im so sorry for not being around lately. i had some major down-mood, i was/am depressed or something. its like im realizing i probably have to wait 13 years before my man comes out. not that i didnt knew that...but its like i got hit by a really big hammer and the truth hit me you know. i just dont know how to get through 13 years...i dont know how to do that :( me in holland...him in florida prison. and i get all confused by all the complicated visa shit. i wanna come to the States so bad...but it seems to be almost impossible. ah well, i wont bother you all with that. i just wanted to say that im sorry for being not her at pto for such a long time. i hope everybody is doing okay!!!

love,
tamara

HI TAMARA......GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK........HOPE YOUR DEPRESSION GETS BETTER......I HAVE TROUBLE WITH THAT MYSELF..........HOPE YOU START TO FEEL BETTER REAL SOON!!!!!!!!

Mara,

I know where you are coming from. Even for me in Canada and Teddy in Missouri - he seems like he is a world away.

I woke up one morning and just found a decision in my head that I had not even really given conscious thought to - I would in the next 18-24 months relocate to the USA. I don't really have any choice if I want to be with him - he won't be coming to Canada anytime soon...

Take it one day at a time! Research and plan...

If you are thinking of relocating to the USA - have you heard of the Green Card Lottery? It is real and it is through the US Government - not a scam...

Here is a link to the site...

http://www.usais.org/gcl_application.htm

Basically the US Government selects 55,000 (maybe it is 45,000) people a year for Green Cards in a lottery of sorts. You fill out an application and then wait. The lottery is held in October each year. You can only apply once in a calendar year. You CAN apply again the following year if you are not selected.

Can't hurt to try this is the USA is your destination now or in the future.

Hi Mara,
I was wondering about you. I hope things get better for you. We are here for you if you need us

teb, ive filled in that application and im hoping im gonna be lucky! but there is not much of a chance i think...millions and millions of people want to go to the States.

Who else has to 'wait' 10 or more years for the loved one to come home? and how do ya get throught that???

thanks everybody

Hi Mara, hang in there.... it's up's it downs, that's normal I guess. Just try and not let it get you too down. And hey, come to Canada...we take anyone, 3 hour flight to Florida, 24 hour drive.

...but you need to buy a hockey stick first, it must be included with your Canadian Visa Application. :D

can i buy a drivers license there? :)

A drivers license? For cars? What for? We don't use cars in Canada...skidoo's baby. :D Last time I checked it was 100 bucks to get your drivers license, that includes a year permit and a driver's test and all that jive, so yep... you can buy one.

Mara,

You know, Toe has a point... You could attempt Canada first... From Toronto to mid Florida is 23/24 hours driving time. Flights can be cheap - 400 Canadian dollars return if you plan ahead.

The lottery as I understand takes into account where people are currently coming from and awards the most 'wins' to countries that are not the main ones coming to the US. So if you happen to be in a country where the desire for the USA is lower then you have a better chance.

Canada is a good alternative IMO and closer and cheaper for you to travel to the US than where you are now. 3 hour flight to Florida from Toronto allows you to go for the weekend easily.

Just some thoughts.

MARA--I DONT HAVE ANY ADVICE ON THE VISA STUFF ...AND ALTHOUGH I DONT HAVE TOO LONG TO WAIT I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE FEELING.I UST WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILIAR--HAD TO TAKE SOME TIME AWAY MYSELF...JUST REMEMBER THAT EVERYDAY IS A STEP CLOSER AND THAT SOMEDAY YO BOTH WILL BE TOGETHER IN EACHOTHERS ARMS..KEEP YOU FOCUS ON THAT DAY, AND TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME..IT IS ALOT EASIER TO GET THROUGH ONE DAYTHAN IT IS 13 YEARS....REMEMBER WE ARE HERE FOR YOU IN ANY WAY WE CAN BE...HANG IN THERE!--AMELIA

dear Mara...I know so well what you feel...I know that feeling that you get when you come home from a visit...a visit you look forward to so much, you count the days, hours seconds and it is so great to be with him!!!...and then it is back alone to cold grey Eorope...and it is grey over here a lot...well I have been there a few times and it always feels worse...i even did not go to visit for two years because I knew that feeling of comming home would kill me and that was just too much...and at first the pain and missing is so bad , it is all you can think about...and then you get a bit better and you want to go back but you can't because you don't have the money or time of from work or nothing seems to be going okay. Then after a while you feel a bit better and you think really hard about going soon, but life goes on and you write and wait and write and wait, always hoping for some good news. I have been in this situation now for over 5 years, and I will never get used to it. I hear people talking here about visit and I feel lost, because I can't go any time soon...but I make sure I have always something to look forward to...that is the one thing that gets me through. It is very hard, more so because Clinton will be in 15 years this year, but we don't know how much more he has to do...can be another 15 years. We don't know anything...But....the love we share does grow, and it grows stronger and stronger...when I look back at the last years, I feel strong, I feel like I can do some more time with him. I came a long way already and we made it this far, and we can make it all the way. I just learned to not think abouth it in so many years...I see it from year to year, from visit to visit. I do go one or two times a year now...it kills me to come home again, but it is better then not seeing him. you have to go see him at least one time a year....and you have to keep hoping for a miracle, more so now with all the prisons having no money....But...I went last november, and only now I feel like I came out of this down mood. It takes a while, and it seems to be longer every time, but I do get through it, and so will you. it is normal to feel this way....but being here at PTO is all I need at days, even though there are days I don't say a word here...just being here with people that go through the same things....stay strong mara!

thanks for your sweet and supporting words!! im lucky that i do have enough money to go see Chaos 3 to 4 times a year. as a matter of fact, im going again in april. the comming back part is just so damn difficult. knowing that he is missing me too, that his family is missing me, that im missing them..and i wanna get a job there so bad and im doing my best to find one. but all the rules and laws seem to be against me. and that makes the frustration bigger, and the pain of missing my man gets bigger. i try to life by the day and not looking at 13 years you know...but sometimes the truth hits me...and it hurts! :(

You hang in there girl.

I know the feeling, My husband is doing an 18 yr ride. Its hard for me sometimes too, but I have our son to keep strong as well, he does better than me sometimes. Kids are so tough, thank goodness. ;)

But all of us here at PTO are always willing to hear you if you need to talk, scream, cry, or whatever.

TAMARA.......I HAVE TO WAIT FOR MY SON THE REST OF MY LIFE...........HE HAS A LIFE SENTENCE

MARA, I TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF MY HUSBAND WAS IN PRISON FOR 15, 18, 20YRS. OR EVEN LIFE, I JUST CAN NOT COMPREHEND THIS KIND OF LIFE, SO AS I LISTEN TO THE PTO PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THEIR HUSBANDS, BOYFRIENDS, CHILDREN IN PRISON FOR SO MANY YEARS, A CHILL JUST RUNS ALL THRU MY BODY, AND I THANK GOD FOR ALL MY BLESSINGS, AND I GUESS IF I FOUND MYSELF IN SOME OF YOUR PLACES, I WOULD TURN TO GOD AND ASK HIM TO HELP ME THRU THIS, BUT STILL I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD DO IT, JUST TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME AND DO THE BEST YOU CAN, I CRY SOMETIMES WHEN I READ SOME OF THE POST ON PTO, MY HEART GOES OUT TO ALL OF YOU WITH THAT LONG TIME WAIT. I HAVE BEEN VERY LUCKEY IN HAVING MY FAMILY CLOSE AROUND ME ALL MY LIFE, WE ALL LIVE IN THE SAME NECK OF THE WOODS, AS YOU MIGHT SAY. I HAD ONE SON IN PRISON ABOUT 22 YEARS AGO, HE GOT NOT LESS THAN 4 OR MORE THAN 12, I VISTED HIM EVERY WEEK-END, THIS WAS MY FIRST GO AROUND WITH PRISON TIME, I KEPT THINKING I WOULD WAKE UP FROM THIS HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE AND ALL WOULD BE OK. WELL I LIVED THRU THAT WITH THE HELP FROM GOD, I NEARLY HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN BUT PULLED MYSELF TOGETHER FOR HIM. I NOW HAVE A SON THE YOUNGEST IN FOR 5 YEARS, HE HAS BEEN IN FOR ABOUT 2YRS 8 MONTHS, I HAVE HAD SOME DEEP DEPRESSION WITH THIS PERIOD OF MY LIFE, BUT AS THE DAYS GO BY, I SAY NEXT DAY WILL BE BETTER, WHEN I FOUND THIS WEB SITE, IT WAS A GOD GIFT TO ME, SO THIS IS ABOUT ALL I KNOW TO SAY, I WISH I COULD COMFORT YOU MORE, BUT AS WE ALL KNOW WE EACH HAVE TO FACE THIS IN OUR OWN WAY, BUT WE ALSO NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO, HEAR US CRY, GIVE US HUGS, AND GIVE US ENCOURGEMENT TO MAKE IT THRU EACH DAY ONE AT A TIME. SO MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU ALL FOR I HAVE NEVER BEEN WHERE YOU ARE NOW.
SHERRON, AND I WORRY ABOUT MY SON IN FOR 5 YEARS, I JUST DO NOT KNOW, WHAT IF? MY SON WAS IN FOR LIFE, MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU AND I HAVE NO WORDS THAT CAN EASE YOUR PAIN. I AM SORRY. MAY GOD BLESS US ALL AND WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND OUR LOVED ONES AND KEEP THEM ALL SAFE AND WELL FOR US.

