So much is said in a Domestic violence relationship to break the cycle, neccessarily by the women LEAVING which is understandable (so it wont happen again)

Now in several instances men who are abusers to any extent, grew up in a household where they witnessed the same thing in their household(ex. mother and father...I do understand that not all do.) but as well as whoever is the abuser that they saw and 'inherited' these actions from, ALSO may have had someone in there lives that were abusers, and inherited from.

I want to find away to break THAT CYCLE cause if we dont we'll still have batterers. Where as when a women breaks the cycle of domestic violence and leaves her abuser..she was already abused and he will move on to the next(not in all circumstances)

My boyfriend lived with this in his life with his family. No one in his home cares about him..hes only 20 years old. When he abused me it was because he "felt" it was the right thing to do. Its how he knew or learned to control things or when he was mad. I was never bruised or bleeding or anything (thank the Lord and i'm sorry for those who were) But i been his guidance for the past 3 years and now we cant be together because #1 we live with my parents and they disowned him, #2 his ISP officer wont let him, #3 because he needs help... serious help

If you go on to domestic violence websites most of the information is for victims, as well as the counseling for victims too. Where do the batterers go for help? Victims can get FREE counseling but what about a "abuser" who wants to change his life around? He cant (rarely that Ive looked for) go to the websites and find a place for men who want to change. If the cycle of domestic violence is to broken I believe it has to start with the batterers who WANT to change and are willing to go through extensive therapy, to prevent violence from happening again. and hopefully it will break the cycle for their generations of children to come.

I do read about on the domestic violence sites that men who want counseling are most likely just trying to minipulate their victims to get back with them and so forth, and i do believe in some cases are true.. but what about for the ones that really want to change and work things out?

If anyone has any information on counseling for batterers and how to regroup your family please let me know. Please PM with any help to this matter. We would really appreciate it.

I just read the other PTO member's introduction stories in this forum and I am so sorry you all had to go through that and am VERY happy for those who got out and are in a better place and for those who havent got a chance to leave, keep ur head up and get the help u deserve.

This post I just made made me realize that most of the stories got to an extreme level. My story is a little different or not so intense which is hte reason Im tryin to find this counseling.
I been with john for 2.5 years. He come from the projects, mother jsut came home from prison and is a user, as well as his father. His father was married before and from what I hear, in an abusive relationship with both women? I may be wrong.

John has 4 brothers and 2 sisters the 2 sisters are in the military, the oldest and next youngest is or has been in prison and the otehr 2 are 5 and 10. WHen we started going out u knew from the strat he had potential. Mind still on the wrong side of the track but can be worked on since he was only 17.

We stayed with his aunt where he sold drugs (which is when he got locked up and i found PTO) his aunts always spoke about stories on how her and this one and that one (men) would fight and hte men would beat her and she would eat htem and so forth.

When me and John got into arguements all of a sudden i noticed BOTH of us starting to be a little physical with each other (never happened before with a guy in my life) well it got more and more each time... BUT NEVER a punch in the face or anything more of me punching him everywhere and him restraining me or him hitting me back NOT IN THE FACE but with not such physical strength. The thign that hurt me was the emotional side of it. WHy was this happening. This mainly occured when I would come home DRUNK (not often at all) after john got arrested he moved in with me and my parents and we still did argue and fight here and there after he was sentanced he came home 6 months later on ISP and things were rough. Friday night I went out with my mother to a bar and got really drunk and when I came in the house i started yellina t him cuase i wanted to go out (i dont know where but i just wanted to go somewhere) he cant leave the house, and knowing iw as drunk he didnt want me to leave either cause i had to much to drink but i told him i was leaving and got in the car with my neighbor (we were in the driveway) john came out and dragged me from the car intot he hosue screamn at me where was i going.. if i was sober and told him WHERE i was goin it would have been fine..but no excuses when i got in the house i was tellin him i was leavin him and talkin a lot of **** I stubled to the floor where he hit me in the head with his hand... but not full force, drunk and ppissed i ran next door tellin them i wanted him out of my hosue for now. We called his officer and he said he could only take him outta the house if i called the police (what an ISP officer he was!!) so after convicing me I called hte policce and made a report an was brought down tot he station (was knda forced to by his officer or i had to deal with him the whole night instead of having some space) well hes been in county since awaiting hte TRO court date, the simple assault court date, and now violating ISP court date... My parents hate him, i moaned and groaned cause we both made this really miserable. We BOTH have time to get some help and its not to late. We really do love each other a WHOLE LOT. My mom said she is feared for my life....of course shes a mom.... but im not in fear at all. I want to get help and break the cycle. I believe it could work. We do BOTH need to prove to each other we can get some counseling because its not to late and we both just need to learn how to control our anger BEFORE it gets to that level

Hey Sweetie:

Wow what a story! I really think you are making the right choice by trying counselling for the both of you. Have you been in touch with him now that he's in county girl? Listen....It is obvious that John loves you a lot and it is real unfortunate that this domestic violence runs in his fam. It sounds like he just wants the best for you and he did not want you to drive and go out all drunk (not that he had any excuse to hit you!) I truly hope you and John are able to save your relationship because the love is definitely there & if he can get the help he needs--things could work hon!! Keep us posted!

Marie

Danielle, I am not that familiar with DV but I do know you well from here, and I just wanted to drop in and give you lotsa {{{HUGS}}} I am sorry you and John are going through this right now - it must be really hard from where he came from, but dont lose the faith, people can change. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk.

I remember back in the day when there was a huge ad campaign to "Stop the Cycle". Whatever it may be.... there are so many that need to be stopped.

It is much later in life and the cycles are continuing. And I don't know why. It saddens me to see victims grow up to be abusers. I dont' think we are doing enough to STOP THE CYCLE.

Everyone is looking for someone else to step in. Society thinks its the governments responsibility, the government needs money from the people.

In the meantime, not much is being accomplished, on a national level. I don't know how it is in your neighborhood, but in mine, the Womens shelters are always full, and have to refuse someone every night.

We HAVE to find someway to stop it.

JJT

Awww Girl, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's gotta be tough on both of you. I think he was probably really concerned with you being drunk and going out. (like JamesWifey said, that's no excuse to hit you though) My boyfriend can be like that too, not the physcial part, but the being worried about me part. A girl, even two girls going out together can easily get into unfavorable situations and not voluntarily, if your inebriated that increases the chances. I hope you two work it out and get help. If I remember right, you mentioned in previous post that while he was "away", you wouldn't go out. It feels good to go out, and now that he's home you feel a little more relaxed about it, be safe girl. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. :)

hey Danielle.....I have loads to tell you, but will either do it in a PM or phone call or something ;) HUGS HUGS HUGS...Keiko

I notice that in most unhealthy relationships, those couples are together for so long that they've became "stuck" with eachother. They are too used to eachother and doesn't know how to leave one another. I read your story. I think it's wonderful that you're wanting some help.... you want some real help? Quit talking and open the nearest phone book. Look up "Domestic" in the yellow pages and you'll find some resources. Or perhaps, you could go to the government office where they give Food Stamps to financially unfortunate people and you can ask the front desk clerk about the relationship counseling. Asking for help on PTO isn't going to do much... roll up your sleeves and get your butt moving when you're for real and you want some REAL help!

thanks Chanda the reason I did come to PTO is because i did go throught the phone book an all of the counseling was for the victim. I couldnt find anything for the batterers. theyjust told me basically it was pointless for them to get counseling and kept trying to get me to go in for counseling.. I cant just go to a government office.. Im working from 8am-7pm I thought i could get some info here

Oh. Okay, I'll pray for ya 2.

Hello.

Well I'll make this as short and to the point as I can.Joe and I have been together for 4 years.I amd 20 he is 21.His father never abused his mother but abused Joe with guns and his hands.Joe ended up in foster care and hios mom left when he was a toddler.I got with Joe and things were great.The about a month after I threatened to leave him for something stupid and he punched a hole in his wall and threw a chair across the room.I cried and was frightened I have never been in a situation like that before.Befire he met me he was with antoher girl that cheated on him constatly.Right after they broke up he got with me.He was so scared I would cheat on him,leave him , hurt him ect.Because of that he experienced with his father,mother and his ex.I also wasn't being very honset about my past and that angered him all the more.One night at a party I was drunk and said that one of his was cute(not seeing any harm in it,untl now) So he pulled my hair and shouted real loud and spit in my face..ECT
Shortly after(still being abused in small ways) He got locked up and I was still lieing.Then I became unfaithful.I finally told him the truth 3 years later, And he wasn't mad.All he wanted was the truth to began with.It was not the unfaithfulness or my past it was that I lied to him.So now everything is wonderful.God has helped us grow.He has leared to appricate me and love me for me and not who I said I was.We both go to church ect.Life is beautiful now.It's all to do with God and honsety.That is my testomny.
Breaking the cycle for us had to do with both of us-bartering.."I'll be calm if you'll just tell me the truth"..ME "And I'll tell you thetruth if you will help me to become faithful and help me get through my past wounds and sick bedie me" ect.People only change if they want to.
Abuse comes from what they've seen and experienced.He didn't trust me because I always lied and his mom did and everyone else did.He ws angry because I wouldn't be honst and he still hadn't forgiven the people who have hurt him.I helped him forgive, I showed my real self and he appricated that and trust me all the more.I hope this helped.None of the situations are exactly the same.I'm speaking only from my experiences in life.
May God bless

Danielle~ First off I would like to say I am sorry you are going through this.

Here is my advice~ What about Anger Managment Classes or like an Alternative to Violence class. Maybe those will help. My husband took 2 Alternative to Violence classes in Prison. He has never abused me or anything but he does have anger issues. Even though the classes made him mad I still see a change in him.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for you and John.

Hey Danielle, first off let me say hey and I miss you around these parts girl. Secondly, let me say that I am so sorry for you and Johnny both- I agree with Salena though. Why not find out about some anger management courses? I for one know that I have a very bad temper and as of 5-6 years ago have learned to control it in all aspects, no fighting, no extensive arguing, none of it, I learned this because me and my ex use to constantly argue and I would have a tendency to want to hit him, but of course he was a big man and in no way would I hit him, I wanted to , but I learned to walk away - go relax and talk about it sensibly once I had calmed down. I had a son who witnessed these arguements and in no way did I want him to grow up thinking this was the way to handle things. I don't want my son to grow up disrespecting women, by arguing and Lord forbid fighting on a woman, I saw my mother and some of my aunts go through that and I don't wish that on anyone at all, man or woman, but I respect you 200% for admitting the problem and wanting to help the man you love so dearly with the problem and you keep your head up Danielle, there will be better days, I hope you get all the answers you need and you and Johnny one day be back happy.
Kesha

I think that is what anger management is for.

it's refreshing to see that there are women that act as advocates to help men caught in a vicious pattern- willing to accept responsibility for their actions (which goes both ways, I may add. victims of abuse often take more responsibilty however).

in reality there is no size fits all approach to offer any solution, other than couseling or otherwise. it is up to each person involved in any healthy relationship to make the changes. and adhere to them. unfortunately, more often than not- the abuser will follow thru with the changes until he/she perceives some sort of insubodination by their 'loved' one.

and too often the abused will want to find another reason as to why this occurs. it's not wrong, by any means. it makes sense. for every action, there is a reaction. but.......

I am not too big on this right now.


I have had friends killed by their husband and an x I never would have thought was abusive end his gf's life as she was attempting to leave him. then he ended his own..

last night one of the ppl I love the most in the world was almost murdered by her husband. he was a model husband for reform. so we all thought. you can only stave off the demons for so long for someone so truly haunted will carry all that time you buy and bring it all back to you at once. eventually what's not stable will implode. I am losing faith rapidly in humanity. my small box isn't so sane anymore.

I am praying to God that one day there will be no domestic abuse. I am sick as I write this. bitter. the cops eventually get sick of the cycle. and the DA. how many times can they try and help to have a wife not co-operate after a request for help? the husband that snapped out last night is only a PO hold and the DA is considering only a disorderly conduct. this is why I am cynical right now. it's making me examine a whole lot more in my life.

I pray we all are safe. we trust and love and need them in exchange. too often we all take what there is to get and be happy that we got that much.

not anymore.

I found this for you. Hope it helps. I am still suffering the effects of a 15yr. marriage that was mental\emotional abuse. He physically abused my older boy and traumatized the one who is autistic. I am suffering from PTSD among other things. I can't seem to let go of the rage and anger. When Jason came home from prison, he knew what I had been through, he did it to me all over again. He threw it all in my face. He did and said everything my ex did. I am destroyed. 4 yrs of counceling down the tube. I have to begin again. I am exhausted. I wish you the best.

http://www.lsnjlaw.org/english/family/dvhandbook.cfm#guide