Is It Common For Someone Who Grew Up In An Abusive Environment To Turn Out Abusive?

Yes Babie, it is common. That does not mean that it has to be that way though. Many who grow up in abusive environments are fortunate enough to realize that it is not acceptable behavior and will do thier best to end the cycle. This may not be possible for everyone and it takes a tremendous amount of work and retraining thought processes. It is in a sense like any other self destructive behavior (and yes, abusers are self destructive) in that one must come to a realization about what they are doing to themselves and others and then dig deep into thier own psyche to make the changes needed.

I have to agree with Crack, on this one. The pattern of abuse is past down each generation. That is why I wanted break that cyce and divorced my ex and got my son out of it at an early age. My son shows bad temper as it is. Well okay so some of it he gets from me, but I am with Gods wonderful help, teaching him how to channel that anger. Instead of us "fighting"(really arguing) we step back and take a deep breathe and then we talk about our feelings etc....The cycle can be broken but it is a lot of hard work.

....well, from a different side...
my ex-husband was VERY, VERY abusive towards me. I'm talking black eyes, bloody noses, busted lips, concussions, bruises....the works. Plus all the verbal & mental abuse also. But his dad never laid a hand on his mom. Nobody knows where his abusive behavior came from...??? Also, like Jeanne, I got myself & my son away from it. My son was 2 when I left him...sadly, he still remembers some stuff.
Then we have my Mike. The most kind-hearted, gentle, sweet, loving (could go on & on all day, but you get the picture) man that I have ever met. He has never laid one finger on me...well not in a bad way ;) In the 3 yrs that we have been together, we have never argued. Disagreements yes, but no arguments...
He grew up watching his father beat his mom to a pulp. Came home from school one day to find blood all over the bathroom, scared to death that his mom was dead, when she was really at the ER having her ear sewn back on...yes, thanks to his dad. Later the beatings went from his mom to his older sister and then to Mike. Once he was old enough to stick up for his sister, he tried, so that's when he got the beatings...Once his mom got the courage to leave (after having 5 children with this monster) then lived in shelters...and after the divorce was final and he got visitation rights, he ended up not bringing the children back one day. he took them to Mexico where they lived for almost 2 yrs before their mother found them. She risked her life and theirs trying to get them back. Luckily, their father never relaliated.
Of course he has some issues, emotional scarring, etc....but one thing that he would never even dream of doing is hurt me....never. And I know it, and that is why I love him so much. I have never felt more safe than when I am with him.
I guess it's safe to say that it is very common, that they learn to behave from what they see when they are little, but in these cases it was totally opposite.
I hope this helped. :)

Wow Jamie. Thanks for sharing that with us. Your Mike proves my theory, he made the choice to break the cycle. You must be very proud and he should be also.

Thank you...and yes, I am very proud of him...I am proud of anyone who can overcome and learn from bad situations. It's hard...but it's possible. :D

I just wanted to say good for you and him, also I LOVE THE PICTURE OF YOUR DAUGHTER AT THE BOTTOM...SO CUTE! :D
I agree this is common, although I also think it has to do with self esteem in general, my ex beated me up pretty badly, and I never grew up around that. He is my ex though and it made me a stronger woman today, and I would never put up with any of that ever again.
Thank you...and yes, I am very proud of him...I am proud of anyone who can overcome and learn from bad situations. It's hard...but it's possible. :D

I agree with the fact that it is a self esteem issue. It does need to be pointed out that no one "lets" someone abuse them. An abuser must first attack and destroy the survivors self esteem in order to abuse. This is done in a variety of ways but always for the same reason. Control of the survivor.

Men and women who have witnessed their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own wives than children of non-violent parents, with the sons of the most violent parents being 1000 times more likely to become wife beaters.





[from http://www.brokenspirits.com/ ]

i am the daughter of a father who was abusive to my mother well she was pregnant with me and after. i have never abused my children never even spanked them, everyone one in awhile will be short tempered and yell at them but thats it. when i do yell at them for most time not listening and i keep repeating my self over and over i sit down and talk with them about it. the cycle can end it does take alot of work.