Mara, even though we have been talking "behind the scenes" through e-mails. I just wanted to post here and let you know that I'm thinking of you. As for the green card lottery, from what I understand you may have a better chance since fewer people from Holland apply that from lets say China or Mexico. If I understand correctly they consider this and take a % from each country.

I am going to copy this thread to the immigration forum incase it is of help to some one else in the future.

HUGS
to you and Chaos...and please tell him my guy misses him. He got the picture of the 2 of you and said...."yep that's them...a perfect couple :D

Mara

Well, I guess I can say I know how you feel, since Joey is still in for 10 years, in Florida, and me in France. :( Sometimes, I too think this situation sucks, and if I will be able to wait for him all these years !! But then, a nice letter comes, full of love and tender feelings, sometimes even with a picture, and then, I forget all about the length of time, the distance and all this crap !!! I try to focus on small things like another nice letter coming soon or a poem, and above all, I try to concentrate on my damn financial situation and my chances to make this trip to Florida sooner or later. Joey and I try to take things step by step, 1 day after another, and even if we often speak of what we'll do after, when we live together, we try not to be obsessed by all these days we have to wait before he's released.

Well, I don't think about emigrating to the US, but I wish you all the best to get a green card !! :)

Bella and her honey are right: you and Chaos are a perfect couple !!! :)

All the best
Phil

thank you so much Phil! i completly forgot you are in the same situation as me. i forgot the whole world and was in my "own" you know. i really didnt see anything else. that 13 years keeps running around in my head and i had to give it a place. the truth hurts but im doing okay now. i quess i had my very first: heeeeelp my man is in prison for a looooong time-crisis! his letters and phonecalls give me strengh and i know we will make it...together! there is no such thing as doing it all alone, i have my man who loves me a damn lot. im taking it day by day now and i know we will make it! you should have seen how people, even guards, looked at us, with this: wow! look at them! face you know.
phil, one day you will go to visit Joey and it will be the best day of your life! and when you have a hard time when you come back...you have me and so many others here to talk too :)

love, tamaar

Hi,
I came by your post. I am writeing to say I would be willing to help if needed.
Although I really don't know what to do, If you have any need I might help with
ask me if it is possible. I am also interested in your country as I might like to
get info on living there something. I am on probation for one or 2 more years.
Please if you wish to write to me have no worries as I am a single quiet gay man.
I just was curious if their might be some way to help eachother somehow.
I live in the Northeast Florida is 2 days by car. I can offer lodgeing with No fee
or obligation in any way. I am a totally safe sane 53 year old gay man. Thanks
quinto42nirvana2002@yahoo.com:)