this is copied from another forum as like usual; i didn't read the guidelines first.. the part i didn't carry over explained that i was sexually abused by father from infanthood till ?..

i was married at 17 and had one daughter. i know now that i divorced my husband when i was 20 because i did not trust any man to live with us (my daughter and i). when my daughter was 20; i started corresponding with my future husband on a bulletin board for incest recovery. we clicked immediately; but both of us were quite clear this was just a strong friendship. i was *not* looking to get married. after more time of writing to each other (about 6 months) we starting sending netmails (equivilant of email now) and then we started talking on the phone. he was in california and i was in the middle of the country. he flew here and we have been together ever since. (almost ten years).

it took 3 years into our marriage for him to tell me that he was a recovering sex offender.. i was dazed; terrified; emotions going through a million things. underneath it all was my love for him and i started searching the internet for anything that would prove that it was possible for an offender to recover. i found it was indeed possible; but not easy. i found a group of forums that helped me a great deal; but i believe that group is going away soon. i still need a support system..

last november he told me he had sexually abused our granddaughter and i *really* freaked out. i immediately called my daughter who called the police and social services. after what seemed like a long time (but actually the duration was about 3 months); the police sent in a charge but the
DA did not feel there was enough evidence to prosecute. he was never jailed.

now he is NEVER left alone with granddaughter (as we should have figured out before; for that i feel a lot of guilt). i remember him telling me over and over that he wasn't sexually attracted to her; to him he saw her as his granddaughter.. it was a lie.. to say we had a hard 3 months there would be putting it mildly. i loved him and really felt like God had brought us together for healing and at the same time i did not trust him at all.

in the last 3 months he has made some major changes in his behaviour patterns and has started to attend church with me. i sometimes feel like i make a mistake staying with him; and other times he blows me away with insights about his behaviour. anyway; i don't know how it will turn out; but i am being aware and watching the "flow" of our relationship. the only people who visit our home are my daughter and granddaughter (rarely); we stay away from amusement parks; water parks; all the "kid" places.. his decision; not mine..

now i'm probably sounding confusing... if anyone has any questions or comments i am more than willing to listen and answer what i can..

thanks...

eva

Eva WOW. I thought I was going thru hell. I too ahve been abused but I don't remember by who. I do have to say that I do commend your husband for telling you that right there shows that he is not in denial. It takes real guts if you ask me. I will prya for you both

>>>it all was my love for him <<<

He's a lucky guy! I haven't been so lucky.

Advise, he needs to find some worth as a person outside of the family and work, Church is a start if he gets involved. Just going doesn't seem to help much IMO

It's the feeling of "belonging" that's important! Being excepted by those that do not know his past will give some worthiness of the present person he is.

welcome from me too! hope to read a lot of your posts

Welcome. I'm glad you found us.
Have you and your husband begun counseling? Just a suggestion but I think it could help you with those feelings of guilt and him with withdrawing from society as a whole.
Michelle

Welcome. Thank you for sharing your story and being so open and honest. You're among friends here. Hope to see you here often.

thank you all for your responses.. Michelle; we have not considered (nor will we likely change that) counselors as in our state they are required to report. never mind that he has already been under investigation and the charges were dropped. for him or me to get help with a therapist we would have to trust them which is an impossibility.

as for your suggestion BRay; i agree sitting in church and actually getting involved are two very different things. i am very involved in the church and he has helped out the last two sabbaths. whether he continues to go or not is his decision.. i will continue. i sometimes think he needs more people to know his past and have them accept him. that is what i have seen when watching his interactions with people.

and Tigger; the fact that he told me and not some police officer made all the difference in the world. he said he could not continue to be married to me and have us develope any real intimacy until i knew all about him.. that was a very positive message to hear on one hand. sure took me a while to process it though.. *s*

thanks again to you all..

eva

Eva, just wanted to drop you a line and say hello & welcome to PTO!

Have a good one,
David

Eva-glad you are here and thanks for sharing your story with us-I think you will find many people here who can relate at least in some respect to what you are going through-and I believe everyone here truly cares about each other and what we are going through-take care and remember we are here for you

sherri

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it must be VERY hard for you right now.. It is ok to be confused and feel like your are unsure. It is natural for the cycle of emotions to keep going.. Just remember that we are always here for you and you can lean on us for support when you need it.

To be a survivor and then to find out that the man you love is a perpatrator must have been a very hard blow to take. Know that you are not alone. We are here for you.

Eva - again, welcome to PTO. Thanks for sharing your story. My story is similar in the fact that my husband also came to me. He had been touching my 9 yr old daughter. I felt that I had no choice but to go to the authorities. He told me that he knew I would have to do that or I wouldn't be any kind of a good mother. I did what I did to protect my child. Thankfully, he is now getting help while in prison. My daughter and I are both in therapy and we are doing well. It has been almost a year since his arrest, and we are closer now than ever before. I had a lot of soul searching to do after he was arrested and finally came to the decision that I should stay married to him.

It was not an easy decision to make, but one that I do not regret. My daughter knows of my decision and is okay with it.

Tracy

Tracy;

i am so glad that your husband and you and your daughter are getting help. the DOC here has no therapy for sex offenders. i am also glad you took the time to make the decision that was right for you.

happy you and your forum are here... *s*

eva

Shortie; thanks for your response.. yes it is difficult and i am still going through major emotional loops about it; but the low lows are starting to get higher.

sherri and David thanks for the welcome and the support... *s*

eva

regardless of the crime we as wives and mothers got through so much. You have some extra stuff to deal with and it makes it even harder. I just want to say that you are stronger then you realize and for some reason I thought that you needed to hear that today.. Remember that ok..

Welcome to the group Eva