Crack is so right, I had a very high self esteem until it was completely destroyed. When someone is beating you and telling you that you are fat, no one is every going to believe you, I can at any time kill you and they will just think that you committed sucide because we all know that you are on depression medicine etc.....get the picture. The thing that snapped me out of it was when he crossed the line to my son, and this even continued after the divorce and no judge would give him supervised visits so my husband now, put an end to my ex abusing our son. To this day my ex is very afraid of my husband and I have no clue as to why. I am just glad that it stoped and this was seven years ago.I agree with the fact that it is a self esteem issue. It does need to be pointed out that no one "lets" someone abuse them. An abuser must first attack and destroy the survivors self esteem in order to abuse. This is done in a variety of ways but always for the same reason. Control of the survivor.

I grew up in an abusive environment and have had abusive relationships until the age of 33. I do tend to lash out physically when I'm mad and have to do everything in my power to not strike someone. That was the only coping I ever knew.

I agree with Crack and alot of the others. The cycle can be broken..but it's hard. And also, like crack said "no one lets someone abuse them". I went through the beatings...the emotional and mental "pain" for 2 1/2 years. Why didn't I leave him is what everybody would ask me. But, what they didn't understand was...I was "afraid" of leaving him. Like Jftazzy said...when you have someone telling you day in and day out "you'll never be anything without me...nobody else will want you" and "If you ever try to leave...I'll kill you" or... "If you aren't with me..you won't be with anybody...I'll make sure of that"...it gets imbedded in your mind..and you start to believe them. I always said he "brainwashed" me..people couldn't understand that unless they had been through it themselves...ya know? I FINALLY got the courage and strength to walk away from me...the day he stuck a butcher knife to my throat and I saw my life flash before my eyes. Do I regret going through any of it...no. It made me the person I am today...it made me stronger...it made me "smarter". But, see..this guy didn't grow up in an abusive home or as far as I know...he was never around "domestic violence"...his mom couldn't believe he had "turned out" the way he did...cause I wasn't the first girlfriend he did that to...and I wasn't the last. Okay...I'm rambling now..so, I'll stop.

(((huggs)))
Selena

Yes but if the person receives counseling and processes through all the things they saw, it does not mean they will end up the same way. We are all inidividuals and react to things differently. Some children who grow up in abuse, go to the other end of the spectrum and do whatever they can to avoid behaving that way.

OH MY GOSH GIRL...YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN TO HAVE BEEN THRU THAT MADNESS AND STILL HERE TO TESTIFY ABOUT IT. I ADMIRE YOUR STRENGHT MAMI.....well, from a different side...
my ex-husband was VERY, VERY abusive towards me. I'm talking black eyes, bloody noses, busted lips, concussions, bruises....the works. Plus all the verbal & mental abuse also. But his dad never laid a hand on his mom. Nobody knows where his abusive behavior came from...??? Also, like Jeanne, I got myself & my son away from it. My son was 2 when I left him...sadly, he still remembers some stuff.
Then we have my Mike. The most kind-hearted, gentle, sweet, loving (could go on & on all day, but you get the picture) man that I have ever met. He has never laid one finger on me...well not in a bad way ;) In the 3 yrs that we have been together, we have never argued. Disagreements yes, but no arguments...
He grew up watching his father beat his mom to a pulp. Came home from school one day to find blood all over the bathroom, scared to death that his mom was dead, when she was really at the ER having her ear sewn back on...yes, thanks to his dad. Later the beatings went from his mom to his older sister and then to Mike. Once he was old enough to stick up for his sister, he tried, so that's when he got the beatings...Once his mom got the courage to leave (after having 5 children with this monster) then lived in shelters...and after the divorce was final and he got visitation rights, he ended up not bringing the children back one day. he took them to Mexico where they lived for almost 2 yrs before their mother found them. She risked her life and theirs trying to get them back. Luckily, their father never relaliated.
Of course he has some issues, emotional scarring, etc....but one thing that he would never even dream of doing is hurt me....never. And I know it, and that is why I love him so much. I have never felt more safe than when I am with him.
I guess it's safe to say that it is very common, that they learn to behave from what they see when they are little, but in these cases it was totally opposite.
I hope this helped. :)

Hang the varmit!!:ham: