Done. Back to you. When you are doing the right thing doors opened. You did the absolute right thing by removing yourself from an abusive space. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. That is where peaceful waters should always flow. Find your suport or make one. Stay busy even if that means you obtain a part time job. When and if you get wek in the knees, use a toy! Stay connected to the children, if you have children. Pray and Pray some more. I am proud of what you did. Saty strong. Blessings...

I too, was an abused wife. My exhusband did because his father did it and so forth. His one brother was also a wife better. The other two look like they broke their cycle. My exhusband had such a bad, bad temper. He would beat me for anything. If some chick turned him down for sex, advances well it was my fault. If he's dinner wasn't just right it was my fault. You know the funny thing is he used to beat me for smoking cigarettes and now he smokes. It took me almost nine years to leave it all behind me finally. I would run home to mom and dad and I would always go back. "because I loved him" and to be honest it was part of my sickness. That is something that I learned in therapy. See my brother used to beat me. So that is why I married a beater. I was also so afaird to leave. I mean my God I had a baby and who was going to take care of us. He had me so brain washed that I thought I would lose my child to this manic. One day. My son was forgotten at school. He was suppose to pick Tim up and was drunk and forgot. I went to the school to get him and my exwas already steamed up. Tim called me later that day (He was just in first grade) scared todeath of his dad. I knew that this would be the last time. He said that his dad was yelling at him and that he said that "your mom is going to get her ass kicked when she gets home for leaving you here with me, knowing I have to work tonight and I need my sleep" Tim was frightend. I prayed and prayed (See I had been praying for two years) Finally God got tired of my prayers and ME NOT LISTENING TO THE ANSWER that HE took care of it in his own way. To make a long story short when I got home that night my ex was pasted out. I quitely got Tim and loaded my car with mine and Tim's stuff and we left. We went to an AA meeting and my ex showed up and yada yada yada. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him remember last night. Remember the shower. Next time I won't just swing the bat at your legs. Next Time the bat goes to your head, because this TIME YOU ABUSED THE WRONG PERSON. OUR SON, I told him to leave the apartment and never come back. GOD gave the strenght. GOD WAS AND IS MY BACK BONE THEN and now going through my "prison with my new husband" Ladies no one, and I mean no one deserves to get abused. Love to all Jeanne

Jeanne said: "Finally God got tired of my prayers and ME NOT LISTENING TO THE ANSWER.."

Jeanne, Praise God! for the above quote! In reading your post, BEFORE you said the above, I was like please don't say that God didn't answer your prayers, failed you (I've heard people blame God for the madness in their lives too many times). You acknowledged what many simply don't get: God hears our prayers and answers them; problem is, many of us don't like the answers. Many want God to make it all better, the way they want it done, but God's way is often painful because oftentimes his solution to the problem requires strength and pain (pain from doing what we fear can't be done, in this case leave). Many abused women tend to make the abusers their Gods because of the level of fear and worship they offer to these men. One poster said, in her ordeal, "It's truly like he has a devil."--Sister, whether you know it or not, there is reality in that statement:


"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places, Ephesians 6:12, KJV."

Complex issue to get into here, but know that many of you feel like you have gone through, are going through hell for a reason; the above scripture sheds light as to why: it's bigger than these men, it's something bigger than them, something only God can destroy/heal: evil in them. I mean I listen to some of your stories, my story, and I'm like "A horror movie has nothing on many of us."

I've learned, when WE make messes of our lives by making choices (in this case men) without God, we have to accept that we've failed ourselves, God didn't fail us. So when all hell breaks loose because of our poor choices, God will fix it, but, as said, sometimes this involves us doing what we are afraid to do. Alone you do well to be afraid, but with God, all things are possible. He will never leave or forsake us; our problems come when we forsake him.

Sincerely,
Serra, DaughterofGod:thumbsup:



I too, was an abused wife. My exhusband did because his father did it and so forth. His one brother was also a wife better. The other two look like they broke their cycle. My exhusband had such a bad, bad temper. He would beat me for anything. If some chick turned him down for sex, advances well it was my fault. If he's dinner wasn't just right it was my fault. You know the funny thing is he used to beat me for smoking cigarettes and now he smokes. It took me almost nine years to leave it all behind me finally. I would run home to mom and dad and I would always go back. "because I loved him" and to be honest it was part of my sickness. That is something that I learned in therapy. See my brother used to beat me. So that is why I married a beater. I was also so afaird to leave. I mean my God I had a baby and who was going to take care of us. He had me so brain washed that I thought I would lose my child to this manic. One day. My son was forgotten at school. He was suppose to pick Tim up and was drunk and forgot. I went to the school to get him and my exwas already steamed up. Tim called me later that day (He was just in first grade) scared todeath of his dad. I knew that this would be the last time. He said that his dad was yelling at him and that he said that "your mom is going to get her ass kicked when she gets home for leaving you here with me, knowing I have to work tonight and I need my sleep" Tim was frightend. I prayed and prayed (See I had been praying for two years) Finally God got tired of my prayers and ME NOT LISTENING TO THE ANSWER that HE took care of it in his own way. To make a long story short when I got home that night my ex was pasted out. I quitely got Tim and loaded my car with mine and Tim's stuff and we left. We went to an AA meeting and my ex showed up and yada yada yada. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him remember last night. Remember the shower. Next time I won't just swing the bat at your legs. Next Time the bat goes to your head, because this TIME YOU ABUSED THE WRONG PERSON. OUR SON, I told him to leave the apartment and never come back. GOD gave the strenght. GOD WAS AND IS MY BACK BONE THEN and now going through my "prison with my new husband" Ladies no one, and I mean no one deserves to get abused. Love to all Jeanne

Spongebob is banned...

*Thread Closed*